A/N: This is going to be rough. Especially in the beginning. It has some triggers. But its real. It's personal. And I always write a happy ending. If you can stay with me through the first few chapters, I promise there are happier times ahead. I hope you like it. And let me know what you think!
Also, there is a good bit of recall in this story. It flip flops between present and past in most chapters. Memories are in italics.
JANUARY 17, 2014
The office is cold but inviting. As usual. She is impeccably dressed with neat, short hair. Her legs are pulled up underneath her and she looks at me. Waiting. She waits on me without pressure, without an agenda. Her patience annoys me and I fight the urge to tear my eyes from the far wall to meet her gaze. Her heavy-lidded soft stare is too intimate. Too personal. So I fight. I take deep, heavy breaths and purse my lips with their release. And she looks away. I take the opportunity and search her face looking for a mirroring of my frustration with myself… my disgust… my emptiness. But I don't see it. And that angers me. She scribbles a note on her pad. Probably about my unwillingness to participate or my negative mood. But I don't care. I didn't ask for this. None of us asked for this.
And once again my mind is traveling back. It's going back to that day and I can feel the heat on my face and the wind at my back. And I feel the weight in my arms. I feel the sting in my throat.
"So…" I jump at the suddenness of her voice. She sees my attempt to orient myself to the present. Her eyes soften, apologetically. "Tell me, what brings you here?" I am silent. She isn't pushy or irritated with me. But I fight everyday so hard to push it from my memory. I fight everyday to close the wounds that are left. And talking about it just tears them open. But I am so tired of fighting. So tired. I just want to purge myself of it. Of the thoughts. Of the memories.
"What do you want to know?"
"Everything that you are comfortable telling me"
I hate open ended questions. You use them in interrogations. You use them to catch people in lies. You use them against perps. And I open my eyes and look at her with all of my rage and fear and fury. And she smiles at me. The smile is barely there but I see it. It's Maura's smile. The one she reserves for me when I am struggling. All of her comfort and sympathy conveyed. And I can't be angry with that smile. I fell in love with that smile a long time ago. So I let my eyes fall shut again and I grimace. She must see my struggle.
"Let's start smaller. Maura… Isles, is it? She is the one that scheduled this appointment for you I see. Who is she?"
"Maura is… she is Maura. If you knew her you would know what that means." I hear scribbling on a notepad. I breathe deeply. "She is my best friend. She is beautiful. And kind. And generous. And… she is amazing. She is smart. She is funny." I open my eyes and her eyes are big and encouraging. Her pen is hovering over paper. "She is my saving grace. She is everything." My admission startles me and we sit in silence for minutes…hours... I lose track of time staring at the far wall.
She gently encourages. "Sounds like you two are pretty close."
"Enough about Maura." I am impatient and on edge. She is patient and gentle.
"Ok, then. Why are you here?"
NOVEMBER 20TH, 2012.
"It's embarrassing, Jane. The guys give me shit for it. Crowe. Korsak. Frankie. All of 'em."
It is a rare moment that I let Frost drive to a scene. But the guys were ragging him pretty hard earlier about getting sick in the morgue. I thought he needed the manliness of driving today. Uniforms said it is pretty bad. It was given to us as a suicide so we just need to make sure that everything checks out and we are on our way. Maura should already be at the scene.
"You tell them to screw off, Frost. If I recall correctly Crowe lost his lunch, two of them from the looks of it, on the PT requalifiers two years ago. Korsak gives everyone shit about everything. And Frankie. Don't even get me started on Frankie. Did you know he passed out cold when he was 15 and Ma cut her thumb open on broken glass? Out. Cold. Ma got so upset when he fell that she got blood all over him trying to wake him up. When he came to he saw the blood on him and passed out again." Frost chuckled and shook his head. "You are one of the best detectives around, Frost. And I'm not just saying that because Frankie is… Frankie. It's true." He nodded but his mood didn't change. "You are the best partner a girl could ask for, Barry." At the mention of his first name he turned his head toward me. His eyes silently asking for more reassurance. "I'm serious. Do you think I would have put up with your upchucking every other day if I didn't need you?" I punch him harder than necessary on his arm but he breaks out into a genuine smile and shakes his head at me, turning his eyes back to the road.
I pull my phone out of my pocket to text Maura and ask about the scene when Frost slams his brakes, sending my phone to the floorboard. "Goddamnit Frost, What the…"
"Turn the handheld on, Jane. Uniforms got something hot." I look up to see two marked units racing through the intersection with their lights flashing. It is a split second later that I hear their sirens. I fumble with the handheld radio in Frost's unmarked unit but am thrown to the back of my seat when Frost takes off after them, turning his interior flashing lights on as well.
"Get our vests!" I am a step ahead of him reaching around to the back seat floor board to grab our tactical vests. The radio screams to life but we can't decipher what the call is with all of the other officers talking over each other. In frustration I grab the handheld and bark into it.
"PD357 to Headquarters, Break, dispo on situation in upper west, enroute behind marked units"
"Headquarters to PD357. Housefire. Subjects trapped. 211 Elliot. Repeat 211 Elliot. Two children. One adult."
