A/N: Welcome to my new fic, English Lessons With Yellowfang. I know there are tons of fandom-bashing fics out there, but the trouble is, people never listen. So I thought I'd try and give this lesson, but make more of a story out of it, and maybe try to tell it the nice way.

Enjoy.

Lesson 1: Names

The classroom was layed out in an orderly way; this new teacher wouldn't have it any other way. The tables were in parallel rows, all facing the blank white board at the front of the room. In each of the blue plastic chairs sat a feline student, eager to learn more about how to improve their fanfiction. Well, I say "eager", but in truth, many of them had been forced into coming here by those that couldn't stand the terribly clichéd, boring stories they wrote, were sick of all the so-called "humor" they were producing, and weren't being listened to when they gave criticism.

The class fell silent as the teacher entered. Her appearance didn't match the neatness of the room's layout – she was a scruffy grey cat with teeth that had seen better days. Despite her age, she still had a twinkle in her yellow eyes. She was followed by a smaller and darker cat with blue eyes. The elderly cat padded up to the desk at the front of the room, and leapt up. She overbalanced a little, sending several pieces of paper drifting to the floor. "Stupid paper," she muttered under her breath, then cleared her throat. "Welcome to your new English class. My name is Yellowfang-"

"Hi, Yellowfang!" the class interrupted.

The she-cat rolled her eyes. "Now, I don't know all your names, so Cinderpelt, my assistant" – she pointed to the darker cat, who sat innocently by the door – "will bring around sticky labels so you can write your names on them."

Once the cats had completed this task, Yellowfang glanced around at some of the names. "Now, what do we have here?" she murmured, her gaze fixing on a white she-cat with a sticker on her chest saying ANGELHEART OF THUNDERCLAN. "Tell me...what is an angel?"

The white cat stood up. "It's the Twoleg version of a StarClan warrior, Miss."

"Then why ever are you called that?" the grey feline asked. "We're cats, not Twolegs! And you," she turned to a black tom with red eyes, whose label said DEATHCLAW OF SHADOWCLAN, "What was your mother thinking?"

"I honestly don't know," answered the tom, shrugging. "I've always wondered why she named me Deathkit. Maybe she wanted me to be evil. Or maybe she just wanted me to die," he added, his classmates giving him sympathetic looks.

"She must have had a little too much catnip," Yellowfang commented. Next, she turned to a ginger tom with a white-tipped tail. His label said STARGAZER OF RIVERCLAN. "Tell me, Stargazer, do you ever plan on becoming Clan leader? Because then, you would be called Starstar!" she cackled. "See what I did there? And you, Diamondstar, what is a diamond?" she questioned, turning to a tabby tom with glistening white eyes.

"It's a type of precious stone, Miss," he answered. "There are lots of them near my Clan's territory."

"And which Clan are you from?" the aging grey cat asked curiously.

"OceanClan," the tabby announced proudly.

"I say, the forest has changed since I was there," Yellowfang mused. "I mean, back when I was in the books, no one would name their kits Poisonkit, Mysterykit, and Dragonkit!" She pointed accusingly to three kittens.

"Hey!" a high-pitched voice chimed. "You leave us alone, you meanie!" The she-cat turned her saffron eyes to see a stunning silver tabby with beautiful azure eyes and a white star-shaped patch on her chest. Yellowfang read her name: FALLENSONG OF THUNDERCLAN. "These cats never did anything to you!" Fallensong snapped.

This is going to be a long two weeks, Yellowfang thought.