Chapter One: But I'll Never Know
Yukiko locks her fingers around the fence's chains and watches the rest of the world continue on without her.
Valentine's Day is a day for heartbreak, Yukiko decides then; that was the rule, and Ebihara – or, more importantly, Souji – is the exception.
She leans her forehead against the cold metal and can feel the rough edges through her bangs, but neglects to move because she just wants sleep this feeling away as soon as she can.
It doesn't work, though: there's an easy breeze and Yukiko can't sleep unless she's wrapped tight under a few blankets, let alone when she's standing on a hill in her school uniform, her jacket left behind.
Instead she sighs, long and slow and reedy, and opens her eyes but doesn't really see anything at all.
She's so lost inside her head – she feels like she's at the bottom of a frigid, dark ocean – that when she hears a voice coming from right beside her, she can't remember exactly what she was thinking at all.
She looks to the side blankly, but doesn't say anything. Naoto, looking unreadably stoic as always, waits a moment before saying, "Amagi-san?"
Yukiko, in turn, answers back after a pause. "Naoto-kun." And she doesn't think to say anything else, because at the moment, she can't remember ever having a conversation with Naoto.
"You – are – " she hesitates, then goes from evasive to frank. "You didn't answer me the first three times."
"Sorry. I didn't hear you," Yukiko apologises, and she wonders if her voice sounds thin to Naoto as well.
Naoto's face betrays nothing, as usual. "Well, I've – I'm here. On Yosuke-senpai's directive."
Some part of Yukiko wonders if Yosuke is trying to help her somehow, but the notion brings more trouble than aid: how does Yosuke know, what does he think, and why send Naoto instead of Chie?
Suddenly Yukiko desperately wishes Chie came instead.
"What did he say?"
When Naoto doesn't answer – just watches her – Yukiko starts to ask again before Naoto speaks. "He said you asked to see me. For the – ah, the chocolate?"
The way Naoto asks it more than says it tells Yukiko that she's equally lost, and right now just isn't a good time to be putting up with Yosuke's jokes.
Somehow, Yukiko knows she won't joking around for a long time.
As she tries to tell Naoto as kindly as possible to just please leave me alone, I just want to be alone, Naoto speaks at the same time: "Not that I come expecting any, it's just – ah, I didn't mean to cut you off."
"No, please," Yukiko insists despite herself.
"After you, I – "
"Please."
Naoto hesitates. "I hadn't planned to come, but Yosuke-senpai said you asked anyone who didn't receive chocolate from you to come see you, and I didn't want to offend your kind gift."
Well, that backfired twice – trying to give Souji his chocolate alone – and Yukiko feels mostly embarrassed by it now.
She looks back through the fence links. "I'm – sorry, I didn't mean – "
"No matter," Naoto says as if it's just a missing pen, but maybe she's just saving Yukiko the excuse. "I'll be on my way, then."
She pauses, and Yukiko sees her nod from the corner of her sight before walking off, the crisp crunch of dry grass underfoot.
And Yukiko is alone again, but the feeling of it never left her. She stays like that, and can't say for how long when each moment feels like it doesn't ever end.
Then something warm and heavy falls on her shoulders, and Yukiko jerks away and throws her back to the cold fence. Naoto stands in front of her, hands held up and fingers curling, and her jacket is crumpled on the ground between them.
"You weren't answering me again," Naoto says, sounding at the same time upfront and childishly caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "And you looked cold."
It takes Yukiko a bit to connect the dots – because since when does Shirogane Naoto offer her coat to anyone? – but when she does, she steels herself thinking it's a personal problem she'd rather suffer alone.
"Thank you, but I'm fine," she says, sounding detached to herself but she hopes she doesn't sound as cold as she feels.
Naoto looks like she wants to say something, but she stays quiet and picks up her coat instead, dusting it off. Yukiko's good upbringing tells her she should have done that, and it's enough to push her out of her wallowing to say, "I'm sorry, Naoto-kun. I – I was cold."
It's not a lie, the growing bitter part of Yukiko thinks, and anyway, Naoto prides herself on being right on her deductions.
Naoto, none the wiser for once, holds her jacket out. "Not a problem. Here: you'll catch a cold standing out here."
Yukiko, trapped between a jacket and a hard fence, resolves to the fact that she can't stay stumbling through her sadness and expect it to get better.
Although, at this point, she doesn't expect it will ever get better.
So Yukiko takes Naoto's jacket and wraps herself in it like it's a child's blanket: it's almost too small, but there's comfort in its softness and its sentiment.
"Thank you," she whispers, and pulls back against the fence.
Naoto nods, slowly and distracted, because she's busy watching – observing – Yukiko. Silence settles between them, and Yukiko nestles deeper into the jacket until she's breathing the subtle scent of cologne.
Naoto begins to speak when Yukiko does – they can't seem to stop that – and just bows her head to let Yukiko resume.
"It's – this," she sniffles, and she feels like she's crying. "Why cologne?"
Naoto's eyebrow's shoot up the way they do when someone calls her out on a secret, and mumbles before pursing her lips.
Yukiko prompts her on; anything's better than stewing away in her own head. "Hmm?"
"Aftershave."
"Aren't they the same?"
"No," Naoto says at once, sounding defensive. "Aftershave is a formulation – " But she stops, puts her hand on her hip, and switches into a tone of voice that's better at simple explanations. "Aftershave is beneficial for the skin. It contains Aloe Vera, and very little perfume."
Yukiko nods, and remembers her father's distaste for strong fragrances. She then wonders if Souji's ever liked cologne.
"Is that why your skin is so soft?" Yukiko asks instead of getting lost in her circle of thoughts again.
"No – well, perhaps. It," Naoto waves her hand in a circle. "It helped with the illusion."
Of being a boy. A lot of thoughts come with that one: boys were stronger, better at hiding their emotions, better at breaking hearts.
"Rise-chan would love to know that," Yukiko mumbles, and it's getting harder to talk about things that don't hurt her to think of. "She always wanted to know why you never get acne."
"Refrain from mentioning it," Naoto grumbles, and says nothing more about it.
It leaves them both quiet again, and Yukiko thinks that's the worst part: even when she's with other people, she feels pressingly alone.
Yukiko looks out at the distance to her right: a grassy hill rolling out to the sparse town she's so familiar with. She feels like a stranger to it, and her old longing to escape it comes back over her like an overcast.
The person who helped her find peace with that is the one she's not with.
"I'll have to keep repeating myself, won't I?"
Yukiko looks back at Naoto, who doesn't seem at all perturbed; instead, there's a vacant look in her eyes, and Yukiko doesn't know what it means.
But he has this mysterious air around him that draws your attention, Yukiko hears herself saying, but it was all wrong anyway: Naoto is neither a he nor mysterious, but she is staring Yukiko down.
Then, almost too quick for Yukiko to catch, Naoto's expression looks just like it did when she turned down the Team – for 'mulling things over' the first day they attend school together – before going impassive again.
"Well, I should take my leave," she says, tugging at the bill of her hat. "Until tomorrow."
"Bye," Yukiko whispers, but Naoto doesn't do more than drop her hand and turn around. Before Yukiko can decide if she wants to be left alone in the end, Naoto looks back over her shoulder.
She pauses, then – as if she's giving in – says, "It doesn't take a detective to know you're…not okay."
Yukiko only half-shrugs.
Naoto turns only halfway. "But I suppose it would take a friend to help you…Did you want me to call Satonaka-san?"
If she's honest, hearing about Chie makes Yukiko want to be so alone that the world forgets her. And anyway, either Naoto's shirking the responsibility or she's still under the impression that after struggling to the end of the town's biggest murder case, they're still not friends.
But then, crazy murder cases and life-threatening sorts of things are commonplace for Naoto, aren't they?
"You can call her from my phone if you forgot yours in your jacket at school." Naoto holds her phone out to Yukiko – a large, not flip-phone kind of phone that leaves a business-like impression. "But I'll have to confess, I don't have her number."
"No thank you, Naoto-kun, please – "
"I could go and seek her out if you'd rather – "
"Naoto, I want to be alone," Yukiko bites out, sounding pitchy to her own ears. "Please."
Without another word, Naoto slips her phone into her back pocket, and crosses her arms. And Yukiko hopes that's the end of the conversation, that Naoto will leave and she'll be alone again until she can pull herself together enough to go home and pretend everything's okay.
But Naoto seems to have a habit of doing hasty things to prove a point – like getting kidnapped by a murderer at large – and now lets out a deep breath and looks sidelong at the arcing sun.
"The afternoon trains should be leaving soon. We could…catch one," Naoto suggests like they're going to catch a movie run before the ads finish.
Running away from the things that trap her in is something Yukiko has learned to overcome, but old habits die hard, Souji is running around with other people anyway, and frankly, Naoto's being so aggressively friendly it's difficult.
"What time does the bus leave?" Yukiko asks wearily, slipping her arms into Naoto's coat and closing the distance between them.
Naoto, as she starts walking at Yukiko's side, shakes her head and mumbles under her breath. "I say jump, you ask how high."
It's not that Yukiko's expecting to be blown into a whirlwind adventure of chasing trains and finding ancient secret that show her a new perspective on life – not even before she chose to stay with the inn – but she is less than satisfied with the weedy conversation that leads them to the train station without event.
She even hoped that maybe Naoto would decide she has better things to do with her time than to humour a trip uptown with a sad girl.
Instead, Yukiko finds herself staring down the back of Naoto's hat, wishing she'd kept her head on and stayed grieving on the hilltop.
"We could visit the Ueno Prairies," Naoto suggests. Yukiko half expects her to ask if they should get fries with that, too.
Chie would.
Chie would also know enough things to talk about to keep them both busy, maybe even laughing.
Yukiko isn't ungrateful; she's miserable and trying not to be, but she's not ungrateful. Equally, Naoto's not as much as a friend as she is a friend of a friend.
"We could visit the Ueno Prairies," Naoto says again, as if she hadn't said it the first time.
Yukiko shrugs; she doesn't know a lot of places outside of Inaba except for big cities that are too far and far too busy. "We could just go to Osaka."
Naoto purses her lips into a tight frown. "There wouldn't be a point in taking the train there, even if there was a station. You should take the chance to go somewhere far."
You, Yukiko hears. Because Naoto's been to so many cities – maybe even out of the country – and a big-city girl like her doesn't need to be soothed by simple sights.
But then, Yukiko doesn't know if Naoto's from the city. She could be from Sapporo, or Shibuya, or even Inaba-born by some twist of fate.
"Maybe we could go to your home or something," Yukiko says, and she thinks it's the longest sentence she's said to Naoto all day, if not all year.
Naoto looks away from the listings. "You mean my residence here, or the estate?"
"No – " It feels weird to be asking Naoto anything personal, Yukiko reflects. " – where you were born."
"Ah. I wasn't born anywhere a simple train could take us," Naoto replies, looking almost amused.
It takes Yukiko a moment to remember that Naoto won't share much if she isn't asked to. "Were you born in another country, then? Hong Kong?"
"No." Naoto shakes her head. She hesitates and looks away. "I was actually born in France. In Paris, like my mother."
That comes as beyond a surprise to Yukiko; the things Naoto chooses not to share. "Paris? Really?"
Naoto hums a short laugh. She still hasn't looked back, but the way she's looking out at the shy – in a very un-Naoto fashion, eyes looking unfocused – gives Yukiko the impression that Naoto wasn't entirely in the conversation.
"Yes, really. She – my mother – was actually native French, for generations."
For a moment, Yukiko is more fascinated than sad. "So you're French too, then? Can you speak it?"
Naoto's pulled away from her reverie by the question. "Well, half. My father – the Shiroganes have all been purely Japan-born and raised. He spoke Japanese, and my mother spoke French, but both knew enough English to – " she shrugs " – know each other better."
Yukiko nods, picturing two vastly different strangers speaking foreign, broken words under the Eifel Tower. The thought should have made her laugh.
"I don't remember more than a few words now, but I've been told that, as a child, I was always speaking between the three tongues interchangeably. But when my grandfather took me in…"
Yukiko expects Naoto to stay quiet after that, and wouldn't have minded it if she did.
Instead, Naoto shrugs, and looks back at Yukiko with those analyzing eyes. "He never quite approved of the same things my father did."
She doesn't know what to process first: what Naoto said, or the fact that she said it. Because Yukiko doesn't know if she's ever heard anything nearly so personal from Naoto, and she doubts most people have either.
She doesn't mean to tell Naoto this, but she does: "You've never told me anything about yourself."
Naoto makes a face. "I suppose…I'm not very accustomed to sharing personal information; I usually work strictly business." A fact that shows when her idea of helping Yukiko is dragging her out of town aimlessly. "As it would seem, you've a way with making me share these stories."
Yukiko disagrees. "Oh?"
"At Club Escapade, during the school trip." Naoto says it like Yukiko should know. She doesn't. "When-when you asked me for an…a story? During the…game?"
Yukiko's drawing a blank, as she always does concerning the night at the club. "I don't remember much from it. I fell asleep so quick, remember?"
A moment of silently blinking, and Naoto simply chirps, "Very well."
Before Yukiko can ask what she asked before, Naoto speaks up – they're talking over each other again, and Yukiko lets Naoto continue. "We'll miss all the trains at this rate. If I may, I propose we take – "
A train whistle rings, and doors close loudly nearby.
" – that one?"
And then Yukiko feels a profound, shared moment occur between them: both she and Naoto watch a worker ensure no one is standing too close to the platform's rim as the train ever so slowly begins to depart.
She thinks they have the same thing on their minds, and that they mutually choose to shut it down because it's silly. Chasing after the train is silly. Now they have an excuse to call it a day, go their separate ways, and Yukiko can sit at home and work until she forgets herself.
But then they look at each other, then back at the train, and then they're trying not to look back at one another.
As they've made a habit of lately, they speak over each other.
"Let's run after it," Yukiko says, because she wants to get away.
"Should we run?" Naoto asks, and Yukiko knows it's because she's uncertain of everything.
And before they've decided anything, Yukiko runs into the sharp winter air. Everything around her – the small town, the people in it – blurs as it falls behind, and the train pulls away from the landing.
But right now, everything is in motion, and Yukiko is wants to be done with letting things get away from her. She makes it to the edge and grabs at the railing of the back observation deck, but her fingers slip off the metal and sting from the impact.
She stops running – or else risks falling over the tracks – just as she sees Naoto zip past her like a bullet and, in one fluid motion, lunge.
It's an astounding image, Yukiko reflects, watching Naoto clutch her hat down on her head with one hand and soar airborne with her legs curling.
Astounding still is when the train continues on, faster now, and Naoto only reaches the railing on the closing arc of her jump, hitting it mid-body and tumbling onto the deck with the grace of a dead duck.
As she launches into a run again, Yukiko opts not to tell Naoto that, if she were a boy, she'd be wishing she wasn't right then.
The train's picking up speed, and Yukiko doubts she can make it – Naoto seems out of commission for the time being – but she's not ready for things to go wrong again, and she doesn't even want to be in the same town as Souji right now.
Yukiko grabs the railing, still running, and grips tighter despite how cold it is before springing up and landing her flats in the spaces between the rail posts.
With that, she's on the train going anywhere.
Yukiko takes a few easy, panting breaths, and watches the Yasoinaba Station shrink in the distance. The wind bites at her face while she feels her fingers numbing from the cold, and for someone who wields fire by TV day and sleeps under the kotatsu with an extra blanket by night, it's the first sign of change.
She draws herself over the railing, mindful of her skirt, and approaches Naoto, who is just starting to uncurl herself and is still dusted red in the face.
She rolls her head over and looks at Yukiko with hazy eyes. "I deduce that I am in excruciating pain as a result of breaking most my bones."
Yukiko giggles – she's not laughing yet – and offers Naoto a hand. "We made it."
Naoto hovers her hand up a bit, then drops it like dead weight. "There's still a long way to go."
Yukiko knows that – someone might ask for tickets they don't have, and their still speeding off to a destination they don't know – but for now, she smiles wryly. "It gives you time to tell me about your parents. How they met, how they made it – everything. It sounds like a movie."
"Regretfully, I don't know everything," Naoto mutters, and it's almost eaten by the wind. "As soon as I recover, I can share what I do know."
That's fine, Yukiko thinks as hushing winds envelop them. Because when the heartache never goes away, she can tell it's going to be a long day, every day.
Buttoning Naoto's coat and dipping her nose into the high collar, Yukiko leans her shoulder against the rails, locks her fingers around posts, and watches the rest of the world continue on without her.
A/N: Part 1 of 2, if you will. But tell me, how's part 1 looking, reader?
