Chapter 1
And How Was I To Know
a/n: So I wrote the original story over the span of a little more than a year. And guys, I realized that that story took a very different turn than I ever intended it to do. The story was supposed to progress differently with a MUCH different ending. Fortunately, I still have the story maps here (In this mess I call a bedroom somewhere) I just have to hunt it down. In the mean time, there will be no prologue for this story. Instead, I'm delving right in. enjoy.
Jude looked around the floor of the washroom she was currently sitting on. Tommy had been gone for nearly two months, but G Major was still buzzing away with its normalcy. On a normal day she would have been glad, but she had never been sick like this before, and it was starting to scare her. She'd never seen herself as the one who got dramatically sick. She only got sick a few times a year, and they were ususallyusually chest colds. The fact that she was feeling like this, just wasn't didn't seem to be right to her. The knock on the bathroom door made her jump, and she placed a hand on her chest as she stood up and walked to the door. She unlocked and opened it,it; letting in the Instant Star contestant thathat t she had apparently locked out. She made a quick apology before exiting the room and walking back to the studio. She happened to bump into Sadie along the way, who pointed out that she looked a bit pale, but she shrugged it off, not caring. Her life hadn't been the same since Tommy had taken off.
Stepping into the studio, she gave Kwest a small smile and then walked into the studio, closing the door behind her. He looked at her briefly through the glass. She looked depressed.,depressed, and pale. Like she'd been kicked in the stomach over something that wasn't her fault. He wanted to help her, but he didn't know what to say to her. "You ready to work, star?"Jude nodded, slipping on her headphones. In the two months Tommy had been gone she'd only written a handful of songs. Most of them either sucked or needed lots of work, but a few of them actually came out semi-good, and she received the go-ahead from Darius to record them. When Kwest was sure that she looked situated, he nodded to her and then gave her a countdown for her to start singing. The song started with the soft strumming of a banjo in the opposite room before Jude began singing along.
"And I'd give up forever to touch you,
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.
And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And you cant fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I dont think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am."
Kwest clapped from the sound booth with a big smile on his face, which, though Jude could try and fight it, it brought a smile to her own face. Finally she'd done something right in the last few months. She loved this song. Yes, it was about the life of cutting, but it wasn't about her. The little girl she'd met at the elementary school the year before had written her a letter, telling her she wanted to leave her life, and Jude had gone to see her, only to find out that that little girl ,girl, a mere 11 year old, had started cutting herself; Which only left Jude to wonder where her own once youthful generation was now headed. Teen pregnancies, drugs, death, rape…It seemed to be everywhere these days. ; Like it never ends. She exited the studio and walked over to where Kwest was seated and sat down next to him. He smiled and finished mixing the track before pulling it out of the player and handing it to her. She smiled at him and sighed. "God, I love this song…."He nodded. "You did well on it, Star. You deserve a medal or something for it."Jude giggled and nodded, thanking him. "That's really sweet.He nodded and smiled, standing up. "Shall we go play it for the warden?"
Jude nodded and ran a hand through her hair. Even though he was her boss, she had no problem admitting that she hated listening to him critique her music. He always had such a big deal with the smallest errors, and that drove her nuts. She stood up and walked out of the room with Kwest, walking down the hall to Darius' office. Kwest knocked once before Darius called for them to enter. They walked in quietly and sat down in their respective spots. Darius looked at the two for a moment before he took the CD from Kwest and put the CD into the computer, waiting for it to load. When it had, he played it once before taking it back out and handing it back to Jude.
"So,…what'd you think?" Jude spoke tentatively, not able to read Darius' opinion of the song. He simply shrugged."Its good. Not your best though….Seems a bit…morbid…." He spoke truthfully. And maybe the song was a little morbid. But that didn't mean that Jude agreed with him.
"Morbid? An eleven year old told me she wanted to kill herself! I don't call that morbid. I call that a crisis. I wrote a song about her to show her that she's not alone. None of my fans are. If I could, I'd try and be there for all of them. But there's too many." She sighed and looked over at Kwest biting her bottom lip. "I'm sorry. I have to go. I can't fight about this…"Kwest nodded and Jude stormed from the office, out into the lobby where Sadie was organizing files. She leaned against the counter, pouting. "Darius didn't like my new song…"Sadie looked up at her and frowned slightly. "Darius doesn't ever like anything that one of his slaves hasn't written about. He likes happy go lucky power ballads and sappy love songs. Someone even goes near the subject of suicide, and he scrounges into a corner. You know what I mean?"Jude nodded. "Yeah…Well…" Sadie looked up, pointing behind Jude. "New artist alert."Jude turned around, seeing three girls and a guy enter the building. They all looked to know each other and about the same age. Jude sighed and walked over to them, extending her hand. "Hi, I'm Jude Harrison. I'm a G Major Artist."The first girl turned Jude immediately and smiled, shaking her hand. "Haley. This is Brooke, and Peyton….We just signed with your boss a few days ago….Is he busy?"Jude nodded, turning to see that the door was still shut. "Yeah, he's in with my producer right now…" She looked at the blonde man behind Haley and couldn't help but smile. He was definitely good looking. Haley noticed Jude's staring and couldn't help but giggle.
"That's my brother, Chris. He's going to be producing us…" She smiled, placing a hand on her hip. Jude nodded, continuing to look at him. She'd have to get his number later.
Kwest finally exited the Throne Room, and Darius walked out, waving for the four to come on in. Jude looked over to Kwest and smiled, mouth a thank you to him. He waved her off, telling her not to worry about it before going over to Sadie and talking to her. Jude took one final glance around the room before she sighed and grabbed her bag and then walked out of the building. She walked down the street, not really caring to drive. She had a doctors appointment across town in 10 minutes, so it would have been logical for her to drive, but she didn't necessarily want to, so instead she walked. After a block or so though, she began to grow lazy, and hailed a cab and got in, telling the driver where to take her.
When they pulled up to the hospital, she paid the driver and then got out of the car, walking into the building and checking in. Less than 5 minutes later, her doctor came out and took her back and into an exam room. She spoke briefly with the nurse before she left to find Jude's doctor. Jude settled back on the bed before there was a knock at the door. She looked up and smiled. "Bren, you made it…" She smiled, sliding off the bed. She hugged the man and smiled before walking back to the bed and sitting down. He walked over next to her, taking her hand. "Well, anything to help, right?"Jude nodded and smiled, settling again as her doctor knocked twice lightly before opening the door and walking in. Jude smiled and waved to her silently, seeing the small machine she'd brought in with her. Jude bit her bottom lip, looking up at Brendan. "This is really real..Wow…"Her doctor laughed softly, lifting Jude's shirt and squirting a small amount of clear jelly onto it before slowly moving the paddle across her stomach until a constant beating came into sync. Jude let out a loud sigh of relief, allowing herself to rest fully back against the bed. Her doctor smiled and shook her head. "Don't stress so much. You'll make her job harder…"Jude's head popped up at the sound of a girl. "Her? It's a girl?"Her doctor's smile slipped a little, slightly apologetic. "I'm sorry. I should have asked if you wanted to know before I let that spill…It just came out..."Jude shook her head as a small smile covered her face. "No, no. Don't be sorry…I just…wow…Its really real."Her doctor nodded and smiled. "Yeah, it is. It's amazing too…every time…"Jude smiled and reached out, touching the monitor. Her baby girl was kicking wildly inside of her, and she could feel it, yet….She hadn't told anyone around her yet. Her parents were both out of town indefinitely, Sadie was caught up in her own life with Kwest, and Tommy was only god knows where, which essentially left her feeling alone. She let out a soft sigh of defeat as the stress of her current situation washed over her again, and looked around the room. She had so much to do, and in so little time."Jude? Earth to Jude?" She shook her head looking up that the blond man who had raped her 5 months before and gave him a slight smile. "Yeah. Um, lets, yeah. Let's go."She hopped down off the bed, taking the prescription her doctor handed her and then headed out of the doctors office, outside to Braden's car. The drive back to her place seemed slow, and quiet, mostly out of tension. In most ways, he had completely ruined her life. She didn't trust anyone around her, but she needed help. She wanted someone to be with her all the time, but she was too afraid to tell them why. Braden insisted he'd been drunk and it was a stupid thing to do, yet she remembered that he was slightly more sober than she was. She didn't know what to think anymore.
As the pulled up to her place, she quickly thanked him before getting out of the car, and then she practically ran inside. It was getting late. She needed to eat, write a song, and then get to bed if she was ever going to get to the studio on time the next morning. She walked into the kitchen and searched through takeout menus before giving up on that and heading up to her room. Maybe she just wouldn't eat tonight. She wouldn't die. She wasn't interested in any food they had in the house, and she didn't necessarily want to leave the house again. She just wanted to be settled in for the night and stay home. She grabbed her laptop and walked up to her room, sitting down on the bed with it. As she waited for it to load, she changed out of her current clothes, which consisted of a black vest with a vintage Rolling Stones shirt under it, and skinny jeans. As she watched them drop to the floor, tears threatened to fill her eyes. She'd struggled to even fit into them that morning, and it wouldn't be long before she was popping. She already had a slight bump, but she'd heard stories about girls who pretty much blew up over night because of the baby moving around. She shook her thoughts away and sat down on her bed, grabbing her laptop. She settled it in her lap and looked up pregnancy once again. It had pretty much become a nightly thing for her. Each night she'd read about the different things that were happening to the little soul growing inside of her, whether it had to do with the nervous system, or how quickly finger nails grew. She didn't really care. She wanted to know everything that she would need to know about her baby. She was pretty sure there was no chance that the baby would have any of the diseases listed, except for one. The mere thought of her baby having Cystic Fibrosis scared the hell out of her. She'd lost her brother to it 5 years earlier. He'd died when Jude was 12 and Sadie was 14 while having a lung transplant. The doctors had always told them that it was one of the worst cases of CF they'd ever seen and that he'd be lucky to live past 21. Sadly, he never made it to 18. He'd died at 16, and it was then that the Harrison parents really started fighting. Before that, the family of five had been happy and they got along great, but when Matthew died, the house pretty much fell to pieces. Sadie hadn't really taken much out of it, other than another open room in the house, which freed her and Jude from sharing one. '
On the flip side, it hit Jude hard. Matt knew any and every trick to calm Jude down. They connected largely with their father over their loves of music, and Jude was always spending time with Matt in and out of school. He never seemed to care that she was 4 years younger than him because they shared everything in common.She almost hated him for dying. He'd know what to say right now. He'd tell her how to fix the situation. He'd tell her to go to their parents, or to Sadie. To go to someone and tell them what had happened. He'd tell her that if Tommy didn't care about her, then it was his loss, because she was an amazing girl. He'd tell her anything to calm her down.She looked at the blank document on her computer and sighed, shaking her head. The lyrics for a song were hitting her like a bullet, but she didn't want to write a love song about Tommy. For once she just wanted to write something about the past. So she began to type.
"I saw you today
And it seemed like another life
Since we'd talked
It seemed like a different day
We spent time on the beach,
Holding hands and talking about life
When you left, I cried, but your promised,
Tomorrow you would come by…
But then I woke up and I remember its not real
You're not waking up,
And you're not coming by
You can't be here to hold me
All I remember to do now is cry
Why'd you have to die…
I can't go on
With you gone…
A marble stone is not enough
To put together the man I knew
It doesn't paint a picture of him
Or remind me of happier times
I've cried so long , my tears ran dry
I can't remember the last time I smiled
And sooner or later, we all pass by,
But why'd you have to go without me by your side
Because today I woke up, and I remembered
The dreams weren't real
You're not waking up
And you're not coming by
You can't be here to hold me
All I remember to do now is cry
Why'd you have to die
I can't go on
With you gone
I'm wide awake now
You have to get up now
I'm wide awake now,
You have to show up now
I'm standing, shaking
Don't leave me crying,
I'm freezing, losing,
Don't leave me dying…
(paino solo)
Forgive me, I'm going back home
This place isn't enough for me
This isn't happiness, I was shown
I'm surviving on shreds,
And its not long before I fall
My feet are slipping off the pedestal
You've put me on…
Because today I woke up, and I remembered
The dreams weren't real
You're not waking up
And you're not coming by
You can't be here to hold me
All I remember to do now is cry
Why'd you have to die
I can't go on
With you gone
(I'm wide awake now)
(You have to get up now)
(I'm wide awake now)
(You have to show up now)
(I'm wide awake now)
(Don't let me die now…)"
After she finished the song, she saved it and then went on a hunt for people to talk to, but everyone on her messenger list appeared to be too busy to talk. Most people had up away messages, which only left her feeling even more alone, and the few people that were on and alert weren't really around to talk to. She had Dana's screen name, but she and Dana only got along when it came to her music, and cheerleading, which Jude had opted against doing this year after finding out she was pregnant. She groaned and shut her laptop, lying down in her bed. Before she realized it, she'd fallen asleep….
The next morning, she awoke and got up and quickly showered. As she slipped her towel around her, she realized it wouldn't' tuck in as it normally did and looked down. Her stomach looked as if someone had put a beach ball into it while she'd slept. Tears flooded her eyes as she raced out of the room in search of something in either Sadie or her fathers closet that could hide the obvious bump. If people knew, they'd kill her. Her parents, Sadie, Darius…Oh God, Darius...He'd have her head on a platter.
When she was done raiding Sadie's closet, she'd settled on a tank top that hung loosely on her, but she knew it was no use. She was definitely pregnant and her stomach had boomed over night, literally. Tears pierced her eyes again as she slipped on her sweater and then made her way out of the house. She made drive to G Major extra slow, partly because she didn't want to see the looks on peoples faces, and partly because the storm raging outside was bad enough that she couldn't see more than three feet in front of her. Finally, she pulled into the parking lot half an hour later with her laptop in hand. As she shut her car off, she pulled the hood to her sweater on and pulled the strings down so no one would notice her, atleast for a bit. She didn't want people knowing until she'd talked to Sadie and Darius. A thought struck her and she smiled slightly. Maybe if she held her laptop in front of her, no one would realize her stomach had popped out over night. She figured it was worth a shot, and opened the door when the rain managed to let up for a few seconds and hopped out, grabbing her laptop and holding it in front of her with her arms crossed over it as she ran inside.
The 30 feet from where she parked in the parking lot to the door was enough to get her soaked because by the time she got inside, she was dripping from head to toe. She quickly made her way into Studio A and shut the door behind her, pulling her laptop from its bag. She closed her eyes, thanking God in relief that her soaking bag had managed to keep her laptop dry. She grabbed the plug out of the bag and plugged it into the wall before setting it up on the soundboard. A knock came from the door while she was plugging it in and she spun around, having forgotten her current situation as Kwest stood before her with Sadie.
"Jude, oh my God…What…you…What's going on with you?" Sadie walked over to her, placing a hand on Jude' stomach. Jude bit her bottom lip as tears pierced her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Sadie. I was afraid to tell anyone…"Sadie shook her head, lifting Jude's chin to look at her.
"Afraid to tell anyone what, Jude? What happened?"Jude looked down at the floor as tear pierced her eyes again and fell, rolling down her cheeks.
"When I went to Barrie….I got…" She shook her head, biting her bottom lip as tears ran faster down her cheeks.
"Oh, God. Jude. Oh my god…I'm so sorry…" She pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back and trying to calm her. Her 17 year old sister had been raped and was, what Sadie assumed at least 4 or 5 months pregnant. It almost amazed her that Jude had kept it a secret so long. After a few minutes, Sadie pulled away from her, and wiped her tears away. "I need to know how far into this pregnancy you are?"
Jude looked down at the floor and bit her bottom lip. "I went to the doctor yesterday. She said I was a little less than 5 months. Sadie, I can't have her on my own. I can't be a parent at 17. I'm still in high-school, I'm trying to write an album, I….Its too much…"
Sadie shook he head. "No. We're gonna talk to Darius and then we're gonna take you home, and then…" Sadie thought for a moment, biting her bottom lip. She looked over at Kwest who still looked to be in shock over what Jude had just blurted out.
Jude looked down at the floor, not wanting to be in any ones way. "Sadie, no, I think I'll just go home later. I'll talk to Darius in a bit. You don't need to come with me."
Sadie shook her head at Jude. She was insistent on taking care of her little sister. Jude needed her rest, and plenty of it."No, Jude. You need to rest. You need to put your feet up, write songs only if its not going to stress you. You need to worry about yourself and your baby. Okay?"
Jude nodded in defeat and looked at Kwest."Are you okay?"
He nodded, widening his eyes for a few seconds before he settled. "Yeah, sorry….That was just a bit of a curve ball, I guess. Not something you expect to hear out of your artist's mouth at 9 O'clock in the morning on a Saturday…"
Jude smiled slightly, biting her cheek. "Sorry, Kwest. Really, I am.."
He shrugged, shaking his head. "Don't be sorry, star. It'll sink in and then I won't look at you like you have two heads anymore," he teased.
She giggled and shook her head at him. "Okay."
Sadie nodded and grabbed Jude's arm. "Lets go talk to Darius, kay?"
Jude nodded, biting her bottom lip. Sadie linked her arm with Jude's and they walked into Darius' office with Kwest in tow. Sadie pushed the door open, not bothering to knock, as she didn't care what Darius had to say about them just barging in.
"Has everyone forgot the meaning of knocking!?" He glared at Sadie before looking at Jude. He mouth dropped and his eyes widened as if there were a tarantula on her face. "What….the…."
Jude looked to the floor, and Sadie shook her head, rubbing her forehead. "This isn't her fault. She didn't want to tell anyone because she was afraid. But it isn't her fault. Its something that happened to her."
Darius looked at Sadie as if she'd left a major part of the story out, which she had. "What, happened…"
Jude continued staring at the floor as tears filled her eyes again. "I was raped….5 months ago…"
"Why would you keep a secret that long!? Do you know what this is gonna do to our company? Your album sales are going to tank, the record executives are-" Sadie threw the newspaper on Darius' desk, shutting him up.
"She does NOT need your negativity telling her how much trouble she's in! This is why she wouldn't tell anyone what happened! She was scared of what would happen…"Darius sighed and nodded.
"Okay, okay, okay…Jude, I need to speak with your sister and Kwest. I saw that you met our new artists yesterday. Why don't you go get aquainted with them. You'll be working with Chris a lot in the next few months."
Jude sighed and nodded. She walked out of the room, and into Studio A where her laptop was still set up, but Haley, Brooke, Peyton and Chris were all setting up to record. Jude waved to them, settling on the chesterfield. Chris looked at her with a small smile. "Hi. Chris Keller."Jude nodded to him and smiled. "Not raiding my laptop, are you?"
He shook his head. "No. The girls and I were just discussing their new song."Jude nodded interestedly. "Anything I can do to help?"Haley smiled, sitting down next to Jude. "Sure. We'll sing it for you."
Chris nodded and turned to his own laptop, playing the back beats for the song. The girls soon joined in.
"I never feared the unexpected
Till I found myself in this peculiar place
Unaware of where I was headed
Turns out it was your footsteps I had chased
Well I should know so much better than this
But you've occupied the center of my universe
I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
Till the day I learn you're no good for me
It's illogical and it's outrageous
The way I let you keep me hanging on
Your character is that contagious
I know I should have thought before I had done
I've gone and let my impulse be my guide
And on that note, I'll be defenseless for some time
I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
Till the day I learn you're no good for me
Hey you there, keep your distance
Don't you come around here
Don't test my patience baby
Cause I ain't gonna let you off easy
I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
Till the day I learn you're no good for me..."
Jude smiled and nodded. "I really like that…It's a good song.."Haley nodded, glaring at Chris. "I told you!"
He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "Whatever you say, sis."
Brooke and Peyton laughed at them while Jude just simply shook her head at them. Kwest entered the room a minute later and pulled the three girls out, explaining it was time for them to record. Jude looked around the room, looking anywhere but at Chris. They sat in silence for a bit before he finally spoke."How far along are you?"
He spoke softly, not wanting to scare her with a booming voice or force her to talk.Jude looked up at him and smiled slightly. "Almost 5 months…."
He nodded, looking around the room. "Wow….Does the father work here?"
Jude shook her head, looking down at the floor. "N-no…I don't talk to him unless it has to do with the baby…We don't keep in much contact…."
Chris nodded, not wanting to pry unless she was willing to talk. "So you're single?"
She nodded and bit her bottom lip. "Have been for a bout 8 months," she spoke softly stills staring at the floor as if she could burn it up with her eyes.
"Oh,…" He pieced together what she said and began to understand. "I'm sorry…I guess you've really been on your own these last few months, eh?"
She nodded, wanting to shrink into a hole. "I have been and I will be. My daughter ….God, I'll be honest, I don't know what to do…."
He bit his lip, looking at her. He knew her, but she didn't know him. There was no way she could. Tommy never talked about people from his past. "Let me help you."
She looked up at him, her eyes a bit wider open as if he'd just told her that she wasn't actually pregnant. "You don't even know me…"
He shrugged. "You're in trouble,….And you look lost. I have a thing for helping people…so let me help."
She bit her bottom lip, looking at him. Something about him seemed genuine; like he really wanted to help her. "Give me one good reason to let you help me."
He shrugged again. "Because my sister and I just bought a 6 bedroom house, and we're two people short. Because you being on your own this far into a pregnancy is hardly considered safe. Because I'm a sensitive soul; I like to help people."
Jude smiled, looking at him. He really did seem like he wanted to help her. And if all else failed, she knew she'd hit it off with the girls. She'd be safer with them than she would be at home alone. "Okay.""Okay?" He asked, just to be sure. After this, there would be no going back."She nodded again. "Okay."
The end of chapter one. I hope you enjoyed. :)
