Disclaimer: Characters are property of the BBC. I don't own them; if I did they'd be married with at least two kids by now.
Got inspiration for this story from The Coronas great tune Warm. (Its on you tube) "You say you're close behind…but I want you to see…..I want you to always be mine…and I know they say you wont cry but I'm thinking would you, be thinking of me through this night…and I never stop and think before I speak but you said you like that about me… so tell me more, bare your soul, I want to keep you warm…Oh…I want to keep you it's the small things that make me sure. Like I would happily spend hours on end without words and I know I've said too much too soon…so much too do but so much to loose without you and I never stop and think before I speak but you said you like that about me, so tell me more, bare your soul, I want to keep you warm…Oh…I want to keep you warm.
The buzzing vibration of his mobile phone stirred Harry Cunningham from sleep. Sleep that had only lasted a half hour. Sleep invaded by intrusive dreams which brought guilt and despair bubbling to his consciousness when he awoke. He groped blindly for the phone and answered it with his eyes tightly shut, quickly praying it was Leo. Even her voice caused unexpected swells of emotion to constrict in his chest these days and to his utter shock occasionally caused tears to prick at his eyes in that silent reverie between sleep and wakefulness when she called to dispatch him to a scene. "Morning sweetheart" a female voice said softly to his scratchy hello."Mum" he replied in surprise, it wasn't often she called on a Monday morning. In fact she never did. Harry opened one eye and peered at the alarm clock. 7:13 am."Sorry for disturbing you so early love" his mother continued, her tone taut with sadness."Whats the matter mum?" Harry asked quickly as he sat up in bed, running a hand across his eyes and unshaven jaw. He glanced over to the other side of the bed which remained smooth and uncrumpled. In a microsecond a thought flashed across his mind of Nikki, naked but draped in bed sheets and he squeezed his eyes shut again. He had saw her like that once, his mind didn't need to imagine it, he owned the memory except it was tarnished with pain. She had been unwell and had reached out to him begging him to help her. Harry knew before his mother said another word that she was calling with bad news and without intention he had immediately looked to the other side of the bed. There was no loving wife there to sit up beside him, eyes narrowing in concern, a warm hand sliping up his back in comfort. "I was going to wait and call you later but I've been awake since 4 you see". Harry swallowed and held his breath. He had also been awake at 4. "Its alright mum just tell me what is it"."I haven't been feeling too well for the past couple of weeks…well…months if I'm to be honest Harry..so I eventually let Grace check me out and well..". Harry's world stopped and he couldn't draw breath. 'Please no please no' he thought, a cold sickness gripping him deep in his stomach, "not now, not after everything in Budapest. I can't take this, I wont be able to take this". He knew, he knew his mother was going to say cancer. He knew it. He heard her sharp intake of breath before she confirmed his worst suspicions. "I have cancer, pancreatic…". Harry swallowed a strangled cry. Totally alone he thought. I am going to be totally alone. No family. Nothing. Just the oblivion of meaningless encounters. Maybe that's all he was able for. All he truly deserved. He was unable to respond to his mother. Physically unable to formulate words. "Harry? Harry love speak to me, say something"."Jesus mum" he croaked as tears burned their way down his face. Harry heard his mother begin to cry on the other end of the phone as he swung his legs out of the bed. He felt they weren't his own as they carried him to the living room where he stared out of the window, his phone glued to his ear. "I'm starting chemo today. 9 o clock"."OKay..okay.. right. I'm coming down to you Mum, don't worry I'm going to be there for you, don't worry. It will be alright"."Your room is ready love, as you left it. I'll put on the electric blanket. Take the chill out of the mattress"."Mum don't worry about me, don't worry about anything. I'm coming down to take care of you".Harry assured his mother he'd be at the hospital about lunch time and then ran the shower to as hot as he could bear. Harry still felt cold. A chill deep in his bones had stayed with him since he left Budapest and he could never seem to get properly warm. He pressed his forehead against the tiled wall of the shower and allowed the steaming water cascade down his head and back. Tears flowed quickly down his face. How had he gotten here to this wretched point? How had it come to this?"Get it together man, get it together, she is going to need you now. Think about someone else except your bloody self for a change".Harry wrapped himself in a towel and rummaged through his wardrobe for one of the new shirts he had purchased in bulk. No time for ironing these days. He pulled the shirt from the plastic packaging and dressed quickly. He pulled a black jumper over the light blue shirt and threw his favorite pair of jeans on. A sick feeling returned to his stomach as he realised what he had to do to before stopping off at the lab. It was going to be the very last time he promised himself. But he needed it. Needed it to get him through. Harry pulled a prescription pad from his medical bag and scribbled quickly on it. A half hour later he stood waiting in a Boots chemist, his hands trembling. "Mr. Dawson?…..?" the middle aged pharmacist pulled him from his daydream and he turned in her direction. She regarded him with a strange mixture of concern, pity and something else….was it fear?.. Harry wondered as he checked his reflection in a window. "your prescription is ready" she told him handing out a bag. "Thank you" Harry answered quickly, taking the bag from her and shoving it in his coat later Harry swiped his security card to the main doors to the Lyll centre. As he walked down the coridoor the faint hint of Nikki's perfume wafted warmly into his nostrils. He sighed deeply with sadness and guilt again washing over him. Christ he needed to sleep. Harry pinned all the blame of his current mental state on the total lack of proper rest over the past number of weeks. He could hear her Nikki's voice faintly. By the tone of it she was engaged in some sort of teasing with Leo. He could hear his muffled protestations then her giggling. "Morning!" she said brightly, turning towards Harry when he entered the lab. He marvelled at how stunning she managed to look this early in the morning, how her soft curls bounced gently when she turned her head towards him. She wore a figure hugging grey wool dress and black knee high boots. "Will you please tell Leo that he can not under any circumstances give Janet a set of Denby plates for her birthday". Harry stared at her."My Mum is ill" he whispered and moved to stand closer to her. Leo looked up from a file he had been perusing and moved closer to his two younger colleagues. Nikki stared up at Harry, taking in his unshaven jaw, red eyes and obvious new shirt. Another new shirt. "She has pancreatic cancer. She's starting chemo this morning".He held his watch out in front of him. "right now actually"."Oh Harry…" Nikki mouthed, pulling him down into her arms. She felt the silent tears wet her neck but Harry would not speak. His hands gripped her tightly. He rested his lips against her neck and deeply breathed in her scent. Nikki felt him tremble in her arms, felt the coldness of his skin through his clothes. Harry refused to move for several long moments. Nikki ran one hand up and down his back in a vain attempt to warm him but he was now violently shaking. She gripped the back of his neck with her other hand, pressing him tightly to her, allowing him weep. Leo regarded the pair of them with sadness. So much wasted time he thought. Poor Harry, after everything he had been through, Leo wondered how on earth he was going to cope. He hadn't been himself since the events in Eastern Europe and appeared to be slipping away a little more everyday. He recounted his conversation with Nikki in the hotel room in Budapest when they believed Harry was gone forever. He was fully aware of the change in her too since their return home. There had been not one mention of any Friday night dates. No male callers to the lab. Handsome male police officers and lab techs found their attempts at flirtation ignored and rebuffed. He watched her watching Harry like a hawk these days, saw the sadness and frustration in her felt Nikki swallow against his lips and he snapped his head up and pulled away from her with his eyes shut. He stood straight and took a deep breath and turned to Leo. He fought the urge to also collapse into Leo's arms. Leo had been so much to him over the years. Mentor, brother figure, uncle figure, father figure. Bloody best mate figure."Anything you need Harry say the word" Leo said squeezing his arm tightly "just leave your files on my desk. Don't worry about anything here it'll be taken care of. Take as much time as you need".Harry put his hands on his hips and stared at the floor, not meeting Leo's eyes. He was aware of his silent tears splashing on the floor as he nodded "Thanks Leo…..thank you…I'm going to drive down there now. Drive home….".Nikki was at his side in an instant "Oh Harry you're in no fit state to drive anywhere. I am going to take you". She said the last part looking at Leo who quickly nodded his permission. Harry lifted his head to look at her. More guilt. More sadness. They should be married by now. He should be taking care of her. Loving her. Making love to her. Making little babies with her. She would never want that from him now. Not after Anna. And Penny. Jesus Christ what must she think of him. He was a joke. And she….she deserved only the best. A far better man than ever could be. A handsome human rights lawyer maybe..who completed iron mans at the weekends and ran soup kitchens at Christmas. That's who Nikki deserved. Instead of the arses she usually ended up with. I'm a total arse he thought maybe there's hope for me yet and he smiled in spite of himself. She was watching him, wondering about the little smile, concern creasing her beautiful features. "Just let me grab my things" she said and moved towards the locker room. Harry stared after her. He was even in love with the way she moved. Leo suddenly felt awkward, watching Harry watching Nikki. He was used to their flirting, their teasing, their bickering, their arguing but this was different. Too much had happened. Too much time had passed. This was a time bomb which had the potential to obliterate his lab."What would we do without her?" Harry said in a joking tone. Leo gave Harry a closed mouthed smile which didn't reach his eyes and squeezed his sound of Nikki's car tyres crunching on the gravel yard of Harry's family home stirred him from his sleep. He had fallen asleep five minutes after he and Nikki pulled onto the motorway, the warmth of the car, the warmth of Nikki's perfume enveloping him. She smelled like vanilla and cherries and….just that indefinable smell particular to her. "Nik" he mumbled turning in her direction. She killed the engine and pulled up the handbrake before she turned to him. He looked exhausted."You okay?" she whispered as she placed her hand over his. He closed his eyes and lifted her hand to his lips. "I'm not sure" he answered, his lips vibrating against her soft skin."Oh Harry" she said softly and stroked his face with her free hand. His skin felt cool and clamy. "Let's get you inside eh?" Nikki prompted and unbuckled her 's mother had left the heating on and a blast of warmth mingled with the scent of home filled Harry's nose. So many memories, some of them good. Alot of them bad. Some of them very bad. Harry followed Nikki into the living room, past the fireplace with the chip taken out of it. Harry's father had thrown a vase in a rage and thankfully missed his mother but struck the fireplace. It was strange being with Nikki in this place. She stood looking at him with the car keys held tightly in her hands. He sat on the sofa and grabbed his hair."I'll make us a cuppa before I take you to your mum" Nikki said and moved into the kitchen. Moments later she placed a steaming cup of coffee into Harry's hands and smiled. "No bikkies" I'm afraid."Now I know I'm home" Harry said smiling wanly "Mum and her diets. I was so bloody deprived growing up. Not even a lousy rich tea""Is it why you have such a sweet tooth now then?" Nikki asked grinning at him"Yes I think I'm allowed indulge myself every now and then considering" he retorted and held her gaze. Her smile slowly faded and an awkwardness rose between them. Their usual banter which both had revelled in for years had been slightly disjointed since Harry's death and quick ressurection."I suppose you do" Nikki said trying to keep her tone light "I'll get you some supplies while you're in the hospital. If you're nice to me I might even stretch to a packet of hobnobs"."Am I not always nice to you Nicola" he stated dryly"You have your moments I suppose Harold" she quipped and took a sip of coffee"Harold?...you cheeky..." he started and laughed. Properly laughed. It was a sound he hadn't heard from himself for a long while. God I'm a miserable shit he thought, how the hell does she put up with me? why on earth does she tolerate me?. Harry drained the last of his coffee and stood up."Better get going, just have to use the facilities and then we'll go okay? he said as he walked out of the living room. Nikki didn't see him throw two pills down his throat as he turned his back on they sat back into the car Harry wondered about what he was going to say to his mother. Wondered how she was going to cope. How he was going to cope. He allowed himself a sideways look at Nikki as she focused on the road, the blonde hair and pink lipstick (she probably wouldn't call it pink) contrasted against the grey of everything. The sky hung overcast and low and seemed to threaten snow. The thought of losing his mother terrified Harry and the thought of her passing away when he had caused her so much dissapointment more so. No fancy hat for a big day out. No grandchildren...living ones anyway. Tears pricked at Harry's eyes. He felt like he was truly losing it. He should have been driving down here with Nikki as his wife...she should have a huge rock on her delicate finger. Two little tots dozing in carseats in the back. A doe eyed little girl with soft blonde hair upset about Granny. A baby boy with tufts of fuzzy brown hair and Harry's eyes...Harry pretending to be annoyed when he flung toys at his head as he drove. Nikki smiling at him in that way she does...it'll be alright darling...his hand resting on her thigh...checking the rearview mirror to ensure the kids were sleeping before sliding his hand further... Jesus Harry stop it man. Harry squeezed his eyes shut tight for a second before opening them and sitting up straight. He had to stop this. These fantasies involving Nikki were becoming all consuming and out of control. Six days previously he had headed out to a club at one in the morning and sought out a woman with shoulder length blonde hair and in close in height and build to Nikki as possible. He had bent her over his kitchen table so he wouldn't have to look at her face."It'll be alright Harry" Nikki said as she pulled into a parking space in St. Vincents hospital. He turned to her and blinked rapidly."I won't come in with you now - I'll let you have some privacy with your mum. Just me a text when you need me ok?""Thank you Nikki, thank you for doing this for me, for being here" he said and pressed a kiss to her cheek, leaving it there several seconds longer than intended."Where else would I be Harry?" she called after him as he got out of her car.
