The secret Diaries of Eragon
Eragon—
Day one
Am now fifteen. Yay Me! V. pleased about midnight hunting trip, although uncle is a bit too eager to go. Am V. reluctant on letting him, after seeing him nance about the living room like a ponce. Bloody relatives.
Later
Am V. glad uncle did not come. He groped me on the way out, and then nanced back into the living room. Bloody Ponce. Hunting trip failed, as could not catch anything. Nobody said you had to be pretty and work. Found V. nice rock, though. Can't eat it, but am sure can get cousin/brother to try. He is, after all, an idiot.
Day Two
Brother/Cousin is leaving. Said something about finding work in another town before the royal ponces come for him. Uncle is V. sad. But still will not stop nancing about, and groping me at night. V. Unsettling. Have tried to sell rock to sweaty fat butcher. When information about origin is given, am told to shove it up my arse. Lord knows more uncomfortable things have been up there. Have been having dreams about hippie-elf-chick. Has no one told her that suede is not for travel? Bloody swot. Am also extremely intrigued by smelly old man in town. Am sure if he washes he could be mildly attractive.
Day Three.
Apparently V. Nice rock was an egg. Flying Lizard came out. Perhaps could set it to guard my room, so nancing uncle does not come in to bother me. (Really, once was more than enough, thank you.) Now have dashing scar on left hand. Dragon decided that it would look dandy. Dragon is now biting diary. Bloody lizard.
Day Four
Have spotted creepy bug-men in town. Must tell onetruelove smelly old man that they might attack. Sneaking into hut is dangerous. Do it anyway for kicks. Man grabs me and tells me that I am a Dragon rider. Mostly all can concentrate on are deliciously chapped lips. Note: Get man some cherry scented chap-stick. It does wonders.
Day Five
Dragon has matured. Is now bigger than house, so she must stay in the forest. Have a creepy feeling that she watches me at night. Man ((whose name I am V. pleased to note is Brom)) has been staying away since our rendezvous. Fear that Dragon might kill him if he tries anything. Went out to see dragon, and was temporarily kidnapped. Have a feeling it was because Brom and nancing uncle were fighting about who got to play sheath the sword with me on their team. ((What is sheath the sword anyway?)) Dragon dropped me off at house after I threatened suicide. Being emo has its perks. House has burnt down. Heard that crying is temporarily in and suede is out; so I had a good cry over him. ((though the nancing has stopped…)) Brom came, and I could mentally hear dragon berating him, but didn't care. He got me a pony!
Day six
Am slightly mad at Brom, has made me ride a V. long way without my routine manicures. Slightly miffed. After much nancing, he asks to see my dragon. He looked V. disappointed when Saphira showed up. Wonder why? Saphira V. angry with Brom. Says the creepy pedophile won't take her Eragon away. Why is everyone being such a ponce today?
Day Seven
As Saphira cannot breathe fire yet, she is forced to sit as Brom and I speeddate train. ((He promised to do my toes later if I trained with him. He also told me that leather makes my hindquarters look big. Asked Saphira. She disagreed.))
Day Eight
Have gone into a creepy town. Met fortuneteller who told me about my destiny. It was far too vague. Was then attacked by Lord of The Rings rip-off service men. Were not V. pretty, or polite. Performed magic. Go me! Blacked out. Came to, and trousers were done wrong. Whats up with that?
Day Ten
Am still having dreams about Hippie Elf Chick. Have repeatedly told her that suede makes her skin look V. blotchy. She disagrees. Also mentioned that her hair was looking limp. She said she was in captivity. Captivity is no excuse for limp hair. Am now learning to fly Saphira, who is now even angrier with Brom. He smiles charmingly. Saphira is V. fast. Perform more magic. Was attacked by Creepy Bug men. Informed of plot on my life. And of Mission to the Varden. I wonder if they'll think leather makes my butt look large…
Day Eleven
Am secretly going to smuggle Hippie elf Chick some magazines. Saphira agrees that her fashion sense is awful. Then begins playing with my belt loop via tail. She's been doing that a lot lately… Is also V. glad to leave Brom behind. Am sad. Though shall see him soon. Left him a pressie of chap-stick. Hope he likes it.
Day Fourteen
Am sorely irritated. loveofmylife Brom was killed by a spear aimed for me. Though am V. glad to be alive, am still quite sore about my older love dying. Saphira gave in and gave him a little ride to help him along. Hippie Elf Chick is sulking about the loss of her suede. Leather looks much better. During our amazing Cosmopolitan discussion, slimy-evil-man nances in, and decides to attack. ((this is where my darling Brom takes the spear.)) Some other dark haired boy helped us. He might be prettier than me if he washes his hair. Damn.
Day Twenty
Haven't had any time to write. V. Sorry. Arrived at the Varden. They fussed over Hippie Elf Chick more than me. Was V. miffed. Dark haired boy decided to come with us, and was imprisoned; felt a little bad for him, though he is rather attractive. Dragon might kill him if he tries anything. ((Though now he can't wash his hair.)) Being the prettiest feels good. Hippie elf chick overly decked out in black armor and feathers. Didn't say anything, because she had a V. sharp sword on hand. Am told something about leading a battle against the forces of darkness. Bloody ponces.
Day twenty Two
Have successfully defeated forces of darkness, lead by slimy-evil man. He nanced about on top of his shadow creature, and then told me that my but looked rather large in leather. He died quite soon. ((although the Varden told me it looked tight and fabulous. Or maybe that was the champagne and bubble bath….)) Thought dragon was dead for a while. Nearly gave life-force to bring her back. It was V. manly and dramatic. Was then nursed back to health by my Dark Haired boy. Found out that dragon was alive. Definitely know that dragon will kill him if he tries anything.
Damn.
