Freshman Year
Author: Lilylovett
Disclaimer: "Faking It" the TV series © MTV and its related entities. All rights reserved. There is no profit, aside from satisfaction here.
Rating: M
Summary: Unresolved feelings lead Karma and Amy on an unexpected journey.
Notes: In this story, the events of "Faking It" did not happen the way they were presented in canon. Karma still fell for Liam and Amy for Karma, but Karma did not fake being a lesbian with Amy. I reposted this first chapter to exclude Amy meeting Reagan in high school.
This is a deeply personal story, related to an actual experience. A severe trigger warning for events to come. More specific warnings will be noted when the chapters come up.
Prologue
Karma Ashcroft loves Amy Raudenfield. She has never experienced such a pull toward one person in her life; and she knows—revels in the fact even—that Amy feels the same way. They have always said they were kindred spirits, because it feels like no matter the time or place, they would find each other again. Their relationship has always seemed to them an undeniable connection that transcends time and other people; whether Karma is dating every boy that seems to pique interest or Amy is beginning to experiment with girls, there is no doubt that they'll always go back to each other.
That's why college seemed exciting and not dangerous at all. Karma and Amy had already decided to be roommates in a freshman dorm at the University of Texas. Living on campus, they agreed, would acclimate them to finding other friends and becoming involved in activities they would respectively enjoy. UT was a huge school, and they had heard from older friends it was easy to get lost in the mix and stick to your high school crowd. But admittedly, neither girl had much of a crowd beyond each other, so they were ready to expand.
Karma is a music and education double major. Amy is a computer science major, which Karma has made fun of her for since she put it down on her application junior year. "I'm best friends with a nerd," Karma would joke, grinning like the Cheshire Cat when Amy's standard reply comes after a healthy beat: "And you wouldn't have it any other way." Much of the summer going into their freshman year, they still spent an almost unhealthy time at each other's houses. Fantasizing about future epic college significant others, college parties, witty college professors, and overall the new freedom that would come along with University life.
Even though she would never admit it, Karma was fearful of the time they had spent together during the summer. Would Amy become tired of her? She spent all of junior year dazed over Liam Booker, causing an exasperated Amy to distance herself from Karma. She had also somehow confused Amy, causing the other girl to think she was in love with Karma. And that was the first time in years they had actually gone more than 48 hours without seeing each other, at the cause of some event other than a spontaneous family vacation. So, Karma felt like she was now overcompensating ever since she dumped Liam. She had discovered he was only attracted to her, due to his belief that he was the "exception" to her supposed lesbianism, which was not only a misconception, but also hugely offensive to all involved.
Regardless, Karma eventually forgave Liam, especially considering they would see each other around at UT. (He opted for a public university in his undergrad, partially to piss off his upper class parents, but that's a story for another time.) And while Karma made it clear that she would never give Liam the hope of dating him again, she remained his good friend. It turned out easier to talk to him about his escapades with girls than she thought; in turn, Karma only had the occasional mishap between her and Amy to share with him, which he helped her see the sense in those disputes. It turned out be a much better dynamic for them, than when they were actually dating.
Karma knew she had broken Amy's heart junior year. Amy had somehow believed she was in love with Karma, whereas Karma chalked it up to some crush. How could Amy be in love with her, when Karma barely loved herself after the way she let Liam treat her? During senior year, the two spent the entire time figuring out their boundaries. They decided to go into college with a fresh start, all underlying feelings pushed aside to provide way for new friends and relationships.
What Karma wasn't prepared for, was this underlying feeling that maybe Amy meant too much to her. They were best friends, yes. But she did not expect the weight of her dependency on the other girl to grow to the point of irrevocable depths.
1. Comfort
So, it's freshman year and Karma already fucks up, because she knows it's what she's best at. It's only the third week of school, and she has gotten an alcohol citation. Karma was flirting with some frat boy she met in her English 101 class, and they are drinking and smoking and kissing in some random park off campus, and it felt good, but then a cop comes by and almost arrests them for trespassing. The cop feels bad that she's a freshman and clearly freaked out, so he only gives her an underage-drinking citation. (She never talks to the frat boy again.) Even though it's a lesser charge than both possession and trespassing, she's still unbelievably shaken.
After the cop lets them go, Karma runs away. She ignores his protests of: "Are you okay? Hold on Karma, I swear this isn't as bad as it sounds." Because she just got here, and she's not ready to have to go to court and face all of these fucking consequences… of course she'd be so unlucky. The first thing she does when she finds a bench actually on school grounds, brightly lit and assuredly next to a blue box, is call Liam Booker. He answers her, worried that she's calling at 2am on a school night.
"Karma, are you okay?" His voice sounds tired, but awake. And that's all she needs to not feel terrible about bothering him in the middle of the night.
"Liam. I fucked up. And I don't know what to tell my parents or Amy or anyone…I can't breathe, I feel like, of course this would happen to me freshman year. You'd think I'd remember to do good things and all, because of the name, but I know I have bad karma, because I do shitty things and this was bound to happen at some point, but did it really have to be—"
"Slow down, Karma," Liam sounds more alert now. "Breathe, it's going to be okay."
"I think I'm still high," Karma cradles the phone against her ear, grateful of the rare lack of humidity.
"Just explain what happened, from start to finish," And when she doesn't respond right away, he tacks on: "No judgment."
"Jack is this cute sophomore from my English class. He took me to a park off-campus tonight, and we smoked and drank together. It was nice, but I had a bad feeling the entire time. I knew it was dumb to do these things in public, but he made it seem like it was his spot and well I trusted him, because he seemed to know his way around UT. And then a cop came and gave us alcohol citations. Luckily nothing else, but it still feels awful to have gotten caught at all." Liam was quiet, making sure that Karma was really finished with her story.
"It sounds like it's going to be okay, Karma," Liam is relieved that she's not hurt and that the guy wasn't an asshole, just an idiot. "I'm gonna suggest you never hangout with Jack again, though."
"Of course I won't. I'm mostly worried about Amy's reaction. What if she judges me for being so dumb? I'm scared, Liam." She sighs into the phone, her eyes tired from already having cried before she made the phone call.
"Do you want me to come there? Are you still outside, by the way?"
"I'm safe, don't worry, Liam. Literally five minutes away from my quad. I think I'll go back inside soon."
"Okay, good. And about Amy, I think she'll try her hardest to be there for you through this. I know it's going to be rough telling your parents. But at least you know they'll eventually be supportive of you, rather than considering excommunicating you from the family, like mine would." Liam forces a laugh.
"I know you're right. My parents probably would've wanted to fight the man with me if I had gotten arrested for pot. But still, I know they won't exactly be proud. We don't have a fortune to spend on college in the first place."
"Right, and that's what Amy and I are here for. You've got to tell her at some point. So go back to your dorm, take a shower, and then let her know. Get some rest, and figure out what you need to do for your court date tomorrow." He hopes Karma is more relaxed by now. She sounds less anxious over the sound.
"Okay. Thanks for everything. Good night, Liam." Karma doesn't wait for his response. She's tired of talking about it, and even more exhausted by how often the encounter with the cop has replayed in her mind. Liam's idea of a shower is a truly brilliant one.
When Karma reenters the room, she can sense that Amy is still awake, even though the lights are off and she is carefully tucked into bed. Karma showers and changes quickly, feeling guilty that she'll have to rouse Amy so late into the night. Karma sits on her bed, for a full twenty minutes, looking toward Amy, an unexpected question that jostles in her mind.
Amy finally breaks the silence by asking, without removing the pillow from over her head, "Are you okay? It's freaking late and I can feel your gaze penetrating my awful bedhead."
"Yeah," Karma responds, suddenly the idea of explaining everything to Amy sounds akin to hiking Mount Everest. Five minutes later, the wrong words come out, and she's asking Amy: "Can I sleep with you?" without any explanation, which makes the request kind of weird, even for them.
"Yeah," Amy says, pulling down her duvet and allowing the other girl to slide in. Karma doesn't know why she needs to be close to her, when before, when after the conversation with Liam the last thing she had wanted to do was be near anyone. It felt like dropping off the face of the earth would have been preferable to facing someone that would eventually need to know about her stupid freshman mistake. That's why Karma feels a tightness in her stomach when she finds Amy holding her, their hands almost interlocking. Even though Karma doesn't sleep well that night, Amy's body next to hers is comforting.
The next morning, Karma watches Amy get ready for class. She slowly puts on her ring, taking even more care than usual to put her books and notebook into her backpack. She seems to hesitate for a long time. When Karma finally sees Amy ready to walk out the door, she removes herself from Amy's bed, yesterday's clothes on and all. She walks close to Amy, and hugs her for a very long time. Karma is on the verge of tears, but doesn't feel quite ready, yet to explain what has happened. They stay like that for a long time, and when they break apart Amy doesn't ask what happens, just says: "See you at lunch?"
It comes out more as a statement rather than a question, and it hangs in the air as Amy opens their door and leaves.
