I do not own any of the characters from the series Hogan's Heroes. However, I claim ownership of any original characters appearing in this story.

Hermann the chicken featured in "Don't Forget To Write" (Season 2)


"Hey, gang, guess what? Hermann's started laying again." Carter, just back from an evening excursion outside the wire, came bustling into the radio room. As Hogan and Kinch glanced up from the radio message which had just been received, he exhibited a clean, brown-shelled egg as proof of his claim.

LeBeau reached for it. "You see? I told you he'd be happier if we made him a run out in the open. Chickens need to scratch for food, or they won't lay well. But just one egg? He will have to do better than that, if I'm going to make a cake for Newkirk's birthday."

"No, I got a couple more in my pocket," replied Carter.

"I say, you chaps are just full of surprises." The exclamation came from Lieutenant May, one of the two British airmen currently being prepared for the trip back home. "A rooster that lays eggs? How on earth did you manage that?"

"We had no choice," replied Hogan gravely. "It's an all-male camp."

Carter snickered, and LeBeau and Kinch exchanged grins. Hermann was a standing joke around Stalag 13. Just over a year had passed since some of the men, assigned to a work detail at a local farm, had managed to smuggle a pair of half-grown chicks back to camp, with the intention of fattening them for Christmas. They had named them Hermann and Heinrich, because as Newkirk pointed out, "With names like those, nobody's going to get too fond of them, so nobody will start having second thoughts about wringing their necks when the time comes."

But the great Christmas dinner had never come to pass. In November, Heinrich had made a daring escape bid, which might have worked out had he not met a fox as soon as he went over the wire. As for Hermann, he had bided his time until three days before Christmas before giving proof that whoever had declared him a rooster had been very much mistaken. At once, the bird's long-term prospects were secured, because LeBeau refused to countenance the slaughter of a laying hen. But old habits die hard, and in spite of the regularly delivered evidence of his femininity, everyone still considered Hermann to be one of the boys.

"Okay, Carter, you can go on up to the barracks. You too, LeBeau," said Hogan. "And if you want the cake to be a surprise, you'd better find somewhere safe to hide those eggs."

"You know what, Louis? I could hide them in my mattress." Carter's voice grew fainter as he headed up the ladder. "I bet Newkirk would never think to look there..."

Hogan turned his attention back to the two lieutenants, May and Clarke. "The submarine will pick you up at the rendezvous point in seventy-two hours. So we'll be sending you out tomorrow night, when the local vet comes into camp. He brings in the new guard dogs, and takes away the old ones - and you."

It would have been hard to say which Englishman looked more horrified. "You're putting us in a truck with killer dogs? " stuttered Clarke.

"Oh, they're perfectly harmless, except to the Krauts," replied Hogan. "And it's only until you get to Hammelburg. The Underground will take you on from there. It's just a shame you'll miss the birthday party."

"Colonel!" Carter came back down from above, with such haste that he missed the last step entirely. "You better come up. Gestapo just drove into camp."

"At this hour? Don't they have better things to do with their evenings?" sighed Hogan. "Excuse me, gentlemen." He nodded to Kinch, and followed Carter back up to the barracks, and into his office, where Newkirk and LeBeau were already sitting over the coffee pot which acted as a receiver for the bug in Klink's office.

"It's Hochstetter, Colonel. He's sent Schultz off to fetch Klink from his quarters," said Newkirk.

"What do you think he wants at this time of night?" asked Carter, squeezing himself into the space between Hogan and LeBeau, and leaning on the desk with both elbows.

"It might be a social call. Even the Gestapo get lonely sometimes," replied Hogan.

"Well, if he's lonely, why doesn't he just get a girlfriend, like any...oh, right, it's Hochstetter." Carter thought it over for a few seconds. "Maybe he should get a dog."

"What have you got against dogs?" said LeBeau.

"Oh, Major Hochstetter!" The Kommandant's voice, rendered tinny by the speaker, put an end to the discussion. "What on earth brings you here so late? I was just getting ready for bed..."

"Shut up, Klink," growled Hochstetter. "I am here on Gestapo business. Two prisoners escaped from Stalag 8 three days ago, the latest in a series of escapes from Luftstalags in this part of Germany. We suspect they are receiving help from an Underground group in this area."

"That's terrible. It's a disgrace. But of course, as you know, Major, there has never been an escape from Stalag 13..."

"So you keep telling me. I wonder why this is so, Kommandant? And don't say it's your ruthless efficiency."

Cut off in the middle of his stock response, Klink remained silent.

"No, it is most likely that even now your prisoners are preparing to make their move," Hochstetter went on. "Doubtless they have some kind of a plan. Perhaps they have dug a tunnel, or perhaps they have identified a blind spot along the fence, and plan to cut the wire and run for it. They may even intend to hide in one of the delivery vehicles - where are you going, Klink? Sit down at once."

"But, Major, I was just going to double the guard..." protested Klink.

"You will do no such thing," snapped Hochstetter. "You will allow the escape plan to go ahead."

"But..."

"Then we will follow the prisoners until they contact the traitors who are helping them," Hochstetter continued, ignoring the interjection. "In this way, the whole Underground gang will be apprehended."

"Major Hochstetter, I must protest. You are asking me to just let my prisoners walk out of here. What about my reputation?"

"Your reputation, such as it is, will be perfectly safe, Kommandant." As always, Hochstetter pronounced the title as though he wanted to grind each syllable into dust. "This camp will be surrounded by..."

"A ring of steel." In the barracks, three voices joined him in perfect unison.

"What a pillock," added Newkirk.

"Yeah." Hogan folded his arms, and frowned. "But that pillock just stymied our plans to get those two RAF men out of here. They'll be watching any vehicles driving in and out of camp, including the dog truck."

Hochstetter was still talking. "In order to divert suspicion, we must allow the prisoners to believe this is just a routine visit. I will leave Stalag 13, making it seem I have returned to Hammelburg. In fact I will join my men outside the camp. You will notify me by short-wave radio if there is any suspicious activity."

"But, Major Hochstetter..."

"Or would you rather send me a postcard, when you get to Stalingrad?"

Klink didn't even draw breath. "Major, if there is anything you need during your watch - blankets - coffee - a little Schnaps to keep out the cold..."

"Thank you, Klink. I knew I could count on your co-operation. Now, it is vital that Colonel Hogan and the men in his barracks are kept under close surveillance. You must assign your most reliable man to this duty."

"That would be Sergeant Schultz," said Klink.

Hochstetter gave a low growl. "Well, it cannot be helped, we will have to make do. For the next forty-eight hours, I want to know every move Hogan makes."

"Don't worry, Major. You can rely on me."

"That's what worries me the most," snarled Hochstetter. "Heil Hitler."

Hogan unplugged the coffee pot. "We've got a big problem."

"It figures," grumbled LeBeau. "Just when we have the whole thing organised, Hochstetter has to come and mess it up. He's always hanging round."

"Yeah, he's here so often, maybe we should invite him to Newkirk's birthday party," added Carter.

A startled silence fell across the group. Newkirk broke it first: "And which birthday party would that be then, Andrew?"

"Nice going, big mouth," muttered LeBeau, glaring at the culprit.

Carter hung his head, peeking up through his eyelashes. "Sorry. I forgot he wasn't supposed to know about it."

"You were going to throw a party for me?" Newkirk gazed at his mates, a slow smile dawning. "Well, that's...that's nice. No, I mean it, I'm really chuffed, even if Carter did spoil it."

"Well, I didn't mean to," protested Carter. "Anyway, we can still have a party, right?"

"Of course we can. Think I'm going to say no to a birthday do?" said Newkirk. "Just do me a favour, and don't invite Hochstetter."

"Actually, maybe we should invite him."

Three sets of eyes turned towards Hogan. "Sir, are you feeling all right?" stammered Carter, after a few seconds.

"Never better," replied Hogan.

"But Hochstetter doesn't like parties," LeBeau protested.

Hogan's left eyebrow went up. "Don't worry," he said. "This will be one shindig he won't want to miss."