Chapter 1: A Surprise Picnic
We are but mere playthings of fate and whimsy
For it would be no fun otherwise
~ Maloriak, The Songbook of Desires
Under a dreary sky in a land broken, six men sat down to enjoy their latest haul: a bounty of salted pork, sweetbread, eggs and butter. It was an almost endearing sight, these six gruff, dirty lads sharing the common spoils of their toil.
"By the Eight, Podge! Don't eat the fae'n egg before ya cooked it! How am I supposed to enjoy breakfast if the whole camp smells like vomit?", chides a particularly gaunt member of the party to a particularly pudgy comrade.
" Quit your bitching Jerrick. If I was as much a pansy as you, I'd be a twig just like you. At least I know to eat as much as I can when I can. That's why I can actually use a real man's weapon like an axe, while you have your cowardly bow!" replies Podge, eliciting laughs from a few other men.
With a grin, Jerrick replies "Well, this cowardly bowman covers your enormous ass every time we go looting. That Imperial Guardsman would've skewered you if I hadn't shot the lad. To think, I might've missed out on watching you savage your eggs! Come to think of it… maybe I'd have got double portions!" Podge and the party howl in amusement and use their various dilapidated plates to toast to another successful raid.
A muscular man in rusted Imperial Guard armor finishes gnawing a piece of the pork, and addresses the party. " This really is a sweet deal. This area is basically a basket case, Guardsmen generally don't bother, and as long as we don't hurt any Halflings, Sandheaver will back us up. Hell, if wannabe hero Guardsmen keep trying to have picnics on our turf, we might as well be rolling in pork and bread!"
"I still don't get what exactly he wants us out here for… Don't the shorties have bigger plans than ambushing Guardsmen and merchants?" asks one of the men.
" I'm not privy to those kind of talks. Frankly, I'm glad. All Sandheaver said was for us to scare away Guardsmen and keep busybodies out. We got an easy job for now, and it'd be nice if we could keep it that way" the armored man replied.
He surveyed the land around him. The party was camped between two rows of Halfling boroughs built into hillsides, forming a valley large enough for the six men to deploy tents. The tops of the Halfling hills were covered in dense bush, concealing the camp nicely. However, the man in armor knew that this would be the ideal spot for an ambush, and thus encouraged his men to finish their breakfast quickly and move out.
One of the bowmen announced, perhaps as uncouthly as possible, that he needed to take a leak. The man walked out of sight of the rest of the party near a patch of bushes, and was about ready to relieve himself when he hears a low voice, coming from the bush.
"Please don't piss on me, mate"
Before he could react, the fine point of a rapier flashes from the bush, impaling his jugular and producing a muffled gurgling as he is pulled into the brush. None of his comrades seem to notice.
Moments later, two other bandits, in the midst of packing away their supplies, are engulfed in a cone of fire emanating from atop one of the hills, producing a horrid scent not dissimilar from the salted pork.
With the party numbering but three, the armored man blitzes into action. His blade at the ready, he braces himself for an attack. He got one in the form of a charging woman in full plate armor with a massive tower shield and longsword. As she charged, he noticed all of her equipment was made of fine steel and accented with gold. "A Paladin! Just my fae'n luck!". Thankfully, his time in the Imperial Army taught him at least one marketable skill, the art of staying alive. He dodges her blow handily, her hammer whiffing by his frame. He strikes her with his blade, yet, to his dismay, it is utterly ineffective against her heavy armor. His speed, however, allows for decent recovery. In a whirl of movement, he draws a dagger and throws it at the Paladin. By chance or keen eye, it strikes between the plates, causing her to shout in pain. His victory was short lived, however, as three purple darts impact his body, mangling flesh and muscle. As he lay curled on the ground, the paladin seizes this chance and brought down her blade upon his neck, ending any chance of recovery.
"Boss!" comes the strangled cry from Jerrick.
"Jerrick! Get behind me. We can still get out of here!" shouts Podge
The pair stood trembling, only having seen a single opponent yet their entire party felled. They were not special men. They had grown up together in Esterlond, the sons of peasants. The postwar years were not kind to their families, and they resorted to petty thievery. With time, they grew to enjoy it. They had not been in an even fight their whole lives. Now, they are presented with the consequences of their choices.
Podge heard a scream come from his best friend. Wheeling around, he saw the bolt of a crossbow embedded in Jerrick's shoulder, with Jerrick's bow underfoot.
"Jerrick! I need you to pick up that bow! I can't take them a-". He is stopped short by an extraordinary pain in his leg. Looking down, he is shocked to see his right knee entirely skewered by a rapier. Howling, he falls to the ground. His vision fades to black.
He is awoken a short time later with a splash of cold water.
"You've come to. Good. I have a few questions to ask both of you" a voice growls. As Podge's vision returns, he notices the hands of his captor: a grotesque mixture of scale and human skin. Podge recoils, only to end up sprawled on account of his eviscerated leg.
"Freak! What kind of freak are you?!" he screams.
A menacing hiss escapes the haggard, hooded figure.
"...Freak? FREAK?! What the hell does a piece of shit bandit have to say about freaks?!" the figure roars. No longer is he haggard, but standing seven feet tall, revealing his twisted face, a Half-Elf disfigured by mismatched golden scales. "YOU WILL HEAR MY WORDS AND ANSWER MY QUESTIONS OR YOU WILL DIE IN AGONY!"
Podge and Jerrick both whimper and shrink into the ground, completely dumbstruck with terror. Such a horror wasn't supposed to exist outside of children's scary stories! A beast and a man, produced by some unholy union, was here to cook and eat them! "By the Eight! Please, spare us! W-we will tell you everything we know! Just don't eat us!" Jerrick screams.
The horrid creature's face contorts into what could be taken as a grin. "Now that we have that cleared up, I'd like to ask what you sorry fools are doing out here. Are you with a larger group?"
"Yes! We raid under orders from Bram Sanderheaver, commander of the Halfholm Reclaimationists!" the two bandits respond in unison.
"Why the hell would Neo-Halfling Guerillas team up with petty bandits?" the beast responds quizzically.
"We don't kno-"
"Give me your best guess," his eyes narrowing.
"I-I guess we just act as extra manpower. Maybe plausible deniability? We were told to keep Imperials and busybodies out of their turf. That's all we know, I swear!" stammers Podge.
"Fair enough. Neos don't give a damn about non-Halflings, so it makes sense you schmucks would be the grunts." the beast says, half to himself.
He looks over to three of his companions. The tall blonde Paladin woman, a slim, elegant woman with long black hair dressed in a scholarly robe with fur lining to match her hair, and a bearded man of average build, with a full head of long, dark brown hair, sturdy leather armor, and a rapier. It seems that all are ignoring the information being spilled by the captives, and are instead focusing on the Halfling homes built into one of the hills.
"Hey! Lizardfriend! We're going to check out this borough to see if they stashed any loot there! Feel free to come with us!" shouts the bearded Duelist.
"In case you all have forgotten, we actually have a job to do." a humorless voice states from behind Podge. He struggles to turn, and ends up finding a bored looking short brunette woman in scale armor and drab grey cloak, cleaning her crossbow.
"It feels weird having the guy you're going to kill look at you like a lost puppy. Can you please turn back around?" she states with more than a hint or disinterest.
Estanna's tits, I can't tell who I'm more scared of! thinks Podge.
"Are you sure you should be going first?" asks the Paladin.
"Of course, dear lady knight!" replies the Duelist. "You were injured in that last scuffle, it's only chivalrous that I defend you from harm!"
The Paladin sighs, and the wizardess rolls her eyes. "I just hope this borough is structurally sound. The other end of this little hub is already completely caved in. How any of these things survived the war is pretty incredible.." the Wizardess rambles, half to be informative and half to try to erase her secondhand embarrassment from the Duelist.
The borough's interior is mercifully high-ceilinged, meaning none of the explorers need hunch or crouch. The room is wide, holding numerous, round tables and a podium near the back wall. "Hmm, this must be the communal borough tavern-hall. Only the Halflings could be so carefree as to mix boozing with voting and governance." the Wizardess says with a hint of sadness. The Duelist, seeing no dangers, walks to the center of the room, mulling over the thought that if any of the brew here would be drinkable, if they could find any. The Wizardess suddenly notices something. Although thin, her encyclopedic knowledge of the natural world and magic are able to spot them. Strands of web, all over the walls and floors…
"Thanatos! Get back!" she shouts.
Before he is able to turn around to respond, he is knocked to the floor by a heavy weight. Thanatos quickly comes to his senses, but is paralyzed again by the eight black eyes only a foot away from his face. A spider the size of a wolf is pinning him on his back to the floor.
"AAAAAAAHHHH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!" he roars in adrenaline-frenzied terror. He attempts to stab the creature with his rapier, but is unable to firmly grasp it due to his predicament, and ends up launching his blade from his hand in a frantic attempt at self defense. This spider thrives on ambush, and thus has evolved to be a master of such arts. At the end of its legs are retractable barbs, which it has used to hook itself to Thanatos. The spider attempts to bite him with fangs dripping with poison, but Thanatos manges to thrash so successfully that the spider only bites his left shoulder, as opposed to jugular.
By this time, his companions are jumping into action. The Paladin rushes forward, bashing the spider with her tower shield from the front, but to little avail, causing the spider to retract only two of its eight barbs from Thanatos. In anger, the spider jabs at the Paladin, but she successfully blocks both blows.
"Cordelia! Are you ok?" shouts the Wizardess.
"I'm fine! We need to get this thing off of him!" Cordelia shouts over the surprising amount of noise the spider and Thanatos are making.
"I HATE BUGS! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE BUGS?!" roars Thanatos.
"Alicern! What's the holdup?" shouts Cordelia.
"You're all too close for most of my magic! You will get hit as well! I don't know if Thanatos can survive that!" Alicern replies, voice full of panic.
"Karyuu! Nina! We need help" she shouts.
Help! Help!
Karyuu's ear perks up. "Nina, do you hear that? It sounds like our little band of sidetrackers want help." Nina shows no real reaction. "Should we do something? I mean, we did tell them to stay out here and help with our actual job…" he continues.
"No, I think we have more important tasks to accomplish. I can't deal with the undead issue in The Burial Pits until we get clearance… meaning we need to get this fodder task done with as opposed to wasting time." Nina replies coldly.
" Boss told us never to go into the old boroughs. Spiders and other beasties like to take up residence there. Probably what they ran into." Podge says nervously.
"Hrph. If that's all, then I'll consider it a test. If all of them come back alive, I'll continue working with them until my task is done in Halfholm. If not, then I'll just sneak past the Imperial garrison." Karyuu states as if drawing a line in the sand.
"Works for me," Nina replies.
The scene is quiet for a time, with only the distant sounds of yelling and occasional whimpers from the prisoners to be heard.
"Something you want to say?" growled Karyuu, annoyed at the whimpering ruining his tranquil moment.
"N-no.. Are you going to eat us?" Podge whimpers.
"That depends, wretch. Will you tell me useful information? Where is your boss? How many men does he have? Don't try lying. I have a knack for finding liars out…" Karyuu growls, his fiery amber eyes searing themselves into the bandit's frightened frames.
" can't say. 're just underlings… just some extra hel-" mumbles Jerrick
"ARE YOU HIDING SOMETHING, LITTLE SCRAWNY RAT? YOU WILL GIVE ME WHAT I WANT OR YOU SHALL NOT LEAVE HERE ALIVE!" roared Karyuu, almost radiating a furious heat.
"By the Serpent's patience, have you considered the possibility that these dolts might actually not know? They don't strike me as the brainy type…" Nina comments in light irritation at the her shouty companion.
"But by all means, if getting this mad at random bandits really makes you happy, go for it. Not like we're doing much else right now.." her irritation giving way to apathy.
"You wretches had better start talking, FAST. I can't imagine my companions being in a pleasant mood coming out of that borough…" Karyuu says with a smirk.
"I'M NOT GETTING OVER MY FEARS ANY FASTER! HELP!" Thanatos yells desperately.
"Alicern, we need casting! Now!" shouts Cordelia.
"It might kill him! Pry it off first!" Alicern shouts back.
Thanatos struggles to get the spider off, punching with his non-dominant arm, thus hitting like a sack full of very soft puppies. The spider remains latched on, and proceeds to once again dig in its front barbs around Thanatos' shoulders.
"May the wrath of Estanna strike you down, beast!" roars Cordelia, her blade resonating with magical energy. She slams her weapon into the spider, which lets out a horrible shriek, detaching itself from Thanatos and scurrying across the room.
"Alicern! Now!" shouts Cordelia.
In a split second, Alicern acts, launching one of the large bar tables at extreme velocity via magical manipulation. This newly weaponized table smashes into the spider with a satisfying crunch, crushing its carapace against the wall. The beast is vanquished.
Cordelia frantically rushes to the wounded Thanatos' side. His skin around the bite is swollen with an angry red color and blood seeps from the numerous barb impact points on his body. He certainly looks ill. When his companions reach him however, he has but one thing to say:
"There had better have been some fae'n brew in here!"
"So, what all did you find?" asks Karyuu.
"If I'm being honest, which I am, I don't really feel like telling you. After all, neither of you came to assist!" says Thanatos sourly.
"Does that mean we don't have to tell you what we learned from our picnic guests here?" responds Karyuu with a smirk.
Thanatos lets out a defeated sigh. "Alright, if that's how you want to play it. We found some ancient, utterly inedible bread, a worn copy of The Birth of Vaelia, a dozen gold coins, and a bit of rope."
"What about the spider?" asks Karyuu
"What about it?" Thanatos responds, raising an eyebrow.
"By the Eight, are you wasteful or what?" Karyuu growls. "I shall return in a moment"
As Karyuu departs, he accidentally bumps into Thanatos, causing him to wince in pain.
"Wow, that spider really did a number on you, eh?" inquires Nina. She raises a small, obsidian and marble serpent icon and begins a chant.
"No need, thank you. We still have work to do today. I'd rather you not strain yourself by healing me when we are already resting for a bit. Leave it to the potions." Thanatos says, wincing all the while.
"Hmph. Well I do appreciate that. Whether it was out of genuine goodwill for me or because the healing burns like fire and you're a wuss, I guess I don't really care" replies Nina dismissively.
"Well, both the potions and your magic are both painful and unpleasant, but at least the healing potions are based in heavy spirits!" Thanatos says, grinning.
In the midst of this conversation, Alicern walks over with a homebrewed healing potion and a makeshift antidote for the spider's venom. "You're lucky that I'm the best alchemist I know. The antidote should deal with the poison within the day and the potion should be less severe than your generic general store healing potion. I don't think it's a wise idea to start out our bounty hunt with boozing." she says as she gingerly dabs the bite wound with a soaked cloth.
"Fair enough. Day drinking truly is an awful habit to get into." replies Thanatos.
As Alicern works, Karyuu returns with nearly the entire spider. "For Andoral's sake, could you at least try to show some sympathy and not haul that monster back on my face?" groans Thanatos. Karyuu chuckles, explaining his great expertise as a cook, as well as the practical applications of the barbs this species of spiders possess. Namely, use in traps and as fishing hooks.
After dousing his wound, Alicern passes Thanatos a brown, viscous liquid in a small mason jar.
"Well, bottom's up, I suppose" he says with a barely suppressed grimace. Just as he's about to down it, he stops himself. "Wait, what of the prisoners? I don't want to be feeling painful and nauseous before we decide what to do with them."
"They are hiding something. No matter how much I threaten them, they won't budge… I won't feel comfortable killing them until we get the information" Karyuu says bluntly. "I am inclined to agree" says Nina. "We need to find out what they know. Afterword, it seems smartest to kill them. Who's going to miss a few third-rate bandits?" she states.
"Who would've thought declaring your intention to kill someone might make them less likely to help you?" Thanatos says sarcastically. " In all seriousness, if they know something, we should give them a reason to tell us…" Thanatos turns to the bandits. "What are your stories? If I let you go, where would you go? What would you do?"
"We was both farm boys. Just peasants. Both of us lost our dads near the end of the war, and we never got a single gold piece from Altdorf or any Imperial coffer. After my ma had to sell my little sister to the fae'n Gnomes, we both left home and took it out on any Imperial we could find. Ended up moving out here because the hits were easy and there were plenty of others like us. Hell, our boss you put down was an Imperial himself. A deserter from the Guard. Shows how noble their lot is!" Podge says with much bitterness.
Jerrick chimes in "Now that our gang is finished, and your next target is our old boss, I suppose we gotta move somewhere else. We could probably work someone's land, we got the skills for it. As long as it's no Gnome." his eyes narrow "I'll die before I work for a Gnome!"
Thanatos nods. "I believe these men will not bring harm to more innocent lives. They were driven to desperation by a failure to deliver on the part of the Empire. They are not evil men at heart. Mercy should be offered to those who seek it."
"And what if they lie? Your naivety could spell doom for yet more innocents…Not to mention we ourselves may be set up for an ambush by letting these fools go." growls Karyuu.
"That is a risk I am willing to take." replies Thanatos.
"I don't suppose any decision we make right now really matters. Both of them are bleeding very badly, and won't make it far, even if we do let them go." Alicern notes.
"I believe I have a solution for that," says Cordelia, approaching the men. "Holy Estanna, Golden Patron of Righteousness, Nobility and Humility, may you pardon these lost ones their punishment, and allow for them to walk among us as new men!" She then gives them her two personal healing potions, to the surprise of everyone.
"By the Eight, I thought I was playing the part of the good guy!" exclaims Thanatos.
"I'll start brewing two more potions, I suppose…" shrugs Alicern. Karyuu says nothing, instead running his scaled hand across an amber stone on his chest. "Moradin's bane, this is foolish.." mutters Nina.
The two prisoners looked at each other, and then to the party, with tears in their eyes. They thanked them for the mercy shown and swore that they would never see them again, and planned on going back to farming. "As a parting gift, we have a piece of information you may find interesting…. In roughly three hours, a second bandit group should arrive at this spot. They are higher up the food chain than we were, meaning they might be able to get you specifics on Sandheaver" Jerrick claims.
"Well, this time for real. Bottom's up!" exclaims Thanatos, downing his fetid potion in unison with the prisoners. All of them gag and lie still in nauseous discomfort for a time, only for Thanatos to become roused by a delicious smell.
"Truly, today is a blessed day. I smell salted pork!" he says happily. After rummaging through the bandit's former supplies, he discovers half a dozen eggs, a loaf of sweetbread, and a great deal of salted pork. Enough for the party to have a truly luxurious breakfast at the start of a very busy day to come.
