He regretted it. He had read the rules, he knew the consequences. He did it anyway.
It wasn't the biggest regret in his life but it was certainly the one with the worst consequences.
Or was it?
The human who uses the notebook can neither go to Heaven nor Hell.
He had told himself that he had to do it. That if he didn't, Kira would end up killing them all. That he wasn't doing it just for revenge against Ne – against him. That it was worth risking his own soul, as long as he ends justified the means.
And yet, if he had to relive it, he wouldn't make the same decisions.
He knew he couldn't be the only one that felt this way. That there had been others, many others actually, that had used a Death Note in the past. He knew that they were in the same endless torment as he was. The endless blackness, the silence that echoed throughout his being was enough to make anyone regret the choices they made.
It wasn't the only choice he regretted.
There were so many he didn't even know where he would start. Maybe he never should have run away all those years ago? But if he hadn't, he would still be in that hell hole he had called a home with his abusive parents and he never would have met L. Maybe he should have relaxed a bit instead of pushing himself so hard at Wammy's? But then he wouldn't have had a goal to work towards. Who knows where he would have ended up if he had just slacked off like so many of the others had done. Maybe he should have tried to get closer to other people, let others in so he had more people to fall back on when needed? He had Matt, Matt, but he had always pushed the others away, thinking they weren't smart enough, weren't worthy, of being his friend.
Or, in one specific case, they were too smart.
No, he had bullied him whenever he had the chance. Fought him at every turn. Hell, he had joined the Mafia to try and one up him. And what had it gotten him in the end?
He had blown himself up, destroying his once perfect looks. Matt, the one person that had stood by him through everything, was dead. Shot multiple times while following the stupid plan Mello had come up with. And Mello himself had died of a heart attack while following the same plan.
He only hoped that in the end he had been of some sort of help. That the plan had worked and he had been able to stop Kira. To do the one thing their mentor had failed to do. That Mello had failed to do.
If he hadn't left Wammy's, if he had taken the other option, how would things have been different? Would they have still worked out the same, with the two of them trying to constantly beat the other? Or would they have found a way to work together, to live together, as equals? Would such a thing have even been possible?
He would never know. Not now. It was too late.
In truth, he wasn't sure he would have been able to work with someone else besides Matt. He was too stubborn. He couldn't see himself even trying to get along with…with him back then. They had too much history between them at that point. Too much bad blood. Maybe if he had made an attempt earlier. Maybe if he had tried to befriend him instead of throwing him to the ground in fits of anger. Maybe many things would have been different if that had happened.
Yeah, that was the turning point. The major point where his life had veered and he ended up here.
And that was the last thought that went through Mello's head before, for the first time in what felt like hundreds of years, he saw a bright light. And then he knew nothing.
