Love in the Shadow of an Oak Tree: a Love Story
Chapter 1
One day Kid Rock was at home by himself and he was wandering around his house nonchalantly singing Bawitdaba because it was one of his hit singles and he was and always will be extremely proud of it. The sun rippled across his mighty torso through the bathroom window as he got into the shower and started to shower himself down, he'd had a long day and was quite sweaty. When he finished singing Bawitdaba he decided to sing Only God Knows Why instead so he sang that too, in his manly croon. The birds flocked from far and wide to perch on the windowsill and listen: this was something they always delighted in doing and no matter how many times Kid Rock sang in the shower, they would always come back, enchanted, for more. As they perched and listened the sun went down (it takes Kid Rock a long time to shower because he has a mighty torso which needs a lot of work) and they soon dozed off. Kid Rock took this as his cue to leave the bathroom with the knowledge of a job well done and moved to the downstairs front room in order to compose some more music in the hope of becoming an even more famous celebrity. Fame was what he craved but he was also a good man and a man who wished to help change the world for the better.
The following morning Kid Rock woke up after a beautiful dream in which he sang at a concert so big that half of the world came to and everyone clapped and cheered and the girls shouted "we love you Kid Rock" because they loved him. However, for Kid Rock this was not quite enough. Kid Rock loved the dream and thrived on the sophistication that came with his new celebrity lifestyle but he always desired a little bit more and he had new realms to conquer and make love him. For a start, he wasn't sure if anyone in Africa had heard of his music so he decided to get on a plane to Africa and go and sing to the people and provide them with his beautiful voice. His tones would carry wonderfully in Africa as there the plains were flat and deserted and there were no great towerblocks to block the wavelength of his intonations. He sang one last time to the birds outside his window who had told their friends of his departure, who told their friends, who passed on the message to yet more birds. The birds flocked in from further and wider than ever before, with even an albatross making the long trip to listen to Kid Rock's last performance before his trip to Africa. He sang and he sang and they shed tears of unhappiness that this would be the last time they would hear him sing before he returned.
He left the house after pulling on a tight fitting shirt to emphasise his abs and took one guitar and one microphone as well as a bag of clothes and money so that he could solve poverty when he got to Africa and set off for the airport. He boarded the first plane to Africa and waved goodbye to his home as the plane took off. It was a beautiful sight seeing all the birds following the plane as far as they could, in the same way one might chase a beloved one down the platform (the beloved one is on a train), but eventually they could chase no more and fell behind as the plane set off into the misty sunset. Kid Rock was in Business at first but then he encountered an orphan on the plane and he felt sorry for it so he took the orphan's place in Economy after singing Cowboy to him to cheer him up. In Economy class he could not put his feet up and barely had room to manoeuvre his bulging muscly forearms, so the sacrifice was quite a big one, relatively speaking, but a noble one nonetheless. When after many hours of travelling and more than one bag of vomit the plane touched down in Africa, Kid Rock was the first one off the plane, such was his excitement!
He kissed the ground and then sprinted off to his hotel room where he ripped off his tight fitting shirt so that the beating African sun could shine all over every inch of his torso and decided that never again would be consider wearing a shirt on African soil. He needed to find somewhere to launch his dazzling new career but also wanted to continue doing good for the people of the world and in particular the people of Africa, so that they would love him for a multitude of reasons. Kid Rock went to the local tourist office and asked them where in Africa was a good place to showcase a fantastic musical talent such as his own. At first they were sceptical about whether he was actually all that good because they had not heard of Kid Rock before, but after he sang to them his song American Bad Ass they were more than just convinced: they were his number 1 African fans. Even if they were his only African fans, they made a blood pact to always be number 1 and never let anyone else overtake them, so they gave up their jobs just like that and became his groupies. They hired a massive coach and got lots of sexy women in to provide whatever service he required.
But Kid Rock wanted more. He wanted to go and get on with his quest immediately so he only had time for a bit of time with the ladies before they were on their way to the best location for a stage in all of the country of Africa – the SAHARA DESSERT. The idea was to set up a massive stage here and then the sound would carry over every sand dune in the dessert as well as past all the oases and mirages and cacti. They arrived there pretty quickly, stopping on the way to solve poverty in several large areas by giving lots of money to the populace which meant they were no longer poor and could afford access to the proper healthcare that the evil African regime had denied them for so long because they did not have enough money. The people whooped and cheered and said that Kid Rock was the greatest ever... no... the second greatest ever.
"WHAT?" cried Kid Rock, "you mean there is one greater?" cried Kid Rock with disbelief flowing from his sweaty brow like a waterfall in late winter as the ice melts and cascades towards the precipice.
"Yes" said the villagers and townspeople "yes there is one greater, he passed here not three days hence."
"But" said Kid Rock "did I not solve your poverty?"
Yes" said the villagers and townspeople "but still, there is one greater."
"But" said Kid Rock "did I not provide you with great singing?"
Yes" said the villagers and townspeople "but still, there is one greater."
"But" said Kid Rock "did I not allow you to marvel at my mighty torso?"
Yes" said the villagers and townspeople "but still, there is one greater."
"Who is this man who must be a giant amongst men?" cried Kid Rock with his anger proportionate to his really big biceps!
"He passed here not three days hence" repeated the assorted Africans "and if you hurry you might be able to catch him for he planned to stop multiple times on his way and so you can travel faster than him and overtake him if and only if you are quick."
Kid Rock pondered this for only a second before coming to a snap conclusion – he would run like the wind in March and then catch up with this wondrous individual. He was unsure what his plan was when he found this man, but perhaps he would ask him to sing a duet or to compete with him in a sunbathing competition or maybe even ask him to go and solve poverty in Asia, a far bigger place than Africa. Then and only then would it be clear who the greater person was, and Kid Rock, whilst being far from an arrogant man was pretty sure that it was he and that he would win victorious in this challenge. He wished the townspeople of Africa a fond farewell and pushed the coach to one side – it would only hinder him now. He put on some new trainers and then ran round the village seven times for good luck before running swiftly in the direction the villagers had pointed him.
As he ran on and on he began to notice footsteps in the dessert sand, footsteps which indicated the recent presence of another presence. He followed these footsteps expertly, using the tracking skills he was now glad he had learnt as a boy. Kid Rock ran on and on and on and on, never stopping to draw breath, only slowing down very slightly to get food and eat it, and when he needed to pee he peed in the same direction as the wind, so that it flew majestically away from him rather than embarrassingly into his face. He never once stopped to check the time and the hours and days flew past as night turned into day and day into night, but still, Kid Rock never ceased, never tired, never stopped. Eventually he thought he could maybe see someone far over the horizon, further away than the eye could see, but there nevertheless. He was aware that this shadowy figure was aware of him following and so he stopped and slowed to a walking pace, but a brisk walking pace, and continued to track this great man.
He strolled on and on, never losing sight of the man on the other side of the horizon but also never quite catching him either. Eventually though, he did make up the distance enough to say "ah, I have now got to a distance from which I can shout a challenge to this man" and shout a challenge he did. "HELLO MYSTERIOUS STRANGER" Kid Rock yelled against the wind, but his words, strong and virtuous as they were, flew straight and true into the stranger's ear canal and the stranger stopped and paused and turned around before replying back "HELLO KID ROCK".
"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME" bellowed Kid Rock in reply "NO ONE IN AFRICA KNOWS MY NAME YET."
"I AM NOT AFRICAN" yelled the mysterious individual in response "I AM ENGLISH AND I HAVE HEARD OF YOUR MUSIC AND YOUR FAME."
"ENGLISH!" shouted Kid Rock, not allowing the fact that he was impressed to show in his voice particularly "I AM IMPRESSED!"
"WAIT HOLD ON JUST THERE I'LL COME TO YOU" bellowed the stranger and sure enough, true to his word, he came over to where Kid Rock was "do you recognise me" he asked in lower case this time as he no longer needed to shout.
"NO I DO NOT" said Kid Rock who had not yet adjusted to the new shorter distance between the two.
"That is because I am yet to become famous in your shores" said the stranger and unveiled himself, a tousled mop of brown hair flopping charmingly over a slightly rotund left temple "that's right, you guessed it, I'm David Mitchell" he said with a flourish of his upper lip.
Kid Rock was taken aback; he had heard tales of David Mitchell; but was not sure he existed; he thought that they were just that; tales.
However as he gazed into the brown smiling eyes of this face and looked at that nose, polite and at the same time majestic he realised something he had not felt in a long time, not in fact since he first sang alongside Twisted Brown Tucker, and even now in a different way. True love. They moved out of the beating sunlight as it was playing havoc with David Mitchell's pale skin and sat together in the shadow of a nearby oak tree. They swapped tales of why they were in Africa. Kid Rock told David Mitchell that he was there to spread his musical talent far and wide and also to help solve poverty, and David Mitchell said he was there to cheer people up with his wisecracks and also to help save the mountain gorilla. He told Kid Rock that only a week before he had passed through the same village as Kid Rock and seen the poverty and the stricken townspeople of Africa and thought to himself "these people have an awfully glum life, I must lighten up their misery slightly" and he told Kid Rock the joke he had told the townspeople and Kid Rock roared with laughter so loud that a nearby cliff face collapsed.
They got on like a house on fire, except without the smouldering wreckage and talked for many days and many nights and forgot to eat, such was their friendly friendship with one another. David Mitchell told Kid Rock about his best friend Robert Webb and Kid Rock responded with stories of his friend Twisted Brown Tucker and they made a pinky promise to visit each other when they were back in America and England, for they were to become firm friends.
They trudged out of the dessert together arm in arm and told the African villagers that there was no greater between the two of them – they were equals and would never squabble again about who was the greater man, and the Africans cheered and clapped and laid on a fine banquet so they feasted together as the sun went down one final time, before they hopped on planes back to their more civilised homes and looked forward to the day they'd meet again. Tbc.
