Hello everyone,
a new SPN oneshot...
Why did I write this? SPN/Destiel really doesn't need more angst. But I was rewatching 12x15 yesterday and this idea wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't not write this because I dread that something like this is exactly what the angels want Cas for because they know he won't say 'no'.
Sorry T.T
Anyway, try to enjoy anyway.
Disclaimer: Destiel would long be canon if I owned any of them.
Oh yeah, warning for character death and your usual Destiel
It is here. The final showdown.
We are too late. Lucifer's child has been born. Dagon is grinning manically, her smug face fixed on us while Kelly is pressing the wailing and still dirty new-born against herself. But she is drawing her last breaths and once that connection is broken the baby will be completely in the hands of the demons.
Sam is laying against a couple of broken shelves, Dagon threw him there. His left arm is cradled against his body, clearly injured. I cough as I push my way out of the pile of rubble I landed in. The situation seems hopeless. Even together Sam and I aren't strong enough to fight a prince of hell, especially one who sees us coming. The lance with which we killed Ramiel is broken (thank god if I consider the circumstances at the time) and we haven't managed to land a shot with the colt.
Not for the first time I wish that Cas was here. He would be a big help. Weakened or not, he's still an angel. But we haven't managed to contact him for weeks. I can't help but worry about him, but right now is not the time for that. We called him again just before we found Kelly and I even prayed to him but we didn't even get a peep back from him. So we went into this situation without our angel up the sleeve. On the other hand I can't help but be glad that he isn't here. So he is not in danger because of us again. After all, the last time we fought a prince of hell it nearly got him killed. The last thing I need is a repeat of that day.
Shaking the memories of that night in the barn away, I grip a stolen angel blade tighter and advance on Dagon. She only grins.
"You will never defeat any of us. And now that our leader's child is born, there is literally nothing you can do," she says smugly, arm poised to throw me aside for another time, "Humanity will be wiped. Neither you nor those pathetic winged bastards can do anything against that."
"We will see!" I growl back, ready to charge, "Don't underestimate humanity!"
But before any of us can really do anything, a blinding light throws us all against the nearest wall. I gasp and hear Sam groan over in the corner. Dagon screams and the baby wails louder somewhere in the wave of light.
"You! What – " I hear the demon's voice before it breaks off into pained gurgles.
A wet sound, like blood splashing on the floor sounds vaguely from where Dagon was. I blink my eyes but there are still too many spots dancing in front of them, from the blinding light earlier. I turn my head towards where I suspect Sam is.
"Sammy, you okay?" I yell.
"I'm fine," he answers, voice less strained than before, "What just happened?"
"Hell if I know. I still can't see properly," I grumble.
A thump like a body hitting the ground finally forces me back on my feet, hunter instincts kicking in. Even though my vision is still halfway hazy, I move forward, only to stumble over something laying on the ground. A hasty look down, reveals it as what I assume is Dagon's hand. The demon is bloody, yellow eyes open and empty. She's dead. Seeing this doesn't prevent me from losing my balance though. I brace myself for the impact on the ground but instead I hit something warm. A person. A familiar chest. I freeze as careful hands put me securely back on my feet.
"Cas!" I exclaim, drawing as gasp from my brother.
My eyes are wide as they take in our missing angel. He looks… different. His rumpled clothes are smooth for once, the trench coat perfectly clean. His hair is totally chaotic just like when he walked in the barn back when we first met him. For some reason or another his eyes are glowing, making his beautiful vibrant blue look even more ethereal than they usually are. I startle when I realise the weariness that had settled into his face is gone. I am embarrassed to admit that I never noticed it much before now. Maybe I didn't want to see it. But apparently it's correct that some things you only notice when they're gone. Actually he looks strangely at peace, which sends an unexplained feeling of dread down my back. Shouldn't I be happy that he is better? I am certainly glad that he's here.
"Cas, jeez," I reluctantly push him away, "Where have you been all this time? We've been trying to contact you!" I growl, covering my worry and overflowing relief with annoyance.
"I am sorry. I have been up in heaven. I was busy," he tilts his head.
"Busy? Cas, we would have needed you!" I rant but he shakes his head.
"I am sorry," he repeats, "However now is not the time. Lucifer's child has been born and we have to do something against it."
My eyes narrow, "Are you here to kill it?"
"No," he says blankly, "That's what the angels originally wanted but I managed to convince them to let the child live since it has done nothing wrong. The child has no fault in it's parentage."
I breathe a sighs of relief, not even noticing that I am still holding Cas' arm, neither the small smirk adorning my brother's face, "That's good."
He shakes my hand off and strides over to the now still Kelly and the screaming bundle. He keels down next to both of them. With surprising care he lifts the infant from the woman's chest. He taps the baby's forehead and it quiets. Then he touches a two fingers to the mother's neck. His face becomes tight.
"Is she – " I ask.
"Dead. Yes, I'm sorry. Birthing a Nephilim is fatal but I hoped I would arrive fast enough," his head falls down.
"It's fine. You did your best," I squeeze his shoulder, only to have him freezing under my touch, "What are you going to with it now?"
"Him," he corrects me, eyes downcast, "It's a boy. I will pull what would develop into a nephilim's grace out of it. Take everything from him that connects him with Lucifer. That grace will be destroyed, as will the angel who owned it."
"So, essentially it will turn the boy human and kill Lucifer," I repeat, unwilling to believe that it might be that easy.
"Yes," Cas answers to my surprise.
"Great," I nod, seeing Sam heave himself on his feet in the corner of my vision, "What are you waiting for?"
To my shock when he turns to me, his face entirely blank, "It requires a lot of power and concentration," his hand lands to lay flat against the child's forehead. He murmurs a few words and glowing symbols come up on the new-born's skin. While the glow identifies, he strokes the child's cheek for a moment, then lays it down on a blanket on the ground, "We have a few moments until I have to start," his eyes connect with mine and I startle.
"What is it?" I stutter.
But to my surprise, he walks past me to Sam. Frowning I whirl around. He lays a hand on my brother's arm. A crack sounds and the hunter's arm is healed. He thanks the seraph who nods then says a few words under his breath which cause the hazel eyes to widen. But Cas shakes his head, then taps the other's forehead before turning back to me. A small smile comes to his face, his eyes swimming with emotion. He walks back to me.
"Are you injured?" he asks.
I shake myself from my strange daze, "No, I'm fine. Some bruises probably, but nothing you should concern yourself with."
He nods gladly, then takes a step closer. But before I can remind him of personal space (only out of habit, not anymore because I want him to actually step away), he opens his arms and envelopes me in a hug. Automatically I wrap my arms around him too, glad to have him back and whole. If I would just find the courage I would tell him that I never want to let him go.
"Thank you," he suddenly says into my ear, causing a shiver to run down my back, "Thank you for the last years. For showing me what free will means. Thank you for caring. I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you."
"Cas – " I start, my feeling of dread intensifying, but he breaks me off.
"Don't worry heaven won't bother you anymore. Hell will be in chaos after Lucifer is be destroyed, it will take Crowley very long to sort that out. The mess with Billy is resolved as well, you don't have to worry about cosmic consequences anymore. Go live the life you always wanted," he whispers, squeezing me closer for a second.
I see Sam shake his head frantically over the (my) angel's shoulder. My eyes widen and my whole body goes cold. Cas' words remind me way too much of a night not enough weeks ago when he laid on a ratty mattress in a dirty barn, black veins creeping up his body. Dying. NO! I try to rip free but he holds me still.
"Cas, what are you talking about? You sound like there is further danger. You killed Dagon right?" I force my voice not to shake.
"Yes, I killed her," he pulls back, staring into my eyes with his now eerily glowing ones. He throws a look over his shoulder at the now wriggling infant, "We don't have much time."
"Wait, wait," I hastily grab his arm, "What is it, Cas? If she's dead, why are you talking like you are going to…" I can't make myself say the word.
He tilts his head, resignation creeping back into his face for a moment, "Do you really think I could just defeat a prince of hell in my normal condition? No, not a chance. When I went to heaven they asked for my help to get rid of Lucifer's child. I would be accepted back if I did that too and they would help us instead of fighting us. Since I refused to kill him, we came up with this spell. It came with the advantage that it destroys Lucifer too."
"So what?" I press on, though I'm not sure whether I want to hear the answer if Sam's face is anything to go by. However just like him it seems like I suddenly can't move anymore.
"Like I said, it requires a lot of power. Far more than I have. Ever had," he does his best to hold my gaze, but only the glow in his irises hides his emotional turmoil, "With a spell we drew power from angels who had already moved on, such as Gabriel, and channelled it into me. That's how I could defeat Dagon so easily."
Desperately I try to reach my hands out for him, because I feel as if he's slipping away from me. Obediently he steps closer and lets me embrace him again. Even though I don't want to hear it, he keeps speaking when he steps back again.
"But I am not made to contain so much power," he smiles sadly as he backs out of my reach.
"No Cas!" I burst out, finally understanding his meaning, "You can't do this! We will find a different solution – "
"No," he breaks me off with a determined voice, "There isn't. The spell needs a sacrifice so the angel the grace belongs to will be destroyed."
"Then we will do something else. We – " I try, my voice close to breaking.
"If I don't do this, the additional grace will destroy me. Dean," his gaze catches mine, "There is no way around it."
"NO!" I scream, but he only smiles sadly, "There has to be something!"
"There isn't," he says softly, "It's fine. It was my own choice. So I can clean up the mess I caused by letting Lucifer out of the cage," he gives me another sad smile, then steps forward again, but I am completely frozen. He must have stopped me with his grace, "Please don't think badly of me."
Before I can ask what he means with this, chapped but warm lips suddenly connect with mine. It's just for a moment and I have barely registered that it's Cas kissing me when he pulls away already. I want to scream, I want to rant but most of all I want to grip him, kiss him senseless and especially never let him go again. But I am frozen and this time it's not his grace. Damnit Cas, why do you always do that when you're about to leave me forever. He smiles another time, resignation slipping back in. And in that moment I realise that he must have taken my lack of reaction as rejection.
But before I can correct him, he steps next to the baby, the glow around the infant having intensified by now, "Don't come closer. It might blind or harm you."
He smiles and I know it's the last smile I will ever see from him. That rips me out of my daze and I yell at him to stop, plead with him, Sam struggling against his own invisible bonds as well, but it's too late.
"Farewell, my friends."
And with that he kneels next to the new-born. His fingers touch the child's head and everything erupts into light once again. I hear someone screaming and only belatedly realise that it's me. It seems to go on forever but in reality it wasn't more than two minutes. Then suddenly all my bonds fall away and Sam's voice halls through the destroyed room.
And I know with a sickening certainty that Castiel, angel of Thursday, is forever gone.
My voice breaks as I scream my agony at the world. The light dims down, leaving nothing but a wailing infant and a familiar beige piece of fabric.
"NO!" I scream as I rush forward. But my legs won't hold me and I fall to my knees not two steps later, "No, please!" I sob, "Cas! Come back, you dumbass! You can't leave me here alone, bastard! I love you!" my hands grip the once again dirty trench coat, fingers clenching in a corner of the fabric, "You can't do that to me! Castiel, come back. I love you. I love you."
I don't even feel Sam kneel next to me or him wrapping his arms around me. I vaguely feel the warmth but don't even manage to lean into it. Instead I pull the trench coat to my body, trying to breath in what little of Cas' scent remains. Tears are streaming down my cheeks.
"Why, you idiot? Were you so desperate to get accepted back into heaven that you would even kill yourself for it? Couldn't we have been enough for you?" I sob.
"He didn't do it for heaven," I hear my brother's voice close to me and at the same time as if he was far away, heavy with grief too, "He did it for humanity, for us. For you, so you could stop hunting and have the live you dreamed of."
"How would you know?" I snort wetly, face in the beige fabric.
"He told me," he whispers and I feel a wet drop on my ear that's not my own tears, "But then he silenced me, so I couldn't stop him or warn you."
"Cas, you stupid idiot," I choke out, "The life I wanted. Have wanted for the last few years…" I cough, throat catching, "It was always you. Hunting with you. Goddamnit, I would have been happy fighting demons for the rest of my live as long as you were by my side. All I wanted was to spend the rest of my live with the only one I ever truly fell in love with. Why did you do this?"
"I think you can answer that question by yourself," my brother whispers.
I shake my head and now, the tall form manages to turn me, causing me to bury my face in the brunette's muscled shoulder.
"I didn't do anything," I whisper, the anger over Cas' selflessness rushing out, leaving only grief and overwhelming sadness.
"You couldn't have done anything," Sam corrects me softly, "His decision was set. There was no changing it."
"But if I had… Before that… Years before…" I have trouble forming whole sentences. The tightening of arms around me, shows my brother's silent agreement that if we (especially me) had acted differently in past years, we might not be here now. I choke again, but shake my head, "That's not what I mean. I-I… He said he loved me," the barn flashes through my mind, "And I couldn't even say it back. The words wouldn't come out. I was a coward. It was the same as if I rejected him."
I feel the brunette's jaw clench, "It wasn't the same," he says tightly but we both know that it's not really true, "Besides it turned out… okay."
I snort, new tears coming down, "Yeah, sure. And now he kissed me and I was so frozen in realization over what he was about to do that I didn't react. I even rejected him when he was about to sacrifice himself for us."
Not even my intelligent brother can come up with an answer to that, "I'm sure he knows you love him," he says after a long pause.
"No, he didn't," I simply say then bury my face in the trench coat.
After that I barely register anything. Not that Sam picks up first me and then the now human child and brings us outside to the Impala. Not even the sight of my car gets any reaction from me. I just sit there, clutching the coat to me. I don't notice when Sam drives away from the building where Kelly's body is still laying in. Not when he stops at a hospital to hand the little boy off because we can't take care of him. Not even when he finally stops in the bunker garage. Somehow he manages to coax me out of the car and into my bed. But the soft mattress doesn't give me comfort, only that the bed seems too large for one person alone.
Sam sits on my bedside for a long time trying to get me to talk but we both know that it will never be the same. That I will never be the same. Too big a piece of me died with Cas, the man I love.
Sam's POV
It's been five days since we lost Cas. Since the selfless idiot sacrificed himself for us another time. Only that this time he's not coming back. Never. Neither of us deals well with it. I feel only exhausted since that day. I don't have the energy to really do anything. Even Mary seems down. She didn't know Cas for long but she could see his devotion to us and respected him for that. They had something in common because they both never felt completely like they belonged in this time and world. It comforted her I think. She told me that at some point that she basically considered Cas as another of her sons. We joked that he was her son-in-law after all.
But who takes it worst is of course Dean. There has been little change in him from the day the angel died. He still spends his whole day curled around that trench coat. It's once again the only thing left of Cas. Three days ago he found the seraph's cell phone in one of the pockets and played with it until the battery ran out. Replaying the voice mail message, scrolling through his texts or the few pictures he has. I think what became his favourite is a video Cas made on accident most likely. I would say it was taken just about after the first time he stole someone else's grace and it starts with listening to a conversation he has with another angel over the phone. Then he puts it down, but without noticing that the camera is still going or that he even activated it. So it goes on for about ten more minutes, filming Cas while he is trying to working on the wall (which looks just like what we make for a case), he has set up in his motel room.
Dean has also done little more than lay around in bed all day, only getting up to use the bathroom. He's still mostly ignoring everyone around him. Eating and drinking takes quite some time coaxing. Even when mother came he barely reacted. She sits on his bedside a lot of time but he ignores even her. It's like he doesn't register anything going on around him. I don't know what he sees instead or what he dreams of during all the time he sleep but I guess it's finally living the life he wished for the past years, which is not possible anymore because the most vital part of it sacrificed himself to exactly give him that life. The angel just never thought that he might be the key to it.
I knew he would never recover should we lose Cas one day, but I didn't think it would be that bad. I know the guilt is heavily weighing on him. What is worst for him though is that the angel confessed and kissed him and he never reciprocated. He let his fear block him and it lost him the biggest chance for a happy live he ever had.
I have heard him praying to Cas, to Chuck, to any deity really and even other angels. But both mother and I know that no one can bring our angel back this time. He's wherever so many angels went before him. With Gabriel, Balthazar, Samandriel, Hannah and so on. Back in heaven in a way, yes. I hope at least he can be at peace now. He more than deserves it
Claire was more angry when I called her. She yelled at me that she told Dean to take care of him and that I should get him on the phone so she can shout at him. When I told her that Dean was not reacting, she called it convenient. I think she grieves where nobody can see it. I called Jody later and she confirmed that Claire looked like she had been crying. She might have hated Cas for destroying her family but he was trying to make it up and I don't think it left her cold.
For now we have to focus on coaxing Dean back into the real world but if I'm honest I don't think our chances are high. I am leaning against the doorframe of his room right now, watching him. He's still curled around Cas' coat, mumbling something to it as if it was a living being. I'm afraid that this was the last straw for my already emotionally challenged brother. That too much broke in him with Cas' death. Right now I am seriously glad that Amara gave us mother back, for now I might have lost my brother, the one who took care of me my whole life.
I am afraid he will follow the only one he ever truly loved.
That's it. Thanks for reading.
Still smiling...
Let's hope that doesn't come true...
Reviews please and see you some other time.
