Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too

by princess 454

Summary:

Ronald Weasley experiences the drama, temptations, and dangers of online dating.

--

"If I die and go to hell real soon,
it will appear to me as this room.
And for eternity I'd lay in bed
in my boxers, half stoned,
with the pillow under my head.

I'd be chatting on the interweb;
maggots pray upon the living dead.
I had no interest in the things she said.
On the phone, every day,
I'll permanently hit the hay.
"

- Say Anything, "Wow I Can Get Sexual Too"

--

As Ron descended downstairs to the kitchen, the freshly made smell of waffles confronted him rather strongly and suggestively. He never knew he could be this hungry. He found his house to be abnormally quiet and unusually empty considering how many people lived there.

"Mum? Where's everyone?" Ron asked his mother, who was preparing the breakfast.

"Your father's gone to work to pick up something and your brothers have left to Diagon Alley," She replied without turning around.

"Work?" Ron wondered as he took a seat and tried to concentrate on something else but the smell of food, "but I thought he was off today?"

"Like I said, he went to pick something up! Now, hush and eat." Mrs. Weasley flicked her wand towards Ron and the heavenly waffles floated over to him. He sighed gratefully and dug in.

While chewing, Ron looked out through one of the kitchen windows. It was a lovely summer day. He felt bad that he had nothing planned, unlike the rest of his family.

Perhaps I should write to Harry? Ron wondered. I'd like to know what the mate's been up too. But, as Ron stabbed his last piece of waffle with his fork and placed it in his mouth, he remembered that Harry would most likely not be able to hang out. During the summer, he was always forced to stay at his aunt's and uncle's.

Hermione then, Ron decided. He grinned without realizing it. Laughing inside, he tried to picture a day hanging out with only Hermione. Without Harry to keep the peace, they'd surely get in a heated argument so soon, Harry would be lucky if both of them made it to Hogwarts next year in one piece.

Holding his head in his hands, Ron pictured Hermione and him doing other things; perhaps they'd go against Ginny in a small game of Quidditch? No, Hermione doesn't like the game very much, she barely even understands it. Besides, three people wouldn't work, Ron thought. They could fly elsewhere, maybe to a beach or a lake. Go to Diagon Alley and get some early school shopping done?

"Ron! Put the plates away. Don't just sit there expecting me to clean up after you," His mother scolded, waking him up from his thoughts.

As Ron got up and started to clean, he shook his head. Shopping? He cried incredulously in his mind. Why in my right mind would I want to go shopping?

An annoying voice he usually decided not to listen to piped up, because you'd do anything just to spend time with her.

"Would not!" Ron muttered under his breath.

"Ron! Stop talking to yourself and go clean your room!"

Sighing in frustration, Ron jogged up the stairs and entered his room. He hated doing chores, especially when he could be doing other things. But, then again, he really didn't have anything planned. Before getting to work though, he found a piece of parchment and slammed it on his desk.

After fetching a quill, he sat down and tried his best to wipe away all the crumbs and random stains from the paper before getting to work. He would write Hermione a letter and at least find out what she's doing. Perhaps, maybe even hopefully, he wondered whether she could visit.

After finishing his letter and sending the family owl to Hermione, he tried his best to clean his room. It was physically impossible. After a few hours, with this stomach grumbling again, he decided to give up and made his way downstairs.

Fred and George were back, as well as Ron's dad Arthur, who was talking excitedly about something hidden beneath a cloth on the table.

"Wonderful! Simply an amazing invention. The best Muggles have created yet, the ministry reckons!" He was saying.

Fred and George were both looking doubtful. Mrs. Weasley was looking rather scared. "But Arthur," She started, worried, "how did you come across to acquiring one?"

"Someone being disguised as a Muggle had to confront this object and had no idea how to use it. Since this delayed their job, for future reference, the department decided I should research it and find out how to work it," Arthur explained.

"I've never seen anything like it. Do you really think you could figure out how to use it, Dad?" George put in, sneaking a peek under the cloth.

"Lemme see what the ruckus is about!" Ron had been standing at the foot of the stairs, watching and listening, and could not take it any longer. He wanted to see for himself what this mysterious new object from the Muggle world was.

"Of course! But Son, be careful! It is valuable to my research and the department's depending on me!" Arthur warned. Then, with a flourish, he whisked away the cloth and the object was no longer hidden.

Ron raised an eyebrow and examined it closely. It was a light greyish color; resembled a box, but one side of the square-ish "head" was made of black glass. There were buttons along the bottom of the square side with the black glass.

"What's this?" Ron wondered, picking up something that had been lying beneath the square object. It was a little more than a foot long, rectangular, and had a huge number of protruding buttons. Most of the buttons had letters, or numbers; some had weird symbols or words. Some of the words weren't even words, but what Ron took as terms only Muggles understood.

"That, Ron, is a 'keyboard'," Arthur explained wisely.

"A what?" Ron blurted, setting it down. "What does it do? Better yet, what is this thing called?" Ron then pointed to the square thing.

"That's the monitor. The monitor and the keyboard make up the whole thing, which is called a 'computer'. Research already done states that this is a very powerful machine. Muggles use it for almost everything!"

"Does it make food or do your homework for you?" Fred inquired curiously.

"Not sure about the food, but in some cases, the homework thing is correct," Arthur replied.

"Wicked!" Fred and George agreed in unison.

"Not so fast. Obviously it doesn't do Wizarding homework, but Muggle homework." Fred and George scowled.

"Dad, do you think you could make it work now?" Ron wondered.

"Well, let's see. Some of the wizards back in the department told me how to do a few things. Here," Arthur lunged forward and pulled a long chord from a bag. He attached this chord to the 'monitor', attached another to the 'keyboard', and then attached yet another to an electricity outlet he also seemed to have.

"Remember, Muggles need electricity to make basically everything work," Arthur explained while he did all this. He pushed a big button on another object Ron hadn't noticed earlier; it was a big thing with a button and a small slit opening. When questioned, Arthur explained it was called the 'computer tower'.

"Here we go! Watch closely now!" Arthur cried excitedly as the black glass flicked on like what Muggles have called "televisions".

Indeed, like televisions, the black glass turned out to be a screen and was playing very random things. Ron had no idea what it was doing or what was going on. I should have paid more attention during Muggle Studies, he thought miserably.

--

Ron lay on his bed, wearing only a pair of faded boxers that Auntie Muriel had sent him birthdays ago and which slightly smelled of roast beef. In his hands was Hermione's letter, the one replying to the letter he had sent a few days ago.

Groaning after he finished reading, Ron closed his eyes for a few moments. He let his arm fall down on the bed, the letter getting slightly crushed from the rapid motion. Hermione had basically informed him that she couldn't hang out at the moment, maybe during the later days of summer, but definitely not now. Her parents were making her stay with them as they perused the country in the act of visiting relatives, going to weddings, attending parties, and the like.

This sucks quite a few bludgers, Ron thought miserably. None of his friends could see him during the summer. What kind of a summer, then, was this? How come he wasn't off visiting relatives, going on vacation, or doing anything normal? No. Ron Weasley had to be stuck at home.

Doing nothing.

As his eyes scanned the ceiling of his room, without actually seeing it, he tried to think of something he could do. All of a sudden the Muggle thing his dad brought from work popped in his mind. The 'computer'. It was downstairs, sitting in the dark, alone...

How cool would it be if I figured out how to use it? Ron wondered, an idea forming gradually in his head. Jumping from the bed in an act only common when the person was inspired by mad thoughts, Ron already started jogging out of his room and down the stairs; still in his boxers, but once again, an act done only by those raving with some mad idea and who couldn't care less at the moment.

The kitchen was dark and Ron had forgotten his wand. Flicking the lights on using the Muggle switch (something they had in case of emergencies, such as this) the room alighted at once and there it was: the computer. It was completely untouched, having been left there by Ron's dad and forgotten ever since. Not that anybody actually forgot, but Arthur hadn't had time yet to research it properly.

I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind if I helped him with work, Ron thought as he walked over to the computer. This is something a truly good son would do.

He went over and tried to lift the monitor. It was quite heavy and he had not expected it to be; he almost dropped it. However, he got a better grip on the thing and slowly made his way back up the stairs to his room, trying not to make noise and wake up someone.

Once the monitor was on his desk, he went back downstairs to fetch the other things needed. Once he had everything, he stood facing the assembly of items on his desk while panting slightly from the effort of carrying that last one, the 'tower', up the stairs.

"Now, how do I turn you on?" Ron wondered aloud, and realizing what he said, he chuckled. Reaching into his dad's bag, he found a small booklet he thought was probably helpful. Sitting at the desk, he began to read. At first it was hard, since some of the words he's never heard of before. He remembered what his dad did to at least get the monitor screen to flicker on, and proceeded to do so.

Once that was done with, he looked at a picture in the book: the monitor was on a desk, just like his, the 'keyboard' was under and slightly in front of it, and the 'tower' was next to the whole arrangement. Ron positioned everything like the picture.

Once it looked just like in the book, Ron figured the rest would be easy. He shifted on his seat and faced the monitor, reading whatever popped up on the screen. There were some instructions.

"'Hover your mouse over the icon to open the program'," Ron read. The mouse? Ron had no idea what that meant. Did Muggles use actual mice to work these things?

He turned to the booklet for help. There was a picture of a small object with a little wheel at the front. Someone, Ron guessed his dad, had circled the picture of the object with ink and scribbled in hastily "mouse".

"If that's the mouse, where is it?" Ron wondered, and dug deeper in the bag. He found it and proceeded to place it in the places the book told him too. At least that mouse part was easy, Ron thought. He used the mouse, placing his hands on it just like someone's hand on the book was doing. Pressing his finger down by accident, he saw that there were flat buttons on the mouse. A small white arrow on the screen that moved whenever the 'mouse' moved highlighted a little picture on the screen. Something then popped up; Ron jumped.

"Wicked!" Ron exclaimed, as something else popped up when he did the same act but clicking on a different little picture. He pressed the mouse button on the thing that popped up. Ron found out that if he pressed on the button and held it, he could drag the thing around the screen super fast or super slow. The little white arrow moved whenever the mouse moved, and the mouse only moved when Ron moved it. He found himself liking the control.

Ron's eyes darted to the bottom of the screen, where he noticed it stated the time in numbers. "It's that late?" Ron wondered aloud to himself; he yawned, and realized he was indeed tired. Having set up most of the 'computer', Ron thought this would do for today. Tomorrow he would continue.

As he crawled into bed, he decided to read the little booklet before sleeping. Perhaps he'd understand more things if he did, and he could finish it faster tomorrow.

And so Ron read on his bed, an act he rarely did but since it had nothing to do with school he seemed not to notice. He only thought about how he would probably end up learning about this great Muggle object more than his dad, this object that Arthur claimed was 'one of the best things Muggles have created yet'.

Ron smiled to himself and read on, his mind excited to find out soon what was so great about it.

--

A/N: First chapter up! I came up with this idea during work on my break. I had "Wow I Can Get Sexual Too" stuck in my head and for some reason I ended up thinking how funny it would be if the Harry Potter characters suddenly found out about computers and MySpace. Not that this story is going to have anything to do with MySpace, but it did seem funny to me so I decided to go with the idea and write it, at least about the computers anyway. This was going to be a one shot but I never really can manage those, it seems they're too "short" for me to get my full idea across. So there will be more chapters and I hope you do review so they get written faster : )