Hello everyone!! I finally got this chapter done, I wanted to wait until my kids went to school. This year they started earlier for WorldSkills, so it is completely silent in my house. No one to nag me that they are hungry, or want the channel changed, no arguing, just silence!! 8) I have to say that I am much prouder of this chapter then the other story, and hopefully you guys won't have to wait too long in between chaps, I might even write another one tonight!! hi5!!
As well, this hasn't be beta'd, I unfortunately couldn't get one, so if anyone is up to the task, just PM me!!
Read, Enjoy, Review and be Marry!!!
Chapter 1--Sleepless in Space
Harry slowly opened his eyes, the room was dim, the air was light, his body still. The silence was overwhelming, the stillness was heavy, his eyes ached to be closed again, his body sluggish from the lack of sleep.
0630 hours
Darkness.
Stillness.
Death, carnage, blood, they married into a scene of survival instinct and pure, unadulturated cruelty, and anger. His breath quickened, the sweat began to form a thin line across his forehead.
What are you thinking about? The hellucination of Dean inquired, knowing the answer, taunting his father with his nightmares.
Harry lied still, as if there was no one sitting on the edge of his bed, his back to him.
Why won't you answer me? He turned his face towards Harry What are you afraid of? The memories of your atroocities, the truth, the truth is, your coward, and you know it.
Harry got-up, reached under his bed and grabbed the bottle of booze he bought a few weeks ago. Drinking from the bottle directly, he drank greedily, he knew he was running low, but he just couldn't help himself, it was the only thing that helped. He walked towards the washroom, without looking in the cracked mirror, he took a sonic shower. After toweling himself off, shaving (advoiding the mirror as much as possible) and getting dressed, he proceeded for the exit.
You still haven't answered my question. Dean said in a somewhat annoyed tone.
Harry stopped, he mumbled to himself that Dean wasn't real, a mantra that become a lifeline to his sanity, then left his quarters. Making his way to the turbolift, relieved to see no one inside, he entered it and gave the command to the computer to take him to the mess hall.
I think it's both. He turned towards Harry, who was still ignoring him, he closed his eyes.
Nightmares, and for that matter, reality, doesn't dissapear when you close your eyes. Harry shuttered, this was too much for him to handle, he just wanted to forget Dean ever existed, he wanted to forget that he has.....had.....or more like will have a son. He surpressed the tears that pinched the corners of his eyes.
Did you enjoy it? Harry opened his eyes and looked at his hellucination with inquisitively.
Oh come on! You know what I am talking about. They murdered me, and you just sat back and let them kill me.
"I didn't" Harry defended.
It's not like you really tried all that hard. I mean, I saw what you did to those three Mez'aps. Harry's face went pale.
You butchered them. You could have saved me.
"I tried." Harry scrapped two hands up and down his face, eventually through his thick hair, he wanted to rip the hellucination out of his mind, he wanted it to go away.
I think you did enjoy it. Those bastard.....they tortured me. Blood started to soak through Dean's clothes, two puddles of blood formed around his feet. Harry started to breath deeply, he could feel his breath getting stuck in his throat, suffocating him, he struggled, he knew it wasn't real, he covered his face, his whole body trembled as Dean spoke.
Admit it you liked it! Putting the knife into those savages, you liked it! Dean screamed.
The soft swishing sound of the doors opening was a welcome relief to Harry. Then he realized that someone might be standing there, he let-out a sigh of relief when he opened his eyes and there was no one. He turned to where Dean was standing, there was no one, no blood, no indictation that his dead son was ever there. He wipped his eyes, took a deep breath and fixed-up his hair the best he could.
He walked into the mess hall, he quickly surveyed the modist room, he hung his head when he saw Tom. It just wasn't his day, truth be told he hadn't had a good day since he found out about Dean. He walked-up to where Neelix was cooking, he picked-up a plate. He really wasn't hungry, it just didn't seem like a priority anymore, like the basic of life, of living were no longer a necessity, just another burden on his shoulders. He ate for show, if he ate no one questioned him. At least they didn't question if he was hungry, why he wasn't eating, was everything alright, was he depressed, the questions seemed endless, the line of questioners seemed endless.
"I have a delicious Tertarian egg omelet on the menu this morning." Neelix remarked with a smile, he waited for Harry to respond.
"Harry?" He waited again, the young man was transfixed in his own world, he placed a hand on his shoulder. "Harry."
"Oh! Yeah, that sounds great." he offered his plate and a fake warm smile. Neeliz could see it didn't reach his eyes, they were red, and slightly puffy. His skin was botchy, and pale, his hands shook slightly, and Neelix steady it by placing his hand underneath as he plated the omelet.
"Hey, Harry." Tom said cheerfully, Harry sighed, it was only 7:30 and it was already a shitty start to the day.
"Wanna join Belanna and me for breakfast?" Tom said with an anxious smile, every morning he offered Harry a seat at his table, and every morning Harry shut him out. He noticed the half-eaten meals his young friend left, the far off look, the strange way he was acting, like there was someone there when there was nothing.
Harry simply turned around and grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down; Tom followed.
"Listen." He sat down, he stretched out his hands clasping them together. "I know your having a hard time." Tom waited for a moment for some kind of response, then continued when he got none.
"But, if you need to talk, or want to go down to the holodeck. I have a new Captain Proton program. I'm sure you'll love it." Harry stuffed the first bite of the omelet in his mouth. He's heard this speach before. He heard it from Janeway, Belanna, Chakotay, The Doctor, even Tuvok seemed to have joined the bandwagon. He really wished they would just all shut-up, just shut-up and leave him alone.
"If you need anything....." Oh yeah! Anything! He scoffed, then he put another bite in his mouth. He wasn't hungry, but it was for show, he needed them to see him eat. Make them think he was just fine, taking care of himself, the whole nine yards. But what he really wanted to do was find a secluded, dark corner, curl-up, and just be alone.
"What's so funny?" Harry just continued to eat.
"I'm trying to help you." Tom seemed to becoming aggitated. "I get it, your angry at me. You have every right to be."
"Thanx for the permission, now I can really be mad you." Harry remarked, looking down, he was just stabbing his food now, he couldn't pretend to want to eat anymore.
"I didn't meant it like that."
"No, of course not, you never mean anything." Harry slammed his fork down. "You didn't mean to lie to me, to keep secrets, you didn't mean for me to ever find out that I'm going to die." Harry yelled, ignoring the numberous faces staring back at him.
"You fucked-up Tom, and now you want to make it all better."
"Your right I did screw-up, but if you just listen to me."
"And what? Listen to more lies. No more, you fucked-up, just like you fucked your own life. I guess one life wasn't enough."
"I was ordered..." Tom found himself defending himself again, this wasn't the first time he had to defend his actions to Harry. This was how there conversations always turned out, how Tom betrayed Harry, the man never listened to him, to be honest he was getting tired of defendign himself, it had been 3 months, a part of him wanted to tell Harry to get over it.
"You were ordered, that's what you keep saying, you had no problems going against Starfleet when you helped the Maqui, you had no problem going against orders when you wanted to be a hero to the Moreans. But for me, you wouldn't dare." Tom went silent, he felt as if Harry had just stabbed him in the heart. When did Harry become so cruel? He just wanted to have a few with his best friend, go down to Sandrine's play some pool, laugh, just be friends again.
"Just let me help you, let me make it right."
"You want to help me." Harry stood-up and threw his plate. "Stop looking at me like that, stop asking me how I'm doing. Stop....." Harry was now screaming at the top of his lungs, the anger in his eyes was so intense it seemed to consum him, Tom hadn't seen anything like it before, at least not in Harry. It scared him.
"Looking at my damn food, stop following me around, just leave me alone." He moved closer to Tom, who stood-up with his hands-up, palms out in a defensive manner. It was becoming more obvious with every passing day, Harry was loosing his grip on his sanity. He knew Harry was angry at him, but this went beyond the lie he told, the lie he was forced to tell.
"Ensign." Tuvok, who was sitting at a table not too far away, had now moved closer to the quarreling friends when Harry started on his tyrate.
"Restrain yourself, or I will." Harry turned to him.
"Shut-up! Just shut-up." He pointed a finger straight into the Vulcan's face. Although he always kept his emotions in check, he found the finger in the face to be quiet irritating.
"There is a time and a place for everything, this is not the time, nor the place to settle your dispute. I suggest you resolve this another time." Harry took a few deep breaths, he ran a hand through his hair. He looked around at his fellow crew mates, they looked at him....like....
Like your crazy. Dean finished his thoughts. Once again Dean appeared out of no where. Harry stumbled backwards, knocking his chair over, he looked at his crewmates, none of them responded to Dean, none of them even acknowledged his presence.
They must know he's there, he had just spoken, he's a dead man in the middle of the mess hall, and no one is even looking at him. Maybe he isn't the crazy one, maybe they are. Tom followed his friend's eyeline, seeing nothing there he moved one step forward.
"Harry, why don't you let me take you to the infirmary. You...." He took a beat, not knowing what exactly to say, it seemed these days everything set Harry off.
"You can rest there." He took a deep breath and held it, he just wanted Harry to be alright.
"I think that is an excellent idea." Tuvok agreed.
"I, I'm late for duty." Harry started for the door, Tuvok moved to stop him.
"I do not believe you are fit for duty." Tuvok said with his monotoned voice.
"I'm just fine, if people would just leave me alone, I wouldn't have to constantly remind people that I'm fine." He side stepped Tuvok, and headed for the door.
Katherine sat in her quarters, it was nearly 0659 hours, she hadn't slept very well, the dead weighed heavily on her chest, she could feel them suffocating her as she attempted to sleep. She often woke to the sounds of the photon torperodes crashing into her ship, the lifeless corpse lying on the ground, her and the surviving crew having to drag their bodies to the cargo bay, placing their limp bodies into the coffins. She spent hours drafting the eulogies, letters to their families, telling the tale of their beloved's death.
She didn't cry, it seemed odd to her, she had lost so many of her crew, she had failed so many, and yet, she didn't cry. Not because she didn't care for them, she did, immensely. She didn't like to cry, she saw no real use for it. Her eyes would get all puffy, red, her nose ran like a leaky faucet. She was the captain, there is no room for red eyes, and runny noses. It was a loss of control, she had to admit it, she didn't like to loose control, she didn't like the crew to think she had lost control. She was their captain, and captain's don't cry for their lost crew.
The computer chimmed in, it was 0700 hours. Another sleepless night, another long day of duty. Her legs felt heavy when she stood-up, her lungs contracted as she walked, she could feel herself suffocating, her heart tightened, a sharp grip, as if someone had reached into her chest and squeezed her internal organs tight, twisting it, wrecking it in malicious glee, she imagine a grotesque creature with long, thin hands, their fingers intertwining with her heart muscles, her lungs. She could almost see it's foul smile, smirking as it let down it's punishment that it....she felt she deserved.
She lurked forward, she caught herself on a chair, she felt nausea, running to the washroom she barely made it to the toilet to throw-up last night's dinner. The coolness of the porcelain felt like ice on her burning forehead, she heaved, soon dryness took over, she stumbled as she stood. She looked in the mirror, splashing water onto her face, and into her mouth she rinsed it clean.
She quickly took a sonic shower, it was ice cold, it was never hot, or warm for that matter, it wasn't even lukewarm, just icy, frigid cold water. Shivering she got dressed, did her hair and make-up and walked out of her quarters. She found Chakotay coming out of his quarters on her way to the turbo lift. She smiled and greeted him, she stayed strong for him, for the crew, she wouldn't fail them this time, like so many times. She now viewed many of her past decisions with cruel, unforgiving and unbitting critizism, she destroyed the Aray, she allowed the Kayzans and Seska to take over the ship, she lost a crewman, a newborn baby could have died.....because of her.
She rescued Seven, but was that a mistake, would she turn on her? Would Chakotay and the other Maqui betray her? She began polite, small talk with him, he commented on repair schedules, how they were delayed, again, she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. This time it was a lack of raw materials, the warp core was finally up and running, they had fixed it a month after the attack, but it was constantly on the fritz. They often had to bargain, trade, even offer services to other species, space stations filled with rift rafts, transients, undesirable people.
"Katherine," He took a beat, his brown eyes settled uneasily on her slender frame, she looked weakened, weary, it seemed as everyday passed by, she became more and more enervated, indifferent to her ever so failing phsyical and mental well being.
"Are you alright?" He inquired with care and sympathy.
"Why wouldn't I be?" She lifted her head, looking straight ahead, she didn't dare look into his soulful eyes. They were like hot plates, and she was the butter.
"Computer, halt turbo lift." He turned to her. "You can't be seriouse. I'v noticed how stressed you've been." He paused for a moment, he truely expected her to start arguing, and he became even more worried when she didn't.
"We lost 17 crewmembers, that's a huge hit, we all feel it. But, I think you feel it more....more then anyone on this ship, you feel it."
She took a deep breath in, and let the air move heavily through her lips. "Computer resume course."
"Computer, belay that order."
She turned to him incorrigibly.
"We're not done talking Katherine."
"We are, because I say we are." She gripped her pants into a fistful of fabric.
"No, we need to talk about this. You blame yourself......"
"Who else is there to blame?" She snapped.
"How about the Mez'aps, they kidnapped two people off of this ship, they attacked us."
"And I didn't put enough distance between us. I am the captain, and I make life and death decisions that effect every member of this crew."
"And whether you like it or not, we loose people, it's a fact of life when your in a command position."
"17 people is a fact of life?"
"I admit it's a hit......"
"A hit!" She angrily snorted and shook her head. "It's more like the Titanic hitting the iceberg."
"We're not sinking, we still have a capable crew..."
"Computer, resume course." She turned back facing the doors, she gave him a sideways look, she knew he took being cut off like that as a personal insult, she knew she had to talk about it, but she couldn't, she just couldn't.
They stood there silently, the doors swished open, and they walked to the mess hall together. They heard Harry yelling, it wasn't the first time he'd had a public outburst. They watched silently, Chakotay moved forward to calm Harry when he threw his plate, but Katherine stopped him. He soon was storming out, he looked crazed, he was pulling at hair, she followed him, but stopped herself from confronting him. He was angry at Tom for the secrets he kept, but he hated her for the secrets she kept. For making Dean stay silent, but mostly he hated her for not protecting him. He never said this out loud, but she knew, she hated herself for not protecting him and Dean.
She turned around, she lost her appetite, she quickly walked into the mess hall and poured herself a cup of coffee and walked out. She said nothing to Chakotay, it was only 7:30 and it was already a shitty day.
It was 0630 hours, the computer chimmed in, Tom groaned, he had a sleepless night. He slept, but then he would wake-up, his mind went to Harry. Their troubled relationship, he would lie there, mulling over different situations, maybe he can drag him down to the holodeck. He tossed and turned, maybe they could just go down to Sandrine, get a pint, shoot some pool, he could add some good looking waitresses that only had eyes for Harry. He smiled, but it was quickly whipped away, he knew it wouldn't work, nothing seemed to work.
He stood-up and headed for the sonic showers, he groaned again. He really didn't want to take a sonic shower, it was hot, it was always hot. Not tolerably hot, not warm, not even some what managably cold, but pipping hot. He played with the idea of not taking a shower, but he didn't take one yesterday, and Belanna spent the night in his quarters. Yep, he had to take one; going to the bridge, smelling like sex, just wasn't an option.
He stepped in, the scolding hot water, he tried to keep his sopranic solo to a whisper, but damn was the water hot. When he got out, he saw Belanna standing there, trying her best not to laugh.
"I see my suffering amuses you." He quipped.
"I'm sorry." She burst out in laughter "It's not funny." She managed.
"Apparentily it is."
"No, it's just, you sing so well in the shower." She laughed again. He walked past her, and got dressed.
As soon as they walked into the mess hall he scanned it quickly, inconspicuously, he glanced over at Belanna, she had that weary look in her eyes. He hated that weary look, she hated giving it, but lately she had been worried about Tom. She felt his restlessness during the night, his trouble concentrating, she could feel the weight he held on his shoulders, heck she could practically see it.
She sighed heavily. He smiled at her, it was a full, teethy grin, made of pretense, ingeniuse happness, the type that said, I'm fine and oh god! Don't ask me if I'm alright, I just can't take another, are you alright.
They sat, he fiddled with his food, he ate half-hearitly, he mostly spend the time cutting the strange egg, and "mock sausage" as Neelix called it, more like mock food, with mock eating, mock this is better then real sausage, and mock enjoyement. He moved his food around, it looked like he was eating, truth be told, he couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think until he got the site that met him that day. Harry, lying on the ground, cut open, from what he learned later on, self-inflicted.
All that blood, the look in Harry's eyes, he sat with the young man for days, all these years on Voyager, all their antics, crazy adventures, and hillarious pranks, Tom had come to think of the younger man as a kid brother he never had. They even cut their palms, spat on it, and shook, official blood brothers.
He actually ate his food, the purple egg, and "mock sausage" wasn't half bad, the pancakes were horrendous, and the syrup was green with yellow streams, and Tom could have sworn he saw something move in it, but he was a bit scared to ask Belanna if she saw the samething, she just finished her meal. That was when Harry walked in, she sighed, again. He couldn't help it, he joined in, it seemed the sigh, maybe the sentiment, the dread, or possibly both where contagious.
"Don't go over there Tom. Just....let him be." She pleaded, he could see that she was just as tired as he was, no, that was impossible, she didn't see what he saw, he didn't feel the same burden he felt. It was much stronger, much heavier, he just couldn't let it go.
The doctor made a comment the other day, he said Tom had to resolve his issues with Harry. Saying that keeping this bottled-up would eventually effect his psychical well-being, he needed to talk. He hated talking. He'd rather make a joke, wear a rediculously bright, overly busy Hawaiin shirt, sip some outragously bright drink with a miniture umbrella and get a good old fashion tan that only lasted until you leave the holodeck. Yep! You can burn your skin until your a broiled lobster served with butter on the beachs of Tahiti, then go to shift duty and no one would know.
Tom stood-up, he didn't hear what B'lanna said, he didn't want to know, he didn't care, he wanted things to get better. He walked to Harry, and got the usual reception, maybe Tom could sell the South Pacific, mention the holodeck, and everyting will be alright. He then remebered the Captain Proton program where Captain Proton conveniently gets captured and his trusty sidekick has to save him.
He sat down, started in on the usual speach, the "I'm there for you." speech, he hated saying it, Harry hated hearing it, he knew he had to say it, Harry knew he had to hear, it was a strange nagging voice in both of their respective heads, way back there with the cobwebs, that small voice that missed the friendship, normalcy, boring routine system checks, monthly senior staff member meetings, that gave the same old questions with almost always the same boring answers. There was something to be said about boring, there was comfort there like a hot lazy Sunday afternoon, sitting in a hammock, the smell of fresh cut grass, and the taste of cool lemonade. There wasn't comfort in the look in Harry's eyes, he looked like he was ready to kill Tom, and Tom believed he would!
He never believed Harry would harm anyone, maybe he would just stun a hostile alien, wound them, but kill, it just wasn't in his nature. Then Tom remebered seeing all that blood, his friend's chest cut open, he tried to forget, the beachs of Tahiti, he would head over there after his shift.
He followed Harry's eyeline, nothing again, but there was something, there was always something there, in the corner, no one saw but Harry. It was a monster, it had to be a monster, the young ensign ran away from it every chance he got. After a while, Tom, figured it out, well, it was more like a feeling about what it was, more like, who it was. He suggested a rest, and was somewhat surprised that Harry didn't fly off the deep end, he ran off, Tom had enough, he had nothing else to give to his young friend, he jut couldn't do it anymore.
"Are you going to follow him?" He turned towards Belanna, he stood there for a moment, then just simply shook his head. He sat down, quietly and ate the aweful pancakes with green and yellow syrup.
Man it was only 7:30 in the morning, and it was already a shitty day.
