Sometimes I find myself pondering the things that have happened over the last few years that has brought me to this point in my life. A small smile plays on my lips as I watch my family and closest friends gathered in the backyard, celebrating my youngest graduating from college today. A small tear wells in my eye as I think of all the changes and challenges my girls have been through since that fateful day back in early 2020, the event that rocked us all to the core, but also brought us to the place we are now. I close my eyes, letting out a deep sigh. As the tear begins to roll down my cheek, I feel a chilly finger quickly, but lightly, wipe it away. My smile widens just a bit as I open my eyes, his face just inches from mine.
"I should have known," I say quietly. His eyes, searching mine, brighten a bit as he places his forehead to mine. "Yes, you should have. I know you, I know your thoughts will linger on the accident as we go through another milestone." I look down, feeling happy, sad, ashamed and irritated all at once. I close my eyes tight as thoughts of betrayal enter my mind, another tear escaping my eyes. I feel him take both my hands into his own. "My darling woman, do you think I don't know that war that is raging inside your head right now?" Guilt creeps in, guilt for loving another, guilt for letting myself feel guilty for that love. I feel a hand move from mine to my chin, lifting it ever so slightly and again wiping the tear from my cheek. "It's alright. Come, let's join the others. We'll talk this out tonight." I open my eyes to find the most patient face, the face that literally carried me through the hardships of the last ten years and reminds me every day to live. Not just to live, but that I am allowed to live, to be happy, to be loved. Taking I deep breath, I let him pull me toward our family.
"Leigh, Yoon-Gi-hyung," we hear Jimin say as we get closer. "Am I allowed to take Rose-ya to the noraebang after the gathering?" I watch as Jimin's eyes get wide with excitement and Rose trying to hide her longing to go. At the sound of noraebang, I see Jungkook's head whip around and hear my sister sigh. "Norabang, Jimin-ssi? Really? Were you not going to invite Marie and I to join you? What about Taehyung and Sidda?" Yoon-Gi smiles at them both. I snicker as Tae walks up to Jimin, fake tears welling in his eyes. "I see how it is, Kook and I get married and now we are not allowed to do norabang with you anymore? Is that how it is, hyung?" Jimin's face falls just a bit and is about to answer when Yoon-Gi steps in,
"Jimin, did you ask Rose if she wanted to go anywhere tonight? It's been a long day…" All eyes turn to my youngest daughter, this gathering to celebrate her graduating from Seoul National University. As expected, she quickly looks down and says quietly, "Yoon-Gi, Momma, I would love to spend time with Jimin. We've all been so busy, and I've really missed my…. brother." Jimin's eyes light up at the word brother, and I see Yoon-Gi's face soften.
"Then I guess she can go, as long as her mother says it's ok." I laugh. "Yoon-Gi, my child is 22 years old. Of course, she can go. All I ask is you keep her safe." Jimin and Rose exchange a smile. I am so grateful for the bond they share, that he was able to calm her fears as a child.…when I couldn't. Jungkook and Tae are quickly talking their spouses into joining them for a night out.
"Tae, I don't know. I haven't been feeling well," Sidda says sadly. "You go have fun, I think I'll just take a rest here at Mom's for awhile, then we can head home later." My eyebrows furrow as I look at my oldest daughter…. she must have felt my eyes on her because her eyes snap into mine. "I'm fine, Mom. Probably just overworked honestly. The international students are a tough batch this year." I let the matter drop for the moment, but they were only a few months out from their wedding…
We all settle into the dinner Yoon-Gi, Seok-jin and I prepared. I lose myself in conversations with my friends and family who made the trip from the states, them updating me on all the different things going on back in the place of my birth. I cannot call it home anymore, since home has been here for such a long time. Throughout dinner, when I find my thoughts wondering, I feel the smallest bit of pressure in my hand or on my shoulder. The feeling of these touches is so familiar that I don't even need to check to see who is doing it. After 5 years of marriage and 10 years of being such a wonderful friend, you get used to the presence.
As the night winds down, people start to leave, either to their homes in Seoul or to their hotels rooms for those who traveled from out of town. Yoon-Gi and I stand together close to the outside bar so not to miss anyone who leaves. As we are standing there, I feel the gaze of Nam-joon, Seok-Jin and Ho-Seok. They know just as well as Yoon-Gi how much days like this get to me. They are sitting close together talking with Mary, my children's grandmother from their father's side. I am so grateful for the pressure of Yoon-Gi's hand in mine as we stand shoulder to shoulder.
"Well," Nam-joon says, stretching and coming to stand with Yoon-Gi and I. "I need to get home. Sonna was about to nap with the twins when I called her prior to dinner, but I'd like to be there to help when they all wake." He hugs Yoon-Gi and moves to look at me. He gets that look in his eyes, the one where he knows I am on the edge. Having such a face reader as a best friend really makes hiding my true feelings extremely difficult. He pulls me into a tight hug, awkwardly, as Yoon-Gi will not let go of my hand, and whispers in my ear, "Don't do this to yourself. You deserve to be happy. Kayden would have wanted this for you and your girls." I gulp as he pulls away, looking down ad my hand intertwined with Yoon-Gi's. I see Nam-joon shoot Yoon-Gi a meaningful glance. I feel he'll be messaging Yoon-Gi in a few hours to be sure everything is ok. "I love you both." He turns to say goodbye to everyone else and quickly dips out the back gate.
Yoon-Gi loosens his grip on my hand a bit, so I take advantage to quickly pull away and start clearing the dishes to be washed. As soon as I do, Ho-Seok comes to my side. "This was a wonderful dinner, my friend. Thank you for always including me in your family gatherings." I smile as he starts to help me pile the dishes. "You are my family, Hobi. You are my sunshine," I say. "How is Yu-ri and your children? Are they having fun in the Philippines?" We walk the first round of dishes inside to the counter next to the sink. "Oh, they are doing fine. I spoke with them right before the ceremony. They were going to have dinner and try to turn in early, so they can explore more tomorrow." As we walk out to gather more dishes, we see everyone else who is still here has started to help clear up as well. "When do you leave to meet with them? You will be gone, what, two weeks?" Yoon-Gi then scares me with a back hug, but refuses to let go as Hobi answers, a huge smile across his beautiful face, "I leave at 8 in the morning. Yes, two weeks we are spending there. I have Jimin and Jin checking the house while I am gone. I thought about asking Nam-joon, but I fear everything will be broken." I feel silent laughter at my back and lean my head back into Yoon-Gi's chest, letting my eyes close and my heart fly for just a minute.
He knows what he is doing, of course. He knows that is the best way to calm my heart, my nerves, my pain. I sigh, turning to hug him properly, and say, "Yoon-Gi, come on, let's help clean up and kick everyone out. I'm tired." He buries his head into my hair and says, "Let them clean it up. Let's go for a walk. You know they will not mind, considering how much you do for them all." He doesn't let me answer, but instead clears his throat. Everyone stops what they around doing and looks around to us. "Leigh and I are going to go on a walk, if that is ok with everyone?" I look around and see everyone smiling. We are greeted with many, "Of course, we'll clean up." "You guys cooked, we'll clean it up." "Go, get some air." There is one comment from Jungkook, "I see how it is, Min Yoon-Gi, anything to get out of cleaning." Yoon-Gi just flips him off and they exchange a smile.
As Yoon-Gi pulls me to the back gate, I turn to see my three girls coming up to me. Sidda hugs me and says, "Momma, go clear your head. It's been a long day." Nova smiles and ducks under Sidda's arm to join in the hug, "Yea, Mom. Though, I don't know who we're kidding, Mom will never let people take care of her. She's steel." Rose, the youngest, works her way into the hug and says, "Thank you, Momma. This was the best day. Just, thank you, for everything." I hug them with all that I have and kiss each of their cheeks, the only part of their faces I can reach since they all out grew me when they reached high school. I start to let go, tears falling silently, when they all tighten their grip. "Momma," Sidda says in a serious tone. "Daddy would have been so proud of us all. Please try to remember to think of him fondly, not sadly. We all miss him." I nod, and they let me go. "We love you, Momma!" they yell. At that point, everyone starts joining in.
I smile as Yoon-Gi waves his hand, "Shush everyone, we have neighbors, you know!" They all laugh as I am pulled from the yard. We walk, Yoon-Gi matching his pace to mine, I am embarrassed for being upset and, once again, feeling guilty for the mess this man has been helping me clean-up for the last ten years.
