James Potter Vs. THE WORLD
It was an average day in 70s England, and Lily had just come back from Costco.
"James," she called from the kitchen, throwing the keys to her moped on the marble countertop. "Come and help me with these bags."
She received no reply.
Her heart told her to check the second floor bathroom.
He was not there.
Her heart was a fucking liar.
Just then, she heard a voice from the back garden exclaim, "I am angry."
Lily rushed down to greet the voice that sounded handsome and strange, almost as if it belong to a handsome stranger.
Upon entering the garden she did indeed witness something handsome and strange.
James Potter was angry.
He was also in a paddling pool.
James was sitting in a bright blue paddling pool, his hanging over the side, his arms encased in inflatable arm bands, his hot ass stomach surrounded by a hot ass inflatable rubber ring.
"James?" she asked.
"I am angry," he announced.
"What happened?"
James needed only to gesture to his left. A solitary rubber duck was lying on the grass. Lily gasped.
(Five Minutes Earlier)
James Potter was happy. He had his rubber duck and that was all the mattered. Then, in a cruel twist of fate, the wind came and blew it straight out of his hand. Fucking wind. Almost as untrustworthy as Lily's fucking heart. Almost.
(Present)
Lily continued to gasp throughout this flashback.
"I know right!" cried James.
Lily gasped.
"How am I supposed to enjoy my paddling time when my rubber ducky has flown from my grasp?" he cried. "So close, yet so far away!"
"Oh, Merlin!" Lily gasped. "And I thought when that woman in Costco headbutted my right boob that I had problems. You've put things into perspective."
James stood up, angrily. James Potter was angry.
"How dare you even consider comparing our two situations?" he bellowed, his armbands shaking with venom.
Lily rolled her eyes. "Whatever, babes, come and help me bring in the shopping from my moped basket."
James Potter was angry about this. Not just about the duck. Not just about the fact that the armbands had been purchased for his month old son and so were cutting off the circulation to his manly, calloused hands (because of his manly Quidditch days). No. James Potter was angry about this.
He attempted to step out of the pool and slipped, landing arse first onto that notorious rubber ducky.
James Potter was in pain.
"I am in pain," he announced.
"Please just help me with the shopping."
"I will not!" cried James, his fist flailing in the air.
"Why not?" asked Lily, hands on her hips, emerald eyes gleaming with her characteristic fiery rage.
"Because" he screamed, "there is no Costco in England!"
Lily gasped.
James attempted to march back into the house, however his attempts were foiled by the rubber ring around his waist, which got caught in the doorway.
He looked like a fool. He felt like a fool. James Potter was foolish.
"I am foolish," he announced to the cat.
The cat didn't give a shit.
"Damn it, cat," he cried. "Puncture this evil ring with your vicious claws."
The cat remained ungiving of shits.
Then, he turned his head all the way around to face Lily, like an owl or the child from The Exorcist. Anger was engraved in every one of his beautiful manly features.
He narrowed his eyes at his fiery temptress wife. "The whole world is against me!"
