Of Magic and Mayhem


Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was nothing if not observant. When it came to people-watching, he was a master and could theoretically depict their personality by simply watching them. It was part of being a certifiable genius to be able to read people like open books, in the Headmaster's none-so-humble opinion.

So, it was around two years after the remarkable Lily Evans, James Potter, and the rest of their friends, were Sorted into their first year at Hogwarts, that Albus noticed an influx of unique new children. In Evans's second year, there were three boys with the surname of Uzumaki, one going by Uchiha, and then another four called Senju. In that year, the number of first years multiplied exponentially.

The year after, there were even more of the three families, which by then were officially recognized as individual clans. The Uchiha clan excelled in anything they did, producing the most geniuses that Albus had ever seen in his life. The dark-haired, dark-eyed, and pale students outshone all of the keen children in the past, even the brilliance of Tom Riddle himself. On top of that, they held an ethereal quality that made them, even the males (and sometimes especially the males, oddly enough), incredibly beautiful.

In other words, many believed the Uchiha to be perfect. That was, right up until they saw an angry Uchiha. Then the popular consensuses had agreed the Uchiha clan was simply terrifying. And may the gods forbid you hurt someone they loved.

Albus shuddered, picturing half of the castle gone. An Uchiha girl by the name of Yukio had tried to wreak havoc on the school after the deaths of her twin brother. Overcome by grief, the only way she could think of to save herself from her pain was to inflict it tenfold on those around her. The Headmaster would never forgot those eyes, even after a couple decades.

He had decided then that the Uchiha weren't those legendary blocks of ice the world liked to paint them as, in their blind fear. On the contrary, Albus could already see that their curse was how deeply they loved. He had learned long ago that love was the most powerful force in the universe, and the Uchiha proved it in painful ways.

However, always closely by the Uchiha, was the Senju clan. They were well-liked by the magical

world, idolized even. The Senju, on the flip side of the Uchiha, were open and kind. In the past four decades, the Senju clan had produced more healers than any other family. On top of that, they were always rivaling the Uchiha in how many geniuses they could produce each year. Luckily for the school's reputation, the Senju were mostly healers.

Although, there were those anomalies. He clearly remembered the grounds being torn beyond recognition in a battle between a Senju and Uchiha around Lily's and James's fifth year. It was mostly memorable because the ever-mischievous Uzumaki students in the school set up a five-layer barrier around their fight, preventing the teachers from interrupting. Five hours later, a lake-sized crater, and a lot of cracking heads later, they finally took down the barrier.

Surprise of all surprises, the Senju came out of the fight as the victor. It took nearly three weeks for the Uchiha to wake out of a coma, which Albus suspected was self-induced out of embarrassment over losing. While the Senju clan didn't have the uncanny ability to learn everything immediately, their ability to almost always come out of fights on top was even more unnerving.

A couple had even been born with special abilities that even surpassed that of magic. More than a few Senju had the ability to manipulate nature, and could use this ability both in and out battle. The wood-style users, as they were called, were also incredible healers.

Albus had lost count of the amount of times he found a tree growing out of the walls, or a branch snap out of a doorway just in time to trip up an unwary Uchiha student. He had also lost count of the amount of times the professors had tried, and failed, to stop the following battle that almost always ensued.

Those two clans by themselves were destructive enough to make any Headmaster of a school dread every single Monday morning. And that wasn't even counting the Uzumaki clan.

The Uzumaki clan, to put it in easy terms, was a nightmare. From their ferocity, to their flaming hair, they were like a bag full of explosives held above a bonfire. The cheap rope bought used at a yard sale? That was their temperament, ready to snap at any moment.

On top of that, even the most incompetent Uzumaki was a natural-born seal master. Pair that with their temper and an inhuman amount of magical (and physical) stamina, the professors had a recipe for anti-gravity rooms, pocket dimensions that dumped a small pond-worth of water at random moments, and absolutely no way to trace the seal back to the culprit.

While they didn't pick up on all subjects the same way the Senju and Uchiha often did, they were hardy enough not to need them. More than once, Albus had seen an Uzumaki win a duel out of pure willpower. Sometimes he wanted to take a random Uzumaki and tell them to run around the school grounds until they dropped, just to see how long they could actually go before their stamina finally gave out.

Unfortunately, Albus had more important things to do than stand around for about a week, watching an Uzumaki prove just how much energy they had stored away at all times.

And then, around Lily Evans's and James Potter's third year, Tsunade Senju was released into the world. From the very first day (read: punch), that resulted in three walls being reduced to crumbled bits, the Headmaster knew she was going to go places. Not because of her strength, although that was also a contributing factor, but by her intelligence.

Within the first week of school she had come out on top of a written medical debate with the medic-wizards of Saint Mungo's. A week after that, the groundbreaking revelation of how important physical exertion was to all magical beings was introduced to the papers.

Apparently magical reserves were directly connected with physical fitness. The stronger the body and higher than physical stamina, the more powerful the wizard. On top of that, it bolstered the magic supporting their bodies and slowed aging, potentially increasing all magical life by a couple decades. Albus Dumbledore wasn't ashamed to admit he started going on morning walks.

The next year, a mandatory physical education class was introduced to the school. For the next few years, the professors in charge of that class switched out, until it settled on Hatake Sakumo. The man came from another rising clan, although it was much smaller than the others. It was no exaggeration to call the man a physical genius. Albus had never seen a man move so fast in his life, and Sakumo didn't use a drop of magic.

Without knowing it, the world had changed. The willing players in the game had no reason to think it was anything other than it should have been, which was for the best. No one would ever find out how it came to be, nor would they be able to explain the answers left by their ancestors. There were vague tomes, riddles at best, to explain their sudden existence on Earth. They could all search their entire life, but would never know.

Somewhere in a world between life and death, the Rikudo Sennin smiled. They had wanted him to change the world – well, no one said he couldn't have fun whilst doing so.


Another year, another Sorting Ceremony. Albus Dumbledore went through this every year, yet it never managed to get old. Then again, it was hard to get bored when the professors had made it a hobby to guess what odd hair colors would be seen that year. They had seen a couple green, some blue, and a surprising amount of silver hair. Last year there was an orange, and before that a purple. They had the entire color wheel.

Mere seconds later, the first years lined up like finely-packed sardines, for everyone in the school to watch. Albus could see the top of Harry Potter's crimson-haired head, standing next to a boy with hair the color of sunshine. There was blond hair, and then there was that boy's hair – and it was bright as the sun.

He could already pick out at least one Uchiha from the students, maybe a Senju. That was going to be a cause for war in the future. For a second he thought the second redhead was an Uzumaki, before he remembered the youngest son of the Weasley's ilk was heading into his first year. Of course, hair color wasn't the only usual feature on a child these days, though.

Albus watched a rather androgynous child with inky black hair and golden eyes fidget, standing to the left of Harry Potter. It wasn't the ambiguous gender that made the child strange, though – Hogwarts had already seen plenty of those. Moreover, it was the fact the child had slitted pupils, like a snake. The boy – or maybe girl – had to be a shoe-in for Slytherin with those eyes.

Yet, the Headmaster wavered on that decision when he saw the undeniable shyness the child exhibited. It was at these kinds of moments that Albus wished the Sorting Hat looked into more than just the child's personality, but growth of the future. Whether he flourished or failed in the snake house, he would be utterly broken.

He also decided to just assume the child was a boy, even though he still wasn't entirely sure.

That was around when two boys, one a brunet with a bowl cut and the other with spiky raven hair, got into a fight. After a moment or two of scrutinizing the children (while Professor McGonagall separated them), he deduced they were probably a Senju and an Uchiha. The raven-haired boy looked a little gruff for an Uchiha, but the other was clearly a Senju – and only those two clans would end up in a fight before the school year officially started.

Albus turned a critical eye to the other raven-haired boy, who was most definitely an Uchiha. He had the classic dark hair and eyes, with porcelain skin. So far, that was two Uchiha and one Senju. The Headmaster did a tally of how much funds Hogwarts had for damage (because believe it or not, not everything could be solved with magic), and a rough calculation of how high the paperwork on his desk was going to pile.

He could already tell the next seven years were going to hell.

"Kaguya, Kimimaro," was called out after the two boys stopped quarreling. The white-haired boy, who was actually fairly normal aside from the strange markings above and under his eyes, sat on the stool. Within seconds, he was shunted off to Hufflepuff.

Albus made a mental note to watch out for anyone the boy got attached to. The unusual Hufflepuffs had a bad habit of having the same Uchiha love-insanity complex.

Next was, "Potter, Harry!" who was sorted into Gryffindor, which Albus had expected from the beginning. He had no doubt the Sorting Hat found a few possible choices for the boy, but Gryffindor would suit him well. The redhead made his way to the red and gold table, visibly relieved.

"Senju, Hashirama!"

The brunet boy positively beamed at the school, almost skipping to the stool. He was exuding so much happiness that when the Uchiha boy arguing with him earlier made a very rude hand-gesture, Albus was certain it was out of pure spite. Hashirama Senju returned the favor with an even cruder gesture, that made a couple of the students gasp and the professors groan in dismay.

When the boy was sorted into Hufflepuff, along with most of the other children before him, Albus started to wonder if most of the first years would be in Hufflepuff. If so, they were going to have to shuffle the first years around a bit. There was no way Severus Snape could handle a class of twenty Hufflepuffs at once. Not without going utterly insane, that is.

"Senju, Tobirama!"

An albino boy answered the call, showing none of the exuberance his brother (presumably) had before him. In fact, he didn't really show any emotion. Albus wasn't much a betting man, but if he were, he would have made a couple galleons that night. He was sure the boy was a Ravenclaw, and was entirely correct.

Hashirama looked utterly betrayed. His magic reacted, a snowstorm coalescing above his head. It made all too much sense why he was sorted into Hufflepuff. Tobirama, on the other hand, didn't seem to care.

Albus took a moment to contemplate a battle between two Senju, both armed with the ridiculous luck of their clan and miraculous ability to always win. He shuddered – again.

"Uchiha, Madara!"

The raven-haired boy dropped onto the school, face still caught in a scowl.

"Yo, Madara!" called Hashirama with a grin. "You gotta get sorted into Hufflepuff with me!"

"Not on your life, Senju," snarled Madara.

The hat was dropped on his head. Within seconds his face morphed into one of horror.

"No, don't you dare you little shi –"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Goddammit!"

After a swat to the back of head, courtesy of one irate Professor McGonagall, he was forcibly led to the badger table. Within seconds, he had Hashirama were another fight, although they both seemed to be enjoying it, oddly enough. Since they weren't being too loud and hadn't put any holes in the walls, Professor McGonagall chose to pretend it wasn't happening.

"Uchiha, Sasuke!"

Albus sighed. Another one for Huffle –

"Slytherin!"

What the hell?!

The dark-haired boy strutted to the Slytherin table with an air of superior befitting of the Uchiha clan. Despite that common arrogance, the Uchiha were almost always sorted into Hufflepuff. If not Hufflepuff, then it was Ravenclaw. An Uchiha in the house of the snakes was unheard of – and a little terrifying.

"Uzumaki, Nagato!"

Albus almost choked for a second, but didn't because he was far too old for those kinds of comical mistakes. In any case, how the ever-loving hell did he miss the third redhead? Nagato Uzumaki's crimson hair was just as bright as any other in his clan, but for reasons unknown to Albus, he hadn't noticed. Suddenly, it occurred to him that he might be desensitized to the color red.

The redhead was seated on the stool. Most of them were either sorted into Gryffindor or Ravenclaw, so when the hat called out "Gryffindor!" he wasn't surprised. He was surprised, however, when the next name to be called was: "Uzumaki, Naruto!"

Albus didn't have to see Severus Snape to know the man's eye was twitching. The Headmaster himself already had reservations over this Naruto Uzumaki. Those reservations had mainly to do with the fact he was well-read in many different languages and the various translations those languages had. In recent years, he had become especially accustomed with Japanese, so he knew the meaning of the name Naruto – both of them, in fact.

Honestly, fishcake wasn't much better than maelstrom. Just who named that child and what were they thinking?

The fiendish grin on the blond boy's face, paired with the whisker-marks and his sorting into Gryffindor, did not bode well for the future of Hogwarts. Naruto had troublemaker written all over him, of the likes that hadn't been seen since the Weasley Twins' legendary sorting.

To the left of Severus Snape, a man with white hair and red markings down his face snickered. He had to be in his forties, but everyone else knew his maturity was probably a few years under that age. Despite that, Jiraiya was an unshakable confident, and if there was anyone Albus knew he could rely on it was Jiraiya. Well, right up until the man caught sight of a public bathroom.

"That's my godson," he proclaimed proudly. "I'm gonna give him extra training."

Severus's lips thinned.

"You are not supposed to favor particular students," he bit out waspishly.

Jiraiya rolled his eyes, before letting them dragged off toward Tsunade (and it wasn't her face). He said distractedly, "As if you're not bias toward your own godson."

"Uzumaki, Yahiko!"

Albus blanched. Another one?

The boy had orange hair, a couple shades lighter than Nagato's and a little darker than Naruto's. He was swiftly put into Gryffindor, with Nagato and Naruto.

Three Uzumaki in one house, in the same year. Two Uchiha. Two Senju. Just what did Albus Dumbledore ever do to deserve those numbers?

Eventually, all that was left was the Weasley boy, the snake-like child (Dumbledore had retracted his surety of the child being male and had it still up for debate – he was considering a betting pool), and a boy that he was sure belonged to the Zabini family.

The Weasley boy was sorted into Gryffindor, which Albus had expected. However, when the snake-like child sat on the stool, the Sorting Hat lowered by his head, Jiraiya moved without warning. His hand went up in a strange hand sign, dark eyes more serious than Albus had ever seen – even during wartime.

For a second, the Hat went stiff as a regular article of clothing, before abruptly reanimating. Professor McGonagall looked startled, but gently set it on the child's head.

"GRYFFINDOR!" the Hat called out, unnecessarily loud.

Albus threw a shrewd look at the white-haired man, promising that an explanation would be an order later that night. Not cowed in the least, Jiraiya met his gaze evenly, before glancing away. There was a grim, shared look between him and Tsunade. Whatever had happened, it was important to them, but they were good enough not to reveal a single thing.

There was a reason Jiraiya specialized in spying and espionage. In fact, Albus would go as far to say Jiraiya rivaled Severus in the art of lying. The man, behind all the immaturity and goofy demeanor, was a natural-born spy. Perhaps it was because of that unassuming personality that he was such a good spy, too. No one expected Jiraiya to be a secret genius.

A small puff of smoke billowed at Albus's hands, behind his goblet. A scrap of parchment appeared, with the words, I'll explain him later.

Albus nodded in the man's direction, receiving no acknowledgment in return. He supposed Jiraiya's years working undercover were responsible. At the very least, the Headmaster now knew that Orochimaru Yashagoro was a boy. He would have to spread the word, to spare the teachers any awkward pauses in class.

It had already occurred to Albus that had he not agreed to abolish the female and male uniform, sticking to a looser regulation that allowed each gender to wear trousers or skirts, he wouldn't have taken so long to figure out the boy's gender. In the face of Tsunade Senju's wrath, a woman capable of the greatest feats of strength seen to mankind, the decision had been quick and snappy. And there were no take-backs.

Once the final new student, Zabini, Blaise, was sorted into Slytherin, Albus stood to deliver his start of year speech. It was always amusing to watch the students' varying emotions, from bewilderment to grudging respect, at his unique choice of wordplay.

As he returned to his seat, there was really only one certainty in his mind: the following years were going to be very entertaining.


Aaannnd, another fic. This one is Tora's idea, but man, we have an unhealthy amount inspiration for it.

It's also kind of a crack fic. I mean that in the best way, of course.

In other words, a crack fic done seriously. Some stuff we'd like to announce first- updates will be completely unpredictable. We have different moods for different fics. And we-kind of- have a life. Another thing- now, imagine all the characters you wish that hadn't died in Naruto. Now imagine them alive. And input them into this fic. Just warning you guys so you know what to expect. Pairings- unsure. We kind of suck at romance, but MinaKushi's always going to be there.

I'm not big writing romance, although I do love subtext for the sake of seriousness and humor alike. Also, MinaKushi ftw. Ryu0 and I can agree on that.

That's all for now, until next time-

Ryu0Tora