I watched you today. I've been watching you for a long time actually… I've watched and waited, maybe you'd come out of it on your own… but I don't see it happening… I'm getting more and more scared… as days go by.
I've been wondering if you're starting to crawl back into the hole you spent the last three years fighting to come out of.
But I see you…barely holding on. Barely holding onto the rim with a hand and thinking really hard about just letting go… 'cause maybe it wouldn't be that bad…. But, Sam, remember last time. How hard it was for you to give it up… and I want to run to you and I want to haul you out and hold you and tell you you're not as alone as you feel.
But I don't.
I stand back and wait. And watch some more. I see what you eat and how you eat it. I watch for fear in your eyes… I search for signs.
CJ found me tonight, leaning against the window watching you have dinner. You wanted to eat, I know.
But you sat there, watching the food and I saw you calculating how many calories and just how bad it would be for you… I watched you pick up the fork and I almost smiled and was able to breath again… but then you stood up and used the fork to throw the food into the garbage. And I got sad.
"He's back in it, isn't he?" CJ asked with the same sadness in her voice as the one she had the day she begged you to stop.
"Yes he is" I said in the smallest voice I had, the same voce I used to tell Leo you had a problem. The same voice I used when I asked you how long…
And then, you looked up and saw us. And in your eyes, was the same fear and tiredness I had seen so many years ago. The same fear I hoped I'd never see again. The same tiredness that came from too little food for too long.
And then you shook your head. And I shook mine too. And you knew. And I knew too… we were back at ground zero.
