Pov: First, Shinji

Disclaimers are stupid~

Enjoy the story- DeadGod


I sit, eyes closed, perfectly still. Sometimes when im in the Eva i can swear im ever so slightly floating. Sometimes when I close my eyes and cast aside all thought I feel...comfortable. Like when i listen to my music, I can shut out this cruel world full of angles and Evas...and my father. The sharp swish sound of the user interface pulls me back to this world like a cat and a mouse. I open my eyes to its soft yellow-orange light in the otherwise dark plug. It cascades shadows across my hands and the controls. One of the control operators tells me my sync test is finished in his monotone voice, as I feel the plug dislocate its from the test Eva im bombarded with several more UI dissecting my progress through numerous carts and graphs. Another stark reminder that im still here, that im still a pilot, that i still have to fight. The LCL is slowly drained and as the top panel opens I am eager to being my ascent from the pilot seat.

I feel the elevator descend to the locker room, inside the small green cage i am keenly aware of my fellow pilot Rei Aynami. I have fought by her side, i go to school with her, and i spend alot of my weekends here with her, Yet i could not tell you anything about her. I attempt to summon the courage to talk to her, the words come out a jumbled mess with only her name making any sense. She slowly cocks her head toward me, I am keenly aware now i cold i feel under the A/C covered in LCL

"Yes Ikari?" She speaks softly caring little for his social inaptitude

"G-good work on your sync test" I smile "you did better than me haha" it was forced

"Mmm" she nods her head

I am all to relived as the elevator doors part and i quickly walk to the Men's locker. As i stand under the shower alone in the locker room I try and focus on the streams of cold water running down my face and body. Sometimes as the oily texture of the LCL streaked down my nude form and the smell of blood diluted in water it felt like a almost religious experience. I squeezed my eyes tight and faced upward toward the shower head desperately trying to think of the water out of fear my mind might slip and wonder. My mind always seemed to go to dark places when left un-busied. As my fingers nimbly slip the buttons through the holes on my school shirt it happens, I sit down on the locker room bench and place my head in my hands as i debate for the hundredth time why i pilot. By the time i reach the conclusion that, as always, I don't really know I step outside into the cool Tokyo 3 air. The Geofront was dark being just a glorified cave the only light was from the HQ and some of the subterranean buildings at night. I looked up at those towers shining bright like glowing stalactites, the crisp blue and white white pouring off them was admittedly beautiful this time of night.

After the metro ride and walk to my house I was relived to slip into the apartment that I called home. Relived that all the lights were off signaling Misato still had yet to come home I walked straight to my room, flicking on the light and throwing my back pack onto the ground. I looked over and saw my computer brimming as always with homework assignments yet to be done. Its not that I don't care about school just it seems unimportant in the face of the fight with the angles and maybe somewhere deep down i don't think well win. I sit on my bed kicking off my shoes and turning out my pockets onto the desk, some change, my Nerve ID, and my phone. I snatch up the phone as i hit the light switch off and fall into bed. Sometimes I wish I had someone who I could confide in, sure Toji and Kensuke are both my friend I just never feel like I can let my guard down with anyone. I close my eyes to ponder my situation, I feel like a roaming spectre cursed to walk this land; I am here, I am alive, but i am not the real Shinji Ikari he is still the boy at the train station crying for his father, he is still in the Eva. Sometimes I swear I wont be able to go on, that at any moment I will without forewarning fall down and die. I feel sleep pull at my body, my limbs grow heavy, my eyes become like lead weights. I am once more at the mercy of the dreams, the enigma of my nightmares.


I sit looking completely focused as Dr. Akagi goes on about some test Rei and I must complete. In truth I am sneaking peaks at the officer assigned to me during the duration of this test, one Maya Ibuki. Rei was to work with Hyuga and the other...Aoba I think it was, was to train another technician. For some reason or another I feared this small first lieutenant being all alone in a room and being the only one staring intently at a video feed of me for an hour. As I walked down the hall with Miss Ibuki I felt odd, I awkwardly fidgeted with my plug suits wrist controls in an attempt to busy my mind. I glanced at her as she reviewed reports on her tablet built into her clipboard, We stopped at the T-junction of the hallway.

"See you in a bit" she said at me and throwing at small smile

"Yeah haha" I nervously scratched the back of my neck as i walked toward the cage

I must when I saw her smile at me...I was thoroughly disarmed. Her voice was gentle, her smile genuine, I cast aside the ache in my heart for companionship, I chalked up her actions as simple etiquette and that I was over thinking it. As I slinked into the plug and gave the bridge operator a thumbs up to close the hatch I felt the a jolt from the top of my spinal cord explode all across my vast array of nerves as the colors danced past before finally becoming clear. I heard her voice flow through the speakers in the seat and amplify in the LCL.

"Now remember were gonna run a complete check of your neural connections and linking systems. So if you feel odd at all just let me know, Ok?" Her voice, while firm, is gentle

"Got it" I sound sarcastic by comparison

"Since the computer does it by itself automatically i could send you a link to its completion percentage" She seems to be trying to make the wait better for me

"Thanks" The orange panel swishes out displaying '0.02%' I sigh

Every now again I feel my nerves suddenly burst with current of power, I do not enjoy the sensation. Time passes slowly, every now again on a mental cue a panel pops up revealing the time. I take slow breaths in and out and try to focus on how the Eva reminds me of my mother when the over whelming smell of blood fills the plug. Instinctively I look down expecting to see red seeping through the white plug suit.

"Is it working again?" I jump as the sound of her voice suddenly floods the cockpit. In confusion I look up and see a panel exclaiming 'Filtration System: RESTORED' before changing to 'Filtration System: ENGAGED' the engaged part turning green and the whole thing disappearing.

"Yeah, its back" I mutter out a little embarrassed of my day dreaming

"Hey Sinji?" I'm expecting some instruction

"Yes?" responding to my mental commands the Eva preemptively opens a number of graphs and carts filled with numerical data.

"Whats your favorite color?" I felt like the first day of school when you walk into the wrong class.

"Uh" In my mind I quickly run through the prism of colors out of fear of a dumb answer. "blue...i think"

she giggles "I like blue" her voice is soft, less militaristic, friendly.

"Whats yours?" I do my best to try and carry on this conversation.

"Mmmm pink maybe purple" she thinks out loud.

"what kind of music do you listen to?" she ask after a minute of silence. On my order the Eva opens a feed to the empty command room save for the small smiling technician sipping her coffee.

"Is...this some sort of test" I am skeptical that anyone would actually want to get to know me, especially those at Nerve.

The smile fades from her face "No...I didn't mean to pry" Her eyes fall, I feel regretful.

The feed shuts off so that I may hide from my guilt. The desire to speak to her is strong but my social awkwardness is even stronger, I fall back into the seat and as I sigh deeply I watch the bubbles float out and get trapped on the ceiling before being swept up by the vents. I've been in here for 42 minutes an as i glance at the progress I see were only at '82.9%' I try and be patient. That's when I feel it, the throb in my heart I'm certain it was almost explosion, for a moment ever muscle constricts and loosens yet the throb counties. I am now struggling to sit up as a million yellow-orange panels dance across the plug responding to my mental distress in some poor attempt to relieve this pain. I tried severing the connections from inside, disengaging the plug, anything, I later learned that as I was so scared and i kept thinking 'help' all i had accomplished was turning on and off the H.E.L.P or Hazardous Environment LCL pressurization. The pain suddenly stopped and I heard Mayas voice shouting full of dread, I felt the plug move and the LCL quickly empty with an audible hissing, as the hatch opened I was greeted by the medical team who hoisted me out of the seat.


I slowly walked down the hallway my steps sounding much louder as they echoed off the metal walls of Nerve. I tug gently on the the medical bracelet I got when I arrived at the hospital, I ran my fingers across the smooth laminated tag. I looked at the papers in my other hand as I walked, briefly fingering through my patient carts for the fourth time. I had handed Dr. Akagi one copy, as instructed, in case she needed them to tell how the test affected me. But now I was on my way to a much more worrisome endeavor, to give a copy to Maya for her report. I felt embarrassed about the incident that somehow it was all my fault, I was sure Dr. Akagi chastised her for the failure. I slipped into the large Bridge operations room, a pale green colored room full of desks and a big touch screen board at the front, I saw Maya sitting in the back engrossed in her small black laptop. To my dismay there was only one other person in the room and he was on the other side of the room thumbing through a book shelf labeled 'Schematics'. I approached her slowly and cautiously trying to build to up my strength to speak. She looked up, her brown eyes piercing me, she smiles warmly at me. I am breathless.

"Hi Shinji! I'm glad to see your Ok" She rises up from her seat and steps toward me. I briefly contemplate running.

"Thank you Miss Ibuki, I uh I was told to give you this" I hand her the papers and during the exchange our fingers briefly brush, she seems visibly bothered by the touch. I feel awful, I am quick to turn around and leave.

"Hey Sinji" She places her hand on my shoulder, its warmth searing through my shirt "Im going to the cafe, do you wanna come?"

I nod, she laughs and leads the way out of the room. I walk by her side as we enter the multi-tiered cafeteria on one side of the room the wall was entirely of glass, I enjoyed the warm sunshine in my otherwise dark life. Maya got her food as I had no appetite I followed her as she picked out a table. We sat quietly together for a few minutes even as I worried how she felt at the moment I couldnt help but enjoy her company as i watch the light fall across her face. She would often flash a smile at me and I would blush and advert my gaze afraid at any moment shed leave angry that I was staring at her.

"So how is school?"

"Its Ok, I dont really have alot of time to devote to it"

"Mmm I know how that is" She gives me a understanding smile "I barely have any free time nowadays"

"So whats it like piloting the Eva?" Her voice breaks another moment of silence

I hate answering this question "Its nothing special" the sunlight bouncing off the white titles seem bleaker now

"You dont like it do you?"

"Its expected that I do a good job, so when I do a good job it doesn't matter"

"I know how hard it is...I think your brave" I've been accused of alot of things but never brave. She puts her hand on mine, Its warmth is indescribable.

"Thanks" I smile uncontrollably and admittedly mourn the loss of comfort as her hand leaves mine. As she goes to return her tray I stand awaiting to leave. She walks back to me and smiles as she wraps her arms around, I am slightly embarrassed as i only go up to her chest and must turn my head so that I am not face first in her bosom. As she thanks me for accompanying her I am all to content in her arms, I feel safe, loved, happy, she makes me feel... relevant. As she pulls away I already miss her warmth, as I walk toward the exit gate I glance over my shoulder back at her as her figure retreats into the labyrinth of hallways.


I walked off the train platform down the street, my SDAT blaring in my ears yet still the feeling of Maya persisted in my mind. I wished all residue of her was gone from mind at this moment. She was kind to me and sweet but when I felt like this I knew it lead me to be unhappy. Her vanilla perfume lingered on my shirt making the attempt to cast all thoughts of the twenty four year old from my mind even more unrealistic. I walked my apartment and walked the stairs up, as I reached for the door I was suddenly surprised to see Misato opening the door dressed for work. She smiled at me but frowned as she inevitability saw through my forced smile.

"Shinji are you Ok?" Her eyes full of care and worry, sometimes I struggle to wonder if she truly cares about me or is just there to keep me piloting

i advert her gaze "I'm fine, just tired...did you get my call earlier?"

"Yeah, I was on my way back to the hospital to pick you up when you said not to...are you sure your ok? I can take you back to the hospital" She bent over slightly to get on eye level with me.

"No I just..." I feel tears well up "...No, thanks for visiting me earlier at the hospital" A sudden rush of self loathing rushes over me as I brush past her. He grabs my arm as I walk by, I turn to meet her eyes.

"Shinji...I know its hard, this life is not a easy one" She strokes my arm trying to comfort me "Im here for you if you need it" I feel cold and discontented, it is my only self defense from crying into her arms

"Thank you" I mumble, even though monotone I mean it, She understands and smiles at me

I watch her walk to the stairwell as I press to close the door. I walk to the fridge to find something to eat, though starving the moment I lay eyes on food I feel sick. I stand in the kitchen and remove my phone from my pocket I stare at it before I open the web browser and set to work seemingly desperate to reach my goal. After only a moment I stare intently at the screen as the number lookup for Toyko-3 loaded the phone number of a Maya Ibuki. My finger hovered the button that said 'Call' I was nervous and embarrassed about how much I wanted to her voice. I closed The phone with a clink a stuffed it back into its cotton polyester prison as retreated to my room.


*My hands are aching as I sit in the hospital ward as the nurse works feverishly to apply creams and liquids to the seared flesh of my hands. I do not regret opening the hatch, in truth seeing my fellow pilot smile at me in such a way that I've seen her only express with my father made it all worth it. The nurse wrapped the gauze around my hand as another nurse came to inform that Rei would indeed be fine, I do admit I felt relived. I was told given some papers and told my hands would heal with almost no scars. I quickly washed off in the hospital room shower glad to get off the plug suit and the smell of LCL. Misato met me outside and motioned me to get in her car, as always she told me how proud and thankful she was in a attempt to boost my morale. But I was far to disillusioned about piloting to want to think over the battle agian, I can still feel the heat from the explosion and the compression of the trigger when I fired back.

If I had died after the angel was down I wouldn't care, that thought of death calmed and pleased me but in thinking of my own mortal finality a suddenly glimpse of Maya's smile flashed trough my brain. Seeing her reminded me how much I once more yearned for contact with her, I glanced sideways at Misato as she focused on the road. I wondered if it was wrong to miss someone and adult like her so much, I chalked it up to post fight jitters as I usually thought deeply after a battle. I focused on the street lights racing by my window which wasn't playing nice with my slight concision from the blast. I was all to glad to exit the car and quickly ascend the stairs as my head rolled like a ship about to capsize, once I reached the door I slipped from conciseness and landed hard on the floor


A/N: If you enjoyed drop a review so I know to keep on going, thanks a bunch! I have plans to continue on!

note *Followed the events after Operation Yashima of episode 6 and 1.0 You are (not) alone