Three Times it's Faked, What's the Fourth? The Fifth?
"Some people think that the truth can be hidden with a little cover-up and decoration. But as time goes by, what is true is revealed, and what is fake fades away." – Ismail Haniyeh
1.
The first time you kiss is for show. You're standing directly in front of pretty much everyone in school and your ruse is about to be exposed. You should let Bailey tell everyone it's a lie. Your life would have been a hell of a lot simpler had you let Karma confirm the fakery you had thrust upon them, but you don't want to see your friend hurt. You love her. You thought it was platonic. The kind of unadulterated love you give your best friend. You though that. You really did. Then you kissed her.
You were understandably anxious but the words tumbled from your mouth nonetheless. You turn her in your grip nervously. At first it's because, holy shit you're about to kiss your best friend in bunch of a shit load of people, but then it's because she's pressed against you and there's something about it that's different to any other time you've hugged. Suddenly her warmth is dizzying, and intoxicating, and disorientating, and you're confused as hell but you've already committed to this so you push forward.
Your eyes are screwed shut to the point that it aches, and you're clutching your sleeves desperately because even though your lips are a breath away, clutching her waist with the intensity you're feeling in that moment seems all too real, too intimate, and that scares you.
You forget all of that the moment your lips meet hers.
You should have kept it chaste. It should have been as short and as awkward as that one time your cousin thought it'd be a good idea to practice kissing with you. It was the opposite. You part your mouth and bask in the fact that she mimics the movement. Breathing doesn't come easy to you. It's like she is somehow stealing your breath at the exact moment she breathes everything she has into you. Thinking comes too easy. Is her heart thumping so hard she can't hear anything else? Can she feel her blood rush through her veins, pulsing so fiercely that the vessels threaten to explode? Does your scent flow through her entire body till it's not just a smell, it's an addiction? Kiss me again – is that the first things she thinks as you pull apart, finally letting the cheers fill your ears?
You register the confetti when she pulls back. You should have realized it sooner but with her so close you weren't registering much other than the fact that she tastes like strawberries and peanuts?
"Whoa" She utters and you reply in similar awe, or what you thought was similar until she winks and says, "Way to sell it" Your heart aches then and it occurs to you that the answers to your earlier questions are – no. You didn't make her heart thump, or her veins pulse. You didn't get her addicted by a simple smell; she didn't immediately feel the need to do it again. It was all an act. Nothing more. Nothing less.
And that hurts a hell of a lot more than it should.
2.
The next time you kiss you are apprehensive, or at least, more so. You're sitting on the grass and it's nice. Everything seems as it always was and the silence seems to drown out the screams in your mind that beg you to tell her. Plead for you to admit to this girl that you've been replaying that moment in your head over and over. And not because you straight away got more baked goods or because you were shrouded in glory. No. You replay it because you're living in the fantasy that she meant it, as much as you realized you did.
Your head is reasonably clear and you're making jokes with your best friend like it is the easiest thing in the world. Except that ease is quickly shattered by outsiders. Evidently just about everything was ruined by outsiders. They had assumed you two were lesbians. They had thrust you into the spotlight without your permission. They had made you discover your deep seated feelings for your best friend. Yeah. You definitely blame outsiders. Coincidentally they were the exact same people who chanted for you two to kiss while all you really wanted to do was eat your tuna sandwich, and avoid school because you were right – you don't like them in the day nor do you at night when they've been drinking.
Karma turns to you with a grin and you reply with an awkward grimace but it doesn't deter her because she leans forward and you're once again obsessed with the warm torrent of her breath that cascades down your neck as she positions her lips smoothly at your ear.
"I guess we should give our fans what they want" You find yourself smiling, despite your inner turmoil, because you can hear the smile in her voice and regardless of how your life is falling apart, the ability to make her smile is the one constant you have, the one thing you love more than anything else.
The smile doesn't fade as her lips press into yours, if anything it grows. You lose yourself in her when she runs her fingers through your hair. It's a budding obsession the moment her nails rake against your scalp and you force yourself to pull away because you can't do this. You can't lose yourself in the tiniest of mannerisms that no one else would even think to memorize. You commit it to memory in any case even as you refuse to meet her eye. You can't look her in the eye because she'd know. She'd see your internal freak out and she would question it until you blurted it out.
She follows your gaze relentlessly until she catches you with an impenetrable stare. You briefly wonder when she gained this hold over you until it occurs to you that she always has. You expect her to stare at you in shock but it never comes, and you think that maybe you're hiding better than you originally thought because all she gives you is her signature smile. The smile that you've realized is especially for you because its equal parts fond and endearing and it gives you hope each passing moment it sits on her face.
3.
It's once again for show when your lips meet for the third time. You should have yourself under control by now. Two times should be enough preparation. It should be enough to teach your heart to stop hammering against your ribs, crashing and crashing, asking for exoneration. It's not enough time and you and all you can think is - Can she feel it? Can she feel the erratic pulse on my neck as she runs hers hands along the flesh? Can she feel my heart slam into her chest with abandon?
The situation is far more awkward than any of your other kisses because she talked you into a threesome. By that you mean she begged and begged until you caved because you would stupidly do anything for her, including awkwardly sitting on a bed, in a trench coat, with Liam – who you can't work out why makes the girls swoon. In your mind he is nothing above average but maybe that's because your mind is clouded with Karma. Who, coincidentally, is the person who suggests you kiss to ease the tension.
It lasts longer than it should, that much you know. It gets more heated than it should too and you have no idea how it got to such a point. One second the kiss was innocent enough. You know, as innocent as a kiss can be when it's a fake make out session between friends. It was clean and precise and you would think that if anyone would lose themselves in it, it would be you, but no. It was Karma.
You hear yourself whimper pathetically the moment her tongue pushes past your defenses and sneaks its way into your mouth. You should have guarded it better because now her tongue is dancing with yours and this seems like a new step. You've crossed a line here but you can't stop now. You tell yourself that it's because Liam would catch on, but in reality it's because there is an invisible tether dragging you to her and no matter what you try to do to cut it, it only strengthens and you're afraid to make it worse.
She still tastes like strawberries and now chocolate. The taste is exhilarating and before you know what you're doing you've tugged her hips closer. You can feel her pelvis brush dangerously with your own and usually you'd be freaking out. Your inner mantra would scream - Stop! Stop! Stop! But your head is eerily silent other than the echoes of the moan that reverberated through your bones as it ripped from her throat. Her throat.
You almost smirk but you can't think of anything other than her hands at the belt of your coat. The rustling snaps you back to reality.
It's not just you and Karma. This isn't real. Liam is sitting on the bed undoubtedly trying to hide his excitement because this had gotten way out of hand. You can't do this.
You rip your head away but you can't move your body. She's holding you too tight. You can hear an erratic symphony of heartbeats and you're pretty sure you're not just hearing one, but two. Hope grows when you catch a glimpse of her face. Her eyes are clutched so tight you think she might pass out. Her brows are furrowed and they're a mix of adorable and confused. You don't actively decide to push her disheveled locks behind her ear but you find yourself doing it. The intimate act makes her eyes snap open to yours.
Her eyes are unguarded and she looks torn and unhinged. It spurs something inside of you but then Liam coughs and you're once again surrounded by the real world. The world in which she'll realise you aren't what she wants the moment there is distance between your lips. The world in which she'll sneak around with Liam no matter how much it hurts you because you won't admit it. That's the world you're afraid of, so you extract yourself from her grasp with a million mumbled apologies as you sprint out of there.
You don't stop running until you've reached your house.
4.
Things get even more confusing the fourth time you kiss. You're at yet another party you don't really want to be at, but you find yourself at regardless, because Karma pouted and it's like your kryptonite.
You lose her in the mass of people almost as soon as you walk through the door. You want to look for her, you really do. You want to know she's safe. You want to know that no one is even thinking about taking advantage of her. But you don't look. You don't look because you're afraid you'll find her with Liam and you can't watch that, at least, not without throwing up in your mouth a little.
In the end you don't have to look for her. She finds you.
You're sitting in the garden alone, avoiding everyone. The fact that there is basically no one around is why you're so shocked. You kiss because people are watching, and they're suspicious, and they're oddly needy. But in that moment there were all of three people outside – you, Karma and a boy that was way too drunk to remember his own name, let alone remember a kiss.
She stumbles out drunk and all but falls onto your lap as you sit on a particularly comfortable lawn chair. You can smell the alcohol on her breath but the fruity scent you've come to know still lingers in its depths.
"Amy!" She shouts and you cringe because her lips are already directly next to your ear and you really didn't need that level of noise, especially since now you think you may be partially deaf. Her arms are wrapped tightly around your neck, and due to there being no other position you hazardously let your arms rest around her waist. You thought it would have been uncomfortable but you revel in the weight of her on your lap, in the way she blocks the harsh, cold breeze from your body, warming you in more ways than one.
"Hey Karma" You find yourself whispering softly. You're not really sure why. Maybe it's because any louder would shatter the moment. Or maybe it's because you're afraid it'll alert someone of your location so they could shatter it for you.
"You look really pretty tonight" You chuckle at the way she hiccups the words out. She looks oddly childlike in the moonlight, despite being apparently hammered. Her words make you look down at yourself. You didn't wear anything different to usual, you're wearing jeans and a knitted jumper because it's cold and you decided a long time ago that you don't really give a shit what anyone thinks, just Karma.
"So do you" Is what you find yourself saying and she smiles so brightly you almost shield your eyes from its intensity.
Your breath latches onto your throat, refusing to move the moment she leans in. Her ears dart from your eyes to your lips and your lungs ache because you need to breathe, but you can't even remember how. All you can remember is her lips, and her hands, and her hips, and her.
She halts just before she comes crashing into you, like a wave at the shore. She hasn't stopped staring into your eyes and you almost falter under her gaze but her hands slide from the base your neck until they caress your jaw, refusing to let you out of the locking of eyes.
"This is real" Three words. Three syllables. Ten letters. Your heart stops. You almost let yourself kiss her back when she presses her lips to yours, but you don't. Not because you don't want to disappear into her depths but because it isn't real. There may have been no one else around but you could taste the alcohol on her lips. You could smell it on her breath. You could feel its lucidity affecting her every movement. You don't kiss her back because it would feel real but it wouldn't be. That's why you don't kiss her. She must think different because this time, she's the one that runs, and she doesn't look back no matter how many times to call her name.
5.
She ignores your calls for days. You know she is itching to pick the phone up but she's stubborn - she always was. You know she is avoiding you. You don't know if it's because she regrets what she did or she thinks you don't feel the same way and she's embarrassed. Regardless of the answer you miss your best friend and you won't let her hide from you.
The fact that her mum is completely oblivious to the situation is obvious the moment she allows you in with nothing more than a smile and a confirmation that Karma is, in fact, in her room. You nod in reply and nervously trudge up the stairs. Normally you wouldn't knock but it's like all bets are off now and you find yourself even pausing before your knuckles rap against the wood in a steady rhythm. You enter at the sound of her voice and your face lights up in a fond smile at the sight of her sprawled on her bed, kicking her feet in the air.
"Hi" You mentally face palm because God! You came all the way to her house, you should have rehearsed a speech, you should have known what to say, and you did. At least, you think you had a plan but everything went out of the window the moment you saw her face. She doesn't seem all that impressed with your entrance either because she sighs before replying.
"What are you doing here Amy?" She huffs and you take a tentative step towards her, almost as though you're afraid you'll spook her.
"We need to talk about the other night" She jumps up from the bed in a flash and you realise that there was no way to be cautious, she was going to panic no matter how carefully you stepped, or how guardedly you spoke about the occurrence. You didn't expect her to start rambling however.
"I didn't mean to kiss you. It's just- The other night… Liam. It was intense and, and- I thought maybe you felt it too because you ran. I mean, you ran. I'm sorry; I just couldn't stop thinking about it but… I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have kiss-"You don't let her finish and you think that it's a complete cliché but you couldn't think of anything to say in that moment, and she was trying to backtrack so you don't speak, you just kiss her.
You simply fling your head forward and capture her lips at first. You're thankful that you didn't head butt her because that seems to be just your luck but it works out well. You swallow her words easily and your hands join your lips a moment later. You follow the contours of her chin before locking your fingers in the hairs at the nape of her neck. You allow her to pull back an inch but your hand are still clasped at the back of her neck and your acutely aware of the way hers clutch at the fabric that covers your waist.
"You kissed me" She states simply and you really wished she would open her eyes so that you could gauge her reaction to what you just did, because although she basically told you she couldn't stop thinking about your kiss, you keeping thinking she'll change her mind. You keep thinking that in the cold light of day she'll realise you aren't really what she wants.
"Yeah" You reply and you curse yourself for sounding so breathless and weak but it causes her to open her eyes and you suddenly don't care how pathetic you sound because yes, she looks scared but she also looks hopeful.
"Why?" She questions as she fiddles with the material of your shirt.
"I didn't know what to say, and it was the only thing I could think of to tell you that I couldn't stop thinking about it either" She laughs, and it's light and musical, and it makes your heart ache delightfully.
"You couldn't have just said it?" She cocks an eyebrow to accompany her words and you find yourself smiling self deprecatingly.
"It seemed a lot harder at the time." Her smile widens and you find yourself grinning right along with her because this is all you wanted. You didn't even realise how much until you kissed her. You didn't even realise how much you loved her, in a completely un-platonic way until you were forced to act that way. In the end the truth was revealed, it just wasn't the truth you had been expecting.
"This is real" She repeats her words from the other night and your brows rise inquisitively until she's kissing you again. You don't stop her this time. You don't even think before returning the sentiment and you're glad because it only makes her kiss you harder. You don't protest when she grips you tighter because you find yourself never wanting her to let go. You don't question it when she nips at your bottom lip because it's undoubtedly one of the hottest things you've ever been subjected to. You don't hold back the moan that escapes your mouth as she continues her exploration with fervor. And you most certainly don't say anything when she pushes you back onto her bed, tumbling after you with a salacious grin, well, nothing other than an incoherent mumble that she takes the time to decipher with her mouth.
You could definitely get used to this.
