Christmas on the Ood-Sphere
By Samuel Marks
The Doctor had called it the Zero Room, a place in the TARDIS he could always retreat to in times of severe stress, perhaps after foiling a Dalek invasion or when he was struggling with a particularly troublesome crossword puzzle. It was a room of almost total nothingness, he had explained, and was always a place of calmness and silence.
Donna Noble banged on the door and shouted at the top of her voice, "Doctor! Doctor, are you in there? Is something wrong?"
"Christmas," came the simple, muffled reply.
"Christmas?" Donna repeated. "What about it?"
"Today, back on Earth, relative time, it's Christmas Day. So I'm staying locked up in here. Out of the way."
"But you love Christmas!" Donna protested. She didn't make a habit of stating people's character traits outright, but here it seemed relevant. "You're always going on about the lights and the decorations and the human spirit—"
"And the alien invasions," the Doctor interrupted. "Seriously, Donna, look at my record for trouble-free Christmases. There's barely a single one. It's like, whenever I turn up somewhere at Christmas, I somehow attract extra-terrestrial incursions. Maybe without me there, the universe will have a simple, normal Christmas. No danger. No threats."
"But Christmas is about all that. Well, sort of. It wouldn't be the same without something going wrong, dropping the turkey or getting the presents muddled up or having an enormous family row."
"End-of-the-world stuff is a bit different, don't you think?"
Donna sighed. She felt like a mum trying to coax a miserable teenager out of his room. A teenager with a god complex. Who was actually nine-hundred years old. Donna had to laugh it at all.
"Doctor, just let me in and I—"
"Oh!" the Doctor cried out. "Oh, yes, yes, yes!"
Donna pressed her ear against the door. "What are you doing in there?"
The doors of the Zero Room slid open and the Doctor emerged. He was patting down the pockets of his blue suit jacket, searching for something. After a moment, he pulled the psychic paper out and studied at it. A look of delight appeared on his face.
"What is it?"
"A new message." The Doctor passed the leather wallet to Donna, and she read the words that had appeared on the paper:
Doctor, you are invited to spend Christmas on the Ood-Sphere.
Donna shoved the psychic paper back into the Doctor's hand. "Nice that they included me," she huffed. "I liked the Ood. I like them a lot less now."
"Oh, don't be like that." The Doctor tucked the wallet away. "The Ood are just being cautious. They don't know I haven't moved on to someone else. I get through a lot of companions, you know."
Donna didn't share the Doctor's grin. There it was: the inevitable truth that one day she would have to leave. But not now, Donna told herself. If she had anything to say about it, not ever.
"Fancy it?" the Doctor asked. "Christmas with the Ood?"
"You're not at all suspicious? Because it all worked out so well last time there was an Ood and a mysterious message?" The memories of the Watchtower and the Immortal One were still fresh in her mind. That had been one hell of a day—literally.
The Doctor shrugged. "Seems legit. I'll run a scan before we leave."
So you've already decided we're were going, then, Donna thought. "You changed your tune quick enough," she noted. "What about you and your Christmas curse?"
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Just me being melodramatic. Love a good moan at Christmas. But I'm staying positive. You never know...
"Maybe my luck will change this year."
The trip to the Ood-Sphere was as quick and painless as Donna had come to expect with the Doctor's piloting of the TARDIS. They reached their intended destination of the third attempt, following unplanned stops at a London shopping mall on Christmas Eve, and then in the middle of a stampede of wild animals on the African plains. On reflection, Donna found it difficult to tell the two experiences apart.
When the TARDIS finally arrived on the Ood-Sphere, Donna had expected the Doctor to run to the doors and throw them open like a child on Christmas morning. But he stayed at the console: like most children he seemed happier playing with the box instead.
"Problem?" Donna asked.
"Nope." The Doctor flicked a switch. "Just checking the year. Don't want to get the landing wrong and arrive when the Ood are all still enslaved. Here we go," he said, studying the scanner. "The year is 4131, five years after we freed the Ood."
"And eighteen years after we met the Ood on the Watchtower," Donna said.
"Seventeen," the Doctor corrected.
"Well, whatever. But do you think he'll be here? The Ood we met that day?"
"Maybe," the Doctor shrugged. "It's a long way from the edge of the universe to here, full of dangers and terrors. He might've had to make that trip on his own... But I hope he's here. Be nice to catch up."
Donna hoped so too. "Not that we'll know him in a crowd, though. I mean, they all look the same, don't they?"
The Doctor glared at her. "That's racist."
Together they walked to the TARDIS doors and threw them open. A flurry of snow hit them, and this time even the Doctor began to shiver.
The Doctor slammed the door shut. "Blimey," he said, his teeth chattering.
"I'll get the coats," Donna sighed.
"Hurry up!" the Doctor called, as Donna headed off to find the TARDIS wardrobe. "We don't want to be late. It's Christmas on the Ood-Sphere!"
He had been expecting many things from this Christmas—crackers, party hats, parlour games, a lovely big roast dinner—but he had been unprepared for the bracing cold. It seemed he had previously visited the Ood-Sphere in their summer. Winter there was, in short, horrible.
But he hoped he wasn't being rude, just leaving his TARDIS parked in the middle of their landscape. Perhaps they were waiting eagerly outside for his arrival. He'd have to explain that his companion was fetching their coats.
He poked his head out the doors and looked around. Sure enough, his old friend Ood Sigma was waiting beside the TARDIS.
"Ood Sigma!" the Doctor said, pulling his blue suit jacket tighter around his body. "Hello! How have you been?"
"We have been living comfortably, Doctor. It is wonderful to see you again. But tell me, what brings you to the Ood-Sphere?"
Oh dear, the Doctor thought. He had that feeling—the twinge in the pit of his stomach he got every Christmas. Something was wrong. "You invited us," he said with some uncertainty. "Didn't you?"
"We did not summon you here," Ood Sigma said.
The Doctor's mind was going at a hundred miles an hour. That means... the message... not from the Ood... but who else could...
And then he realised, far too late, "It's a trap!"
Donna was lost. The TARDIS was like a maze to anyone who, unlike the Doctor, couldn't navigate by smell. Each room had a specific scent, he had told her long ago, when she'd been gone for a whole day looking for the bathroom. It was a Time Lord thing, apparently, to have people find their way around by sniffing the air. Donna couldn't see what was wrong with a good old-fashioned sign.
She had been to the wardrobe regularly since stepping onto the TARDIS, but she found it more easily on some occasions than others. It was like the rooms somehow shifted around, as if the ship itself liked to mess with her. She wasn't amused.
Eventually she found the wardrobe—or at least it was a wardrobe, as it wasn't the one she usually used to try on fancy frocks for cocktail parties on Mars. This one was a mess in comparison. Clothes were scattered about everyone, all over the floor.
Better tidy this up, she sighed. This wasn't exactly how she'd wanted to spend Christmas, but someone would have to do it. The Doctor would only say she had made a mess, and she wasn't having that. Donna picked up a bundle of coats off the floor and started to hang them up on a rail.
But nearby, another pile of coats seemed to move. The clothes shifted slightly, a movement so slight it was almost impossible to notice. But Donna noticed it. And there was no denying it—there was something hiding under there. She was not alone.
What happened next was all such a blur, and Donna couldn't recall exactly how it happened. But all of a sudden, the coats were thrown up into the air and whatever was hiding beneath them rose up. Donna tripped over something and tumbled backwards, screaming as she went, screaming all the louder as a terrifying creature loomed over her.
"Merry Christmas, Donna Noble," the monster hissed.
There was a flash of light, and then Donna's scream died away.
Donna's screams carried all the way through the TARDIS, reaching the Doctor in the console room. He slammed the door in Ood Sigma's face, then opened it again to apologise, and then finally set off to find Donna.
He raced through the corridors, sniffing her out. He could smell she was in the seventh emergency reserve wardrobe—what the hell was she going all the way back there? He really needed to get those TARDIS maps printed up. But perhaps now it was too late. Too late to help Donna. What had she found in there?
The Doctor had his sonic screwdriver in hand, ready to dispatch whatever threat Donna had uncovered in the depths of the TARDIS. He burst through the doors, sonic held outstretched—
But the Doctor froze in disbelief. Donna was on the floor, laughing hysterically, as a strange figure stood over her. It held a device in its hand that crackled with electricity—the Doctor knew it as a translation sphere.
There was an Ood in the wardrobe.
Donna composed herself when she saw the Doctor. He wouldn't find this funny, she knew that, but it all seemed so absurd to her. An Ood hiding out in the TARDIS. How? Why? So many questions.
"What the... How did... What's going on?" The Doctor seemed lost for words.
"Don't ask me, Time Boy," smiled Donna, as the Doctor helped her to her feet. "I was just looking for coats. Didn't expect to find an Ood."
"No one ever does." The Doctor still seemed suspicious. He aimed the sonic at the Ood. "Whose influence are you under? What are you doing on my ship?"
"I am carrying out no one's will but my own," the Ood hissed. Its voice sounded menacing, and it held up its faulty translation sphere. "It sustained some damage in transit. Your piloting skills are in dire need of improvement, Doctor."
The Doctor set to work fixing the translation sphere, and said, "Do not sneak aboard the TARDIS and criticise my flying. You don't like it, you can stand at the side of the time vortex and try to hitchhike aboard another one."
The Ood nodded. "My apologies. It is Christmas, is it not? A time of fun and joy. I was attempting a humorous remark. But I can see that you are not entertained, Doctor. You have questions?"
"I do indeed. Tell us everything."
Seventeen Years Earlier...
The Immortal One had been defeated and the Watchtower was at peace once again, despite the countless lives that had been lost. The Doctor and Donna Noble said their goodbyes to the Ood, who watched as they strolled over to the TARDIS.
The Ood studied them, wondering where they would go next. They had shown great kindness towards the Ood that day, and he could only guess that they were part of the movement known as Friends of the Ood. That might mean, the Ood hoped, that they would be travelling to the Ood-Sphere from here.
The Ood wanted desperately to see its home once again. When his masters from the Human Foundation arrived on the Watchtower later that day, the Ood knew that he would be sent to work somewhere else almost immediately. Freedom seemed so far away, such an impossible dream.
Only the Doctor could make this Ood's dreams a reality.
The Ood looked over at the Doctor and Donna Noble, who were leaning against the side of the police box. They seemed deep in conversation—and therefore distracted.
This was the Ood's chance. He scurried over to the TARDIS, opened the door, and tiptoed inside. The Ood looked for somewhere in the control room to hide, but couldn't find any concealed areas—it was all so bright and open, the Ood would never stay hidden in here.
So the Ood made for the corridor leading to the rest of the ship, and after a while of searching found what looked like a quiet area where it could wait—a wardrobe.
When the engines stop, the Ood knew, the TARDIS would be on the Ood-Sphere and he could see his home once again.
Of course, the Ood quickly realised that the Doctor had no intention of travelling to the Ood-Sphere now or indeed ever.
Each time the TARDIS arrived in a new destination, the Ood closed its eyes and tried to attune a psychic connection to its home world. But there was no indication in the ether that the Ood-Sphere was close. So it decided to organise the trip itself.
The Ood closed its eyes, concentrated hard, and tried to send a message to the Doctor, promising something he knew the Time Lord could never resist.
Christmas on the Ood-Sphere.
Now...
The Doctor seemed almost lost for words. "So... it was a trick?"
The Ood nodded. "I regret my deception, but I so desperately desire to see my home once again. When your companion spoke of it on the Watchtower, promising that I could sing in the snow of my own world, I found my heart yearning to return."
The Doctor looked at Donna and raised an eyebrow.
"Hey, it's not my fault, spaceman!" she protested. "How did I know he'd end up as a stowaway?"
"And yet that's exactly what you did," the Doctor said to the Ood. "It's all a bit sneaky, isn't it? I'm not impressed."
The Ood looked at the floor. "Once again, I apologise."
There was silence for a moment, then the Doctor clapped his hands together and Donna was relieved to see a smile on his face. "Well, there's no harm done. And now that we're here, we might as well enjoy ourselves, eh?"
"Christmas on the Ood-Sphere!" Donna grinned. "Sounds marvellous."
"Oh, it is," replied the Ood. "You will have a wonderful time, DoctorDonna. My kin enjoy the festive season more than most other species. It is a time for celebration and feasting and—"
"Parlour games?" asked the Doctor hopefully.
"Charades and Cluedo," the Ood nodded.
The Doctor rubbed his hands together with glee. "Brilliant!"
"You could say," Donna began, "Cl-Ood-o."
The Doctor shook his head disapprovingly. "Oh dear."
The trio made their way back to the console room, and the Doctor and Donna threw on their coats as Ood Sigma welcomed the Ood from the Watchtower home.
"See?" Donna said, as they stepped out onto the snowy landscape. "Something doesn't always have to go wrong. Sure, there was a stowaway, but that's nothing to do with bad luck—you're certainly not cursed. I think, Doctor, that you might be safe to enjoy yourself this year."
Suddenly there was a mighty roar from the sky, and Donna looked up to see the clouds part and a huge spaceship begin its descent towards the Ood-Sphere.
"That's not... Doctor, is it aliens?"
The Doctor nodded miserably. "An alien invasion." He looked at Donna through tired eyes. "Time to go to work."
The ship began spitting laser bolts onto the ground below, and hundreds of alien soldiers were deployed, ready to invade the Ood-Sphere.
"Merry Christmas," said the Doctor dryly, as he and Donna ran towards the spaceship. This was Christmas on the Ood-Sphere... What else did they expect?
