My Heart

I wish I knew when I met her that Brittany would one day become my one and only.

It would have saved me so much pain and heartache to have known then that I preferred the gentle, well-practiced caresses of a woman to the fumbling of unsure men. Even if it just that woman in particular, it doesn't matter. What I feel when I am with Brittany greatly overshadows any of my previous sexual partners, my love for her bares no comparison.

My love for her.

Sometimes I am scared that I love her more than she loves me. I know it's a silly thought, but if she felt the same with the same passion, she would have dumped Artie the moment I confessed to her. I dated Dave out of spite – Kurt can have the damn Prom Queen crown to go with the rest of his tiara collection, all I wanted, then and now, was my Brittany to be with me.

But she wasn't.

I was scared, too scared of what everyone would say.

I was scared of the looks, the whispers, the badly veiled looks and the unhidden disgust that would come out along with my sexuality.

Fuck that.

Even now, I don't know my sexuality. Miss Holiday said it's all about who you fall in love with, and I love Brittany, but other girls just don't do it for me. Not to say that no other girl could – I would mack on Mila Kunis without a second thought – but I don't get all antsy in the pants for Quinn, or the Hobbit, or any girl other than my Britt. I go around saying I'm a lesbian, just so that I can be with her around hers the way I truly want to be with her, but if it weren't for Brittany I don't know if I would be.

It's confusing.

Everyone says that now is the time to be making all your mistakes. I don't want this to be one of them. I see myself in five years with Brittany, in ten years, twenty, thirty; she's always with me. When I was with Puck, I don't think I saw myself with him for five weeks, let alone the rest of my life. Finn was an overnight fling, and Sam didn't even get that far – this was through no fault of his own, I must admit, since I was kinda coming to terms with my lesbianic tendencies at that point.

Coming out was painful, but I didn't really have a choice. That damn smear campaign forced the truth, but my parents took it well. There were a few minutes of silence before mi Padre asked if I was sure – this almost made me laugh, but it was a serious moment. Mi Madre just smiled, like she knew already, and she did; all she said was that she hoped I was happy with Brittany.

I was – I am.

Being with Brittany for real was all I ever hoped, and more. There wasn't the feeling of restraint, like I had imagined, nor was there a longing to be with a man – she was all there was, and all I needed. It was perfection; something I'd never dreamed of reaching. I would kiss her and there would be fireworks every damn time. She didn't cheat, she didn't lie, and she didn't judge me for being cruel – in fact, it was often through her that I performed my random acts of kindness.

Brittany is my heart.

I can accept that.

What I cannot accept is a label.

Some women are lesbians, and some women are in love with another woman.

It's not the same thing.

For now, I will play the lesbian. Who knows, it could be true one day. All I know now is that I love my Brittany for all she is, and she loves me for everything I am.

And I'm just fine with that.