Disclaimer: I don't own the unparalleled Naruto, and I don't own the song "Gaston," and I don't own Disney's movie Beauty and the Beast.

A/N: Original completion date: 4/24/10. Rewritten from my original format to conform to annoying site rules, so I had to include dialogue where there wasn't any before. That can make the fic a little confusing; please bear with me. It's written to the tune of "Gaston," but ONLY THE WORDS IN QUOTES ARE PART OF THE TUNE. Also please note that I wrote this before reading the legendary Volume 43...so there are a few plot inconsistencies. Oh, and purty-please review!

"Sasuke"

"Sometimes I feel like I hate you, Sasuke,

Acting all clever and tough," Naruto grumbled.

"Every girl here wants to date you, Sasuke,

Even when getting rebuffed," said Tenten.

"There's no boy in town as admired as you—

You're everyone's most-wanted guy!" sang out Konohamaru, Udon, and Moegi.

"Everyone's awed and inspired by you,

And it's not all that hard to see why," Choji pointed out.

"No . . . one's . . . slick as Sasuke;

No one's quick as Sasuke," warbled Lee.

"No one's head's as incredibly thick as Sasuke's!" Naruto butted in.

"The most perfect boy you've ever met, now—

Peerless, a pure paragon," Sakura and Ino sang over him.

"You can ask any average cadet, now,

And they'll tell you whose cell they'd prefer to be on," added Iruka.

"No . . . one's . . . bright like Sasuke,

Always right like Sasuke," Kurenai chimed in.

"Or goes leaping straight into a fight like Sasuke!" Guy finished.

"As a shinobi, yes, he's intimidating," admitted Neji.

"Oy, what a boy, that Sasuke!" Asuma marveled.

"Shout out 'hurrah'; yell out 'huzzah,' " sang the rest of the villagers.

"Sasuke is the best, 'cause the rest are all blah!" Sakura finished.

"No . . . one . . . beats like Sasuke,

Or defeats like Sasuke," Shino noted.

"In an eating match, nobody eats like Sasuke!" Kakashi interjected.

"He's been top of the class since he started

Even though his clan's hist'ry is dark," Genma told them.

"Not a bit of him's kind or warm-hearted

When every last inch of him's covered with marks!" raged Naruto.

"No one hits like Sasuke,

Matches wits like Sasuke," Shikamaru drawled.

"Or throws wild-eyed, murderous fits like Sasuke!" Naruto butted in yet again.

"He's especially good at chidori-making," Kakashi acknowledged his student's prowess.

"Chirp!" shrieked Sasuke's chidori.

"Top marks for Sasuke!" declared the assembled jonin.

"When he was so young, he saw things no one should,

Watched his own brother murder his clan.

And now he's grown up, he does things no one could—

Was it all Orochimaru's plan?" the Third Hokage joined his voice with the rest.

"N-no . . . one's . . . rough like Sasuke," Hinata put in timidly.

"Makes a bluff like Sasuke," added Kiba.

"Or goes storming around in a huff like Sasuke!" howled Naruto.

"He's a master of sharingan jutsu-casting!" Gekko declared.

"Man, what a pawn . . ." murmured Kabuto from afar off.

"Sasukeeeee!" the villagers all sang out in tandem.