Gilgamesh's eyes, as deep and red as the wine in his glass, narrowed as his lips curved into a predatory smirk.
"Kirei, how about it? I assure you that it will be a worthwhile experience."


Kirei leaned back in his chair with a sigh, eyes still glancing alternately at the telephone beside him, at the piece of paper in his hand, and at the empty ceiling of his room behind the church. What exactly did Archer expect from him? He scanned over the numbers on the page. Archer had probably acquired those through bribery, he reasoned. If even the King of Heroes was willing to go to so much trouble, perhaps it would be worth a try.

With a little anticipation in his heart, he picked up the phone and began to dial.

Maiya answered the call immediately, before the first ring even ended.
"Yes?"
"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"Eh? …"
"Go on a date with me."
"...Will you leave Kiritsugu alone if I do so?"
"...No."
"Then I refuse."
"I see. Goodbye."
Kirei sighed again. He had the feeling that the rest of them would go rather similarly.

Irisviel took quite a while to answer her cell phone. Homunculi were hardly associated with talent for using technology.
"Hello? What is it, Kiritsugu?"
"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"Ko-Kotomine...! What are you talking about? Also, weren't you after Kiritsugu?"
"...That's true. Goodbye."
"Wait-"
Kirei swiftly put the handset down as he read the next name and phone number on the list. That might be a little interesting, he hoped.
In the meantime, let us imagine this scene: Irisviel panics and yells into her cell phone for about a minute before giving up. Behind her, the King of Knights facepalms.

Kiritsugu also answered immediately, as though he were expecting a call or about to make one himself.
"Is this Kotomine Kirei?"
"...Yes."
"What was the meaning of your call to Maiya?"
"...Go on a date with me."
"I am aware that-"
"Go on a date with me."
Click.
Glaring at the telephone, Kirei mechanically dialled the next number on the list. Not much left to look forward to.

A servant seemed to have answered the call in Aoi's place.
"Tohsaka residence. How may I help you?"
"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"E-excuse me! A-are you looking for..."
"...I'm looking for Tohsaka Aoi."
"A-ah, I see, please wait a mo-moment..."
"Hello."
"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"...My, it isn't like you to joke, Kirei." Soft laughter.
"That wasn't a joke."
"...Now, Tokiomi wouldn't be happy to hear that. We should end this conversation."
"I see. Apologies."
That had in no way been a good idea, Kirei thought. He could just imagine, if Rin had picked up the phone- "LOLICON!"
The next one would probably be even worse, though.

Tokiomi took quite some time to - presumably - remember how a telephone worked and how to answer it.
"Hello. This is Tohsaka."
"This is Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"*choke* *splutter* *cough* *cough*...Pardon?"
"Go...go on a date with me."
"D-date!"
There was a rather distinctive, sparkling, golden, and undoubtedly ORIGINAL laugh somewhere in the background. Kirei promptly hung up.

Sola-ui answered the hotel telephone instead of Kayneth, thankfully.
"Hello?"
"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"Oh, sorry, I belong to someone else already...ehehehe..." Her blush was almost audible through the telephone.
"I see. Goodbye." That line was probably lost on her overheating mind.
As he hung the phone up, Kirei could not help but notice that the list he had been given was a little short on women. In fact, he seemed to have spoken to the last of them. In light of this, he considered giving up on his task, but Gilgamesh had been certain that the exercise would prove worthwhile.
If any of the rather distinctly male people on his list accepted his offer, he really did not know how to react.

Waver seemed quite familiar with modern technology for a magus. Just goes to show how much of a rebel he was.
"Hello?"
"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"Wh-what! Aren't you an enemy Master? What are you trying to do?"
"Nothing. So, go on a date with me."
"No way!" Strange, his blush was almost audible, too. What did a blush sound like, anyway?
"I see. Goodbye."
The next number belonged to...Caster's Master. What kind of insane words would he hear from that crazed murderer? Kirei idly wondered this as he dialled.

Ryuunosuke, wherever he was, apparently had mobile phone reception.
"Hello~!"
"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"Woah, that's COOOOL, Bluebeard! Ah, sorry, I can't hear you over the screaming. Let me go out for a sec. There's pretty bad reception in this tank thing, anyway."
"..." The phone quieted down. Kirei tried his best not to think about the rather...curious sounds he had been hearing.
"OK!"
"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"Che, you don't sound like a cute girl at all! Go away. Man, what a waste of time."
Beep. Ryuunosuke ended the call.
Somehow, the most insane individual seems to have given one of the most normal responses. Well, only if you pointedly ignore the noises in the background...

The next name was Kariya's. However, the number was not a mobile one, so the call obviously reached his (former) home, instead.
"Hello. This is the Matou estate."
"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."
"Hahahahaha, I never thought that this old man would hear that from anyone!"
"..." So it was Zouken. Ugh. That old magus should be drowned in formalin as a rare species. The only worm on Earth which could use a phone.
"Unfortunately, I really must refuse your offer. However, there is someone else who I can allow to accompany you."
"..." Unfortunately? He must have meant "fortunately". Perhaps there would be a chance to speak with Kariya, after all. That would be infinitely preferable to being with Zouken, although as a date...
Kirei grimaced. He was not looking forward to it at all.


[Kirei]
((Thanks for reading this far. Hope you found this entertaining. Next up: Kirei's date! There will be 3 different endings. They're all (to me) of equal value, but you'll probably like some more than others.))