A Day In The Life

**

"GIR! Come to the lab! I need your assistance with my new INGENIOUS plan!"

No response.

"..."

More no responses.

"IMMEDIATELY!!"

Invader Zim, Really Great Obliterator Of The Pathetic Human Race(Zim had made a plaque with that title on it, all shiny and polished and keen, and hung it above the TV), stood in the middle of his mighty laboratory, an impressive room of metal and monitors and electronics and flashing lights and machinery and glass byproducts and impressiveness and chunks of technology that the Irkans had stolen from various other shorter, more inferior races. It was there amongst the array of devices and things that make cool-sounding noises that Zim's aforementioned INGENIOUS plan was starting to come together, and the time for Stage 1's execution was drawing ever closer.

"..."

Zim's grip tightened slightly on the tools he held in his gloved hands, the very tools that would undoubtedly bring about the utter and complete conquering of Earth: a four-foot long piece of rubber garden hose and a large chunk of Red Elm that had been carved into a big-ass capital Q. He also had a strip of duct tape stuck across the top of his head, but that wasn't actually part of the plan and he didn't really even know it was there. Patience holding, Zim started tapping his foot and continued to wait for his robot minion to come screaming down from somewhere and break something upon impact, an event he anticipated to occur any second now.

One minute.

"..."

Two minutes.

"..."

Five minutes.

"...COMPUTEEEEEER!!"

"-YES?-"

Zim finally broke stance, whirling around to face his computer's main screen and pointing his large wooden Q at it. "Where is GIR and why hasn't he come down here yet? ANSWER ME!!"

The computer sighed the deep sigh of the oppressed, sounding like one who had given up his last shred of self-respect and dignity long ago. "-THE LOCATION OF ROBOT 'GIR' IS UKNOWN AT THIS TIME.-"

"Location unknown? Inconceivable!"

Further conversation between the two halted as muffled, high-pitched giggling suddenly manifested above Zim, apparently coming from the mass of tangled tubes, wires, and cables that served as the room ceiling.

"...eh?" Zim craned his neck back to peer upward, eyes squinting to try and see into the darkness above. "GIR! Is that you?"

"Maaaaaaybe," came the distant, echoing voice of what was most definitely GIR, from somewhere deep inside the nest of cords.

"GIR, what are you doing up there NOT OBEYING MY COMMANDS?!"

Silence.

"...well?"

"I'm lookin' atcha! Hee hee hee!"

"COME DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!"

"Hey, you got tape on your head!!"

Zim growled and angrily threw his Q upward at the cable nest. The wooden projectile hit a metal pipe fixture, broke into several pieces, and fell to the floor.

"Wooden Q! Nooooooooo!" Zim fell to his knees, fists clenched and shaking angrily at the ceiling. "My ingenious plan is ruined!"

"-LOCATION LOCATED!-"

"Eh? Oof!"

GIR had picked that moment to tumble down from the recesses of the ceiling, landing on top of Zim with a thud. "TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

A hard swipe with the rubber hose sent the little robot flying across the room and into a pile of spare Voot Cruiser parts resting in the corner. Zim stood and dusted himself off, still muttering to himself. He also flung the hose at the component pile, managing to smack GIR in the face once more just as he poked his head out. "Yay, two points!" the little robot squeaked in glee.

"So," said Zim matter-of-factly, ignoring the comment. "Once again my more better of two plans has been ruined by forces outside my control. With Operation Ingenious Plan unusable, I shall have to rely on my backup!"

Turning exactly ninety-two degrees to the right, Zim put his hands on his hips and began the time-consuming process of marveling at his SECOND latest ingenious plan.

The gigantic bipedal silver and black mecha towering over the small alien was over twice as big as that nearly-worthless Megadoomer, and had an estimated destructiveness potential at least FOUR POINT THREE times larger! Covered with laser cannons! And retractable laser buzzsaws! And laser-guided missile launchers! And.. and...... LASERS!!

"Guhuhuhuh... huh..." Zim wiped the drool from his chin with a sleeve as he continued to imagine all the magically-delicious lasery type things that his new toy would soon be doing.

"You should name it 'Mr. Metal-Pants'!"

Zim snapped out of his rampaging daydream and looked down next to him, where GIR stood with hopeful eyes and an open-mouthed smile on his face.

"Anyway!" Sticking a hand into his pocket, Zim whipped out a remote control with only one large red button on it. "It took me many, many weeks of hard work to build this breakthrough of Irkan engineering, GIR! I dare say it is my finest creation yet, since coming to this disgustingly-round planet of dirt. And now, with a single press of this button, my force of glorious destruction will begin to rain glorious destructive force down upon the hair-covered, shrunken-brained, cotton-weaving... foul-smelling... er.. hat-wearing... uh.... um............"

"Humans?"

Zim glanced down at GIR again, who was still looking up at him vapidly. Sometimes that little robot just knew exactly what to say.

"HU-MANS! ANDESPECIALLYDIB!"

And with that, the alien invader joyously slammed his finger down upon the large red button, his pre-victory laughter echoing throughout his entire base as the humongous killing machine started to hum ominously.

-----

"Hmmm mmm mmmmmm MMMM."

Elsewhere in the city, at a normal-looking house, inside it's well-lit garage, laying on his back underneath a large maroon and purple alien spaceship, Dib was also humming ominously. Of course, his humming wasn't a warning of imminent destruction, but that of the Mysterious Mysteries opening theme, which, admittedly, was still a fairly ominous tune in itself.

"Oh yeah, just as soon as I get Tak's ship fully operational, I'll finally be able to expose Zim for the alien he really is!"

Okay, so maybe if you knew the context, you'd know the humming WAS a warning of imminent destruction of sorts, but really, you couldn't tell just by hearing it.

"...somehow."

Anyway. Dib was on a mission! A mission to save the Earth! Only HE had the power to thwart the evil doings of the Irkan invaders! Well actually, he probably wasn't the only one with the power, and it was only one invader at the moment, but he was the only one that knew about the whole thing, and there was no telling if more would come or not. But no matter! He would find a way to defeat the Irkans once and for all!

"Maybe I could make some sort of device with a length of metal pipe and a large ceramic R..."

Dib halted his rewiring job, brow furrowing in thought for a moment. He blinked once, twice, then rolled his eyes, chuckling to himself. "Wow, where did THAT lame idea come from? I doubt even Zim could think up something that dumb."

Connecting the final few wires, Dib shut the open panel and slid out from under the ship. It had taken a lot of work, but Tak's spacecraft was nearly ready for all-purpose use. Bringing the weapon systems up and disabling the last few anti-intruder safelocks would take some time still, but all in all, he'd done quite well on his little project thus far.

"Alright! Time to power this thing up!" Dib grabbed a Irkan-looking remote control from the floor and held it aloft, as if wielding Excalibur. "You'll thank me in the end, human race! My efforts here will be our first step towards victory!"

Click.

"..."

Dib looked up at the remote. The index finger on his free hand was pressed against the front panel, yet Tak's ship wasn't moving. It wasn't even making noise.

"Stupid remote, why aren't you working?" He brought the device down in front of his face and frowned at it.

"BATTERIES!!" A tiny digitized voice from the speaker was screaming, and a just-as-tiny icon of a battery in the bottom-right corner of the screen was flashing. "OH MAN, I NEEEEEED 'EM!!"

"Batteries? Geez, how'd I forget those? I'll bet Dad has some!"

-----

Life always changes. An inevitable alteration of genetic structure, be it natural or forced, strikes the unknowing cells and makes them different. Oftentimes better, an adaptation facing a known variable. Sometimes worse, a cellular breakdown responding to damaging stimuli. The process can be both slow and fast, painful and gentle, known and unknown. It can happen without warning, without rightful cause, without explanation, taking something perfectly content in it's own being and maliciously tearing it from it's velvet guidelines, brutally forcing it to adhere to new paths of structure and mindset.

Professor Membrane did that kind of stuff on a regular basis. It was pretty neat.

The kitchen looked alive, with pulses of green light and bolts of electricity painting the air with glorious displays of scientific progress. The good Professor was hunched over the center table, his labcoated frame obscuring his work to any who would dare brave the unknown to get a can of soda from the fridge.

Those who knew Membrane also knew the lengths he would go to achieve a scientific breakthrough. It was his perseverance and dedication to science that allowed the manufacture of the Magic 6 Cube and edible paper, for crying out loud! Can you even imagine a world without those things? No. No you cannot.

"Dad!"

A voice... one that sounded a million miles away, but still loud enough to disturb the focus of a very very focused mind. Professor Membrane ignored it. SCIENCE was at work!

"Dad!"

Again. So close to a breakthrough! Membrane could not falter in his work! He could not fail science! He WOULD not!

"Dad!" said Dib for the third time, waving his arms frantically while jumping up and down behind his father. "I need some-"

"WAAAAAIT!" Professor Membrane finally yelled, throwing a hand out behind him in the classic 'halt' gesture, but not turning around. "Almost.. allllllmooooooost..."

"I just need some batteries!"

The green light cut out abruptly as Membrane spun to face Dib, holding a jumper cable clamp in one hand, and a plate with a ham sandwich on it in the other. "Oh, is that all? What do you need them for?"

"I almost got Tak's spaceship fixed, but I can't use the cockpit yet and need batteries for the remote control device. If I can't access the alien technology within the ship, I'll be at a disadvantage against Zim's horrible and evil machinations!"

"Ah ha ha, of course, of course. Sorry son, but I used all the extra batteries up taking my lunch TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF REALITY!" Membrane held the sandwich aloft, which flashed, crackled, and finally shot a beam of green energy right out of the kitchen and straight through the front door, leaving a burnt and smoking hole in it's wake.

"Aww man!"

"Why don't you ask your sister? She always seems to have spares."

"Hey, that's right! Thanks dad!"

"My poor, poor son." Membrane sighed to himself as Dib darted out of the kitchen and out of view around the corner. "I can only pray that your gargantuan head doesn't one day infect others with the thick swirling mass of deranged psychosis it holds within. I promised your mother that I would never use my INCREDIBLE SCIENTIFIC GENIUS against you, but if it means saving the human race from the unraveling of sanity as we know it, then I will NOT hesitate in my actions!"

"(Totally wicked speech, man)," the sandwich said, translated out as a few more green sparks.

-----

A dark, tortured mass of black storm clouds churned angrily in the night sky, unleashing wave after wave of slashing rain upon the defenseless plains below. Heavy crashes of thunder shook the air constantly, each one accompanying a sharp flash of lightning that gave only a split-second's sight to the wind-swept grass. But even so, where all others had already fled the fury of the raging storm, two figures stood fast, weathering the onslaught of the screaming force of nature despite the dangers. Far off in the distance, the outline of a dark castle could be seen, the corroding stone walls dully reflecting the spotty illumination that crashed down from the heavens.

"So you've come."

"Yes."

The one that spoke first seemed quite amused at his own statement. He was dressed simply, white baggy pants and vest, with a pair of long fingerless gloves on his hands. One of said hands ran itself through his short shock of black hair, past the streak of pink in the front, then whipped forward, producing a short double-blade from seemingly out of nowhere.

"Very bold, Vampire Piggy Hunter, but you will not get past me this night."

"Mm."

The other was very hard to describe in detail. The only thing the light came to land on was a long black cloak that completely wrapped around his thin frame, and a wide-brimmed black hat that shadowed his face, save for one glowing red eye peering out from the darkness. His voice was a low hissing drone, one that exuded an air of dismissal, as if already proclaiming the one blocking his path to be nothing more than a nuisance. In a flash, the dark figure brought his own arm out from the depths of his cloak, purple energy sword glowing intensely in his hand.

"Excellent, P. Know that I am called Rye Ginsu, and my master has instructed me to make sure you do not live past our encounter."

"Heh. Any last words, weakling?"

"...Gaz."

A long dramatic crash and flash of thunder and lightning accentuated the single word response. The Vampire Piggy Hunter's eye blinked once... twice... then contorted a bit in confusion.

"Er... pardon?"

"Gaz! Gaz!"

Gaz' head snapped up, attention wrenched from her video game. She wasn't in the middle of a dark and stormy night, but in her dark and gloomy bedroom. The one standing in front of her was not an evil minion of Ultra Pigulon out to destroy her, but her stupid big-headed brother out to be annoying. And he was already succeeding wonderfully.

"What are you doing in my room and WHY are you talking to me?!" she growled through gritted teeth, her grip tightening on her Game Slave 2. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Dad said you'd give me some batteries, so gimme!"

"I SHOULD give you a head-punch!" Gaz scooped up a few batteries from the desk next to her bed and hurled them over Dib's head, letting them fly all pell-mell into the hall. "There, now GO AWAY!"

"Awesome!" Dib cried joyously, rushing out of Gaz' room to gather up his batteries before disappearing down the hallway. "Thanks Gaz, you're the best!"

Gaz muttered a sarcastic reply and looked back down at her game. A large flashing "GAME OVER" was on the screen, with the corpse of the Vampire Piggy Hunter laying on the ground underneath it. Ginsu was laughing and jumping up and down on his fallen opponent in a three-frame animation loop, probably really pleased with himself that Gaz had neglected to hit the Pause button during her distractment.

"DIB." The world around her erupted into flame, and the fury of a nuclear explosion could be seen behind her slitted eyes. "YOUR LIFE IS FORFEIT!!"

-----

"So, you willfully choose to ignore my rules, do you? Only now will you truly understand the consequences for your transgressions!"

A world of inky darkness was all that existed, a vast expanse of horrible textureless black night, cold and uncaring, stretching out in all directions, blocking out all light except for two white half-circles that shone cruelly in the center of the void, mocking, laughing at the unfortunate soul caught in the web of unseen horror.

"But I can't be tardy, there isn't any class on the weekend! I just came to get a book from my locker!"

The all-encompassing blackness cracked and broke, the thick breaks turning into swirl-lines as the dark gave way to the light, gathering and compacting around the glinting half-circles until finally congealing into a recognizable form.

"Silence! Sniveling excuses will only serve to expediate your inevitable failure in life!" Ms. Bitters' glasses gleamed angrily in the light as she loomed over the cowering form of The Letter M, who was bound in a front desk by big steel shackles and chains. They were both in the Skool of course, in the classroom of Ms. Bitters, which now looked just as normal as it ever did. "You will now watch a seven-hour educational video entitled 'How To Properly Go To Skool And Obey Your Elders Without Question'. There will be a test afterward, so take notes."

Ms. Bitters vanished in a swish of black, and The Letter M struggled against his unmoving bonds pitifully, sweat beading on his forehead and teeth clenched in fright as the large projector screen came down from the ceiling and the lights dimmed.

"Hell-o childrens!" came the happy narrator's voice from the speaker as the black and white movie appeared on the white sheet. A young child dressed in old clothing and holding a belt-wrapped stack of books was skipping down a dirt road happily as the title appeared over him. "Let's all grab our abacuses and learn about the wonderful place we're forced to go to everyday! Skool!"

"The horror," The Letter M whispered to himself, his eyes twitching and growing hazy. "THE HORROR..."

-----

The Massive was a large ship. A very large ship. Let's just say that "The Massive" wasn't a cute nickname. It was the largest battle cruiser in the Irkan fleet, a towering landmark of technology, and the personal carting-around vessel of the two rulers of the Irkan Empire, Tallest Red and Purple. The Tallests' rule was absolute, their word law, their whims carried out without hesitation, such was the power held by the towering twin titans, power enough to rule the entire galaxy! And probably part of another galaxy also, if you do the math out.

SLURP.

And it was on the bridge of The Massive that one of those all-powerful rulers sat, sat mightily in one of the two command chairs, momentarily complacent in his judgments with a large soda held in one his powerful dictatorial hands of might and power and command.

SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP.

"...hey!" Tallest Purple looked annoyed. His lips pursed around his extra-long straw in his soda cup and took another long draw on it, the sound of loud, empty sucking filling the air as he jiggled his container of ice in a vain attempt to extract a few more molecules of his drink from the bottom. "I'm out of soda! I want another one!"

Although the statement was aimed at no one in particular, a short service drone quickly appeared at his side anyway, saluting his leader and clacking his heels together in true military fashion. "Right away, My Tallest, Service Drone Ska is here to carry out your commands! Which kind do you desire?"

"The right kind!" Purple snapped, throwing his cup into the drone's face. "And be quick about it, huh?"

Service Drone Ska chewed his bottom lip nervously as a piece of melting ice slid down his forehead. He did not want to question orders, but he also did not want to appear incompetent in the eyes of his leader. He finally decided to just go and get a random kind, opting to rely on his ruler's somewhat flaky demeanor to either not care or forget entirely which flavor he was currently wanting.

"Ahhhh," Purple sighed in contentment, putting his hands behind his head and leaning back in his chair. He then glanced over to the empty seat adjacent to him. It was empty. And adjacent. And empty. "Hey! Red should be up here! Where is he?"

DUNN DUNN-DUNN DUNNNNN DUNN DUNN DUNNDUNNDUNNDUNN!!

"I... have arrived!"

The large door to the bridge was now open, with a blaring musical number to signal the Tallest Red's arrival. The Irkan co-leader strode in triumphantly, arms wide open to accept the gazes of pretty much everyone on the bridge, who had all turned to look at the disturbance. Four smaller Irkans followed Red closely, all carrying various Irkan musical instruments and waiting for the signal to again start playing his special tune. After a few moments of basking in everyone's attention, the smug ruler finally went over and plopped down in his command chair, sliding deep down into it and putting his feet up.

"Heeeeeeeey," Purple said, furrowing his brow as he inspected the band standing behind Red's chair. "Why do you get theme music? You shouldn't get that!"

"Hah! You're just mad because you don't have any!" Red laughed jeeringly, motioning with his hand and signaling the quartet to break out into a repeat performance.

"Hmph," Purple hmphed, crossing his arms crossly and slouching down slouchily a bit in his chair. "Yeah, well... I don't NEED theme music! I have groupies!"

"Groupies?!" Red immediately sat up straight in his chair, silencing his band with a sharp wave of his hand. "Since when have YOU had groupies?"

"Since before now! Hey, lookie there! Groupies!" Purple motioned with his own hand, and four happily-shrieking female Irkans were suddenly swarming around him, hopping up and down excitedly and desperately asking for his autograph.

"...I hate you."

"MY TALLESTS!"

Red and Purple's attention was torn away from their respective entourages and toward the front of the room, where one of the control technicians was waving his arms up and down frantically as he looked at his computer screen. "Whaaaaaat?" the two leaders asked in unison.

"INCOMING ENEMY FIRE!! IT'S AN ENORMOUS-- NONONO, A GIGANTIC-- NO, A GINORMOUS-- er, wait wait, no.. no, I guess it's not that big... BUT ITS A LASER BEAM AND IT'S HEADED DIRECTLY FOR THE SHIP!!" the tech yelled. "IMPACT IN FIVE SECONDS!"

"Quickly, evasive maneuvers!" Red threw his arm forward dramatically, his order accompanied by an encore from the band.

"No no no, put up the shields!" Purple countered, waving his own arms in defiance and accidentally signaling his groupies to again mob him.

"EVADE! EVADE!!" Red yelled, struggling to be heard over the blasting music.

"SHIELD! SHIELD!!" Purple screamed, trying to get his voice past the high-pitched female shoutings that surrounded him.

"Soda! Soda!" piped Service Drone Ska, who blissfully skipped onto the bridge with a large cup clasped in his hands.

Not surprisingly, the laser ended up punching straight through the middle of The Massive like a pencil through wet tissue paper.

The mighty ship was now in a state of pandemonium like no other. Alarms were blaring far too loudly for their own good, the ship itself was vibrating violently and beginning to tilt on it's side, and most of the operators on the bridge were running around screaming. In fact, almost everyone on the ship was running around screaming. "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" was pretty much the general consensus on board at that time, and no one voiced that opinion more strongly than The Tallest themselves.

"WE'VE BEEN HIT! OH MAN, WE'RE GONNA DIE!!" Purple shrieked as he skidded toward one side of the ship.

"ONLY BECAUSE YOU CONTRADICTED MY BATTLE ORDERS!" Red shouted angrily, pushing his musicians out of his way as he tried to reach the front of the bridge.

"SORRY, I GUESS I COULDN'T HEAR THEM OVER YOUR STUPID THEME MUSIC!"

"OH, GO HIDE BEHIND YOUR GROUPIES, YOU WEENIE!"

"I DON'T-- HEY, THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD IDEA! I'M GONNA! HEY YOU, OVER THERE! BRING MY SODA!"

AS PURPLE SCRAMB-- er, ahem-- as Purple scrambled to get to a safe corner of the bridge, entourage in tow, Red managed to reach one of the technicians who was surprisingly neither screaming nor running around in a frightened panic, but instead rapidly typing away at his computer.

"WE NEED DAMAGE CONTROL!" Red yelled over the whining alarms. The tech, already hard at work, nodded once and doubled his efforts. "MAKE EVERYTHING ALL FIXED! SAVE THE SNACKS! AND TELL ME WHO DARES ATTACK THE MIGHTY IRKAN EMPIRE!!"

-----

Zim opened his eyes slowly, ever so slowly, each millimeter of movement sending seven-megaton acid-sharp electric kung-fu white-hot sledgehammers of pointy lemon-flavored napalm across his face.

"..."

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

His lengthy scream of pain was certainly justified, as the entirety of his squishy flesh had almost been incinerated to death just moments ago. Zim was still technically in his lab, if the black charbroiled crater of Irken technological remains at the bottom of a very wide and deep hole could still be considered such.

Put simply, Zim's ingenious plan had failed. Put more specifically, his plan had failed, exploded, sent a huge death-laser right up through his base, and almost killed him completely. Put even more specifically, Zim wanted to scream in unbearable pain again.

"WHEEEEE, pretty light!" cried a too-familiar voice from under a melted pile of something that used to be recognizable at one point.

"GIR!" Zim looked down at the charred lump in amazement, his shiny red eyes the only parts of him not black and extra-crispy. "Are you still functioning?"

Metal bent, snapped, and flew everywhere as the little robot burst out of his hiding place, sporting not even the smallest mark on his frame. "I AM! Just as good as the day I was borned!"

"What?! You're not damaged in the slightest! How did you escape the horrible laser-explosion?!"

"My magic rubber hose kept me safe from the explody!" GIR held out his hand, which was gripping the also undamaged length of hose that Zim had earlier thrown at him. "It said 'Hug me tight, tiny gravy ladle, and you too can be just like me!' Hee hee hee! Gravy's good for you!"

"Rraahh!!" Zim gasped in disbelief, totally not accepting the completely plausible explanation for some strange reason. "Enough of your foolishness! We must hurry and repair our base! Our defenses are down, and a clever enough interloper could inadvertently stumble across our operation here! I only hope our actions have been discreet enough to avoid detection!"

-----

Dib stood in his front yard, batteries in hand and mouth hanging open as he stared at the noon sky, watching as the three-second-long colossal beam of light that had just been fired off from across town shot straight out of the planet's atmosphere and disappeared in a blink of an eye. "Geez! Dad! Did you see that?! That looked like it came from Zim's house! I'll bet he's trying to do something to something!!"

"Yes, the weather really is quite lovely today." Professor Membrane was next to Dib, goggled-eyes fixed upon the still-uneaten sandwich as it glowed, floated, and spun several inches above his plate.

"No, Dad, there was a giant--" Dib started to say, right before being tackled to the ground from behind by a very angry Gaz.

"Stupid Dib! Stupid HEAD! Mess with my game, will you?" she growled, landing a few blows to her sibling's kidneys.

"Ow, ow! No, you-- ow!-- don't understand! It's Zim! Ow! ZIM!"

Dib lost the fight hardcore. Gaz kicked a good pile of dirt onto the prone form of her dazed brother, snatched the batteries from where they had fallen upon the ground, and went back into the house, slamming the door loudly behind her.

"Ahhh, it's nice to have the whole family together and outside every once in a while." Membrane jabbed his sandwich with a tazer, which squeaked and fell back down onto it's plate.

"Noooo..." Dib moaned weakly, covered in scuff marks and dust. "Zim... Batteries... dooooooooomed..."

And that, as they say, was that.