Author's note: If you like pirates, and have wondered what Sephiroth would be like as a pirate captain, well here's your answer! By the way, Tess Blackheart is my pirate self. Why does she have cat ears and the ability to control air? Come on! This is the world of Final Fantasy, with talking cats, 8-foot swords, and vampires with metal arms!
Rin Mushuuda, the deranged fanfic/manga-ka sat in front of her computer. "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" blasted out of the computer's speakers (just to give you all an idea of my work conditions). As she sat playing with a suction cup, she stared at a blank screen. The blank page of Microsoft Word stared back.
"Aha! The Rabid Trio of Muse Kitties strikes back!" she cried, sticking the suction cup to her forehead. The young fanfic/manga-ka began typing. "But I think I'll call him Nanaki, cuz it's easier to capitalize," she mumbled.
"Final Fantasy Piratism" appeared on the screen.
Chapter 1: Deaf Ninjas
A large wooden ship sat in a hidden harbor. Trees framed the view as a slight breeze blew around the pure white sand. A lone figure walked out of the trees and onto the beach. The being flicked some long brown hair out of her face, as the breeze blew her leather trench coat about. Not exactly proper attire for an aspiring pirate, but oh well. She turned her yellow eyes on the ship. Her cat ears twitched.
"Ah, my beautiful ship! A marvelous day for a sail, is it not?" she said in her educated British accent. She walked towards the ship. "I think today is the day I will find a crew, my lovely Scourge."
She turned to the trees, and raised her hands. The wind whipped around, creating whitecaps on the waves, and several small tornadoes full of the white sand.
Suddenly, the trees shook as Sephiroth, Cloud, Nanaki, Cait Sith, Vincent, and, for some reason, 6 black Chocobos came walking out of them, looking rather lost.
"Welcome to my cove! This is my ship Scourge. I am the dread pirate Tess Blackheart, and you lot are my crew. Normally I would be the captain, but just for fun I am handing captaincy over to Sephiroth. On one condition. He makes me first mate, and I deal out torture and punishments," she said, looking at Sephiroth, who nodded. "Right! Now that that's settled, let's set sail!"
They all eagerly boarded the ship; curious as to what Tess was like, the punishmentstorture, and Sephiroth's skills as a pirate captain. Once they were all on board, Sephiroth placed positions.
"Well, we already know Tess is the first mate/quartermaster, so Cloud will be… slave driver!" He looked at Tess. "You do have slaves, right?"
"Yep! Shinra so… graciously… volunteered," she replied with a malicious grin. "ALL the Shinra."
"Good. Nanaki will be… hmm… lookout."
"Aye, aye, Cap'n Sephiroth, sir!" yelled Nanaki as he scurried up the mast to the crow's nest.
"Vincent will be… gunman. And Cait Sith will be… uh… the… um… hmm… just sit tight, cuz I don't know where to put you. Hey wait a minute. What's with the chocobos?"
"They're for whenever we have to go ashore."
"Smart thinking."
"You guys aren't my first crew. The first lot of stinkin' bilge-rats left. Hey! I know what to do with Cait Sith!"
"Oh? What?" Sephiroth asked, looking a mite cynical.
"Steersman."
Soon the pirate ship was under full sail and heading out to sea. Nanaki regularly walked around the perimeter of the crow's nest, to better keep an eye out for frigate and galleon ships, typically loaded with gil and Materia. If one walked by the galley, one could nearly hear Cloud's yells of "Stroke, you Shinra dogs, stroke!" Cait Sith blithely steered the massive sloop, as Tess and Sephiroth headed up to Sephiroth's quarters. Once they were inside, Sephiroth shut the door and the two of them sat at the table. They looked at a map of the Planet's seas, and compared it with a map of trade routes.
"If we go this way, we run the risk of encountering Cid Highwind and the remainder of AVALANCHE," Tess said.
"Yes, but they carry lots of materia, and one of them, a materia thief/ninja named Yuffie Kisaragi, may be of use to us," Sephiroth objected.
"But there are only six Chocobos!"
"Uh… Cloud informed me a little while ago that another black chocobo snuck on board…."
"Sigh… fine. We'll go that way."
They exited Sephiroth's cabin and approached Cait Sith.
"Cait Sith! Set a course for 42 degrees east and 90 degrees north!"
"Aye, aye, Cap'n!"
Soon they came in sight of a small, floating object. Nanaki looked at it, and hung his head over the side of the crow's nest. "Tiny Bronco off the port side, ma Capitane!" he yelled.
"Cait Sith! Get it in range of the long nines! Vincent, long nines with chain shot on the port side!"
"If I may object…" Tess said.
"Hold that thought, Vince!" Sephiroth yelled. "What?" he said, looking at Tess.
"Firing chain shot at the Tiny Bronco would be a waste of good chain shot, sir. As a plane, it has no mast. Chain shot is for the removal of a mast to cripple a ship, sir," she replied.
"Vincent! Nix the chain shot!" Sephiroth barked.
"Aye, aye Cap'n!"
Tess pulled a telescope out of her coat pocket and peered through it. "It looks like it's just Cid, Yuffie, and Aeris, Cap'n Sephiroth. Advise running up the yellow flag for sickness!"
Sephiroth looked puzzled. "Why? No one's ill."
Tess looked at him. "It's a form of deceit. Hoping they know the meaning of a yellow flag, the victim sees it, thinks we need medical help, comes to offer assistance, and then bob's your uncle we run up the Jolly Roger at the last possible moment! Then we attack! It's an old pirate trick."
Sephiroth nodded approvingly. "Hey Nanaki! You got the flags up there?"
"Yeah," Nanaki replied.
"Good! Run up the yellow one!"
Confused, but loyal to his captain, Nanaki obediently rose the yellow flag.
Meanwhile, onboard the Tiny Bronco, Cid spotted the yellow flag. He turned to Yuffie.
"Yuffie! Steer us to that ship! They need medical help!" he yelled.
"Right away!"
The tiny plane began drifting to the ship.
The crew of the Scourge watched eagerly as the Tiny Bronco drifted closer and closer. The ship's long nines were cunningly disguised as portholes, and Vincent walked behind each one, making sure it was working properly. The long nines on the Scourge were massive air guns. As a result, they were utterly silent.
Nanaki watched the plane draw nearer and nearer from the crow's nest. He knew there would be a fight soon, so he climbed out of the crow's nest and stood next to Tess. Cloud held the sla- I mean, volunteers still, as Cait Sith did the same with the rudder. Tess whispered something in Sephiroth's ear. He looked at her disbelievingly. She nodded vigorously.
Sephiroth told Vince to tell Cloud and the slaves to hide, and then hide. The others hid; Tess in a coil of rope (it was a big rope, and she's a small pirate), Sephiroth hid behind some cannonballs, Cait Sith hid in the shadows and pretended to be turned off, and Nanaki skittered up one of the masts. It's a funny thing, but when someone is looking for you, they almost never look up.
Cid, Yuffie, and Aeris boarded the ship, and looked around.
"Why's it so… I dunno… empty?" whispered Yuffie.
"Maybe they're all dead," Aeris whispered back.
"Would you stop the f-----g whispering? That kind of s--t drives me mad!" Cid said loudly.
Tess poked her head out of the rope and looked at Sephiroth. She nodded to him. He crept out from behind the cannonballs, and she hopped out of the rope and hid behind it.
"What?" Sephiroth whispered.
"Go tell Cait Sith, Vincent, and Cloud to get out of their current hiding places and hide behind the cannonballs. Oh, and tell Cloud to keep that pointy head of his down!" she whispered back.
"What about Nanaki? And why am I taking orders from my first mate, who should be taking orders from me?"
"I can manipulate the air currents, so I'll sort of… fly up to him. Why do you think we haven't stopped moving, even when Cloud allowed the slaves a break and there was no wind? And I have more pirating experience and expertise than you."
"Ah."
Sephiroth crept off to tell them what to do. Tess floated up to Nanaki on a pillar of air and told him to get down behind the cannonballs. He nodded, and crawled down. When they were all behind the cannonballs, Sephiroth told them why they were hiding behind the cannonballs.
"They will inevitably come back by here, when they can't find us. And when they do, we ambush them! And we take Yuffie prisoner, since she's already a thief and will be useful. Cait Sith, you use your megaphone to deafen them, Cloud, you grab Yuffie, Nanaki, you push Cid into the sea, Vincent and Tess, grab Yuffie. Specifically, Tess, you grab Yuffie and hold her down, and Vincent holds her at gunpoint. I'll push Aeris into the sea. Got it? Good," he explained.
Soon the hapless trio wandered by the cannonballs. At that point, screaming and yelling fit to wake the dead, Sephiroth's crew leapt out of their spot and deftly carried out their orders. Cait Sith screamed into his megaphone at a pitch usually reserved for calling dogs, Nanaki grabbed Cid and chucked him overboard, Cloud grabbed Yuffie, passed her to Tess, who knocked her over and held her on her back as Vincent leveled his gun at the back of her head, and Sephiroth unceremoniously shoved Aeris overboard. He walked up to the ninja.
"Well, well, well, Yuffie. I see you fell into our trap," Sephiroth said.
"WHAT? YOU SAY YOU LIKE TO RAP?" she yelled.
"YOU FELL INTO OUR TRAP!"
"YUFFIE'S INTO RAP? I'M YUFFIE, AND I HATE RAP!"
Sephiroth growled. "Cloud, throw her in the brig until she gets her hearing back!"
"WHAT? PROUD OF FEARING JACK? WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT JACK, AND WHY'S HE SO FRIGHTENING?"
