OPENING NOTES!
Here we go again, guys. Keeping with my tradition, I have a few things I need to point out.
1) Though the plot follows the 'Breaking Dawn' story line, I don't own anything Twilight related. Unfortunately. You know that by now, I'm sure. The only things I do claim to own are my own characters, or those you don't recognize from SM's work. It's her world. My characters just play there.
2) All my characters are entirely fictional, meaning that whatever they do to each other is completely fictional as well. I have to stress that.
3) I'm rating this story 'M', meaning there's a good chance that the content will include stuff that people under 'M' shouldn't be reading. Proceed at your own risk. I do my best to stick to the guidelines provided by this site. Just be thankful those guidelines are there lol
I think that about covers anything. As always, I appreciate each and every review I get. I'd love to read your thoughts! :)
Enjoy!
Chapter One
I was stealthy. Nobody would hear me up. Nobody would know-
"Shorty, get back into bed."
Damn.
Instead of following Emmett's suggestion, I left my room. As nervous as I was, I felt better being out of there. I put on my best pout as I stopped in the hallway, hoping I'd get my way again tonight. I wasn't sure why I ever doubted.
Looking my way from their various seating positions, were Emmett, Esme and Carlisle.
"Again, shorty?" Emmett asked, and I could only give him a sheepish, apologetic nod.
"Please?" I asked, biting my lip. He sighed, and patted the empty couch cushion between him and Carlisle. I sighed in relief and wasted no time in crossing the room.
"Like clockwork." He pointed out as I settled onto the couch, laying down and curling into a tiny ball. My head beside Emmett's leg, my feet beside Carlisle's. Taking the couch pillow Emmett offered and the blanket draped over the back of the couch as he dropped it on me. "Go to sleep, shorty." Taking his advice, my eyes closed. I didn't miss his glance to Carlisle before I did.
It'd been this way for two weeks now. It was a very rough phase I was stuck in now, ever since Jack's undeniably fatal "car accident". I was never given any details, but I didn't ask. All I knew was that there was no way anyone would survive something like that.
Since that night, I couldn't spend much time in my room.
My skin still crawled, despite how my bruises had healed faster than I thought they would. Physically I was perfectly fine, but mentally was a whole different story. Because of the way Jack's visit had ended, I was never allowed to tell anyone about what happened that day. It was a secret I knew I was capable of keeping, but because of that, I hadn't been allowed to see any of my friends. Until I healed, I couldn't see anyone unless I wanted to explain where the marks and bruises came from.
Heather had been by, though. To see me, and to assure us that she wouldn't say anything. It didn't take a genius to figure out what happened after Emmett dragged Jack out of my room, and Heather was plenty smart enough to figure it out. She knew it wasn't a car accident that took his life, but she'd given her statement to the police about her brief stay in the hospital. Saying it'd only been her here to see me.
I didn't know how that talk went with Mark, her husband, but she seemed okay when I saw her. Aside from a nasty bruise down the side of her face, she was okay.
I was never questioned. After the evidence Richard, Andrew's dad, had submitted, they were pretty hesitant to bother me with it. If Richard was suspicious, he never pressed much harder than asking my family a few questions. He was probably just as relieved as everyone else to be rid of him, so he took the story at face value.
Car accident. Case closed.
Every night since that day, though, I had my own problems. I'd attempt to sleep in my room, but it never failed. A nightmare, a memory would wake me up before I was asleep thirty minutes.
Ever since Jack had been here, I hated being in there. Even with the door open, even with the light on. The bed had been replaced and moved. The bedding thrown out, and replaced as well. That didn't matter.
Even being allowed to fall asleep on the couch, and being moved back to my room didn't work. Even if I didn't wake at being lifted from the couch, I'd wake ten minutes after being settled back in bed, and it'd start all over again. The feel was the same. I knew that much.
The subject of sleep medication had been brought up, and yet again, I refused. No matter how hard the days were or how tired I was, I refused. Accepting it would take a whole lot of trust I was still afraid to give, and I also knew it would just make everything worse.
Because of this new phase I'd fallen into, I just didn't have the energy or focus I needed to even think about talking about my gift, or what everyone else thought about it. I needed to come to terms with it myself first, but it was so hard to do that.
I had a feeling that this gift of mine had a lot to do with my sleeplessness as well. I still remember how scared I was when what I'd dreamed about had actually happened. That realization was scary in itself. There was no way to describe it, but I never talked about it. I didn't want to.
Nothing they tried had helped.
Unable to get sleep in my own room, I'd make my way out into the living room, and sleep on the couch. Often too exhausted to care how loud they were, which wasn't loud at all. They hardly made any noise.
Carlisle didn't like the idea of me being out here. He said it was because that no matter how quiet they were, I was such a light sleeper, I'd stir at the slightest movement or sound. Even if they were completely silent, I'd still somehow sense the movement in the room.
Sometimes they could get away with it, but it was anyone's guess when I'd hear them. I wouldn't get the rest I needed. I denied it, because I never remembered being woken up, but the evidence didn't lie. The dark circles under my eyes, and my constant exhaustion proved that he was right.
Every one of the other bedrooms had been offered to me, but I wasn't comfortable accepting them. Those were their rooms. Their place to go to get away from my scent. I avoided going into their rooms at all costs, just for that very reason. Them disappearing into their rooms didn't help, we quickly learned, as I found it difficult to fall and stay asleep with the living room empty.
The only way I could get any sleep at all, was around my family. Right here. On the couch.
It bothered me that I had to come out here. It did. I felt so stupid. I felt stupid because here I was, only a week away from turning eleven years old, and I couldn't even sleep in my own bed, but it didn't change the fact that I did. I had to come out here. There was no other choice for me now.
And I felt so guilty for disturbing their nighttime routine. They assured me the only thing that bothered them was that they'd wake me, but that didn't help. I didn't believe them. I knew that part of them wished I'd just stay in bed. Whether for my own health, or so they didn't have to be so careful.
I was told that after Edward and Bella got married, and he moved out, I'd get his room, but that was still a month away. And even then, I'd be alone. There was no guarantee that just moving into another room would be any help at all.
I wasn't sure how much more of this new routine I could take before I would crack.
Jack was gone now, for good this time, yet I still didn't feel safe. In the place I felt safest, I didn't feel safe, because to me, it didn't feel like he was gone. I still saw him every time I closed my eyes. I tried not to think too much about that, to avoid upsetting myself any more. Though I was almost too tired to cry, I didn't want to risk it.
I woke the next morning as I always did. Stretched out instead of in the small, neat ball I'd been in when I fell asleep. Hair a mess, but still exhausted. The only good part of all of it, was the fact that I hadn't slept deep enough to dream in days. Although I knew that wasn't a good thing, it was a good thing to me.
I curled back up on my side, snoozing as I clearly heard Esme getting breakfast ready. That was normal now. Too-tired-to-move was my normal mode.
I worried, though. I worried that soon, I'd be pressured again to take that stupid sleep medication. It was a constant worry, but again. Besides forcing me or tricking me into taking it, there was very little they could do. I was adamant about that.
Hiding my face from the morning daylight pouring in through the windows, I was still awake enough to feel someone sit down on the free end of the couch. I picked my head up enough to look at Alice before I laid back down.
Alice had been one of the most worried about me lately. She'd been hovering for days, and I knew her well enough to know she was going to say something soon. I was preparing myself for that. I knew what she was thinking, and she wouldn't be entirely wrong. I wasn't exactly fighting this gift, but I wasn't helping it either.
"Leandra." She finally did speak. I only hummed in response.
"Leandra." I was surprised at Carlisle's voice from the chair. I really thought it had only been Alice. I knew they wanted me to sit up, so I took a second to stretch before I did so. Sitting up was almost a chore.
"This has to stop." Alice spoke before Carlisle could.
I sighed, covering my face with my hands. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"You need to." Alice reached over and pulled my hands away. "Leandra, why are you so against your room now?"
Did they really not understand? Did I really have to say it? I gave her a flat look.
"Is it the memory of what happened?" She asked anyway. I shrugged a little, looking down. That was a huge part of it. She obviously waited for an answer, so I whined and leaned forward.
"You don't talk about what happened." Carlisle pointed out gently. "There is a lot about that day that we don't know."
"I don't talk about it because I'm trying to forget it." I mumbled toward the floor. "I'm trying to get over it."
"Because that's working so well for you." Alice murmured. My eyes burned in tiredness as I looked over at her.
"What I mean is, we don't know how long he was here with you before Heather arrived." Carlisle explained. "Obviously, there are some concerns."
I frowned. What more would they have to worry about?
"He wasn't here that long before her." I mumbled. "He was about to leave when she showed up."
"How long is not that long?" Alice asked.
"Why?" I frowned even more. There was something I was missing. Why couldn't they just come out and ask what they meant? They waited, so I sighed. "Like.. Twenty minutes. Maybe."
"Did anything happen that we should know about?" Alice asked. I wasn't sure I liked this line of questioning. Mainly because I wasn't catching on. I didn't like not knowing their angle. "There has to be more of a reason why you're so against spending much time in your bedroom. You've never been like this before."
"He's never been in my room before." I pointed out, breathing through a yawn.
"What we're concerned about is what he might have done to you while alone with you." Carlisle finally explained. "A lot can happen in twenty minutes."
I understood, immediately looking down.
"I told you already." I mumbled, keeping my eyes down.
"You have." Carlisle agreed. "But we also know better than anyone your tendency to down-play or downright deny anything you think you can handle yourself."
Dammit.
"You were terrified when Heather showed up." Alice went on, explaining her side. "He told her that he left you alive, and considering the condition and the position you were in when we found you, it's a real worry."
"We didn't even go into my room until Heather showed up." I almost snapped. I stood up. "I don't wanna talk about this."
I walked away.
"Leandra." Alice followed me toward the kitchen. "Please. Be truthful."
"I am." I replied, finding my usual seat at the counter for breakfast. Esme looked over from where she stood finishing up the eggs.
Edward must not have been around enough to get an answer for them either way. I knew he'd never tell them what exactly was in my mind. I trusted him that far, but he would give them an answer to a question like that if he'd known. Understandable, since I refused to let my thoughts dwell on that day for very long.
"Whatever it is, it's not your fault." Alice sat next to me as Carlisle slowly followed. She tried to hug me, but I leaned away. She was making me face things I didn't have the energy to face. I was a little irritated.
"Remember?" She pressed, a little more gently now. "Leandra, that talk you had with Emmett outside has us worried that there's more to it than what you're saying."
I hadn't even considered that. The one confession I'd always guarded so strictly. The one I'd told Emmett about that night. He'd told me that it wasn't my fault, but they definitely had reason to worry if they made that connection. I could see that bridge now. What I told Emmett led straight to what they were worried about now.
They obviously thought that something Jack had done that day had brought that confession out of me.
"No." I finally said. "Nothing like that. I swear. He didn't even have a chance. Pretty much all we did was talk. He got mad about something I said, but it wasn't anything that bad. At least until Heather showed up."
She nodded. "And after?"
I sighed. "I already told you."
"He had time with you while she was unconscious." She pointed out, and I whined. Lowering my head, resting it on my folded arms on the counter.
"I don't wanna talk about it!" I actually yelled that this time. I couldn't help it.
"We can't help you if you-"
"I don't need your help!" I snapped, sitting back up. I was suddenly not that hungry. "I get it. I messed up. I brought all this on myself. Can't you just.. Just stop? Just stop."
I stood up, leaving the kitchen and heading quickly for the bathroom. Closing and locking the door firmly behind me.
My stomach hurt. Not just figuratively, but physically. There was a very uncomfortable ache in my lower stomach, one like I'd only felt a few times before in my life. The last time being well over a year ago. More like two. I whimpered and leaned on the sink. Out of nowhere, the memory made me want to cry.
Maybe I was just too stressed. Probably. I felt different today. The ache I felt was familiar, but in a different way. My emotions were still as strong as they ever were, but in a different way. I felt constantly on the verge of tears, but for different reasons I didn't even know yet.
The bathroom was the only place I could comfortably be alone, so I chose to sit in there. Sitting with my back against the bathtub, my knees slightly drawn up, until I was sure I wasn't going to be hounded for answers I'd already tried to give them. It wasn't my fault they chose not to believe me.
Then again, my behavior didn't really fit the things I was telling them. Even I could see that. I had no clue what I was even doing anymore.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled to the empty bathroom, knowing they heard me. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to answer you. I don't know how to make you believe me."
I didn't get an answer. I wasn't looking for one. Nobody ever really bothered me while I was in here, and now was no exception. I didn't need to be told that something had to change. I felt it more than anyone, but even as I sat there, I knew eventually, I would have to give in and try Carlisle's suggestion.
It was only a matter of time, and how stubborn I could be about it depended entirely on how much pressure I got about it. I just needed to work up to it myself. The more they pushed it, the more I refused, but the more I refused, the worse I got, and the harder they pushed.
It was a pretty exhausting cycle.
I reconsidered eating, and it certainly helped that nobody bugged me about it. Maybe if I ate, the ache in my stomach would go away. It wasn't exactly a nausea ache. It was too low for that anyway, but a cramping one.
I sat back down at the counter, and Esme seemed relieved to see me come back.
"Andrew is on his way over, honey." Esme informed me, and I appreciated that news. Maybe I just needed an hour of normal. I'd missed him so much during these last few weeks, and now that I was finally healed enough physically, I could see him.
"And nothing is wrong with you." She went on gently. "You're just having trouble finding your footing again. We're just a little worried, though, because you're so withdrawn about what happened that day."
"I know." I sighed, keeping my eyes down. "But I swear nothing like that happened. I'd tell you if it did. I just don't like thinking about the things that could have happened. That's all."
"I understand, sweetie." She assured me.
"How do I make them understand?" I asked. "I kinda get why they won't believe me, but.. I don't wanna take anything to make me sleep."
"You know we wouldn't be pressing it if we didn't know for a fact that it would only help you." She replied. "All we're asking is to give it a chance. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. We'll find another way, but it will."
Just a chance.
"Can I think about it?" I asked after a moment.
"Of course." She replied. "We understand it's a lot to consider. Would it help if I sat with you?"
"All night?" I asked hesitantly.
"As long as you need me to." She nodded. I was surprised to find that it did help. If it helped me get back to normal, and she'd be there the entire time, what did I have to lose? Why was I still so hesitant to let go of that stubbornness?
I sighed, looking back down.
"My stomach hurts." I mumbled, my hand rubbing it a little.
She studied me a bit.
"Do you feel sick?" She asked, and I shook my head.
"Not that kinda hurt." I replied. "More like.. Hurts-hurts."
She was about to say something.
"Leandra." Alice called from the living room, and that told me Andrew was here. It didn't take Richard very long to bring him over here. They didn't live very far away.
I wondered whose idea it was to call them. Maybe it was an attempt to fix me, one last option. I'd mentioned more than once that Andrew made it easier to figure things out.
I stood up.
"Leandra." Esme called, and I looked back at her. "I think we need to talk later." She didn't seem upset, mostly just a little concerned. I nodded, continuing on into the living room.
I approached the front door just as Carlisle was letting them in. Richard saw me first, and his expression dropped a little in worry.
"Hi, honey." He greeted as Andrew saw me next.
"Hey." I greeted quietly, stepping back and letting them walk in. I hadn't really noticed how bad it looked before now, but now I could tell.
"How are you feeling?" Richard asked anyway.
"Okay, I guess." I lied. He wasn't stupid. He hugged me on his way by, and I just allowed it.
"Seriously." Andrew whispered to me, finding my side next. "Are you okay?"
It felt like it'd been forever since I last saw him. Not since the night of the graduation party, so almost three weeks.
"Not really." I whispered in reply. He seemed to understand, nodding. We trailed after Carlisle and Richard into the living room, but we continued on. I led Andrew toward the back yard. It'd been my go-to place to think since that night.
Though he seemed a little confused, he followed easily.
The morning air helped significantly in waking me up. Maybe it was just Andrew, but I could focus more on pretending I'd eventually be okay. I closed the door behind him, taking a deep breath and immediately sitting in my usual chair.
He had yet to take his eyes off me, sitting down in the seat adjacent to mine.
"Are you sick?" He asked quietly.
"No." I shook my head a little. "I just don't really sleep that much lately."
"How come?" He asked. "Dreams again?"
I'd forgotten for a second that he'd read that journal. Reminded, I looked over at him. He'd read that journal, and still came over without hesitation when he was invited. It was only more proof that he actually cared about me.
"Still." I corrected. "Again would mean that they stop sometimes. They never stop."
He sat there silently for a second.
"I have dreams I don't wanna have sometimes too." He mumbled, and I looked over. "Not like yours, but.. They're sad ones. About my mom. I still remember her, but I don't think my dad knows it. I was so little when she first got sick, there's no way he'd know how much I would have given or how hard I tried and wished to make her better. The only thing I wanted was for her to stay with us, but she just.. Couldn't."
I suddenly saw him differently. I remembered what it was like missing somebody so much, dreaming about them was just as torturous as mine were now. To see someone he missed so much while he slept, but being unable to stay with them by being forced to wake up would hurt so bad. I now understood his earlier worry about me being sick.
I changed seats, seating myself right there next to him, leaning over and putting my arms around his shoulders and squeezing him.
He laughed sadly, returning the gesture.
"Thank you for telling me." I mumbled against his shoulder.
"I just wanted to let you know that it's okay to be stuck somewhere." He went on. "It's okay to be stuck on things you still beat yourself up over, even though it's not your fault. Sometimes things just happen." He paused. "I thought you'd be mad at me."
"Why?"
"Because my dreams aren't like yours." He explained. "I thought you'd be mad, or think I was trying to make yours seem like less than that."
"No." I replied. "It's just as bad, but it just hurts in a different way. Believe me, I get it. How come you didn't tell me this before?"
"You were so mad that night." He replied. "I didn't really want to keep talking about it and make you even more mad."
That made sense.
"I promise I'm trying to be better." I whimpered, oddly emotional. He looked over. "I know I'm not a very good friend.."
"Hey." He mumbled, turning a little to face me. "I didn't mean to make you cry."
"I'm just so tired." I sniffled, leaning back and looking down. I felt so stupid for crying the way I was, but I couldn't stop it. What the hell? It was doing it myself, I knew that much, but these tears felt different.
"There's gotta be a way to sleep and not dream." He sighed, hugging me this time.
"Not for me." I stupidly cried. "Let's just talk about something else. Please. I need to talk about something else."
"Okay. Um.." He paused for a second, thinking. "Oh, I learned something last week. Josh's birthday is two days after yours."
Well, that was pretty cool.
"I didn't know that." I smiled a little. Vaguely, I noticed how weird that particular mood swing had been. I was still sniffling from crying like a baby two seconds before, yet I was smiling now?
"Yeah." He nodded. "So you guys are almost exactly two years apart."
"Guess I'll never forget his birthday, huh?"
I knew Andrew's was October 10th. I kept little notes like that.
"Guess not." He laughed a little in response. "He wants to invite you to his party."
I groaned involuntarily, and he laughed again.
"I know." He replied as if I'd said something. "But since he'll be here for yours, I thought I should give you a heads up."
"Wait, what?" I frowned a little. "Aw, man. Alice is throwing me a stupid party?"
"Just a little one." He answered. "She didn't say it was a surprise or anything like that, so I don't think she'll be too ticked that I told you."
"Well, if it's just you guys, I'll be okay with it." I sighed. "Maybe my dad, but he probably won't wanna come."
"Still rough there too?" He asked. He knew the entire situation with my dad. He knew the story of how I ran away from him the day after Christmas. Everything after that had become sort of a blur of just bad, but Andrew knew everything he could.
"Yeah." I replied. "I feel bad for what I did, but not bad enough to try to bring it up."
"I'm sure he forgives you." He assured me. "Parents don't get to pick when they love you."
I shrugged a little.
"You'll see."
Truthfully, I'd really missed this.
"And what you said earlier.." He went on. "You're not a bad friend. You're still learning. Remember how you were in the beginning?"
I smiled at remembering. He had a point. When I first started going to school here in town, he was the only one that even tried to talk to me, and I blatantly ignored him. It got a little easier for him when I moved in with my mom, and we lived close enough to ride the same school bus. That's when I really decided to give him a chance. I was so glad now that I did.
I sighed and rested my head on his shoulder. He didn't seem to mind.
"I dunno what I'd be like without you." I admitted, closing my eyes.
"You'd still be you." He replied. "Can I ask you something? About that book?"
I tensed a little.
"Why haven't you told anybody?" He asked quietly.
"I did." I admitted. "At least a little part of it."
"It's one of those things nobody would ever blame you for, but you blame yourself so much."
"Do you even know what it means?" I was curious about how much he knew. Not mad. I knew enough to know that kids our age shouldn't know anything about that. I didn't want to keep talking about it if he was still blind to things like that.
"I think so." He muttered. "It's just.. Really hard to picture it. Not because of you, but because of him."
I wished I was still unable to picture it. I hadn't been that blind since I was young.
"I didn't tell anyone or anything. I wouldn't do that to you, but.. Whatever you did when he was doing those things to you isn't your fault, because it was all him. He made you. You didn't wanna do it."
I picked my head up, but I couldn't look at him.
It had already been explained to me what had happened and what I did, and that it actually was not my fault. I felt a little less bad about it, but it was still a subject for me that I'd rather avoid.
"All I mean, is.. Please don't feel bad for it." He added. "Any of it. You didn't do anything wrong. He did when he made you feel like that."
I knew it had to have been bugging him since he found out about it.
"I think I'll be okay." I replied, sighing again. I just needed time. Maybe one day I wouldn't feel sick with shame when I thought about what I did. I felt him nod, and I hoped he actually felt better.
"If you're gonna be okay, you gotta start sleeping." He pointed out.
"I've tried."
"Remember what it was like at my house?" He asked. "Maybe you just need somebody to sleep next to you or something."
"I don't think that'll stop these ones." I admitted. "I think maybe I don't have a choice, and I have to let it happen."
"But he's gone now."
"That doesn't mean anything yet." I explained. "Everything doesn't just stop just because he's gone."
He shook his head. "I mean, just tell yourself that when you're stuck in a bad dream."
Oh, if only it was that simple.
I didn't want to argue with him, though, so instead, I stood up and wandered forward. Over the porch to the railing.
"It feels like this is the dream." I sighed eventually. He stood up and followed me. "Like none of this is real. Like I'm not even real."
"You're real." He assured me. "If you weren't real, where would I be without you to worry about?"
"Probably much happier." I replied, looking back down at my hands.
"Don't say that."
I didn't reply.
He frowned a little. "Leandra-"
"I-I don't wanna talk about that stuff." I mumbled. I didn't want him to try to make me feel better. I didn't want to bother him with it. I just wanted to go back to the way it was before. When it was easy.
He studied me a little bit before looking down as well.
"Okay.." He murmured. "Wanna go to your room?"
He didn't know that it was my room that made it so hard to sleep.
It wasn't like I could tell him no without having to explain, so I sighed. Forcing myself to turn, and he followed. I really didn't want him to know that his friend was days of sleeplessness away from losing her damn mind.
Due to my lack of sleep, my emotions were all over the place. Worse today, it seemed. Like I couldn't control them anymore. One second, I'd be pissed at something, and the next, I'd cry my eyes out. It was both very concerning to Carlisle, and slightly irritating to Jasper.
Lately, it seemed to me as if the entire family had been watching me, waiting for something. The older I got, it was as if they were more tense. The worse my emotions seemed to get, the closer they watched. I hadn't the slightest clue why, but again, I wouldn't let myself think about that too much.
I knew I was watched as I led him almost numbly through the house to my room. It was worse for me if I went in here alone. Since I had Andrew with me, I could tolerate it for a few minutes.
I hesitated near the open door, not even wanting to touch the door enough to shut it.
"Hey, your bed's in a different place." He noticed as soon as he walked in.
"Yeah." Was all I said. I tightly crossed my arms over my chest. He looked back at me, and I forced a small smile. "I'm just cold."
My emotions were all over the place as it was, and I had to constantly concentrate on an exhausted sort of calm. A strange kind of numbness, and I felt like at any second, could easily be tugged either in the direction of anger, or tears.
I didn't like feeling so unstable.
I'd had problems sleeping pretty much my whole life, but the last time I saw Jack, something must have come loose, because it was so much worse now. I knew my family worried about that as well, which explained their attempt to talk earlier.
They were convinced that something was chasing me away from my bed and my room, and though they weren't wrong, they weren't entirely right either.
"You're standing there like you're afraid to come in here or something." He seemed confused.
I shook my head. "Just cold." To prove it, I took a few hesitant steps further into the room. Away from the clean spot. Around where Heather had laid. I held my breath briefly, forcing the memory of the panic back into place. I forced another, tighter smile.
He didn't buy it one bit.
"Really." He said. "What's wrong?"
I was determined to make this visit go right. I was tired of dragging him down every time I saw him, so I steeled my voice as much as I could. Right off the top of my head, I yanked an excuse out of thin air. Why would a normal person be stupidly afraid of a random room?
"I saw a huge spider in here last night." I explained. "I lost it before I could squish it."
"How huge?" He seemed to buy that.
"Had to have weighed five pounds."
I smiled tiredly at the nervous look he gave around the room. That must have explained why my bed was moved. Sometimes I still amazed myself. Even half dead from exhaustion, I could still come up with something like that, but I wasn't done. Show, not tell.
I forced my frozen feet to move, perching myself on the edge of my bed. He followed suit, bringing his feet up and sitting cross legged beside me.
"Next time I see it, I'll put a collar and a little bell on it." I joked, and he laughed. I appreciated that sound.
"Just so we know where it's at?" He guessed, and I imagined that. The quiet jingling of a tiny bell off behind the dresser. I laughed too, unable to help it.
He looked around again. Giving me more time to steel myself. I was doing a pretty good job. I accepted the credit I gave myself.
"You should get some fish or something." He suddenly suggested.
"Fish stink, don't they?"
"Sometimes." He shrugged. "If you don't take care of the tank, but your room is huge. It might be nice to have something else live in here with you."
I hadn't even thought about that. It would certainly be nice to have some kind of hobby besides thinking of ways my life had failed me, but I'd never even imagined myself being responsible for something else. I'd never had a pet before.
"Maybe." I replied. "Maybe I'll just start with one, so I won't care as much when it dies."
"They're easy to take care of." He said. "I can show you how if you ever get one. My two have been alive for like three years already."
It wasn't a bad idea, I had to admit.
We both fell quiet, and he watched me as I yawned. Going quiet for a few seconds. I felt so bad for the way I knew he worried. If only I could just stop being tired.
"Maybe you should try to sleep?"
"That probably wouldn't be a good idea." I mumbled, shaking my head. Wouldn't that be horrible? He'd had to wake me up out of a nightmare before, but these were worse than those ones were.
"Come on." He said. "I'll stay with you. Let's just try it."
"You'll get bored."
"I'll probably sleep too." He said. "Come on. Scooch." He nudged me to scoot over, and I hesitantly did. "I'll even take this side." My bed was certainly big enough.
This was something I hadn't tried yet, having Andrew sit beside me. It worked so well that night at his house, and he was suddenly determined, so I sighed.
"Okay." I allowed. "But I'm saying this probably isn't a good idea."
Instead of replying, he reached down, and grabbed the thin blanket covering the foot of the bed, and I reluctantly laid down. He handed it to me, and I shook my head, laying the blanket out over me. With a quick glance to the clock, I noted it was almost 11 AM. I rolled over onto my side, curling into the blanket. Making sure to keep it away from my mouth, tucked under my chin.
He stretched out beside me. He was right there each time I opened my eyes a little.
"I'll wake you up if I have to go anywhere."
I fought it, but I wasn't strong enough. When I fell asleep, I fell hard. Instead of just drifting off, it was sudden and strong.
I dreamed. I remembered dreaming, but more like glimpses of memories. Nothing strong enough to wake me up. It wasn't only memories of Jack, though. It was a huge mix of unintelligible everything. Things that have been building up over the last few weeks. Worried looks and conversations.
When I was startled awake by a rumbling roll of thunder, I was actually confused. Sitting up, I couldn't remember what time of day it was, the clouds were so dark outside it left me wondering.
Things slowly started coming back, and I looked toward the clock. It was after 4 PM, and Andrew was still right there next to me. He had an open book on his stomach, but he slept too. His breathing deep. He must have fallen asleep while reading.
I laid back down with another, deeper yawn.
I felt weird. Slightly nauseous, and my stomach hurt a bit more, but I was definitely still tired. I rested my eyes, snoozing while I thought. I wondered why it had worked so well. Maybe it was a coincidence, and my mind was just too tired to dream anymore, but it didn't feel like it.
Maybe it had something to do with having someone more my size laying next to me, balancing things out but comforting me with presence.
I didn't know what it was, but whatever it was, it had worked. I'd been able to get five straight hours of sleep at once. I wondered if Richard had hung around that long, and almost laughed.
Unfortunately, my stomach hurt enough to force me out of bed. The ache I felt that morning had only gotten worse, so I was in search of the Tylenol.
Before I could reach the door, though, it came open. Esme stepped in. Smiling a little apologetically. She motioned for me to stay quiet, but I watched, confused as she opened the top dresser drawer. Pulling out a clean pair of my underwear. She held her hand out to me, and I followed.
"First of all, don't panic." She started as soon as my bedroom door was closed again. That wasn't a very comforting start. I had no clue what she was getting at. "It's normal."
She led me straight to the bathroom.
It really didn't take me long to understand. All I had to do was see the brand new little bin of menstrual products sitting on the counter, and I figured out what she was getting at.
I was a little embarrassed that I hadn't figured it out before, considering all the time I spent sharing a bathroom with my mom, but I wasn't afraid. I just hadn't had time to think about it. I wasn't the most educated when it came to that stuff, so I didn't know it was supposed to happen to me so soon.
"My mom told me about it." I assured her. "I just don't know how to use any of this stuff."
After a brief explanation of how everything worked, Esme left me to clean up and figure out which way I wanted to go. It really depended on what I was comfortable with using. Although I had a few pressing questions about this new thing and exactly what kind of family I lived with, I decided to save those until later.
Probably only thanks to my mom bringing it up in passing one day months ago, something that would have totally freaked me out was actually no big deal now. I preferred it that way. Uncomplicated and straightforward. No big deal.
I was so grateful for that, because Andrew was awake and standing there when I came out of the bathroom. I wasn't freaked out, and though I was just a little more uncomfortable now, it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.
He smiled as soon as he saw me.
"I fell asleep." He laughed a little.
"So did I." I replied, and he smiled even more.
"Andrew, honey, you'll be staying for dinner." Esme informed him as she approached. "Your father will pick you up later. I hope that's alright."
"Okay." He nodded. "Thank you."
"Aw, mom." Emmett called from the living room. "Can't we keep him?" I knew why he'd ask.
I smiled, looking down. I couldn't explain it any more than Andrew could, but I did feel a little better. I was still tired, but I felt a little less like my head was full of fog. I could tell Andrew was just happy to have helped me.
"Still a bad idea?" He asked me quietly, and I shook my head.
"Good idea." I countered and he laughed. I was okay admitting I was wrong. "Thank you."
I honestly wasn't sure if that would work at night, but I wasn't going to get to test that yet. Richard showed up about an hour after dinner to pick him up, and I was just grateful I got to spend the time I spent with him. I knew I'd be seeing him again in less than a week, so I was okay with it.
I was also glad that the day was ending on a much better note than it'd started.
"Our little shorty's growing up." Emmett sniffled as soon as they'd left, and I sighed. I should have known the teasing would start as soon as possible.
"Shut up, grandpa." I gave him a sour look, and he returned it. When he smiled right after, I knew he knew I was joking. I finally found a way to word the most pressing question I had. "But seriously, though. Is this whole period thing gonna bother everyone? Am I gonna have to live outside?"
Emmett laughed, which I took as a good sign.
"We'll get you a dog house." He assured me, still chuckling. "A nice, comfy one. There might even be enough room for a bed in there."
"No, Leandra." Alice landed beside me. "Totally different thing." As if to prove it, she hugged me into her side. I appreciated that, especially after how I talked to her this morning. Emmett suddenly sat forward and pointed at me sternly.
"But if you end up pregnant before you're exactly thirty years old, I'll kick your butt."
Alice sighed. "It's a little early for that."
"Ew." I cringed. I wasn't stupid. I knew how babies happened to people. "Don't worry."
"It's never too early to let her know where I stand on the whole thing." He stated, turning back to the TV. "Especially with those kids she runs around with."
"What about them?" I asked, confused.
"They're boys." He told me as if it should have been obvious.
"You're not the only one growing up, is what he's getting at." Alice added, and that helped. This would take some getting used to.
"They're not gonna care." I mumbled, shaking my head. "They're my friends."
"Give it a year." He countered, miserably sure. "You'll see what I mean."
"I hope not." I sighed, leaning against Alice. I really didn't want even more to change. I couldn't even imagine where I'd be or what life would be like next year. I was still new at thinking ahead like that.
"So have you thought about what you want for your birthday?" Alice asked, obviously changing the subject.
"Not a party."
"It's not really a party." She reasoned. "More like.. A small gathering. I know you don't want anyone you don't know over."
I could deal with that. I nodded.
"Andrew is such a kindhearted boy." Esme commented, returning to the living room. Unfortunately, with Carlisle in tow.
I still wasn't sure how I felt about what happened. I'd let him down quite a bit just a few weeks ago, but he wasn't holding it against me. He didn't need to. I held it against myself. How stupid I had been was still weighing heavy on me.
I wasn't ready to face that yet.
"Has it really already been a whole year?" I asked in disbelief. Then I rephrased it. "Has it really only been a year?"
"Time flies, shorty." Emmett replied easily, amused. I looked over at him. "It goes by faster than you can even imagine."
I was starting to see that.
"Leandra." Carlisle took my attention. "Can I have a word?"
I looked down. I already knew what he wanted to talk about.
"I haven't thought about it yet." I said instead of getting up. Beside me, Alice nudged me, and though I didn't really want to, I took the hint. I stood up, and followed him toward the stairs.
He led me into his office, probably to remove most of the distractions.
"This wouldn't be a permanent thing, Leandra." Carlisle spoke first, leading me toward his desk. I followed slower.
"I don't want to." I replied, the same answer I always gave him. "Can't I just keep trying to fix myself on my own? Why do I have to take something?"
"There comes a time when trying just isn't enough anymore." He said. "There isn't anything wrong with needing some help now and then."
"I know, but I know I can figure it out again." I argued. "Everything just.. Kinda blew up. I just need some time. Andrew helped me today."
"He's not here with you all the time." He pointed out sadly.
"Yeah, but maybe I can figure out how-"
"Maybe." He hardly ever cut me off. "That's a very strong maybe, and quite frankly, I'm very concerned. Humans, children in particular, need a lot more sleep than you've been allowing yourself to get, and what sleep you do get is broken at best and hardly deep enough to get the rest you require."
"I'm not gonna just give up like that." I said. "I'm not just gonna give up the second it gets hard. I won't. It sucks, yeah, but being trapped asleep with no say in what happens to me sucks even more. You don't know what that's like."
"You know you're safe." He pointed out. "I would never ask you to do this if I wasn't sure it would be in your best interest."
"I know." I easily agreed. "I know I'm safe, but when I'm asleep, my mind doesn't know that. I'm trying really hard to fix that, but the more you want me to take it, the harder that is to do."
That was the first time I'd ever admitted that out loud. I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings, but I could tell I had. I fought emotion of my own as I looked down.
"Just.." I mumbled, taking a breath. "One more week. If I'm still having the same kind of trouble after my birthday, then I'll try your way."
"A week is a long time." He sighed. "A few hours of sleep today isn't near enough to hold out that long."
"I know." I said again, but I didn't go on. He sighed, studying me sadly. I knew he was looking at the pure exhaustion written in my features. There was no way only a few hours had fixed that, but just underneath that exhaustion, I knew he could also see my determination.
"What else is making you fight this so much?" He asked after a moment. "That isn't your only reason."
I looked down. He knew me too well.
Without even meaning to, I thought back to the day I first met Carlisle. It was such a chaotic day that had started off bad and only got worse. Since that day, though, I'd worked so hard to figure out this whole trust thing.
Any way I looked at it, no matter what angle, trust always started with honesty. It always had. It'd been proven time and time again that all I had to do was talk. All I had to do was try. All I had to do was reach, and every time, I'd be pulled the rest of the way through.
I took a deep breath, holding it for a second.
"I don't wanna see anything." I finally admitted, keeping my eyes down. I knew by the way he sighed that he understood what I meant, but I went on anyway. "Seeing the way that dream actually happened really scared me. It was.. It wasn't even longer than two seconds, but for those two seconds, what was happening actually matched that dream. It scared me. I'm afraid if I'm that asleep, I'll see something else."
He was quiet, and I knew he wasn't sure what to say. He couldn't promise that that wouldn't happen. As badly as he wanted to, he couldn't protect me from the inside of my own mind. He couldn't help me with this.
I knew it was something I'd have to get over, because as Alice had already pointed out, an ability wasn't something I could keep from happening. I'd eventually have to learn to live with it. I accepted that part.
"I just need a little more time to get over being afraid of it." I went on quieter. "Please? I promise, no matter what I'll try your way in a week. I just need a few more days to get used to it."
He sighed again.
"I trust you." He finally replied. "I want to be on the same side. I want to help you, not pressure you. Just promise me you'll let me know if it gets too hard."
I nodded, relieved.
"I promise." I said, and he nodded as well. "I don't want to screw everything up. More than I already have, I mean."
"You haven't messed anything up." He assured me, and I gave him a look.
"I know what I did was stupid." I countered. "Believe me, I'm still paying for it."
"I believe you, but I don't believe you should attempt to go through this alone."
I nodded. I knew that, and I was trying to get better about that, but I was so sure it showed in my sleeplessness. It showed in my inability to look at him now.
I usually avoided looking at the paintings in his office, but today, one in particular caught my attention. Three men stood forward in this painting, one stood back.
It'd always been there, I'd seen it before, but it seemed out of place now. I shook it off, though. My mind was probably just tired. Everything still seemed out of place.
I was quiet for a second, blinking tiredly at the floor.
"Carlisle?" I finally asked, sitting down. Meeting his eyes as he looked to me. "Can't I just skip my birthday this year?"
"Are you still upset over it?" He asked, remembering how much I hated my birthday the year before. It wasn't a secret.
"No." I frowned a little. "I just feel like I'm not really ready for it. The last year went by way too fast, and I know the next one will too. I'm not sure I like the way that I figure out more stuff the older I get."
He smiled a little.
"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way."
"I know." I replied quietly. "I think part of me is just trying to catch up."
"That's understandable." He nodded, sitting down as well. "You've gone through a lot in the last year."
He wasn't wrong.
Despite all the previous year had brought me, I was still alive. Though I'd never seen the merit in celebrating the fact that I hadn't died in the last year, I certainly did now. I hadn't accomplished much, but I survived. That meant something to me now.
I learned that if I really had to, I could find a way to survive if I was on my own. I learned a sort of independence that I wouldn't have learned any other way. My couple of months without my family had taught me that. I'd learned so much during that time.
I'd stray into town now and then, but always come back home. Despite it being empty. Even before I learned that the second floor balcony door had been open. Left unlocked.
I learned what it was like to be out in the cold, and I learned that not everyone could be trusted. I'd known that before, but somehow, I hadn't fully believed it. I learned to be careful, very careful of those that told me they just wanted to help me.
I'd learned so many things there in Port Angeles by myself.
The most important thing I learned there, however, was how much I needed my family. I was taught that lesson more than once through the rest of the year, but that was when I fully realized it. The lengths I would go to to fight to keep them was unreal to anyone else, but them. They understood my reasons behind every action, but that wasn't the same as condoning them.
I also learned how to trust, even after that trust had been broken.
Despite how many times I'd been told that I'd never be alone, I was. I was left so impossibly alone when my family left in the fall. But without them leaving, I never would have learned all I had in the time they were gone.
I never would have learned how capable I was, if I tried. I learned that effort was possible if I wanted something bad enough, but I also learned that I was still young. I had to be careful about anything I did because there was so much out there that I didn't understand yet.
I was still learning, but there was so much ahead of me. I had so much time to learn these things, and testing out my wings, so to speak, could wait. I still had time to learn all there is about the world, and with careful steps, it was possible.
I learned how to forgive. I learned that no matter how hurt I'd been before, it was possible to trust again. To know that everything they'd done, was with my best interests in mind. No matter how hard I tried, I trusted them again. I learned that despite what I thought before, they weren't going to leave me again.
I learned what it felt like to finally be wanted, to be accepted. Despite how many problems I had, I learned that I had someone that was willing to help me work through them. To trust them to always be there, even if doing so before had hurt me. And I did.
Even in the last couple of weeks, I'd learned so much.
I learned that sometimes, all of my effort wasn't enough. I learned what was too much effort, and I learned when I wasn't giving enough. I learned the consequences of both, and I learned that sometimes, I just had to let go and let someone else help me out.
I was still trying to learn how to find my place, but again, I still had so much time in front of me.
I learned what pain really was. I learned more about loss, and death. I learned what it was like to nearly lose my life, giving me a better perspective on what I was holding on to. I realized all I had to lose now, and I learned exactly how much I had now worth holding on to.
I learned more about love, and what an impact it made. I learned what it was like to have friends, and I learned what it was like to have a family. The love I could have for both, and how different it was, but the same in its own way. Both were plenty to fight for on their own, but both together, it made me truly realize how lucky I was.
I learned patience, to a point, and I learned strength. Not just plain strength, but strength in numbers. I wasn't much alone, and I knew that now, but I learned that I could do so much more if I had my family behind me. I learned that there were two very different types of strength.
There was a solitary strength that I was still searching for, but there was also a strength I could only find among them. The ones that had promised me since I met them that they'd be there. Taking me in, despite how much I really couldn't give anything back, and I still wanted to cry every time I thought about it. That despite how many problems I caused them, they hadn't given up on me yet.
I learned what it meant to sacrifice. I knew what it meant to do something for the benefit of others. Even if it meant causing me pain, or discomfort, I did it. Because sometimes, there were so many more important things.
I learned what it felt like to be protected.
When I'd first come to live with my family, Emmett had told me that he was the protector of the family. The one that fought to keep everybody safe. I wondered back then what that must have been like, to be protected by somebody so much stronger than I was, never believing in a million years I'd ever feel like I belonged.
Now, not only did I belong right where I was, I knew what it felt like to be under his protection. The lengths he'd go to to take out the main threat in my life had really opened my eyes, and it only made me appreciate him, and the rest of my family even more.
As mixed up as I was, trying to learn how to be human in a family of vampires, I knew that no matter what, one day I would join them as an immortal myself.
Maybe then, I could begin to contribute, and take a step in the direction of paying them back for all they'd done for me. Until that time came, though, I knew they'd all be by my side. Behind me, urging me forward. Helping me, supporting me, and teaching me what it was to have a family, to have someone always there to turn to, and never leave me alone again.
To have someone to teach me how to defend myself, to give me just a little bit more independence until I was ready to run on my own. Until the day came when I wouldn't be just the human anymore. Weak, but not quite defenseless.
To believe that I could one day be someone more than I was now. To believe that I could be strong if I needed to be. To see the promise my family saw in me.
I knew that time was still so far off, but I could wait. I would wait until I was old enough to truly make the decision, and ask to be turned. I was promised forever, and even though I knew living with my pain would hurt, I also knew that it would help me become someone so strong, nothing could break me. Learning from it, letting it teach me things I never would have learned without it.
I couldn't help but look forward to this next year. This year had to be at least a little brighter than the one I'd left behind. There was no uncertainty anymore. The floor was solid under my feet.
I was standing right where I belonged, and nothing could take that away from me.
"I've learned a lot." I finally replied, nodding. "I feel like I need a whole nother year just to think about it all."
"You have many, many years ahead of you." He reminded me, and really for the first time, I believed him. With Jack gone for good, I no longer had that worry holding me back from really imagining what growing up would be like.
That was a huge thought in itself. Something I chose to put away for another day.
A/N: Yay for awkward, cheesy chapters. I suppose this was mostly an opener.
I apologize for this taking so long to come out. I swear I'm not being lazy, but I have to say that updates may be rocky for a little while until I figure out a new routine. They'll come, though. :)
And.. THANK YOU! To those reviewers of last story! I was so worried you guys would bury me in tomatoes. THANK YOU for being kind.
As I stated in the opening notes, this is going to be the toughest story so far. There's so much that happens in Breaking Dawn that I have to put into her perspective, but the challenge is the fun part.
I think that about covers it. I'll do my best to hurry up with chapter two, and look forward to seeing more of you guys, my fabulous readers and reviewers, throughout this story, and the ones to come. (:
Until Two, my friends!
