My apologies as this is unbeta'd and my grammar can be odd. I have no wish for Sai to die on the show and yet this came to me and did not want to go away. I also would like to thank xxdantexdonovanxx for reading this over for me and helping me out with Kakashi who is a character I have little experience with in terms of writing him.

A Hollow Victory

"You frickin Retard what the hell were you thinking!?" I think most people would be laughing at this point. Hearing Naruto's voice raise like that it, almost every part of me hurts right now, but, I can handle it. I take in Naruto's expression memorizing it though I don't have much of a chance to look back on it. Though I suppose the situation isn't very funny. His expressions whenever he takes on that tone of voice are so vivid I've drawn them a few times.

"That I wanted to protect you… and that I'm sorry" That wound from the sword hurting me a lot, and I know it was poisoned. But at least it wasn't hurting Naruto, he didn't need this pain. He needed to keep his promise… the one that would have meant the end of my time on their team anyway. Or that's what I'm pretty sure he'd think if he were where I was, he'd think about Sakura about Sasuke.

"Sorry? What the hell are you sorry for!?" He's so noisy… but I can tell something in him is scared. I could always see that. He is scared to fail, he's scared to lose people.

"For not keeping my promise" I notice he's resting my head on his lap. He's warm. Or maybe I'm cold. The poison is eating away at my chakra and I'm tired. I want to tell him I'll be okay, but I can't lie to him now, at least about that.

"You mean the one to make me smile? Sai…" my eyes shut briefly closing out the sight of Naruto's. "Sai?" I open them again and see his eyes are tearing up. Am I hurting him? He…

"Yes.. And now I'm hurting you. Don't cry Dickless…" I must have hurt him, he isn't even reacting to the nickname. I can feel him shaking he looks pale. I'm not sure whether he's scared or sad. His eyes look stormy I think most people would say that they feel whatever Naruto feels if you look into his eyes.

"J-Just stick with me okay? Sakura will come she's great like that, she'll fix you up." His lips turn up faintly. I have never understood that, how he can keep that mask up all the time. His body is shaking his eyes are teary yet he can still force his mouth to turn up. Is this because I took the blow for him? I don't think Sakura will make it in time.

"The poison on the blade sure is strong huh…" I'd seen victims of it once it had been part of my desensitization. I'd never thought I'd be on the wrong end of it. It's eating away my chakra and using it to attack my inner organs it hurts a lot but I can just keep focus through it..

"I can't believe you… talking about poison right now…" He shaking his head. And his eye brows are raised slightly. Confusion, disbelief, but I can still see the fear eating away at him. He's scared of losing another team mate. I'm the cause of Naruto's pain right now, I wish I wasn't. So many people hurt him voluntarily or involuntarily, and it's cruel, I don't want to be remembered like that.

"There was a poem I found one time, comparing jealousy to poison…" I had read poetry one time trying to understand the emotions people supposedly packed into those words. The only one I recalled was that one. Perhaps because I had come to what some people would consider a disturbing realization. That I was attracted to a male, a friend of mine I could not have. Simply because he was in love with someone else. A female, something I can never be, nor would I want to be.

"Okay…" He doesn't know. He won't know. Knowing this would only hurt him more. Sakura, he loves her and despite her foolishness, I think she loves him too. It could be the poison but I feel sick.

"I think I understand it now" She will get to live with him, she will be the one to see him smile. Maybe even smile his true smile. My lungs hurt. The poison is eating away at them now.

"You mean that you feel jealous of someone?" Naruto seems calmer now, but starts looking anxious as probably notices my chakra levels are dangerously low. I think he's also concerned that of all times I'm feeling jealous now. I've been jealous for weeks now without showing any indication of it that I'm aware of. I think I might be feeling something like despair. I hadn't planned on dying today, but as I saw the poisoned blade I had no choice that I could see and pushed him away.

"Sakura loves you, and you love her and I…" I can't finish. I don't want to admit it. It's stupid I want things now. Now that I'm about to die. I can't look him in those eyes. They are the only thing he can't keep masked and I don't want to know if he realizes how I feel. People have said that they feel like Naruto knows everything they feel when he looks them in the eye sometimes I think it's that they see themselves in his eyes. But, I truly don't want him to know, be it through my eyes, actions or voice.

"Sai?" I can hear the question in his voice. He always wants to know. Even if it would hurt him. Betray whatever bond we had developed, smear it with an unneeded emotion since I won't be able to share it. He wants to know what I was going to say.

"It's stupid" I can't breathe and dampness…. Tears escape my eyes as I look at him and he looks haunted, like I'm one of those ghosts he's scared of. And then everything goes black.

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"Sai? Sai!?" I can't feel his chakra. I always sucked at that kind of thing but I can't even tell if he's there. My pulse is racing as I try not to move him and try to remember how the fuck to take someone's pulse. Something by his throat, uhh. I press my hand and then remember that its just my index and middle finger. I can't feel anything. He was poisoned should I have tried to get the poison out!? Why didn't he tell me!?

My hands, all my body is shaking violently. I already killed the guy who did this. The weird sword the guy was using is laying useless on the ground. This is so stupid! "SAI!" I shout shaking him I know it won't wake him up but I want it to. I want the dumb idiot to wake up and call me dickless. I want him to give that creepy smile of his, I want him to actually smile again. I want him to explain why the hell he was crying!

"Bastard!" I punch his chest uselessly while I wait for Sakura and Kakashi sensei. I hear a crack and my arm shakes as I look at my fist on his chest. I think I broke his rib… I pull him up and hold him not caring that I'm holding a guys body to me. "Sai you fucking bastard, Sakura's going to heal you and you're going to explain to me what's so fucking stupid. And why exactly you were jealous and what it has to do with me and Sakura"

I can't remember how long it was supposed to be before people give up on saving someone. Fifteen minutes? Thirty? I don't know how to heal people. I end up talking to Sai, until Sakura and Kakashi show up. I was telling him how much fucking ramen he was going to owe me for scaring me like this before Sakura hurries over and does that medical chakra stuff. And I can tell when her pretty lip starts trembling and those green eyes start welling up that it's too late.

I watch her bring an arm around Sai and one around me as she starts to cry. Her head bowed down just beneath my chin. Sakura starts sobbing and I can't… she's going to make me cry damnit I'm a guy we shouldn't. Her shoulders heave as she sobs shaking like a leaf, and I pull Sai's body and Sakura closer as my own eyes start leaking. "I'm sorry I can't he's already, there was nothing I could have… " I try to shush Sakura a little she's going to be blaming herself again a bit like she did when Sasuke left.

"He saved me, Sakura" Sakura looked up at me her eyes bleary red and puffy. And I recall this thing they did somewhere at funerals where they sort of kiss the person good bye and I mention it to her. She nods at the suggestion and kisses his cheek softly. I briefly realize a small flaw in my plan as I don't make a habit of kissing guys. And the question is where am I supposed to kiss someone.

I feel so dumb thinking about this now, lips, no too intimate. Cheek too girly and neither of us are girls. I finally decide to go for his forehead and move up his headband before pressing my lips to his forehead. I want to say that the two of us combined broke whatever jutsu Sai had placed on him making him seem as if he were dead and he woke up and was wondering why I was kissing his forehead. Or why I was holding him for that matter. But he didn't.

And he wouldn't.

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It's like a nightmare I won't wake up from. I'd been making sure that the Chakra restraints we'd put on Sasuke would stay. Yeah, we found him, unconscious and betrayed by his ancestor. Naruto had said his mission wasn't done yet since they weren't back home and the big bastard was still on the loose. So, he and Sai had went off while me and Kakashi made sure Sasuke wasn't going ANYWHERE.

I knock him out with some well placed medical chakra and then Kakashi and I heard the sounds of fighting. We went over as quickly as we could but I could tell by looking at Kakashi it was too late. And I could tell by feeling Sai's chakra drain out like that. I pressed on as hard as I could I could recognize the poison from there and I knew I had to get the antidote to him as quickly as I could. I was too slow.

"Twelve bowls Sai it'll be at least twelve bowls for scaring me like this." Naruto was talking to Sai's body holding him carefully. I walked heavily at first over to them like I was in a trance and then ran. I could have just taken his pulse but I made myself see the damage to his internal organs as punishment for being so slow for being so worthless. His chakra was completely gone and his organs.

His stomach was riddled with holes from where the chakra fueled poison ate away at it and then up his esophagus and into his lungs and it stopped with his heart. I could tell where Naruto had punched Sai's ribs and had broken one. I brought my arm that felt twice it's weight around Sai and could feel where normally non-fatal wound was. I wrapped my other arm around Naruto and hung my head. I failed. I stare down blankly at the black fabric of Sai's pants as the tears start welling up. I start talking nonsense and I don't know half of what comes out of my mouth before Naruto shush's me. But I couldn't fix him there was too much damage I can't do that Jutsu Pein did.

I'd tried to help him learn emotions and I couldn't do the one thing I was trained for that I spent 3 fucking years spending every hour learning. I couldn't heal him. I look up at Naruto when he starts talking to me "He saved me, Sakura… " he looks so tired…"There's this thing they do somewhere when the body is in the casket everyone at the funeral goes and kisses them good-bye… I think.."

"It's a good idea" I don't know what was going on with Sai the past few weeks before but I'd only seen a few people look so alone before. I leaned down and kissed his cheek. It seemed right, I wasn't his lover, I was just a teammate, maybe a friend. I watched Naruto lean down and kiss Sai's forehead and I felt like I was almost invading something secret, precious before he pulled back and looked at me. I got out of the way and Naruto got up cradling Sai's body to him. I looked at Kakashi who I could see was looking at us staying where he was watching us.

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I'm not sure whether to be more worried that Naruto is dealing with yet another person close to him dying or that this is Sakura's first. I shut my Sharingan eye as I observe them carefully. Sakura's reacting like she had when Sasuke left which in some ways was probably the only thing similar to someone dying who was close to her. I… I'm wondering if I had died in a similar manner when I was younger protecting Obito, if Rin and Obito would be reacting in a similar fashion. With Minato watching over them keeping them safe.

I watch them huddle closer looking more like kids than the capable Shinobi they are. I hear Naruto mention that Sai died saving him and I close my other eye. I catch no indication of Naruto catching on that Sai was in love with him and I hear them speak of a practice in another country. I open my eyes again needing to see both if Naruto will go through with this and to ensure they are safe. The moment is too important to be interrupted by outside interference.

I see Sakura bend downward and kiss Sai's cheek and bending back to give Naruto room. Naruto hesitates briefly Kakashi can almost see the internal debate going on in his head before he moves Sai's head band and kisses his forehead. It's awkwardly kind of intimate to watch because that's probably the first deliberate kiss Naruto's ever given anyone anywhere even if it was just his forehead.

We have Sasuke, though now it feels like a hollow victory. I worry about Sasuke he isn't going to react well to this I can tell he won't be in the same headspace as the rest of the team. I look down and see Naruto's expression as he's carrying Sai's body, I see the same expression he had when Jiraiya passed away. Naruto looks tired in every way a person can. We make our way back to Sasuke in silence. I'm not going to lighten the atmosphere even if there is no casket we are Sai's procession back to Konoha.

I think it will take a bit longer for Naruto to recover from Sai's death. He hasn't had any time to grieve for anyone properly and I know about grieving. It will take time for Sakura as well. He's sure as a med nin Sakura's experienced death but nothing ever prepares you for the death of your comrade, your friend. I see Sasuke's eyes open and I wait to see his reaction. Unsure if I'll be needed to step in or not.

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I only met Sai a few times, I don't know what everyone is so upset about but when I see Naruto holding his body. Even I have to stop and pause. Where'd the loser go? Where'd this guy that looks like Naruto come from? Who was Sai to Naruto that his death effected him so much? Sakura looks different too as she follows behind Naruto silently. Or was it how she looked at me, or rather, didn't look at me. She looks worried about Naruto, and she looks down at the body Naruto is holding. Kakashi's silent like always and I'm not sure what to say.

Did the replacement mean more than him? Would he be carried like this the day he died? He didn't know. "What are you so upset about he's just a replacement…" I scoffed resorting to demeaning the situation to try to figure out my place in this weird new team. Sakura seemed to nearly appear in front of me from nowhere and with a blank expression that chilled my blood. She punched me hard in the stomach. While Kakashi merely watched passively.

"Never, Ever. Say anything like that again. Or I will not hesitate to break every bone in your body. And heal them so I can do it again." She looked disgustedly at me. Naruto was silent as he held the guys body like he was made of porcelain and I shut up. I wasn't a part of this Team Seven… I wasn't in mourning over a weird Ninja that liked belly shirts. I was an outsider, I don't know what Sai has done to become so important to them, and I don't know if I care to find out.