REMUS KNOWS
Your secrets out
I know it hurts, it was meant to
Your secrets out and the best part is it isn't even a good one
And it's mind over (you don't) matter (Fall Out Boy)
Sirius is always scared now. Remus sees it, although no one else does. No one knows Sirius like Remus does. Not even when James was alive. James knew everything about Sirius, but only because Sirius told him. Remus knew everything about Sirius by watching. He knew that 'I'm not hungry' meant 'I'm depressed'. And that 'more coffee' meant 'if I have something in my mouth I can't talk'.
Remus knows. Sirius sits sometimes for hours and just looks. Looks at nothing, looks at air, looks at pictures, looks at Remus, looks at windows, at the floor. And it doesn't matter what he looks at because Remus knows what he sees.
Sometimes Remus sees it, too.
Twice now, Remus has caught Sirius talking to a person who isn't there. Once to people who weren't there.
He knows at night Sirius makes love to a person who isn't there.
Sirius smiles for Molly, for Harry, for everyone but Remus. Because Sirius knows Remus knows. But when others are there Sirius smiles, Sirius laughs, Sirius tries so hard to forget.
Remus likes to forget Sirius is trying.
Sirius smokes pot now when it's only Remus in the house. Sirius throws up lunch now. Sirius won't eat supper. Sirius is on a cleansing diet of marijuana and sex with perfect strangers even though he can't leave the house, he does anyway.
And comes home with bruises.
"Sirius, we should take about this." Remus says to him.
Sirius just blinks. "More coffee."
And Remus knows.
Remus knows the one thing James never did. That Sirius loved him more than anything.
And Sirius would die for him.
Sirius will die for him.
