TITLE: Enjoy This Post-'Requiem' Fanfic, Won't You?
AUTHOR: a frightened little girl
DISTRIBUTION/FEEDBACK: Yes. To the moon and back. sosilently@aol.com
RATING: R for language and sexual situations
CLASSIFICATION: Story-Humor
SPOILERS: Well, Requiem.
SUMMARY: I invite you to enjoy this post-'Requiem' fanfic.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. No sue.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: What does this post-Requiem fanfic have to offer that
all the others don't? A complete lack of what I like to call "making
any sense." Enjoy in good health.
~
Enjoy This Post-'Requiem' Fanfic, Won't You?
by a frightened little girl
~
Fox Mulder was abducted by aliens, in a flying saucer, and taken
into outer space.
This startled him a bit.
"Where am I?" he thought to himself. Then he shook his head rather
stupidly and thought, "Well, I really know full well that I've been
abducted by aliens and am now in a flying saucer in outer space, but
the whole thing is so amazing that I think I'll spend a few more
moments being incredulous."
While he did that, he took the time to note his surroundings. It
really did look like the inside of your typical flying saucer. The
walls were all curved and silver and shiny, and if he stared at them
too long his eyes began to hurt. The temperature was kept at a
comfortable 74 degrees Fahrenheit, and there were some aliens milling
around, waving their tentacles and chatting. He was strapped down to
a metal table, but the straps weren't altogether too oppressive or
binding and he appreciated that.
After a few more moments of being wide-eyed and incredulous, he
decided to relax and blink a little and come to terms with the
reality of the situation.
"Excuse me?" Mulder said politely.
One of the aliens paused and walked over to him. He was green with
lots of tentacles and looked kind of plasticky. "May I help you?" he
asked.
"Yes," Mulder said, pleased that the alien spoke English so well.
"You just abducted me from Earth, and I was wondering what you
planned to do with me."
"Ah!" The alien glanced around with a few of its many bulbous eyes.
"You must not have had your orientation yet. Well, let's not waste
any more of your time!"
Another be-tentacled alien approached, carrying a clipboard and
wearing a nametag. The name was written in some weird, alien
language, but Mulder decided to have a go at it anyway. "Zur-flish-
na-guyay-ak?"
"Put the emphasis on the FLISH," it said, waving its tentacles
around in an aggravated manner.
"Zur-FLISH-na-guyay-ak?" he tried again.
"Very good, Mr. Mulder," it said, and made a little mark on its
clipboard. "Now, to business. You have been abducted by aliens and
are now in a flying saucer."
"Indeed," Mulder said gravely.
"We have decided to ignore the Earth's vast body of information
available on the workings of the human lifeform and instead figure
everything out for ourselves via painful and potentially degrading
tests."
"I see." Mulder wasn't too thrilled at the prospect, but he admonished
himself to be more open-minded when it came to unfamiliar cultures
and waited for the alien to continue.
"Now, we have chosen you and a select few from other species - " the
alien gestured to the side, where several other tentacled aliens were
holding a Labrador retriever and an irate warthog " - to experiment
on and catalogue and just generally mess with."
"Of course." Mulder had suspected this was the way aliens worked all
along, and the confirmation of his suspicions was pleasant and self-
gratifying.
The alien made another note on his clipboard. "Even though our stated
goal is to learn every facet of the human anatomy, you'll find that
our focus usually steers towards your genitals. It's a bit of a
fixation with us, and we're not going to apologize for it."
The alien sounded rather defensive and Mulder felt slightly concerned.
"That's fine!" he said, trying to be reassuring. "I understand as well
as you do, what must be done, must be done."
"Thank you." The alien's dark green pallor lightened a little bit.
"Sometimes the test subjects we have just don't understand and they
fight and scream, and let me tell you, sometimes it's just not worth
the trouble. Some days I don't even know why I get out of bed, if all
I have to look forward to is belligerence and the damned whining of
government bureaucrats. 'Heal' this, and 'immortality' that, and most
of the time the test subjects they give us are barely adequate! No
offense intended, of course." The alien suddenly extended a tentacle
and shook Mulder's hand briskly. "You are one of the only exceptions
to that hateful rule, and I salute you for it!"
Mulder was almost positive he was blushing. "No," he mumbled,
embarrassed. "Really, think nothing of it."
"Tut tut! There's no need for modesty!" the alien exclaimed, and made
an odd sort of snapping sound with two of his tentacles. Two burly
aliens came over promptly and grabbed the ends of Mulder's bed. They
gave a slight lurch and began to wheel him out of the room.
"Well, anyway," Mulder's ears were burning, "thanks very much for your
kind regard. It means a lot to me, it really does."
The alien slithered alongside the bed, blinking back several hundred
tears of righteousness from several hundred pairs of eyes. "Of course,
my friend! Truly, you are a giant among men! A 'diamond in the rough,'
to quote your charming Disney film! Your contribution to our Project
will be glorious, and I am certain that history will celebrate it
forever in the yellowed annals of time!"
They approached a shiny silver door, and the alien thrust a tentacle
high into the air in a sort of crazed glory.
"NOW," he bellowed, "TO THE ANAL PROBE!"
"All in all," Mulder thought to himself as they disappeared through
the doors, "it hasn't been a bad way to end the day."
****
The fact that Fox Mulder had been abducted by aliens, in a flying
saucer, and then taken into outer space upset Dana Scully very much.
She was so upset that she went out and bought a gallon of Rocky Road
ice cream, some smoked oysters, and a six-pack of orange soda, then
proceeded to devour the whole lot within a span of four hours. This
only served to remind her that she was also pregnant, a fact that
simultaneously enraged and depressed her, and she became so wildly
distraught that she went to the store and bought a jar of pickles and
a giant carton of Twix bars. She was able to detach herself from the
situation enough to realize that it was an expensive, rather vicious
cycle, but her stomach and taste buds were purring for the first time
in months and together they convinced her mind to go fuck off.
So Scully sat on her couch in front of the muted TV, gnawing on pickles
and Twix bars and rubbing her stomach gently. Loneliness washed over her
like a wave. Even though Mulder had only been gone for fourteen hours,
she felt his absence keenly and the thought of what tortures he might be
enduring gave her goosebumps. Also her air conditioner was on and she
was sitting right underneath a vent, so she grabbed an afghan and
wrapped it around herself. The goosebumps went away and she began to
feel somewhat secure and warm. Well, as secure and warm as she could
possibly feel, while still lacking Mulder, etc. She stuffed another
Twix into her mouth and resolved not to think about the matter for
awhile.
The fine hairs on the back of her neck suddenly prickled, and an
uncanny sensation seemed to pool in the very air around her. "A
*presence*," Scully thought, almost in awe. "*His* presence?"
Slowly, quietly, her fingers tightening around the edges of the afghan,
Scully whispered, "Mulder?"
The air itself seemed to sigh.
Tears puddled in her eyes and began to spill down her cheeks. "Oh,
Mulder," she whispered, knowing that, wherever he was, he could hear.
"I miss you so much. You should know, Mulder, that something amazing
has happened. I'm pregnant."
The air seemed to recoil in shock.
"Yes, I know!" Scully wailed. "I was barren! I was never supposed to
have children! I had resigned myself to that fact, and so I figured as
a trade-off that meant I could have random promiscuous sex with other
men!"
It took the air a minute to process that fact.
"And now I'm pregnant," Scully wept, "and I don't have a clue who the
father is. Or maybe it's some sort of genetically-altered alien baby,
and the government will snatch it from my hands once I give birth! Or
maybe it's *yours* and that means we had sex and I don't remember it,
and *damn it* Mulder, you promised me we'd both be awake the first time
we had sex!"
The air tried to run reassuring fingers down her hair and the sides of
her face, but she would have none of it. "And how am I supposed to face
my mother like this?" she raged. "I'm just another unwed mother! I'm
just another goddamn statistic! Look at me! I'm already having massive
cravings and mood swings and I'm not even in the second trimester! What
kind of wreck am I going to be three months from now? And you're off
gallivanting in space! The baby's not even born and you're already a
deadbeat dad! How're you going to top that when the baby's actually
born? Are you gonna SHOOT at it? Are you gonna take it to COURT and
accuse it of conspiring against you? What the FUCK is your problem,
Mulder?"
The air stepped back, aghast, and Scully let out a howl of terror and
pain and collapsed onto the couch in a torrent of sobs.
"I love you, Mulder," she murmured piteously into the cushions, and the
world itself seemed to collapse and fold around her. "God, Mulder, I
love you so much..."
The air rushed around her briefly and disappeared, and deep inside her
soul she thanked the Lord for that fleeting, brief connection. Sleep
tugged at her with irresistable tenderness, and she fell into a weary,
dreamless slumber that tasted faintly of salty chocolate.
****
Several million miles away, Mulder was squirming on top of a rather
thick metal pole and wondering vaguely what the hell Scully was up to.
****
Time passed.
****
More time passed.
****
Sometimes Scully got the intangible impression that the events of her
life climaxed in May and fell into a trough of dull monotony until mid-
November, but she decided she was probably overreacting.
****
The prostate, Mulder learned, can be a formidable sexual ally.
****
Halloween passed. Scully and the baby partook of several hundred
mini-Baby Ruth bars, their favorite candy. Mulder ejaculated several
times into small plastic containers and had a spirited discussion with
ZurFLISHnaguyayak about ice hockey being a legitimate sport.
Privately, everyone involved agreed it had been quite a good day.
****
Suddenly it was mid-November.
Scully felt that intangible something in the air again, and she
screamed to the heavens that she was fucking tired of things being
dull and intangible and that if they really wanted her attention,
they'd make something actually fucking happen.
Inexplicably, Mulder suddenly reappeared right in front of her, freshly
pressed and newly minted.
ZurFLISHnaguyayak had approached him that morning with a white T-shirt
and a stylish leather jacket, and bid him a fond farewell. There had
been a few unconvincing machoisms and a little weeping, but they both
promised to keep in touch and wished the other luck. Mulder got dressed
and, with a jaunty wave, left his old life behind.
"Scully..." he whispered, staring at her. Months and months in space
hadn't exactly prepared him for delicate social commentary, so he felt
no guilt whatsoever when he exclaimed, "You're enormous!"
"Yes," Scully said dryly. "And you're not wearing any pants."
Mulder glanced down and discovered that she was indeed correct. The
T-shirt and jacket combo made a handsome impression, but the lack of
pants did throw off the look of the ensemble.
"Yes," he said, discreetly folding his hands in front of him. "You see,
on the flying saucer, they were performing all sorts of wild sexual
experiments on me, so, they usually, um, forgo the wearing of pants."
"Yes," Scully said. "And I'm enormous because I'm pregnant."
For a moment he thought she was trying to be sarcastic and his brow
furrowed, but then he looked at the large swell of her belly and inhaled
sharply. "Scully!" he exclaimed, forgetting to be modest in the wonder
of the moment. He opened his arms and embraced her warmly.
She hugged him back, albeit a bit stiffly. "What's the matter?" he
asked, concern heavy and dark in his eyes.
"Well," she said hesitantly, "this whole 'no pants' thing is kind of
off-putting, but that doesn't matter!" Her eyes blazed. "I love you,
Fox Mulder! Pants or no pants!"
He hugged her again, her head tucked snugly under his chin, and with a
little shiver he felt true happiness rush through him for the first
time in his life.
"I love you too, Dana Scully," he whispered. "But I think that under
the circumstances, you should probably leave your pants on."
~
AUTHOR: a frightened little girl
DISTRIBUTION/FEEDBACK: Yes. To the moon and back. sosilently@aol.com
RATING: R for language and sexual situations
CLASSIFICATION: Story-Humor
SPOILERS: Well, Requiem.
SUMMARY: I invite you to enjoy this post-'Requiem' fanfic.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. No sue.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: What does this post-Requiem fanfic have to offer that
all the others don't? A complete lack of what I like to call "making
any sense." Enjoy in good health.
~
Enjoy This Post-'Requiem' Fanfic, Won't You?
by a frightened little girl
~
Fox Mulder was abducted by aliens, in a flying saucer, and taken
into outer space.
This startled him a bit.
"Where am I?" he thought to himself. Then he shook his head rather
stupidly and thought, "Well, I really know full well that I've been
abducted by aliens and am now in a flying saucer in outer space, but
the whole thing is so amazing that I think I'll spend a few more
moments being incredulous."
While he did that, he took the time to note his surroundings. It
really did look like the inside of your typical flying saucer. The
walls were all curved and silver and shiny, and if he stared at them
too long his eyes began to hurt. The temperature was kept at a
comfortable 74 degrees Fahrenheit, and there were some aliens milling
around, waving their tentacles and chatting. He was strapped down to
a metal table, but the straps weren't altogether too oppressive or
binding and he appreciated that.
After a few more moments of being wide-eyed and incredulous, he
decided to relax and blink a little and come to terms with the
reality of the situation.
"Excuse me?" Mulder said politely.
One of the aliens paused and walked over to him. He was green with
lots of tentacles and looked kind of plasticky. "May I help you?" he
asked.
"Yes," Mulder said, pleased that the alien spoke English so well.
"You just abducted me from Earth, and I was wondering what you
planned to do with me."
"Ah!" The alien glanced around with a few of its many bulbous eyes.
"You must not have had your orientation yet. Well, let's not waste
any more of your time!"
Another be-tentacled alien approached, carrying a clipboard and
wearing a nametag. The name was written in some weird, alien
language, but Mulder decided to have a go at it anyway. "Zur-flish-
na-guyay-ak?"
"Put the emphasis on the FLISH," it said, waving its tentacles
around in an aggravated manner.
"Zur-FLISH-na-guyay-ak?" he tried again.
"Very good, Mr. Mulder," it said, and made a little mark on its
clipboard. "Now, to business. You have been abducted by aliens and
are now in a flying saucer."
"Indeed," Mulder said gravely.
"We have decided to ignore the Earth's vast body of information
available on the workings of the human lifeform and instead figure
everything out for ourselves via painful and potentially degrading
tests."
"I see." Mulder wasn't too thrilled at the prospect, but he admonished
himself to be more open-minded when it came to unfamiliar cultures
and waited for the alien to continue.
"Now, we have chosen you and a select few from other species - " the
alien gestured to the side, where several other tentacled aliens were
holding a Labrador retriever and an irate warthog " - to experiment
on and catalogue and just generally mess with."
"Of course." Mulder had suspected this was the way aliens worked all
along, and the confirmation of his suspicions was pleasant and self-
gratifying.
The alien made another note on his clipboard. "Even though our stated
goal is to learn every facet of the human anatomy, you'll find that
our focus usually steers towards your genitals. It's a bit of a
fixation with us, and we're not going to apologize for it."
The alien sounded rather defensive and Mulder felt slightly concerned.
"That's fine!" he said, trying to be reassuring. "I understand as well
as you do, what must be done, must be done."
"Thank you." The alien's dark green pallor lightened a little bit.
"Sometimes the test subjects we have just don't understand and they
fight and scream, and let me tell you, sometimes it's just not worth
the trouble. Some days I don't even know why I get out of bed, if all
I have to look forward to is belligerence and the damned whining of
government bureaucrats. 'Heal' this, and 'immortality' that, and most
of the time the test subjects they give us are barely adequate! No
offense intended, of course." The alien suddenly extended a tentacle
and shook Mulder's hand briskly. "You are one of the only exceptions
to that hateful rule, and I salute you for it!"
Mulder was almost positive he was blushing. "No," he mumbled,
embarrassed. "Really, think nothing of it."
"Tut tut! There's no need for modesty!" the alien exclaimed, and made
an odd sort of snapping sound with two of his tentacles. Two burly
aliens came over promptly and grabbed the ends of Mulder's bed. They
gave a slight lurch and began to wheel him out of the room.
"Well, anyway," Mulder's ears were burning, "thanks very much for your
kind regard. It means a lot to me, it really does."
The alien slithered alongside the bed, blinking back several hundred
tears of righteousness from several hundred pairs of eyes. "Of course,
my friend! Truly, you are a giant among men! A 'diamond in the rough,'
to quote your charming Disney film! Your contribution to our Project
will be glorious, and I am certain that history will celebrate it
forever in the yellowed annals of time!"
They approached a shiny silver door, and the alien thrust a tentacle
high into the air in a sort of crazed glory.
"NOW," he bellowed, "TO THE ANAL PROBE!"
"All in all," Mulder thought to himself as they disappeared through
the doors, "it hasn't been a bad way to end the day."
****
The fact that Fox Mulder had been abducted by aliens, in a flying
saucer, and then taken into outer space upset Dana Scully very much.
She was so upset that she went out and bought a gallon of Rocky Road
ice cream, some smoked oysters, and a six-pack of orange soda, then
proceeded to devour the whole lot within a span of four hours. This
only served to remind her that she was also pregnant, a fact that
simultaneously enraged and depressed her, and she became so wildly
distraught that she went to the store and bought a jar of pickles and
a giant carton of Twix bars. She was able to detach herself from the
situation enough to realize that it was an expensive, rather vicious
cycle, but her stomach and taste buds were purring for the first time
in months and together they convinced her mind to go fuck off.
So Scully sat on her couch in front of the muted TV, gnawing on pickles
and Twix bars and rubbing her stomach gently. Loneliness washed over her
like a wave. Even though Mulder had only been gone for fourteen hours,
she felt his absence keenly and the thought of what tortures he might be
enduring gave her goosebumps. Also her air conditioner was on and she
was sitting right underneath a vent, so she grabbed an afghan and
wrapped it around herself. The goosebumps went away and she began to
feel somewhat secure and warm. Well, as secure and warm as she could
possibly feel, while still lacking Mulder, etc. She stuffed another
Twix into her mouth and resolved not to think about the matter for
awhile.
The fine hairs on the back of her neck suddenly prickled, and an
uncanny sensation seemed to pool in the very air around her. "A
*presence*," Scully thought, almost in awe. "*His* presence?"
Slowly, quietly, her fingers tightening around the edges of the afghan,
Scully whispered, "Mulder?"
The air itself seemed to sigh.
Tears puddled in her eyes and began to spill down her cheeks. "Oh,
Mulder," she whispered, knowing that, wherever he was, he could hear.
"I miss you so much. You should know, Mulder, that something amazing
has happened. I'm pregnant."
The air seemed to recoil in shock.
"Yes, I know!" Scully wailed. "I was barren! I was never supposed to
have children! I had resigned myself to that fact, and so I figured as
a trade-off that meant I could have random promiscuous sex with other
men!"
It took the air a minute to process that fact.
"And now I'm pregnant," Scully wept, "and I don't have a clue who the
father is. Or maybe it's some sort of genetically-altered alien baby,
and the government will snatch it from my hands once I give birth! Or
maybe it's *yours* and that means we had sex and I don't remember it,
and *damn it* Mulder, you promised me we'd both be awake the first time
we had sex!"
The air tried to run reassuring fingers down her hair and the sides of
her face, but she would have none of it. "And how am I supposed to face
my mother like this?" she raged. "I'm just another unwed mother! I'm
just another goddamn statistic! Look at me! I'm already having massive
cravings and mood swings and I'm not even in the second trimester! What
kind of wreck am I going to be three months from now? And you're off
gallivanting in space! The baby's not even born and you're already a
deadbeat dad! How're you going to top that when the baby's actually
born? Are you gonna SHOOT at it? Are you gonna take it to COURT and
accuse it of conspiring against you? What the FUCK is your problem,
Mulder?"
The air stepped back, aghast, and Scully let out a howl of terror and
pain and collapsed onto the couch in a torrent of sobs.
"I love you, Mulder," she murmured piteously into the cushions, and the
world itself seemed to collapse and fold around her. "God, Mulder, I
love you so much..."
The air rushed around her briefly and disappeared, and deep inside her
soul she thanked the Lord for that fleeting, brief connection. Sleep
tugged at her with irresistable tenderness, and she fell into a weary,
dreamless slumber that tasted faintly of salty chocolate.
****
Several million miles away, Mulder was squirming on top of a rather
thick metal pole and wondering vaguely what the hell Scully was up to.
****
Time passed.
****
More time passed.
****
Sometimes Scully got the intangible impression that the events of her
life climaxed in May and fell into a trough of dull monotony until mid-
November, but she decided she was probably overreacting.
****
The prostate, Mulder learned, can be a formidable sexual ally.
****
Halloween passed. Scully and the baby partook of several hundred
mini-Baby Ruth bars, their favorite candy. Mulder ejaculated several
times into small plastic containers and had a spirited discussion with
ZurFLISHnaguyayak about ice hockey being a legitimate sport.
Privately, everyone involved agreed it had been quite a good day.
****
Suddenly it was mid-November.
Scully felt that intangible something in the air again, and she
screamed to the heavens that she was fucking tired of things being
dull and intangible and that if they really wanted her attention,
they'd make something actually fucking happen.
Inexplicably, Mulder suddenly reappeared right in front of her, freshly
pressed and newly minted.
ZurFLISHnaguyayak had approached him that morning with a white T-shirt
and a stylish leather jacket, and bid him a fond farewell. There had
been a few unconvincing machoisms and a little weeping, but they both
promised to keep in touch and wished the other luck. Mulder got dressed
and, with a jaunty wave, left his old life behind.
"Scully..." he whispered, staring at her. Months and months in space
hadn't exactly prepared him for delicate social commentary, so he felt
no guilt whatsoever when he exclaimed, "You're enormous!"
"Yes," Scully said dryly. "And you're not wearing any pants."
Mulder glanced down and discovered that she was indeed correct. The
T-shirt and jacket combo made a handsome impression, but the lack of
pants did throw off the look of the ensemble.
"Yes," he said, discreetly folding his hands in front of him. "You see,
on the flying saucer, they were performing all sorts of wild sexual
experiments on me, so, they usually, um, forgo the wearing of pants."
"Yes," Scully said. "And I'm enormous because I'm pregnant."
For a moment he thought she was trying to be sarcastic and his brow
furrowed, but then he looked at the large swell of her belly and inhaled
sharply. "Scully!" he exclaimed, forgetting to be modest in the wonder
of the moment. He opened his arms and embraced her warmly.
She hugged him back, albeit a bit stiffly. "What's the matter?" he
asked, concern heavy and dark in his eyes.
"Well," she said hesitantly, "this whole 'no pants' thing is kind of
off-putting, but that doesn't matter!" Her eyes blazed. "I love you,
Fox Mulder! Pants or no pants!"
He hugged her again, her head tucked snugly under his chin, and with a
little shiver he felt true happiness rush through him for the first
time in his life.
"I love you too, Dana Scully," he whispered. "But I think that under
the circumstances, you should probably leave your pants on."
~
