Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any quoted materials (which have been given credit below).


Chapter 1. Birth


"...mothers are humans. who
sometimes give birth to their pain. instead of children."

-Nayyirah Waheed, salt.


Useless. Weak. Pathetic.

Fucking useless. Inept. Stupid, stupid woman.

That's all she could think most days. The insults a single track running on endless loop through her mind. Stupid. Hopeless. Good for nothing.

The rhythms changed. Sometimes it was with the clacking of her feet on the hospital floor, faster. Pa-the-tic. Sometimes it was to the beat of her heart in her ear resting on the pillow at night, slow and steady. Pow-er-less. Cow-ard-ly.

Today, it was as she braced herself against the edge of a hospital bed, her breath ventilating all too quickly as she bent over in pain, trying to calm the contraction wracking her body. Each syllable came with the erratic inhales and exhales.

Uselessfuckingidiotweakbitch—

"Sakura, it's time to push. We've waited as long as we can." Her usual nickname for her pink-haired friend was absent; Ino was pleading. Begging. As she had been for the last two hours.

Tears edged Sakura's eyes, blurring the vision of her hands tangled in the white bedsheets; she shook her head. "No. No, no...no..." Her voice didn't sound like her own. Or it did, but not in a way she'd heard in a long time. She sounded like a child again. Small, fragile, and scared. Not of much use to anyone. Even her own baby.

"Uchiha Sakura." A snappish tone filled with no mercy. She knew it was her mentor. "If you don't sit your ass down on that bed and start pushing this instant, I will sedate you and rush an emergency c-section." Sakura blubbered in response, crying unintelligibly. No, please no. "Then don't make me, girl. Your child is about to go into distress. You both could very well die, and I will take extreme measures to prevent that. Declare you temporarily insane if I have to."

Leave it to Tsunade to not sugar coat a single thing. Even if it was to her former student having a panic attack in the middle of labor.

Sakura kept saying things that didn't make sense to the other two women in the room. She can't do this. She can't have a baby. She can't take care of it. Especially a Uchiha baby. She couldn't protect the last Uchiha before, so how the hell could anyone expect her to now? Ino's hands were on her shoulders, trying their best to run reassuring circles that matched her words, but nothing, no one, was getting through to Sakura. They all knew what she needed, but no force in the world could grant her most painful desires, making the reality that much colder.

In her haze, she dimly became aware of a commotion outside the room. Banging and the muffled shouts of a distinct, scratchy male voice. One she'd known for a couple decades.

The door almost broke off its hinges as a flurry of blonde, silver, white robes, and orange jumpsuit tumbled like a wheel into the sterile, beige room.

"You can't keep me from her—!"

"Naruto, she doesn't need this—!"

The dust settled with one pissed off Rokudaime pinning his knee to the chest of one equally pissed off jinchuriki. "I am your Hokage, and this is an order to back the hell off—"

Naruto made a lewd gesture with his finger. "Up yours, Kaka-sensei!"

"You ASSHOLES."

Both men went rigid, and their necks creaked to view the dark figure of Shizune in the doorway, her fury practically rolling off of her in waves; the small pig in her arms only mirrored her demeanor. "I told you to keep your voices DOWN and stay OUT OF FUCKING SIGHT."

The air seemed sucked out of the room. No one - well, except Tsunade - had ever heard the woman so much as mutter "damn" under her breath, let alone the expletives she hurled at the current Hokage and future Hokage. All for the sake of a hysterical Sakura. They didn't have much faith in Naruto keeping a level head when his friend was in such unimaginable distress, and after Kakashi had heard that his favorite former student was not..coping well...with labor, to put it lightly, he had taken it upon himself to try to keep his number one unpredictable former student at bay, lest his own anxiety compound hers.

Naruto, both bewildered and guilelessly defensive, started to respond to the livid woman in the doorway, as well as the displeased looks from the others, when Sakura gave another shuddering cry that returned all focus to her.

"N-naruto, help...p-please..."

The vulnerable weeping of his teammate was the strongest of all magnetic pulls to the young man, only barely beaten by his wife's. And that was just barely. Not even Kakashi could keep him from her any longer, and he didn't try to resist as Naruto ungracefully freed himself, stumbling to Sakura. Ino glowered but made room for him, and his hands were immediately on her round waist as he leaned close to her ear.

"Everything's alright, Sakura-chan," he murmured warmly. "I'm here. We're all right here. It's okay."

His strength and kindness had always been infectious, but in this moment, it was Sakura's only lifeline, the single thing keeping her tethered.

"N-Naruto..." Everything hurt so blindly, she could barely form words and nothing close to coherent ideas. "N-Naruto, please don't make me. Please." Some part of her mind knew that it wasn't rational, and none of this would pan out, yet she still prayed that one person would be on her side; one person would understand that she simply could not do this. And, if there was anyone left alive who would go to hell and back for her - several times over - it was him.

"Make you what?"

Ino tried to turn her whisper inaudible, but their proximity gave her away. "She's been refusing to push. For hours. I think it's because...well, you know."

A silence ensued. Naruto kept gliding his hands along the sides of her belly, her waist, as she knew he was deep in thought, already trying to develop a plan. She also knew he was doing his best to be the stand-in for the man who couldn't be there. Who never would be. Because of her. And her uselessweakpatheticstupid-

"Ya know, Sakura-chan." He was close to her face again, his breath rustling the sweat-matted hair lightly; it was relieving. "Did I ever tell you what teme said the night you got married?"

The crass name left her with the urge to smile in nostalgia as much as it made her heart wince. She shook her head in answer.

"Oh, man! I should have told you..." He chuckled. "Teme was so nervous. Even though it was such a small ceremony. At least compared to mine." Of course, he still had to continue making comparisons between the two of them. "He kept asking me such silly questions. 'What if she changes her mind?' 'What if she realizes she can do so much better?' And bunch of other self deprecating crap."

Sakura could have laughed and wailed for the image he conjured of her jittery husband-to-be, dressed in a suit their former sensei practically forced on him. The last Uchiha was often irritable when nervous; she was surprised there were no punches thrown between he and Naruto that night. Well. At least none that she knew of.

"I told him to calm down, of course you love him, the past is the past and yadda yadda." His voice dropped lower as he seemed to be reserving the rest of the story only for her. "And then you know what he said?"

He actually waited for her to respond. She shook her head again.

"He stopped all his pacing, and he looked me dead in the eye and said, 'I love her. I really love her. But I'm like a demon she dragged out of hell. Who does that? What kind of a person can love a demon?'"

He let his words sink in. When he didn't continue, she whispered, "What d-did you say?"

Naruto almost snickered as he answered, "I said, 'An angel would, teme. Only an angel could love your demonic dumbass.'"

Finally, something warm cracked into Sakura's chest, and her lips quirked up in an attempt at a smirk. "That's one hell of a corny line, baka."

She peered over her shoulder and was greeted with his biggest closed-eyed grin. "Worked though, didn't it?" Gradually, the grin faded, and one hand reached out to cup her cheek, maintaining their connected gaze. "Sakura-chan, you're the bravest person I know. You have loved Sasuke your whole life, and even though he's gone, you're here, ya know? You're here having his baby, and he would be so fucking proud of you, ya know?"

No, he wouldn't. She wanted to say. He was on some ethereal plane, enraged at her for threatening the life of their child because she was so. damn. weak. And pathetic.

And annoying.

Her tears came hot and fast as ever. "I can't, Naru-"

"Yes. You can."

She pulled her head away from his hand, burying her face in the sheets as she finally admitted what had been clawing at her since the day her husband died.

"I n-need him, Naruto. I can't d-do this without him. I c-can't do anything without him."

She could hear every single person's breath in the room for a split second. And the beginnings of encouraging words reminding her that she could do this. But then, all she could hear was the sound of blood pounding harshly in her ears, overwhelming and catching her off guard. She tried to stand upright much too quickly, and her friend instinctively caught her swaying body. He was saying...something. Briefly, she looked around and saw the horrified expressions of her comrades, her mentor, her former sensei, and just. Just barely. In the corner with a lone, standard visitor chair.

Sakura saw Sasuke sitting, legs crossed and seeming as cool as ever. The corners of his lips twitched up in his signature version of a smile.

The edges of her vision went black.

"Sakura..."

...

They fell almost soundlessly into sand. She could feel him close, and that made her sigh in relief, adrenaline still coursing through her shaking limbs as she stared up at a blank sky that was somehow both the lightest blue and devoid of color.

Sakura's body felt unbelievably hot, but it was only due to the sharp contrast of the frigid snowy landscape they had been in seconds before. Seconds. Before...

Before a large, ogre-ish white figure had brought down a glowing red axe on her, and she simply hadn't reacted quickly enough. The figure had been in front of her one second but then beside her the next, the axe mere inches from her rotund abdomen and...

What the hell happened—

And, in that fraction of a second she turned her head towards her husband, Sakura's entire life seemed to rupture, bursting into brilliant and ragged shards.

It was the kind of thing that didn't register in the moment. That only later would she realize what it meant. That the image of her husband's guts spilling out of his torso would be a held breath in her throat for the rest of her life.

His blood was dampening the sand to make small rivers running towards her, and she almost, almost, burst into laughter from the shock.

No, she had thought in delirium. No one can even touch Sasuke-kun...

But he drew a hoarse, ragged gasp. The tiniest whimper of her name. And the panic set in.

"S-Sasuke-kun!"

She was immediately upon him, one hand steadily flowing light green chakra over him as the other tried to haphazardly group his organs back in. Where they should be.

Sakura had seen a lot of shinobi in varied degrees of injury over the course of her career. More specifically, she had seen a lot of shinobi with less fatal injuries than the mess of a body that laid before her still succumb to death.

The medic in her knew what was happening. She knew.

He seemed to know too.

Sasuke reached down, stilling the hand grasping desperately at his innards by the wrist. "S-Sakura...save...your chak...chakra...already...l-low..."

"I'm sorry," she sputtered. "I'm sorry. He. I was about to hit him, and he...h-he...he moved...and and..."

"The rinnegan..." His voice was too soft, and the pallor set in on his face; she surged that much more chakra in response, willing to see the red tinge beneath his cheeks. "He..." A cough racked through him, and blood seemed to be everywhere. His mouth, his nose, oozing from the cavern in his stomach. "He...or the other one...trans-transported...Not...s'not your fault..."

His lids fluttered closed. Blood loss. Lack of oxygen to the brain. The giant gash in his body. It would have been obvious to anyone, medic-nin or not.

"Stay awake, Sasuke-kun!" she screeched unnaturally frantic and high. "Y-You...you stay the hell awake!"

And somehow, he did. It seemed to take all of his dwindling amount of will, but he did.

"I...I'll open a p-portal to..."

He was still losing consciousness. Sakura could see him fighting against that intangible force. She'd seen it in patients many times; there was always a strange space when the body gave out, but the person didn't vanish. Tsunade had explained to her once that science and medicine failed in a lot of areas, particularly in the space between life and death that was a large portion of their occupation. She wondered how many milliliters of blood carried a soul. And if Sasuke's was washing out on her lap, splattering her hands.

"Sasuke!"

"...t-to Konoha...Go through it...make sure..."

He was mumbling, and the words lacked all consistency or logic—an act so uncharacteristic of him, she knew that as much as she poured out her own chakra, she was losing her partner. Her greatest love. The man who had, after years of self-imposed distance, become her best friend.

He was slipping like water through her fingers.

At one point, he grinned as he affectionately whispered his brother's name.

She knew. He was seeing that great Other Side, and she knew. She kept trying anyway.

"Please, please, don't die, Sasuke-kun!" She was raucously sobbing, and she suddenly felt like the little 12 year old genin that once cried out over his seemingly lifeless body on a misty bridge. How useless she had been then. How useless she was now. "Please please please don't die please—"

"Sakura, stop." A command. A threat all the same. But his words were steadier, less touch-and-go, so she didn't care. "I'm...I'm...Only give me the chakra...to get you two back..."

"Please, don't. Please, don't." The mantra pushed back against whatever ghosts he was seeing around them. "Sasuke...please, please..."

She didn't know how he mustered the strength, but he lifted a trembling hand towards her forehead, fingers brushing against her seal ever so lightly, smearing blood in their wake. "I'm...sorry, my love." He smiled. No teeth. Just the gentle curve of his lips. "This is it."

His eye flashed the familiar red, and she had a sensation of swirling. She thought that he was pushing a genjutsu on her, to force her to go as the spiraling, ominous dark portal miraculously opened up before them. She felt if she followed it that some part of her was going to be stuck in that in-between space for good, never quite leaving and never quite staying.

But, Sakura was steadfast even as she sobbed, imploring him to not die. The portal did not seem stable, and she could only assume it was due to both the state of Sasuke and the fact that not enough time had elapsed since his last conjuring of the terrifying wormhole, even if she was exhausting her chakra by now giving it to him to keep the portal open instead of trying to heal him like she wanted. She scooped him up with her arms beneath his knees and back. Another moment that would haunt her for years was the realization that something...organic...fell from his stomach to the sand. A strangled whine slipped out of her mouth, and she bared her teeth to keep back the bile.

It was then that she noticed something else in the sand from the direction in which they had come. Something almost iridescent and pale. She took a few steps closer, and it dawned on her that the fleshy thing was the arm of her attacker, still clasping the murderous weapon. That's how he got Sasuke-kun, she realized; he had sacrificed his arm reaching through the damn portal to land a fatal blow. When it closed, the portal must have severed the limb from its owner. Good. At least he lost his fucking arm.

The wavy edges of the gateway were beginning to evaporate, and as much as Sakura was tempted, she couldn't stay forever in this desert-like dimension. Plus, it couldn't be long before those two strange beings gathered themselves from their injuries and came after them. The kunoichi part of her mind grabbed the detached arm and weapon with little thought; it had to have weighed as much as she did.

Sakura hurled their bodies through the portal, clinging to her nearly lifeless husband.

She awoke to the sound of small chatter. And a deeply uncomfortable throbbing in her stomach.

Something didn't feel right; her body didn't feel right. Sakura grimaced, turning her face into her pillow and inhaling the cheap detergent smell of the clean linen.

"Aw, come on, Tsunade; I wanna hold her, ya know!"

"Naruto-kun…" A sweet warning from his wife.

A loud thump told her that her mentor had given Naruto a much-deserved wallop; he made it clear he did not appreciate it.

"The first person to hold her - besides me, her doctor - should be the mother, baka!"

Her.

That's right. She had been in labor. Her must be the baby she had refused to let leave her body. Her must be the child she had failed before she even left her womb.

Her.

Sakura couldn't really move her midsection without increasing the pain, so she turned her head towards the noise, peeling her green eyes open slowly. "Shishou…"

All of the heads in the room turned towards her. She wondered vaguely why so many people felt compelled to be in her business. Of course, Tsunade and Shizune were there; that at least made sense. Ino could claim to be her best female friend. But, for some reason, Naruto was still there, plopped on the couch by the window, and Hinata had joined the party with their own small bundle in her arms; he was at least a six months old now. Kakashi had found the chair in the corner, his nose nestled in that infamous orange book, seemingly unconcerned with the goings on. Hell, even Shikamaru popped his head through the crack in the doorway to check that everything was alright before receding back into the hallway, presumably to stand guard.

Apparently, no one had ever heard of 'boundaries.' But, she understood why the overcrowding of her hospital room was occurring. If her husband had been around, they wouldn't feel the need. If she hadn't refused to give birth, they wouldn't feel the need. The realization struck her that Tsunade must have had to do what she had threatened. A deep shame settled in Sakura's gut, pulsing with the cramps. Useless.

"I'm sorry, Shishou," she croaked. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I was going to…"

Tsunade sighed, more irritated with the apology than anything else as she waved it away. "Shut up, Uchiha, and hold your damn baby before I have to kill Naruto." Sakura's eyes fell to the tightly wrapped infant - her head already a thick blob of black hair - nuzzled between Tsunade's arm and breast. "Also, she's been sucking on the side of my tit for the last 20 minutes; she's hungry."

The pink-haired woman blanched rather noticeably to all in the room. Hinata, soft and well-meaning, mistook it as Sakura's fear or discomfort. "Don't worry, Sakura-chan!" she squeaked reassuredly. "It feels very strange at first…" She blushed deeply, seeming to realize that she was talking indirectly about breastfeeding not only in a room full of people but in a room that held another man besides her husband. But, she braved her embarrassment for what she believed was to help Sakura. "But it's...it's very important for bonding...and it's...it just comes naturally after that!"

The new mother nodded slowly; she didn't have the heart to tell Hinata that it wasn't breastfeeding that daunted her.

She just didn't want a fucking thing to do with that baby.

Tsunade had somehow gotten right next to her bed, and she was lowering the last Uchiha into her arms. Sakura instinctively (begrudgingly) opened them, allowing the small thing to snuggle into her. She ground her teeth hard and pushed back ardently against the hotness building in her eyes.

She didn't want to cry. And it wasn't because she was ashamed to cry; everyone in this room had probably lost count of the number of times they'd seen her hysterical weeping. She was only certain that they would misunderstand the reasons for her tears.

The young medic had seen a lot of new mothers shed waterfalls the first moment they were able to hold their child - this living, breathing thing they had carefully and meticulously grown in their bodies. It was rather normal.

What wasn't normal. Was a new mother crying because she just did not want to touch that fucking baby. And she certainly did not want to see the creature looking up at her with the same unfathomable onyx eyes that she had known intimately for so long. Sakura knew that this was strange, and she already sensed what might be developing like a parasite in her chest. She should probably have asked everyone to leave in order to tell Tsunade the truth, so that her mentor could actually do something medical about the issue that Sakura was looking around the bland room for all the exits, half forming contingency plans of ways she could escape and disappear.

But, she couldn't do anything except allow herself to cry, arms shaking lightly. Tsunade, while not knowing the full depth of the thoughts tumbling through her student's mind, could at least see the tremor and knew it was time to call it a day.

"Alright, everyone out! Let's give Mama some privacy and CALM, thank you!"

Her comrades grumbled but began filing out, wishing Sakura congratulations and other sentiments. Tsunade and Shizune said that they would stay to help her latch and answer any questions; then they'd leave her be as well. But, they then noticed that a certain Rokudaime was still seated in the corner, book forgotten in his lap as his eyes honed in on the pink-haired woman.

Tsunade arched an irritated brow. "This is not a titty show, Hatake," she barked. "I suggest you take your leave."

Kakashi made a sound in the affirmative, but he didn't move or break his gaze from his former student. He had seen her expressions a lot over the years, and he'd come to know them well. He had seen the type of tearful euphoria the night she married Sasuke, the type that he expected to see now, even if it was significantly dampened by the lack of her husband. But, what he saw in her eyes flitting around the room was nothing close to even resembling okay. She looked like a caged, abused animal cowering inside the walls of her cell. He couldn't remember seeing her like that, except perhaps that day long in the past when Sasuke tried to kill her.

Her veridian eyes accidentally caught his, and she was taken aback. Like she'd been caught. She wondered if she had accidentally spoken her thoughts out loud. His eyes were dark and unreadable, studying her like they might find the right question. She blinked back her tears several times. Please, don't make me, Kakashi.

"Hatake! Don't make me kick your ass!"

"Sorry, sorry!" he fluttered, finally standing and stowing his book in a pocket. His eyes crinkled in their familiar way. "Forgive this old man musing over his former student. I was just thinking what a beautiful mother Sakura makes."

Shizune muttered something that sounded oddly like 'pervert,' and Tsunade rolled her eyes. As Kakashi strolled by the bed, he paused, glancing down at the lumps beneath the sheets and knitted throw blanket indicating Sakura's feet. He sighed quietly to himself, reaching down and tenderly squeezing a few toes in his grasp. "Congratulations, Sakura-chan," he murmured, briefly meeting her eyes once more. "I'm very proud of you." He retracted his hand and made his exit.

She stared at the spot where his hand had touched her foot. It tingled slightly, but she felt herself barely able to register what that meant or his kind words when Tsunade started talking again.

"Alright, Sakura, it's time to try breastfeeding. You know the drill, unbutton the top part of your gown and-"

Groaning, Sakura shook her head blearily. Her face turned away from Tsunade towards the wall, willing her mind to filter out the demanding voice.

Naruto had called her an angel. A brave angel. Who loved a demon.

There was a pause in the stream of words bombarding her. Still not looking, Sakura felt the weight of the infant - her infant - being lifted from her chest. Thank you, she thought, closing her eyes. Please don't make me do this. Please don't.

She heard their hushed and concerned whispers, but it was drowned out with her breath, slowly inhaling and exhaling.

Stu...pid...Pa...the...tic…Weak...

How annoying.


A/N: Hey y'all! I recently got hooked on the Sakura/Kakashi pairing. And I was working on another story but slowly realized it was simply becoming a retelling of the Naruto series and I did not want to do that. And truth be told, in like the canon-verse, I can't imagine Sakura ever, EVER leaving Sasuke, or vise versa, actually. So what did i do? Kill him off! I learned from Shonda Rhimes (bow down to the Queen of Dramatic Writing). Speaking of which, this chapter was also definitely inspired from the Grey's Anatomy episode of old where Bailey gives birth. It is still one of my all time favorite episodes from that series. Anyway.

Yeah, I started this intending it to be a one-shot, but then it was getting so long, and I had a million ideas coming up. All that being said, I want to include an action plot w/ the romance plot I have brewing, but none of it is formed yet! This could very well end up being a lot of thematic stuff & romance about motherhood and mental illness and love and feminism and stuff. We'll see!

Also please be aware that I do intend to explore some dark stuff, and I will always put trigger warnings at the beginnings of chapters if I think it could be triggering. But i might fail to see how something could trigger someone else! So please feel free to let me know if I should put a better warning at the beginning of a chapter or whatever.

Last thing, I LOVE poetry. Or just ya know well written anything. And i wanted to include some of my favorite poets with little snippets in the beginning that is connected to the theme or plot. And i will always urge you to check out their work!

Hope you enjoyed reading! Let me know what you think with a review!