Disclaimer: I do not own Suikoden, nor do I own Luc, or any of the other Suikoden characters.

Author's note: Hopefully, this fanfic will be humorous. I will not be involving OCs like I usually do, since ASoIE is Luc centred and from Luc's point of view.

Sorry, Luc, but it just suddenly hit me last night how bad you'd be at babysitting, and how funny it would be for bystanders.

Luc: (Through gritted teeth) No problem.

Kiba: Sorry!

Luc: Sometimes, I wonder why I continue to let you live.

Kiba: (Wink) Because I'm awesome.

Luc: (Raised eyebrow)

Kiba: Ooookay. And now, on with the show!

Luc: Finally.


I don't know how I get into these situations. Really, I don't. I am a powerful magician! I hold, in my right hand, the True Wind rune! I would sometimes like to be shown even the tiniest bit of respect!

This is all Leknaat's fault. If that witch hadn't sent me here, I'd be perfectly happy. Just once, you know, I'd like to kick back, whack some music on the stereo and drink a nice big mug of coffee. On my own. Without some annoying Elven brat running around my feet and trying to snap my staff.

Hold on. SHE'S TRYING TO BREAK MY STAFF?!Oh, that does it. That is IT!

"Ishtar! Get off of my staff, NOW!!" The child turned to look at me, her big blue eyes radiating innocence. "If you break that, I will Shred you so bad, your PARENTS won't even recognise you!" She burst into tears.

I shouldn't be so hard on the child, really. She's had a troubled life, the four years of it that she has lived. Her parents are Elven refugees, probably the only survivors of the fire a year or so ago. But still. She was trying to break my staff.

I swear that child has made it her personal mission in life to drive me insane.

"Ishtar, you better stop crying, right now!" I told her, forcefully.

"But- but- but Uncle Luc hates me!" She sobbed.

Damn right I do, you little brat.

"No I don't, Ishtar, it's just that if you break my staff, I'm in big trouble." I was trying to be nice. God help me, I was trying.

"Why?" The child was calming down. Thank God. If Tir came in and realised I had made the brat cry, he might actually kill me.

"I just am, okay? Don't touch the staff. Got that?" I tried to look kind. I probably only succeeded in looking patronising, but does a four-year-old really know the difference? I think not.

"Okay, Uncle Luc! I won't!" Ishtar flashed me a huge, dazzlingly white grin. I attempted to smile back. It was probably just a grimace in the end, but oh well.

She dropped my staff and ran off, probably to her mother.

Bye bye, brat.

Perhaps now I could relax. Luckily for me, Tir had recently invested in a chair. So now, instead of standing by that stupid piece of rock, I get to sit by it instead. Oh, joys unbounded!

I went to get a drink from the kitchen… Kitchen? I don't know, I don't like this place enough to learn where things were. It was a room, with a kettle and some ground coffee beans. That's good enough for me.

So I was sitting there, in my chair, bored out of my wits, drinking coffee and creating miniature Shreddings just for funzies, when Tir walked in.

"What do you want?" I asked him, glaring. He laughed.

"Nice greeting."

"Seriously, are you here for a reason?" I wasn't in the mood. Not right now. I just wanted to relax. On my own. Solo. "'Cause if not, you can go away, thanks." My tone was pretty icy, but I figured Tir could take it. If not, then he's in the wrong job.

"Actually, yeah. I was wondering how you're getting along with your new assignment."

Oh, yes. That's right, I remember now. This is Tir's fault. He decided I wasn't pulling my weight, and then offloaded that little Elven demon on me. Thanks a lot, Tir. And you expect me to be nice to you WHY?

"I'm not. I hate her. I am this close," I held up my thumb and forefinger, approximately a millimetre away from touching, "To using The Shredding on that little brat!"

Tir looked shocked.

"Don't be so harsh, Luc! She's had a hard life, cut her some slack!"

"NO! You don't have to deal with her, every- single- DAY! She's driving me insane! Please, give me something else to do!" I put my coffee on the floor and stood, then walked across to Tir, placing my hands on his shoulders, imploring him to relieve me of this demon. "She's like the spawn of the devil!"

Tir shook his head, not an inch of sympathy in him.

"She can't be that bad. She is only a child, after all." And there it went. My one chance of freedom, and I was left standing, despondently waving bye-bye to my life.

I drained the last of my coffee, now cold, and took the long route to the kitchen. I handed the mug to whichever girl was doing the washing up today and returned to my cell. Well, it's not really a cell, it's not like I'm a prisoner or anything, but it sure as hell feels like it.

Why does Tir never take me out on the battlefield? Or even just a routine recruiting trip? I'll tell you why: He's too busy with his 'A-team'. The skilled fighters and healers.

You would think, I, bearer of a True Rune would fall into that category, would you not? Well, apparently I don't. The only things I have to break up the monotony around here are coffee, Ishtar (I shudder to think that I might actually like the child), and Viki. Blink, blink, Viki.

I don't dislike the girl, but she is so stupid it's unreal. She has a really useful rune, too, and she can't even control it. Whatever.

I returned to my room (cell) to find my staff, gone, and Ishtar sitting in my chair.

I began to shake with suppressed anger.

"Ishtar…" I tried to remain calm. Tried and failed. "Where in hell is my staff?"

"What staff?" She asked, in that annoying singsong voice of hers.

"My staff. You know, the one you tried to destroy earlier!" My hands were clenched into fists at my sides. Must not Shred, must not Shred, must not Shred…

"I don't know." She sang.

MUST NOT SHRED MUST NOT SHRED MUST NOT SHRED! MUST NOT FRIGGIN' SHRED!!

"Okay, Ishtar, I will give you a chance." I told her in a dangerously quiet voice. "You will go, now, and within the next ten minutes, whoever took my staff will return it, in one piece, intact, to this room. They will prop it against my chair. Then they will come to find me in the kitchen, drowning my stomach in coffee. You got that?"

"Yes, Uncle Luc!" She chimed, then ran off.


Ten minutes later, I returned to my room (cell).

No staff. Ishtar, yes, but no staff.

"Ishtar…" I growled.

"I don't know where your staff is, Uncle Luc! I looked everywhere but I don't remember where I hid it!"


Author's note: Sorry it's so short, but I didn't want it to drag, you know? I just wanted to establish what was happening, who was involved, and the fact that most of what goes on in Luc's head is not revealed.

See Tir, he does have a personality!

Tir: Yeah. But it isn't a good one, is it?

Kiba: Yes! It's just a normal personality!

Luc: So ner. And I told you liked coffee, didn't I Kiba? Is this why you wanted to know?

Kiba: Uh-huh! (Nods) And sorry I'm making your life a misery, Luc.

Luc: No problem, as long as people review.

Kiba: Hint hint, much?

Tir: People, we've not tormented Luc for nothing, have we? Review, please!!

Kiba: Yeah, and any advice or ideas are 100 welcome!