A/N - This isn't really a real world. I picked and chose things I wanted for convenience of the story, there's not really any historical accuracy or consistency. That said, enjoy!
He reached for Sara but she pushed him back down onto the bed.
"Please!" He cried. "Please don't let me die! I don't want to die!" His eyes though, reflected the terror of a man who knew he would.
"Hold him down!" The doctor shouted at Sara. She pushed on the patient as hard as she could. There was so much blood. The doctor was covered; Sara was covered. Sara looked at where the doctor was trying to stop the blood flow with both hands forced into the soldiers' abdomen. He called for another nurse; he needed more hands than he had.
A nurse ran over quickly and began following the doctor's instruction. Sara looked at the soldiers' face, he was pale, the life slowly seeping from his eyes. He looked barely nineteen.
"I'm not gonna make it am I, miss?" His voice was calm, eerie compared to his earlier panic.
"Of course you are," Sara soothed him. She placed a hand on his forehead, "You're going to make it home for Christmas, see your family again."
The man smiled distantly, his eyes no longer focused on Sara or anyone else in the room. "I miss my mom's cooking," he murmured. Sara tried to smile with tears clouding her vision.
"Well when you get home, I bet she cooks you the biggest dinner you've ever had." She saw his palm reaching, clenching and then slowly falling limp against the bed, she pulled it between her own palms. It wasn't necessary to hold him down anymore.
"I would like that…"
And then he was gone.
"No!" Sara yelled; she squeezed his hand. "Come on! Come back!" The doctor had already begun compressions but they all knew it was too late. They gave up quickly, more patients were in need of medical assistance, no time to waste on a lost cause.
His bed was taken away by more nurses and Sara just watched as his lifeless palm fell from her own.
"You're done for the night, Quin," The doctor said sternly.
Sara wasn't much aware of what he said. She felt as if she were underwater, everything was moving slowly and the sounds were distant and far away. She kept watch as the bed with the dead soldier was rolled away.
"You hear me, Quin?" He snapped his fingers in front of her face and she came back to attention, the sound of chaos and death flooding back into her skull.
"What?"
"How long you been awake?"
Sara couldn't remember. She couldn't remember the last time she slept, it felt like it had been days, but that couldn't be right could it? They weren't far from the front lines. The artillery shelling and explosions were frequent, as were the influx of wounded soldiers, they were understaffed and overworked.
"I don't-" It was as if she had forgotten how to form a sentence. She realised she was walking though, being escorted by a friendly face, she was pretty sure she knew the woman but Sara wasn't certain of much right now.
She ended up in a tent, there was a bed inside and before Sara could make her exhausted brain form another thought she was asleep for the first time in nearly three days.
The dreams were loud; they shook her skull and left her trying to run through wet cement. She was trapped with no way out and running from something she couldn't see. A man stood before her with kind blue eyes; he reached for her hand. They were standing in no mans land. Bullets striking the ground around them and Sara could only stand horrified hoping none of them hit her. "You said I'd make it home," He said.
"I know," Sara answered. "We need to get out of here though, we're going to die."
He laughed and it made Sara shiver.
"I'm stuck here now," He answered. "I can't leave."
"Yes you can!" She shouted over the booming of artillery rounds. She tried to pull his arm but he resisted. Sara couldn't wait any longer, she had to run or she would die. But as she turned to flee, she was deafened and thrown by a landmine.
She awoke sweating and gasping; heart pounding in her chest. She was in her own tent that she shared with another nurse.
X
The doctor assigned her to the medical bay. She was to treat patients with non-life-threatening injuries. She resented being sent here, nurses only got sent to the medical bay when a doctor felt they couldn't cope with emergency. Today already she had treated a broken finger, a dislocated shoulder and three cases of what appeared to be the flu. Sara took all necessary precautions but she really hoped she wouldn't catch it. She couldn't afford to be sick, especially when the people around her were starting to think she was incompetent.
Sara called for her next patient and a boy stumbled his way into her examination room.
He was young, that was obvious. He had no stubble and his fearful eyes betrayed his youth. It wasn't rare that underage soldiers made it into the army but it always saddened Sara to see them, especially when they were injured.
The boy clutched at his arm, shaking, sweating. The blood leaked between his fingers and into his dark green shirt. The material darkened and clung to the wound. It needed to be removed quickly so Sara could assess and treat it.
She was a nurse, not a doctor, but the doctors were busy with the young men dying on their tables and so Sara and a team of nurses were assessing the men who weren't currently dying.
"What's your name?"
The boy seemed to pale even as she spoke. He looked down at the blood soaking his shirt and his eyes rolled as though he might pass out.
"Okay, It's okay," Sara reassured him quickly. "Sit back against the wall and try not to look okay?" She didn't need him to faint on her.
"Can you tell me your name please?" She asked again.
He trembled as he spoke, his voice higher than Sara was expecting.
"Clement."
Sara smiled at him. "I'm going to take good care of you, Clement. Can you tell me what happened?"
He swallowed hard; shook his head. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, you're probably in a lot of pain."
He nodded and Sara knew she needed to hurry so as to not torture the poor boy. "I'm going to remove this okay? I need you to take your hand off for me." She reached for his shirt but he flinched away from her with wide terrified eyes.
"I know it hurts. But I can't help if you don't let me."
He shook his head and moved as far from Sara as he could. "I can't," He said. "You can't-"
"There's nothing to be proper about. I've seen it all before, trust me."
"No," He said, shaking and scared.
For someone so scared Sara was surprised he was denying her help. He intrigued her. "The doctors are busy. Men are dying and my time can be used better elsewhere. If you aren't going to let me help you then you need to leave." Sara didn't really mean it of course. She cared for all of her patients, even the stubborn ones. This was just a trick she used sometimes to get them to realise how silly they were being. It seemed to work.
He relented and let Sara begin to remove his shirt. He couldn't lift his arm to aid her so she cut the material from his arm instead. His tan undershirt was next and what Sara found surprised her, shocked her, she gasped and looked up into Clement's pale face.
His chest was bound tightly with bandages; He didn't appear to be injured anywhere other than his arm and so Sara knew what those bandages meant.
"You're a woman," She said in stunned disbelief.
The boy, girl? The girl began to cry. "P-please don't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone!" She pleaded with Sara.
"What's your actual name?" Sara asked more sternly.
"Tegan," She sniffed. "My arm, it hurts. Please-"
Sara pushed aside this new piece of shocking information in favour of doing her job. "Sit back," The girl leaned against the wall, her head lay back looking to the roof, silent tears of pain and probably fear rolled down her cheeks.
"Were you shot?" Sara asked. It looked like a bullet wound but she wanted to confirm.
She nodded, still without opening her eyes.
Although Sara knew she shouldn't, they didn't have enough as it was, "I'm going to administer you some pain relief, this should help you relax a little." She searched for the little glass jar of morphine and located a syringe quickly. "Okay, just a little pinch," as she pierced her skin with the needle. The girl flinched at that too and Sara's heart broke a little. Why was this girl at war? She could barely handle an injection. "You should feel that working soon." "Okay," Sara felt around the wound, the blood had already begun to slow which was a good sign. She set to cleaning it quickly. Tegan tried to hold back her whimpers of pain whenever Sara manipulated her arm into a painful position. "This is going to hurt. The bullet is still inside, but I'm going to remove it now."
Tegan scrunched up her face in anticipatory pain and nodded once more.
The bullet came out easily enough, a gush of blood pouring out after it but Sara was pleased to see no fragmented pieces lodged throughout the muscle. Tegan cried especially hard at that.
"It didn't break bone, it's just a flesh wound. A deep one but you'll heal up fine soon enough."
Tegan nodded, sucked in air through her teeth as she seemed to grow dizzy once again.
"I'm just going to close the wound now with stitches then we'll wrap you in bandages and put your shirt back on." Tegan's demeanour seemed to unwind a little and Sara was unaware whether that be because of the morphine beginning to take effect or the offer to put her shirt back on.
"Okay, all done," Sara patted Tegan's arm and found a clean spare tan shirt for Tegan to put on. Sara helped her slip her head through and her left arm, but then left her right arm tucked close to her body in a sling beneath the shirt instead. "Feel a little better?"
"Yes, thank you." She seemed tired. Sara needed to find a bed for her to sleep in but they were all full. They'd been setting up patients on the ground between the beds and Sara knew she'd have to do the same with Tegan. Beds were only for the critical patients.
"I'm going to set you up in the recovery ward. Can you follow me?"
She agreed and stood up with a grimace.
Sara led the way. The closer they came to the ward the louder the howling became. Agonized screams from suffering soldiers. They had to conserve their morphine supplies. The stocks were running low and more wouldn't be available for a while yet. Sara had to begin her rounds and check up on her patients but she needed to find the woman a place to sleep for the night.
They entered the ward and rows upon rows of wounded soldiers cried out. There were visible blood stains from every corner of the room. Sara stepped around the soldiers already situated on the floor with practiced ease and found a small place for Tegan for the night between a man with severe head wounds and another who would never walk again.
"I'm afraid we haven't any more space," Sara handed her a blanket. "You'll have to stay here for the night."
Tegan looked scared. Her eyes wide with fear, and her skin white as the sheet Sara handed to her. She looked at the chaos around her and began to breathe heavily.
Sara knew it was a lot to take in. She remembered the day she first stepped into this room. She had never felt so helpless. She wanted to help people, not listen to them suffer and die. "I need to get back to work and begin my rounds, I'll be back to check on you within a few hours. Try to get some sleep." Sara knew though that whatever sleep she may get would not come easily, if at all.
Tegan nodded blankly in response, she slumped against the wall and curled her good arm around her knees leaving the blanket to her side.
"Here," Sara picked up the blanket and draped it over her. "Do try to sleep." With that she walked away. She knew she would have to tell someone about the woman in her charge but right now she had bigger things to worry about.
The next few hours were long and gruelling. Three more men died of their injuries and Sara could do nothing to help them. The ones that she could help she couldn't help enough. She was forbidden to use morphine on non-critical patients and the ones that were critical mostly died. Guilt gnawed at her heart for wasting such a precious resource on the woman with a non-life threatening injury but Sara was quick to push it aside, sometimes the rules were made to be bent.
She was exhausted, barely able to stand but unable to give up. Two nurses worked with her but none of them spoke, they were zombies on auto-pilot.
The screams barely registered. She changed IV's, bandages and catheters in a mechanical fashion. Made sure the ones that were asleep were still responsive and called someone over to remove a dead soldier when they weren't. They needed to free up the beds.
The men that were awake cried to her, begged her to tell them they'd make it home but the truth was some of them would be sent back to the frontlines. They needed the men and if they still had arms and legs then they would be sent back after having time to heal. The same would happen to the female soldier if she were not found out.
It tore Sara up inside, it ate away at her soul and she could feel the irreversible damage it caused to her psyche everyday.
"Sara! I need help!" Sara snapped out of autopilot and ran to the nurse calling for her. A patient was trying to rip his IV's out, the nurse Sara recognised as her best friend, Emy struggled to hold him down.
"Sir, you need to calm down!" Emy yelled.
"Let me die! Please! Don't make me live like this!" He cried and Sara could see why. He was missing both legs. One from the knee down and the other from the thigh down.
Sara helped Emy to calm him. She spoke soft words while Emy administered more of their precious morphine and he went to sleep not a moment after. It wasn't the first time this had happened. Many soldiers begged for death and if Sara were honest, she didn't blame them. She couldn't imagine the things they had seen and the terror of their experience on the frontlines of war. Physical injuries were curable but there was no escaping from the mental torment.
Emy burst into tears. She sobbed heavily and Sara pulled her into a tight embrace remembering how she had felt. "Hey, when did you last sleep?"
Emy rubbed at her eyes attempting to pull herself together. "I-I can't remember, two days ago?"
"Go get some rest. You need it."
"I can't, my shift's not over. I h-have to-"
"I can cover for you." Sara rubbed her arms. "Go get some rest."
"I can't make you do that; you've already been on almost fourteen hours."
Sara gave her a tired grin, "Yeah, well I think you've been on even longer than that haven't you?"
Emy nodded.
"Go on," Sara encouraged her and she didn't put up any more resistance. She walked away back to the nurse's quarters and Sara took over caring for Emy's charges as well as her own.
Sara kept at it until her eyes felt like they were rolling backwards into her skull. Her limbs were weighted down like lead and every step felt like an accomplishment.
"Quin!" She stood to attention at the doctor who called her name.
"Yes, Doctor."
It was Doctor Merret, the one who had assigned her to the medical bay. He was a large stern looking man with grey eyes and the hair to match. He removed his bloody gloves as he addressed her.
"Why does it say this patient received morphine?" He pushed his dirty gloves into Sara's hands and picked up the man's chart from earlier.
"Doctor," Sara began. "He was inconsolable, a danger to himself and anyone around him. I had to-"
"A danger!?" He boomed. "The man's got no damn legs Quin! Who the hell is he a danger to?"
"He was tearing out his IV's," She tried anxiously to explain, "It was the only way I-"
"We don't have enough morphine to hand out to patient's you can't control, Quin! Do you understand that there is a shortage?"
He stared at her incredulously and Sara dropped her eyes. "Yes, Doctor."
"Because it seems to me like you don't. Who signed off on this?"
"Me," Sara answered. "Just me. I'm sorry."
He seemed to take unkindly to her apology as a scowl drew his lips together. "I don't want an apology. I want you to follow the rules. I want to walk away from here knowing that my orders are being followed and not disrespected. You are not in charge here; do you understand that? This is my ward and you will follow the rules, got it?"
"Yes, Doctor."
Her submission seemed to placate him. He ran a hand back through his wiry hair and shoved the clipboard into Sara's chest where she was still clutching his dirty gloves. "Get back to work." He stormed off and Sara relaxed only once he was out of sight. She hated being reprimanded, but more she hated that he thought her an incompetent nurse, she could see it when he spoke to her, hear it in the patronizing tone of his voice.
She was so tired. So very tired.
Sara reached the woman she treated earlier. The blanket was completely covering her and when Sara pulled it back she was curled in the foetal position on her side with her good hand covering one ear. She was shaking.
"Hey, Clement! Can you hear me," Sara leaned down to gently nudge her. Tegan kept rocking and Sara had seen that before too, it was common after listening to the cries all night.
"Clement, I need you to sit up for me please."
At Sara's request she shuffled up against the wall, but didn't attempt to make eye contact. Sara knew she needed to inform her superiors about this woman but now was not that time.
Sara leaned closer to the soldiers' ear so no one could hear her, not that anyone could over the noise in this room anyway. When she was close she realised just how bad this woman smelled, like dirt, old sweat and body odour. Sara spoke quickly, "I need to change your bandages and check on your wound but I can't do that amongst everyone else in here. I'll need to take you back to the examination room. Can you follow me?"
She nodded and stood with great difficulty, Sara hooked an arm through hers and together they made their way outside into the quiet cold night and back into the room they first met in.
"Do you need help removing your shirt?"
"N-no, I got it." Tegan wriggled awkwardly, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment that Sara pretended not to see, she managed to remove the shirt while Sara purposefully turned around to locate the fresh bandages and antiseptics.
When Sara turned back, Tegan had her head back against the wall and was sucking the air between her teeth like she had been doing earlier, a grimace on her pale face.
"I know it hurts." Sara said sympathetically. She began to remove the old bandages now soaked with blood and Tegan whimpered at every touch. "I can't give you any more pain relief, I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Just do it. P-please hurry."
"Okay." Sara got to work and for the most part Tegan did well to hide her discomfort. Sara moved as efficiently and painlessly as she possibly could on such a small amount of sleep.
"Can you distract me? Talk to me?" Tegan winced as Sara cleaned the wound.
"Sure. How old are you?"
"Not about me," She replied.
"Okay," Sara paused for a moment unable to think of anything, her brain felt like mush.
"I saw what you did for that nurse earlier, covering her shift."
Sara nodded. "She'd do the same for me."
"And you took the blame for the morphine," She pointed out.
"She's my friend," Sara said. "Of course I did." She began wrapping the fresh bandages.
"You're a good person."
That made Sara want to cry, because she didn't feel like a good person, leaving people to suffer and not ever being able to help enough. She didn't even feel like a person at the moment, just a robot working on adrenalin and muscle memory. She changed the subject. "You were supposed to be sleeping. Not watching what I was doing."
"I couldn't sleep." And Sara knew how impossible it would be to sleep in that room, especially on the floor and in pain. Tegan shivered and Sara could see the goose bumps all over her skin. She was dirty, Sara was used to that but this woman was especially unclean. Sara's nose hurt from the odour, strong and lingering.
"You'll have to try."
"I know."
"Okay, all done. Let's get you back so I can finish for the night, I'll be back to check on you in the morning though."
On the way back to the ward the shelling began. It was so close that the ground shook along with all of the tents around them. It was deafening and they needed to find cover.
Tegan cowered against Sara's side and Sara's instincts set in to find a safe place for them. "Clement! Stand up, we need to find shelter." She shouted over the bombing and Tegan righted herself as much as she could. Sara hooked an arm around her and ran to the nearest tent she could find. It was empty thankfully, and Sara ordered Tegan to get under the cot. She did as Sara asked and curled up there terrified.
Sara worried for her other patients, she had to get back to them and calm them down, keep them safe. She ran to exit the tent when she heard Tegan call out to her.
"Where are you going!?" She'd pulled herself out a little from beneath the cot but flinched every time the ground shook.
"My patients!" Sara shouted. "I have to get back to them!"
She looked like she was going to accept that when another tremendous boom sounded and she cried out. "Please don't leave me." It made Sara remember the man begging her not to let him die and she knew she couldn't leave. "Please, I'm scared."
Another resounding boom and Sara clutched the wall of the tent for support. The ground shook and Sara found herself on her knees crawling towards the soldier. When she reached her she pulled the two of them beneath the cot and situated herself over her patient protectively while still being careful not to put any weight on her bad arm.
Tegan shook beneath her and Sara listened to her cries. There was nothing she could do at this moment that she wasn't already doing. Personal items strung up around the tent began to fall and clatter to the ground. Pictures of family, bottles and glasses shattered around them and anything that wasn't tied down moved. The shelling was so close. It hadn't been this close before and Sara considered the thought that she might die here.
"We're going to be okay," She panted. "It's going to stop soon. It always does." Her heart raced inside her chest. "It always does." Not sure who she was trying to convince.
She clutched Tegan harder, flinching as the sound of another glass shattering rang in their ears. Tegan trembled at every sound and Sara could do nothing to stop her shaking. If they made it through this, Sara would be sure to get this woman discharged and sent back to her home where it was safe.
"We're going to die. Aren't we?" she heard Tegan sob.
"We're not going to die. Our soldiers will push them back, I know it." She didn't though. Maybe this was it for them and the war would be lost.
Tegan was warm and the embrace of another body against her own was immensely comforting after so many months at war alone. Sara held tight to the patient for both of their sakes.
She hoped her death was quick.
X
"Nurse?"
Sara heard a quiet voice call out to her but she was somewhere else in a comfortable place.
"Nurse? Wake up." Sara felt someone shake her insistently and she could think of nothing worse than opening her heavy eyelids. The person became more insistent and reluctantly Sara did. The first thing she noticed was her aching muscles and joints, the second thing she noticed was the soft warm person she was laying on.
She sat up abruptly. "Ow!" Her head slammed into the cot they were hunkered underneath. Sara ducked back down rubbing her head and then blushed when she met Tegan's wide eyes. If she wasn't mistaken there was a tiny smile wanting to curl her lips.
"Don't laugh," Sara grumbled. She was having a hard time remembering where they were and why.
"I'm not," Tegan answered back, this time her lips betrayed her and she gave a small smile. The first one Sara had seen on her and it made her momentarily lose her breath. She became aware of her heart thudding rhythmically in her chest. Her face hot.
Sara looked around, it was still dark but she could sense the early morning seeping into the atmosphere around them. "How long have we been here?"
"I don't know. I fell asleep too."
They must have fallen asleep some point after the shelling. She couldn't believe they managed to sleep during any of that but the exhaustion must have been heavy in their bones.
Sara's mind went immediately back to her patients. She needed to check on them. She hoped the shelling didn't cause them any harm, hoped that the hospital was mostly intact, she should have been there. Her eyes stung, she shouldn't have left the ward to treat Tegan, but she did and she hoped no one suffered in her absence. She could never forgive herself if anything happened.
"I need to see to my patients." Sara pulled herself off of Tegan and slid herself out from under the cot. The small space in the tent was a mess, glass and belongings scattered across the floor. A sharp sting pierced her hand and she pulled it to her chest with a yelp. "Damn glass." A small bead of blood appeared in the middle of her palm, she wiped it on her sleeve and pulled herself up to her feet.
"Are you okay to climb out?" She called to Tegan still beneath the bed.
There was a grunt and then a mumbled, "Yes."
Sara waited a few moments for Tegan to crawl out too. It took longer with her injured arm. "Watch the glass," Sara warned. Tegan did so and finally stood, Sara could tell how stiff and weary she was with the hunch in her back. She shook out her legs and began to stumble. Sara caught her shoulder before she fell. "Woah there, you alright?"
"Yeah," She tried to shake her leg awake again. "My legs are asleep. I think where you were laying on them."
Sara blushed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you discomfort."
"No!" Tegan assured her. "You didn't- I mean. Thanks for not leaving me. Thank you for staying."
If Sara were being honest, she felt comfort from Tegan's presence. She slept better than she had in months crammed under a bed listening to artillery rounds and that scared her.
She cleared her throat. "C'mon we need to get you back."
X
It was havoc when they reached the recovery ward. Nurses and doctors flitted in and out of the room pushing gurneys and stepping over the soldiers on the floor. Sara showed Tegan to another spare space on the floor and left her there. She needed to get to emergency. The wounded soldiers from the nights heavy shelling were arriving. All staff were on deck and Sara rushed to scrub up and get in there.
They worked for hours. Sara couldn't remember the last time she ate and didn't really have the time to think about it. When the flow of soldiers began to calm and the most critical men were taken care of, Sara was excused from her duties and she practically ran to the mess hall where supper was being served.
Their food supplies weren't doing so well either, it had been weeks since Sara last ate any meat. They were living off of soup, beans and stale bread. Sara fixed herself a plate and slumped down at one of the portable tables. It tasted like the best meal she had ever eaten. Her stomach filled quickly but she forced herself to eat in case it was a while until her next meal.
Emy pulled up a seat next to her. "I'm starving," She moaned. Emy looked just as exhausted as Sara felt, she had purple bruising beneath her eyes and her movements were slow and heavy.
"I know how you feel," Sara answered still spooning the food into her mouth even though she was well past full. "What happened last night? Did you sleep through the shelling?"
Emy spoke through a mouthful of food; there was no need for manners any more. "No, I woke up to my bed shaking and went to help out in emergency. I barely made it there, that was the worst shelling I've experienced since I got here."
"I know," Sara agreed. "I thought I might die."
Emy nodded solemnly. "Where were you?"
Images of Tegan's sweet smile from that morning flooded her mind and the comfortable sleep she'd had crouching for safety beneath the cot.
"I was walking a patient back from one of the examination rooms when it started. We ended up in someone's empty tent, huddled beneath a cot."
Emy kept shovelling food into her mouth and then paused. "You spent the night with a man?" Her eyes lit up at the thought of possible gossip.
Sara pushed her shoulder half-heartedly. "It wasn't like that. He was scared and hurt and we couldn't have made it back safely."
Emy finished her soup and then began tearing into her bread. "I'm jealous." She sighed. "I'd kill to spend the night with a man."
"Emy!" Sara gasped, she felt the blush warm her cheeks. "It really wasn't like that." Plus, Sara thought, she was a woman, not a man. And also maybe it actually was like that, which was an even more terrifying thought.
"I'm just saying," Emy smiled. Sara always tried to avoid conversations like this. They made her uncomfortable but for some reason it was Emy's favourite topic.
Sara yawned, "I'm going to hit the showers. You want to come?"
"Yeah, I need to wash all this blood off me."
They took their empty trays to the kitchen and then walked together to the women's showers, chatting and laughing like they hadn't been wrist deep in blood and guts all day.
Other women were taking advantage of the showers too and Sara and Emy waited until there was a spare one for each of them to get in.
The hot water had all been used and Sara irrationally or perhaps entirely rationally wanted to cry. Instead she showered as fast as she could and bid good night to Emy on the way out.
Her tent was trashed when she got back to it, her belongings and the woman's she shared the tent with were scattered across the floor. Sara though, was too tired to clean it up. She fell into her cot for another night of restless sleep.
X
The next day was Sara's to spend as she liked. The first thing she did was clean up the mess in her tent. It took a while to sweep all the broken glass and it hurt when she saw the picture frame of her family back home had a large crack through the middle of it. She placed it back next to her bed with a sigh. Everything was broken in this place, the people were no exception.
Her tent mate was a very serious older woman. She didn't joke or smile much and Sara tried to keep out of her way as much as possible. Sara assumed she had seen a lot for her to be the way she was now.
Sara was immersed in her book, waiting for lunch to be served when she came back to the tent.
"Good afternoon," Sara smiled to her. The nurse nodded in acknowledgement.
Her name was Nurse King and she really did intimidate Sara even though she had never once been rude to her.
"Thank you for cleaning up in here."
"Oh, you're welcome." Sara placed her book down. "I put your belongings in the corner there, I wasn't sure where you would want them."
"That's very kind," She didn't smile but it was the best Sara was going to get.
Maybe she was lonely, a lot of the women here were in their early twenties, like Sara herself. Maybe nurse King just felt left out. "I'm about to head down to get some lunch if you'd like to join me?"
"I've just come from there, and I'm exhausted. Thank you for the offer though."
"Of course," Sara smiled. "I'll see you later."
X
Sara ran into Emy on the way back from the mess tent.
"That patient of yours, Sara." She shook her head frustrated. "He just about lost it at me."
"Which one? What happened?" Sara couldn't think which of her patients would have done that. None had so far anyway.
Emy wiped an arm against her sweaty forehead. "The boy, he's young. He looks no older than sixteen. I think he said his name was Clement."
Oh no. "What about him?" Sara asked attempting a calm exterior.
"He needs to bathe but would not let me touch him with the sponge. He just about cried and begged me to get you."
"Oh," Sara said.
"What's wrong with him? It's just a bullet wound on his arm isn't it?" She asked bewildered.
"Yes," Sara answered. "But he seems to have grown fond of me. I can assist him if you like?"
"Yeah, I told him you had the night shift tonight and would be back then."
Sara was relieved; she didn't seem suspicious at all. "Thanks, Emy."
They parted ways and Sara went back to her tent to rest before her shift.
X
It was a rare quiet night in emergency and the men in the ward were quieter than usual. Sara felt a sense of calm and ease and decided to take advantage of this brief lull.
She approached Tegan's bed where she was fast asleep. Her face shifted into a frown and her eyelids flickered with what Sara could only imagine was a bad dream. It was around 3am in the morning, Sara felt awful for what she was about to do, the girl probably hadn't managed to sleep for a long time.
Sara shook her leg. "Clement. Wake up." Tegan shifted beneath the covers and then stirred gently into consciousness. "I see you finally got a bed," Sara smiled.
Tegan's blurry eyes opened wide when she noticed who it was talking to her. She smiled big and it warmed Sara's heart. "Nurse, Quin."
"I heard you got upset with my friend," Sara said, knowing perfectly well why Tegan threw a fit but for some reason still wanting to pick on her for it.
"I'm sorry." Tegan's eyes dropped to her hands where she fiddled with a corner of the blanket. "She was trying to give me a sponge bath. I couldn't let her find out."
"And here I just thought you liked being dirty," Sara joked and Tegan's face went the deepest shade of red she'd seen. It was a look full of shame and Sara wished she could take her words back. "It's okay. I mean, if you weren't dirty I'd think you hadn't been fighting hard out there." But the both of them knew Tegan was dirtier even than most of the men that came through here.
Tegan dropped her voice to a whisper. "The men would sometimes swim in the lake nearby. I couldn't join them."
"I understand, Tegan. I'm not judging you." Sara felt terrible.
Tegan nodded but could no longer make eye contact.
"That's actually why I'm here." Sara looked at her watch. "It's five past three. Obviously I can't give you your bath here but the women's showers should be empty at this time and there should be hot water. Would you like me to take you there?"
"Really?" Tegan sat up like an excited child.
"Yes." Sara laughed. "I'll even let you borrow my soap."
Tegan was out of the bed before Sara could blink. "Thank you. Seriously, thank you."
Sara just lead the way trying to hold back her smile. "C'mon, it's this way."
X
Just as Sara had suspected, the shower stalls were all empty. She knew they would be but that lingering worry in the back of her head was only put to rest after actually seeing it.
"I'm just going to need you to keep your arm out of the spray," Sara ordered as Tegan began to undress.
"Sure thing, nurse."
Something felt too official about that term. "You can call me, Sara. If you want to, just when we're alone y'know. Maybe not in front of other people though."
Sara turned away as she saw Tegan beginning to undo her chest bindings. Who knew how long they had been on her for. Sara would be surprised if they hadn't caused some kind of damage.
Tegan released a little laugh at Sara's expense. "Sure thing, Sara."
It felt nice being called by her name.
The water started and Sara felt it was safe for her to turn back around now that the stall door was closed, which was weird because she'd never felt the need to turn around before. Maybe it was subconscious because Tegan still looked very much like a boy. She could see from Tegan's shoulders and up and just as she asked, Tegan kept her injured arm out of the water.
It was a cold night and the steam began to rise around Tegan's head.
She heard Tegan moan and laughed. "Feel good?"
She moaned again. "You have no idea."
This benefitted Sara too. Tegan was going to smell nice after this.
"Umm, Sara?"
"Yeah?"
"I can't- Could you help me wash my hair. My arm- I can't do it with one."
Suddenly Sara was very aware that Tegan was not wearing clothes. She cleared her throat where her pulse was now rapidly thudding away. "S-sure. I can do that."
She walked into the stall next to Tegan's and Tegan passed her the bar of soap with a shy smile. "Thanks."
Sara pulled her lips between her teeth with a determined nod. She leaned over the stall wall and kept her eyes firmly locked on Tegan's dirty wet hair. It was short and shaggy. She began to lather the soap on Tegan's head and then ran her fingers through the shaggy mess. She enjoyed touching her.
"Ooh," Tegan groaned again and it did something unexpected to Sara's body. She felt the pulse between her legs, felt the beginnings of sexual arousal.
"Sorry," Tegan laughed, embarrassed. "It just feels so good after so long."
Sara massaged her scalp with gentle but firm pressure. Ignoring the reaction her body was having to Tegan's naked proximity. The soap and water coming away from her hair was almost black. It would have to be washed a few times. "I can imagine," Sara replied stiffly.
Something in her voice must have sounded off because Tegan looked up at her, one eye closed from the stinging water. "Are you okay, Nurse?"
"I'm fine." Sara quickly dunked Tegan under the water to rinse her hair and get that eye off of her. The dirty water ran down Tegan's shoulders and Sara watched it with intense focus, only pulling her eyes away when it reached the curve of Tegan's ass.
Tegan was watching her again. "You can look you know? I don't mind."
Sara tore her eyes from Tegan's hair to her face. "What?"
Tegan shrugged. "It just looked like you wanted to. That's all."
"I don't." Sara responded stiffly again.
"Okay."
Tegan didn't mention it again and Sara lathered up and rinsed her hair for her two more times before handing the bar back to Tegan to clean the rest of her body. The body that Sara now couldn't seem to stop thinking about.
Tegan must have been in the shower an hour. She only stepped out when she complained of the water getting cold. It gave Sara enough time to recollect her thoughts and calm down a little.
"You're lucky," Sara laughed. "I haven't had hot water in months, everyone always beats me to it. Maybe I need to start showering at 3am." Sara turned away again and listened to Tegan drying herself.
"Sara?"
She nearly froze.
"Yes, Tegan?"
"I need help again."
Lord help me.
"What's wrong?"
"I can't do up my binding."
Sara stood there for a moment breathing and thinking. She needed to be a professional and help her patient. That's all it was. She took a deep breath and turned around. Tegan had the towel around her waist the way a man would but Sara could see the top part of her body and small frame.
Sara's breath caught in her throat. Tegan was slim and very pale, she had small breasts and Sara found herself trying to pull her eyes away. She followed the thin line of muscle down the middle of Tegan's abdomen and stopped where it met the towel.
"Nothing you haven't seen before right?" Tegan said self-consciously after Sara hadn't moved or said anything for a moment.
Sara forced herself to move. "No."
Tegan was holding the dirty stained binding she'd been wearing previously and went to hand it to Sara. Thankfully Sara had thought ahead.
"I brought fresh bandages to use," Sara said. "You won't have to wear that dirty one anymore."
There was genuine gratitude in Tegan's eyes. "Thank you. Truly."
Sara grabbed the new ones and handed the end to Tegan. "Hold that against your- your chest." Tegan did so and Sara stood in front of her beginning to wrap the binding around Tegan's breasts.
It was quiet and Tegan seemed never to take her eyes from Sara's face, it was unnerving.
"You can go a little tighter," her voice caught the way a pubescent boys' would and she cleared her throat.
"I don't want to hurt you. It can't be good wearing this all the time." Sara examined the red marks on her skin from the old bandages with a worried crease to her brow.
"Better that than someone finding me out."
Sara considered that and obliged by pulling them a little tighter. Her breasts were no longer visible and Sara's heart calmed. "There you go. All done."
Tegan didn't answer her and when Sara looked up to see why, Tegan stepped away abruptly, cleared her throat, "Thanks."
Sara let her get dressed and waited patiently against the wall.
"I have to report you," Sara said as they began their walk back to the ward. It was cold out and Sara could see her breath visible in the air against the moon light. The gravel crunched beneath their feet in uneven strides.
"You can't," Tegan panicked, her voice heightened in pitch.
Sara studied her face under the moonlight. "Tegan, you can return to your family, you'll be safe." She explained.
Tegan shook her head. "You're wrong, please you can't report me."
"What are you so afraid of?" Sara asked her curiously, what could be more frightening than war?
"If you promise not to report me," Tegan looked at Sara, her eyes completely black in the darkness. "Maybe I'll tell you one day."
Sara sighed, "I can't make that promise."
They made it back to the ward but didn't enter, hesitating at the entrance. Tegan didn't argue, instead she looked at Sara so intensely that Sara could not maintain the gaze. She looked away.
"I understand," Tegan whispered and turned to enter the tent. Sara trailed along behind with a quiet sigh wondering just how she got herself into this predicament. If Doctor Merret found out, it could be the end of her career. But if he didn't, Tegan would be sent back to the front lines, Sara was sure of it.
X
Emy flounced into Sara's tent, dropped down onto the cot next to her. Sara looked up from her book. "That boy's sweet on you," She nudged Sara with a conspiratorial grin.
Sara had some free time and had decided to quietly spend it reading in her tent. However, it was not unusual for Emy to appear suddenly with half a conversation only she had the context for and interrupt Sara's quiet time, it was a quirk that Sara both loved and tolerated in the girl.
"Huh, which boy?"
"That young soldier," Emy insisted. "He asks about you whenever you're off duty."
Oh that soldier Sara thought. "I'm sure he just likes me better because I'm gentle."
Emy gasped and smacked Sara in the arm playfully. "I'm gentle too!"
"Ouch," Sara exaggerated rubbing her arm, her eyes lit up and she took advantage of the moment to tease Emy, "That's not what your patients have been telling me. 'Please ma'am don't let her touch me!' 'Miss, she's coming back, please don't let her hurt me again!' These are soldiers, Emy, and they're more afraid of you than the war!" Sara finished laughing.
Emy looked scandalised. "They do not say that."
Sara shrugged cheekily, "Whatever you say."
Emy grumbled and crossed her arms. Sara pushed her shoulder playfully, Emy wasn't rough with her patients at all, in fact she was probably more gentle than Sara, especially when it came to the tough love attitude that Sara spoke to some of them with, Emy had a lot more empathy. "I'm just teasing; they don't say that."
"They'd better not, or maybe I will give them something to complain about." Sara laughed and Emy's demeanour lit up again, she often reminded Sara of an excitable puppy. She was always cheerful and it really helped to have someone like that in a place like this. Sara didn't know how she did it. "I'm serious though, y'know," she continued. "He likes you."
You're wrong, Sara thought. She doesn't like me. She can't like me. "Well I don't like him," Sara answered safely.
"Oh come on," Emy smiled. "I've seen the way you look at him."
Sara put her book down, dog earing the page and placing it on the stand beside her bed. This conversation was making her uneasy but curiosity made her ask, "How do I look at him?"
"Like you're afraid," she answered plainly, like it was obvious. "Your eyes scatter away nervously but then always find their way back to his face when he isn't looking."
Is that how I look at her? Has anyone else noticed? Sara pushed away the thoughts, she decided to go with avoidance. "Why are you watching me so intently while I work, Emy?" She asked. "Sounds like maybe you're the one who likes me."
"Gross!" Emy remarked, it wasn't mean spirited but it made something inside of Sara coil. She didn't like the feeling. "I've gotta get my kicks somewhere, single girl like me. Watching you two gives me a vicarious thrill."
"Well you'll have to find your thrills elsewhere," Sara dismissed, not unkindly but certainly more firm than she usually spoke to Emy. "Whatever you're seeing isn't there."
Emy sighed not entirely picking up on Sara's tone. "It's just as well, he seems a bit young anyway."
Before Sara could argue that he was probably the same age as her! Emy had billowed her way back out of Sara's tent with a hasty goodbye. She was like the wind in some ways, Sara thought, flowing freely and turning up only to disappear a moment later. Her carefree spirit only seemed to aid that analogy.
Sara was nothing of a carefree spirit, and any remnants she may have had were stripped away from that conversation with Emy. She felt a great unease settle within her gut, vaguely nauseous, while thoughts she didn't want to entertain swirled around the outside of her consciousness. She wouldn't let them in and certainly wouldn't let them find voice, not even a wordless image would drift through. But they were there, circling and it was now a conscious effort to keep them at bay.
X
Sara entered the ward with a stern resolve she intended to maintain. She didn't like that Emy had noticed her and Tegan's interactions, though they had been entirely innocent, Emy had misconstrued them to see something there that wasn't. Doctor Merret already thought her incompetent and she didn't want to give him or anyone else reason to scrutinize her behaviour. Each patient was treated in a distant but professional manner. When it came to the female soldier that started all this, Sara sensed her confusion from the brisk and unengaging changing of her bandages. Sense her hurt when Sara coldly checked her vitals. There was no conversation and Sara was swift to move on to the next patient, not once looking back.
Somehow over the next couple days it was worse that Tegan didn't ask her why she was being so clinical. Sara of course couldn't explain the answer and was glad for the lack of questioning, but catching glimpses of her hurt stare from across the room was heart wrenching. It seemed not to matter how much Sara externally shut off her emotions, internally they wreaked havoc on her heart. No, not her heart, she corrected. There was definitely no feeling there.
X
Sara hadn't noticed her lack of nightmares in recent times until they came back.
She crouched down in the trench, her feet and knees ached with pressure while she wiped the sweat from her brow. 'I'm not supposed to be here,' she thought. And then she shouted, "I'm not supposed to be here!" to anyone that would listen. The men that surrounded her in the trench though didn't hear her, they didn't turn to listen, their faces turned away from her own. When she rose to her feet, bullets began to shower above her head and she promptly fell back down to her knees in terror. Gasping for air, she crawled through the thick mud to the man closest to her and tugged his shoulder. His body fell toward her, his face lifeless and grey. She screamed but no sound came out, scrambled backwards on her hands and knees until she crashed into another soldier, this one scared her more, for he had no face at all.
A rifle appeared in her hands, the metal smooth and heavy. She tried to drop it but found herself unable to. The bullets firing from overhead subsided and in the silence a voice rang out. "C'mon Sara. You can't protect me forever."
"Tegan?" Sara edged her way toward the wall of the trench and hesitantly peered above it. Tegan stood in the middle of the war zone completely weaponless wearing only her bandaged chest and camouflaged pants for protection.
"Tegan!" She shouted. "Get down!"
Tegan shook her head.
"You're going to get killed! Get down!"
Again Tegan shook her head. The firing started up again and the dirt around Tegan rose up in scattered clumps as the bullets penetrated the earth around her. It wouldn't be long before they hit her. Sara looked down at her gun and then back up to where Tegan stood.
A look of horror distorted Tegan's face. "No, Sara. You can't protect me."
Sara raised the gun and aimed away from Tegan to where the bullets were coming from. Her finger hesitated on the trigger, and then a loud shot rang out. She was lurched backwards down into the trench.
She climbed frantically on her hands and knees to peer back out over the trench wall and what she found made her scream. Tegan, dead from a single gun shot wound. Sara knew it was her own.
"Wake up!"
Sara snapped awake, drenched in a cold sweat. A firm hand gripped her shoulder and before her mind had really awoken she thought it was the faceless man from her dream.
She pulled away, clambering to the corner of her bed, hands placed protectively around her knees. Then the room was illuminated and Sara could make out Nurse King placing a lantern on her stand.
"You're going to wake the entire camp if you keep screaming like that," Nurse king chided.
Sara clutched her knees, panting and exhausted. "I'm s-sorry," she stuttered. Attempting to find her voice in the night.
"Don't be," Nurse king sat on her own cot and looked across at Sara sympathetically. It was the most emotion Sara had seen in the woman. "I used to get them too."
"Nightmares?" Sara whispered.
"Yes."
"I thought they were gone," She said simply, her heart pounding still.
"They have a way of creeping up on you."
"Yes," Sara agreed.
Nurse king rose and turned out the lantern. "Try and get some sleep."
Sleep was too much to ask for right now though. Sara felt trapped in her tent, claustrophobic, like the walls would collapse in on her. She felt the damp material of her pyjamas. Never had she sweat so much.
"I'm going to shower," Sara said to Nurse King.
"It's two am."
"I won't be long," Sara replied. "I just need to freshen up."
There was a long pause before Nurse King responded with an uninterested. "Suit yourself."
X
There was hot water available but for the first time, Sara didn't want it. She was scared the warmth would lull her into a sleepy fog and sleep was the last thing she wanted right now. Instead she blasted the cold water over her face and body and stood there as long as she could before it became unbearable.
Her body was covered in goose bumps when she stepped out but she was wide awake. Her skin cold but fresh and no longer sticky with sweat. It was pitiful to admit as a grown adult that her nightmares frightened her, but they did. Especially that one, that one was worse than the others and the faceless man kept flashing into her memory.
X
Tegan was asleep when Sara approached her bed, it was odd because it was almost ten in the morning and Sara was surprised the bustle of day time hadn't awoken her.
She shook Tegan's shoulder, "Soldier, wake up."
Tegan murmured a little in her sleep but did not awaken. Sara looked closer at her face, her brow was drawn into a worried frown, beads of sweat prickled on her skin. Sara touched the back of her palm to her forehead, the skin was hot with fever and Sara shook her harder.
"Soldier," She said firmly. "If you can hear me, open your eyes."
Again Tegan didn't respond, Sara reached for her pen and placed it horizontally against the finger nail on Tegan's pointer finger. She pressed hard and Tegan's hand flinched away from the pain. It was a good sign.
Sara pulled down the collar of her shirt and checked over her shoulder to ensure no one was looking, she pulled Tegan's breast binding down just slightly and rubbed her knuckles as hard as she could against Tegan's sternum. The uncomfortable feeling would usually wake an unconscious person up and luckily it worked.
Tegan opened her eyes and Sara let her shirt go back into place. "Clement," Sara addressed her, the high panicky feeling she'd been experiencing loosening somewhat.
"I need to see your arm." Sara tugged at the shirt in her way and Tegan pulled back.
"Th-they'll see," She stumbled on her words and it only worried Sara more.
"I don't care, there's something wrong."
"I'm fine," She protested.
"You're not fine, I could barely wake you." Tegan flinched away again when Sara tried to pull down her shirt.
"I can walk to the examination room."
"Can you?" Sara challenged.
Tegan responded by stumbling out of the bed and finding herself unsteadily on her feet.
They walked slowly but no one paid them any mind, all too caught up in their own tasks. When it was just the two of them alone in the room, Sara sat Tegan down on the bed and immediately began to strip Tegan of her shirt. Tegan yelped when Sara tried to get her to move her arm above her head to slide the shirt off and she stopped.
"It hurts?" She asked analysing her expression which was now sheet white and scrunched in pain. She looked like she would vomit.
Tegan saw no need to lie. "Yes."
Sara found the scissors and just like the first time they met, cut the shirt from her body. The bandages were next and Sara was careful to manipulate them so as to not cause her more pain. What was underneath made her gasp, a hand pressed to her open mouth.
The wound was angry and red, a thick yellow pus oozed from the swollen flesh, stitches barely visible, being swallowed by the inflamed skin. The smell was awful. Sara looked at her worriedly, "When did the pain start?"
She shrugged carelessly and then winced when the movement caused her arm to throb. "A couple days ago."
Sara felt the anger hot in her blood. You idiot! She wanted to shout. How can you have been so stupid! "Were you trying to be tough?" She snapped. "Trying to act like a man?"
Tegan shrunk back, "Sara?"
Tears welled in Sara's eyes and she shook her head to try and make them dissipate. She needed to stay calm, she reminded herself, but a night on such little sleep wasn't helping.
Tegan looked down at her arm, grimaced and then looked away. "Is it bad?"
"It's infected," Sara stated coldly. Infection kills half the men that come through here. You'll be lucky to be any different. She kicked herself for not having seen the signs earlier. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Tegan's eyes danced away from Sara's, she looked so sick. "I thought you were angry with me; I didn't want to bother you."
A laugh burst from Sara's throat but it wasn't a happy sound. It was more like the disbelief and dread needed a way to escape and that's the sound it chose. It sounded anguished and Sara could see that it scared Tegan. She wasn't doing her job very well, she wasn't supposed to get emotionally attached to patients and she certainly wasn't supposed to express such upsetting emotions in front of them. Dr Merret was right after all, she was incompetent.
Tegan's small voice pulled Sara back to the examination room. "Am I going to die?"
Sara blinked, took a deep breath and relaxed her face. "No, you're not going to die." She turned away to rifle for some antiseptics in the cabinet because she couldn't bare to lie to her face. There was some saline solution in the back that she reached for as well, she grabbed a clean cloth and turned back to Tegan who was beginning to get more pale as time went on. "We're going to keep this really clean, okay?"
Tegan nodded.
"This is going to hurt," She paused, "Probably a lot more than the first time I cleaned it."
Tegan's eyes watered and Sara reminded herself to be professional, to take a step back.
"Okay." Tegan agreed and Sara set to work. The skin of Tegan's arm was fiery and the temperature only increased Sara's concern. If her body couldn't get this infection under control soon, it would spread to her blood, she'd become septic and die. Sara had seen it plenty of times before. Their immune systems were weak, they'd lived off barely any food outside in freezing conditions and had nothing left in them to fight. They died quickly, but it was a bad way to go.
At one point Tegan screamed. She panted, eyes rolling backwards every so often to try and remain conscious against Sara's necessary assault.
Sara patted her thigh. "Talk to me, tell me something. Anything you want."
Tegan grit her teeth and panted through her open lips. "I can't think of anything, it hurts. It hurts so much."
"Don't focus on that."
"I don't know how not to."
Sara stepped closer, touched the front of her thighs just barely to Tegan's bent knees. The proximity set off Sara's own adrenalin, she reached for Tegan's good hand, "Here," she placed it against her own wildly thumping heart. Try and count the beats."
Tegan's eyes widened as she stared up at Sara's face in amazement. "It's beating too fast."
"Try anyway."
Tegan looked back down at her hand on Sara's heart and gently splayed her fingers. When Sara resumed cleaning the wound, they tightened against her shirt, gripping reflexively against the pain.
