Okay so I have been in kind of a dark mood today so I decided to start this new fic, so forgive me if its super dark and evil, I don't mean to offend anyone at all at what is said in this so bare with me and let me know what you think! =]

My Little Black Book

Kendall/OC

Summary: Pain, abuse, coping, love, regrets, and most of all, fear. Breanna had everything, until her mother and father got divorced because her dad cheated. He left and was never seen again due to marrying the woman he cheated with and starting another family with her. She barely saw her mom because she was working all the time now so she was barely home, if she was she was sleeping or still working and she was okay with that because she had managed to get through everything with her brother James and their best friends, Carlos, Logan and Kendall. Everything had fallen apart again when her brother and best friends moved to LA the one night she was at a friend's house, she hasn't seen them in 2 years, they became famous. After they left, everything fell apart. She doesn't eat, barely sleeps, she started wearing long sleeve shirts and fake smiles to hide her pain, but in her little black book, she doesn't hold back. Ever.

(I know long summary, so sue me.)

Now on with the new story!

Chapter 1:

*Flashback*

My friend Danielle had just dropped me off after staying the night at her house, she was 2 years older, and so she had her license. I was only 15, so I didn't even have my permit yet. I say my goodbyes and tell her I'll text her later. She smiles and replies as I walk to my front door and she drives away. I laugh and unlock my door expecting to see my brother and his friends all on the couch. It was Saturday and they usually stayed the night here Friday nights and watched cartoons in the mornings when they woke up. I walk into the house and its dead quite. I walk around the living room into the kitchen and look into the backyard. No sign of them anywhere. I walk upstairs to my room and set my stuff down assuming they were still sleeping. I open the door and yell "Morning!" to an empty room. I look around confused at the pretty much empty room. His clothes were gone and his pillows and blankets were gone. I walk to my mom's office and demand answers "What is going on? Where is everyone and why is James' room pretty much stripped of everything that is his?" She closes her laptop and makes her way over to me. I am still in my sweats and my hair is in a messy ponytail. I remember when I see her look at me in disgust. I look away from her ashamed and put my head down before looking back up at her, waiting for an answer.

She put her hands on her hips and me dead in the eyes and said the words that changed my life "They are gone sweetie."

"What the hell do you mean they are gone? What did you do?" I yell at her angrily.

"I didn't do anything! They got offered a record deal with Gustavo Rocque when you were at Danielle's last night. They left first thing this morning. Probably at around 7 was when they left to catch the plane." She told me calmly as she walked back over to her laptop and began working again. Wow her son and my friends just left and I think she could care less. Go figure, that's my mom for you.

Since my dad left when I was 10, James', Kendall, Logan and Carlos were my main support system and were always there for me. Whether me and James were at one of their houses or they were here, we were always together and never apart. Except for in school, since I was a grade lower than them. I ran to my room and tried calling all of their phones. All of them were off. I threw my head in my pillow and cried myself to sleep; hoping that I would wake up and this would all just be a dream, or more like a nightmare.

*Present Day*

I still remember that fateful day like it was yesterday, and every time I thought of it, I cut deeper. This morning I cut so deeply I felt sort of faint. You might be asking why, because I dreamed about them last night. Every time I see their faces in my head, on the news, in the magazines, it crushes my heart or whatever is left of it. They took it when they left 2 long years ago, and all I have now is confusion. Isn't that the reason for keeping a journal, to tell secrets, to let out confusion or at least I hoped I would.

I hide. Pretend that everything would change, even though I know it will never change. I act like I am happy, I smile everyday and dress like everyone else, but I hide, reside, and dwell. On the outside, I laugh with my friends, or with what few I have left. On the inside, I am haunted. I am haunted by that one day that my brother left me. Haunted by the memories that are still as fresh as the fake smile I plastered on my face this morning, or the makeup, or more like cover up. I am only human and I may scream, but no one hears me and he doesn't care.

He is the reason for my pain, my fear, my fakeness, and the bruises.

It's all him.

My step dad. The guy my mom married after my brother and friends left. He is the devil. My mom doesn't know he beats me, hits me. She is always at work, and when she is home he just tells her that I fell and hurt myself again. I didn't know when you fell you get bruises on your arms, and your face, just your knees.

Sometimes I dream, fantasize of my escape. I dream I jump on a plane to LA and see my brother again and he will save me from this hell that I live in.

No one at school knows my past. Nobody knows that James' Diamond is my brother. Nobody knows I was best friends with Big Time Rush. Nobody knows how my home life is. That's how I prefer to live, with nobody knowing who I am. I never go to friends houses', they never come to my house, I never see them outside of school, and that's how I like it. Letting nobody in, having my guard up all the time, ever again to let anybody possibly break it down again and break me. I am already broken.

My name is Ashley Diamond. Welcome to my life.

~*Now The Story Begins*~

(The story will be told in Ashley's POV, will occasionally change, but mainly will be Ashley.)

I get up for school every morning at 6 am. So I have enough time to get ready.

I wake up to the usual sound of my annoying alarm clock and my mom pounding on my door telling me to wake up before I hear the front door slam shut. I won't be seeing her again until late tonight or tomorrow morning. I climb out of bed and walk into my own bathroom and take a quick shower. I get out of the shower and dress in
( h t t p :/ w w w .polyvore. c o m /comfycoldday/ set?id=36414751) because it's kind of a chilly day out.

After I get dressed I slide on the silver star ring and star necklace that was given to me as a gift when I was 13. The necklace came from my older brother James and the ring was friend my best friend Carlos. Kendall, Logan and Carlos all actually pitched in for it, but Carlos likes to say he bought it himself. I always wear it because it makes me feel closer to them even when they are so far away.

I am thinking about them again, so I roll up my sleeve, revealing all of my scars in the mirror. I stare at them and open the cabinet under the sink and grab a box that I keep my 'materials' in. I open it and sit on the floor and pull out the gauze I will need after it, and then the main idem, the razor.

I go in deep and slice, making only a slight gasp before I start wrapping it. You know what they say, you do something for so long, it doesn't even hurt anymore.

I put the box back and begin a long process every morning. My makeup. I grab my cover up and begin applying it under my fresh black eye, and the bruise that's starting to develop on my cheek. I add a little bit of eyeliner along with some mascara before I slide my boots on and grab my bag and am out the door by 7:30.

I don't even grab anything for lunch because you can't eat and cut yourself. If you eat and cut, it makes you sick to your stomach, so I never really eat anything.

I slide my headphones in my ears as I begin my walk to school. It's not that far from my house so I don't bother driving or taking a bus.

I feel like an alien walking into school today. As I walk in all eyes are on me and I hate that, because then I feel like everyone can see right through my clothes and see the scars or the makeup and see the bruises. The new me sits in the back of the class alone and doesn't really socialize, even though she dresses like everyone else. I shy away from everyone because I am scared to death of everyone on the inside, but I will never show that. I am okay on the outside, well maybe not okay, but I try my best to pull it off as best as I can.

Right now as my US History teacher rambles on about stuff that I already know about I think about my life and it makes me just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But that would be showing my vulnerability, weakness, fear and all of that is just out of the question. That why I cut, so I don't have to cry.

I arch my back, which hurts like hell, not only from the bruises, but also from laying down on my desk. I lift my sleeve a little bit to see my scars and previous cuts that have yet to heal, and a dark black and blue bruise that must be from last night when he grabbed me to prevent me from running away. I pull out my journal and begin to think about how I begin to write about last night. It was one of the worst beatings he's ever given me.

He came home drunk again. I had just finished eating an apple and doing some homework, thinking it would be safe to do that downstairs for a change. Boy was I wrong. Just as I was about to go upstairs he walked through the front door, drunk as can be as usual. He grabbed me as I began to run up the stairs and I fell down only 5 of them. As I was trying to get up he grabbed my arm and pulled me up and pushed me harshly against the wall in anger and frustration and back handed me. I pushed him and he stumbled and fell backwards. I ran upstairs into James' old room and closed the door then ran and hid under the bed. I knew he would eventually find me but I felt so much safer in here, because then I felt closer to him. I hear the door open and I see his footsteps walking towards the bathroom and I hear the water running. He begins walking towards the bed and I see him pull the blanket onto the bed and he grabbed my arm and pulled me out. I didn't even have time to register before he started whipping my back with a towel he must have just wetted down. I managed to get myself up and run to my room, close the door and lock it. He pounded on it as I cried and cried in my bed under my blankets. I fell asleep in so much pain last night. I am in agony now, sitting in class, wishing I was somewhere else. Not home, not here, not any friends. Just anywhere else. Now the makeup on my face and cuts on my body are constant reminders. Why do people stare at me all the time anyways? Do I have the words 'I'm abused' or 'I'm alone' tattooed on my forehead?

I close the book as the bell rings signaling next period, which was Math for me. I knew what I had to do, but it wasn't going to be easy. I needed to get to LA, I needed my brother.