I was glad to be in the middle of the fray and therefore be unable to see the rest of my party. Part of me was hoping for my own death- a release from the torment I felt inside. That would make a good story- people would most likely decide that the Champion of Kirkwall had nothing to do with the destruction of the chantry. Maybe in the legends told about me, my relationship with Anders would be swept under the rug. I would die in glorious combat defending the city. I would die a hero and Anders would die the villain. My anger was consuming me. I could feel it like a knot in my stomach, sending flurries of electricity through my body as I hacked, slashed and stabbed at the statues summoned by Meredith.
When Anders insisted that he would hurt me, I had imagined he meant only me. My own pain I could have dealt with, but the pain of thousands... the pain of an entire city... it was unimaginable. Before this fight, I had assured him that I would stand by him. Clearly this had surprised him. I did not believe that he guessed my underlying reason for my decision. If I had to tell him... it might kill him.
I had no idea what he might be thinking now, and part of me did not even want to know. I did know that if we managed to survive this battle, we would never be safe again. In fact, after this very battle we would almost certainly be attacked by the templars who were now aiding us. They would have to get through me to kill Anders. We would be constantly on the run and constantly fighting. One thing was certain; we would die together or we would live together. I would not live without him.
When we had defeated Meredith, I was astonished to see that the Templars, guided by Cullen, stepped back. They were clearly allowing us to leave. Every one of my party members froze. Nobody stirred. Finally, I nodded toward Cullen and turned, slowly making my way out of the courtyard. I did not look to see who was following, but knew that Anders would.
As we made our way back to the waiting boat, I gritted my teeth with determination, even as I began to limp with my wounds from the preceding battle. I must be tough and not show too much emotion. Dealing with my companions was going to hurt, and probably very badly. Undoubtedly, they would now abandon me. I would weather whatever happened. What was important was that Anders and I would escape the city together.
The captain looked frightened as we boarded, but said little. As we set off, I finally allowed myself a look around. Everyone had followed. All of them were a safe distance away from me. None of them would look me in the eye. Anders was crumpled on the deck, his head in his hands. Briefly, I wondered if he would ever recover. Would it have been less cruel to him to kill him when Sebastian had demanded it?
My anger rose again as I remembered how Sebastian had threatened the lives of the entire city to kill "my precious Anders." It was a miracle that I had not attacked him on the spot. How could anyone expect me to turn so suddenly on the love of my life, regardless of what he had done? I stared off into the water. I would deal with Anders later.
After a few moments, I felt a hand on my shoulder, a small comfort. "Hawke, I..." It was Varric. "I have to say this first, so don't stop me." I turned slowly to face him. "I don't blame you. Don't act like it's not what you're thinking. I know you didn't have a hand in what he did, and I've seen your devotion to him. And, I don't..." He sighed heavily, "I don't blame you for keeping him with you."
"Thank you." I meant it wholeheartedly. "I can't ask you to come with us. I don't ask you to understand..."
"Of course I'm coming with you. You need my help to get out of here. And dammit, you're the best friend I've ever had. I hate you for making me say that, by the way." I cracked a small smile. It was the best that I could do. With that, Varric turned around and gave me my space.
No one else approached me during the trip back to the city. As we neared the shore, I stood up and gestured for my party to gather around me. "I don't know how long of a reprieve the templars will give us. I will go to my house, gather what I can, and leave the city. I'll never come back. Anyone who wants to come with us is welcome. If you wish to go a separate way, I don't blame you. I mean that."
"Us?" Aveline stepped forward. "You mean to take Anders with you? You would do that? He has to face what he did! You had no part in this-"
"No one will believe that, Aveline." Undaunted, she continued.
"I will turn him in so that he can face what he deserves"
"No." I said quietly, meeting her eyes. "I will not let you."
"You won't let me? I could arrest both of you! You are aiding a murderer!" Her face reddened, she was clearly outraged.
"We're all murderers."
"He murdered innocents! How can you stand by him?" I sighed heavily.
"Aveline, he... he is my husband." Everyone with in earshot gasped, expect for Varric, who had been our witness. This had been our secret for nearly two years. Anders had made me vow to keep it quiet, but now I felt no need to keep it.
"He is what?" She sputtered.
"He is my heart. Without him, my life is nothing. Imagine it were you in my place and Donnic in his. Could you kill him? Could you turn him into the law knowing that it would also mean his death?" I felt tears welling in my eyes.
"That's not a fair question. Donnic would never do such a thing."
"I would have said the same thing of Anders this morning." I did not care that the subject of our conversation could hear everything that we were saying.
"I... stand for the law."
"Aveline, you have been a dear friend. I love you. But what you ask of me is not something that I could ever do. I will leave with him and you will let me... or I will have to..." my voice choked. I was failing at keeping emotion at bay. "You know what I will have to do. Please don't push me." She took a step back.
"I will not go with you, but I can't stay here either. If I fail to return him, I won't be above suspicion. May I stay with you until you are a safe distance away?"
"Of course." I responded, finally letting myself breathe again. I had made my point. But I couldn't help but think that I would still need to watch out for Anders. Aveline had never deceived me before, but I had a feeling that this matter may be a special situation.
