GROWING UP IS HARD TO DO - Chapter 1- My preference for how the Rayna/Deacon Story unfolds after Rayna's engagement to Luke. This is a first step in creating a path for Rayna and Deacon to reunite in a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Rayna wakes up, heart beating. She can almost feel Deacon's lips and the ring he put in her hand. The dream seemed way too real. She looks down on her left hand, Luke's ring is still there. 'Stay Strong' she says to herself.
Luke wakes up.
' Hey sugar.' His kiss was sweet. Very loving and safe, but Rayna couldn't disguise the concerned look on her face. 'You okay?'
'Yes, what a whirl wind. I got some looks last night from Teddy and the girls at the afterparty. I told the girls I would be at the house this afternoon and we would get together after school and talk about things- you know, to reassure them that we're not going to turn their worlds upside down because of our upcoming marriage.'
'Good idea.'
'Did you think about that, Luke, how we'll help the kids walk through this?'
'Well, my kids are older and used to moving around. I thought maybe we'd just move here, or you could talk to Teddy and consider selling the house or renting it and we could buy a place of our own. I'm open. My kids spend most of their time with their mother, anyway. Whatever works best for you and the girls. You'll need to meet my ex, too, I suppose. Huh, hadn't really thought about that one.'- and they both laughed.
'You're a good man, Luke and I'm a lucky woman. I love you.'
'I love you, too.'
But Rayna was nervous about the girls. It seems that there was a lot that Luke hadn't thought of when he proposed in front of thousands of people. The girls had already been through so much with the divorce and Deacon and now their family was about to change again. Reality was settling in. She got up and got ready for her meeting with Bucky at the studio to discuss the upcoming tour for her release, but the butterflies in her stomach about her impending talk with the girls would not go away.
Later in the day, Rayna came home to wait for the girls. The voicemail message on her phone was making her nervous. It was from Deacon. She didn't want to listen to it, assuming she was going to get an earful. If Teddy was upset, she could only imagine how upset Deacon would be. She didn't want to let him talk her out of this, she wanted to move forward. She'd promised herself after the accident she would 'save herself' and that's what she was doing. Luke was a good, responsible, man who treated her right. They had so much in common, kids, divorce, and the business. But she was still nervous and something was just eating at her, not letting her fully bask in this moment . 'The Queen of Country just got engaged to the King of Country.' Rayna could see the headlines. This would be great for both of their careers, especially her record. Oh, she caught herself. Am I really thinking this? Rayna, watch yourself! Despite the butterflies, she listened to the message.
'Hey, Ray, wondering if I'm still on for this Friday with Maddie. Suppose congratulations are due. I'm happy for you both. Talk to you soon.'
Relieved, Rayna called Deacon back.
'Hey'
'Hey, Ray. That was some show last night. How're you doing this morning? You happy?'
'Yes, thank you, Deacon, I am. '
'Have you talked to the girls yet?'
'No, but I'm about to. I know this isn't what they expected. '
Yeah, Maddie was pretty upset last night. I told her we all love her, that you love her, that Luke's a good man and we'll make sure she and Daphne are fine.'
'Wow, you don't know how much I appreciate your support. I thought you'd be made at me. I know this means more change, but we'll all work it out.'
There was silence for a few seconds until Deacon responded: 'I don't have a right to be mad at you for being happy, Ray. Still on for this Friday?'
' Yes, you can pick up Maddie at 5. '
'k. See you then.
I don't have a right to be mad at you for being happy. Did he really just say that? Am I happy? Rayna was not certain at all. She hadn't planned on Luke's proposal, and she wasn't sure she was ready for this level of commitment. She knew she loved Luke, but marriage was a whole other deal. Even worse, Rayna was surprised and even disappointed with Deacon's reaction and that scared her moe. She expected him to be upset, to try to talk her out of it. She was starting to wonder if this was a big mistake.
Someone knocks on the door and Rayna answers:
'Teddy what's up?'
Slamming the door behind him, Teddy, was visibly angry.
'Are you serious, Rayna? Have you and Luke thought this out? I bet he hasn't even thought about how this is going to affect our daughters. Asking you in front of a live crowd. Seriously? Could it be more traumatic for them?'
'What about you and Peggy, what about that?'
'That was before Deacon and Maddie, Even before Lamar's death. Rayna, come on. And I didn't announce it in public before talking to the girls.'
'Luke has kids of his own, he understands what's involved. '
'Oh, you mean the boy who leaked Maddie's video? You barely even know his kids or what kind of father Luke is. I don't like this at all. '
Rayna was shaken. She knew Teddy's reaction had some merit, but she didn't want to show any vulnerability right now, not before figuring out exactly what she wanted.
'Well, I'm going to talk to the girls this afternoon. I'll call you after.'
'All right, i'll wait to hear from you later.' (and Teddy leaves).
It was Deacon's night to share at his meeting. He'd made so much headway over the past year- recovering from the accident, getting his career as a solo artist kick-started, getting over a relationship without turning to booze, and the biggest one of all, becoming a father. But it was always this way in the program, two steps forward, three steps back. Feeling like he was starting all over again, figuring out how to truly love someone, how to let go of what he couldn't control. Peeling another layer of the onion.
'It's a funny thing, 'love' and 'humility.' I keep learning more about humility every day, in fact (crowd chuckles). Just recently, I lost the love of my life, again. Yeah, you'd think i'd learned the first 2 times (more chuckles), I guess the third time's the charm. Well, this one was different, anyway. This time it was in front of about a million people or so (crowd looks up).
I'm praying, and praying because i know somethin good will come of this. I know God has a plan for me and I know i'm blessed to have family and friends who truly love me, despite myself, and most important, whom I truly love.
I guess that's what i'm really exploring. What is love, really, if I can't be happy for someone else's happiness? And how do I love myself? Ooh, I've never been good at that part. But that's where i'm tryin to go and I'm gonna get there.
But I have to be honest-y'all know we can't make this if we're not honest- it still hurts like hell. A big part of me just wants to make it feel better. That's what we drunks are good at right, making it feel better? But i've been doin that for years & it just always lands me in this same mess. So I guess i'm gonna have to do somethin different this time. I'm gonna actually walk through this pain to the other side. I'm gonna let go and trust that God's gonna take me on the right path. Yeah, that's the hardest part. This is a hard one. (sigh) I'm so grateful to have the support of these rooms to help me get there. Thank you.'
It was time for Deacon to pick up Maddie. He wasn't looking forward to seeing Rayna but knew he had to get this over with. In time, they'd learn how to relate in a different way, but it would take time.
'Hey.'
'Hey. Maddie will be down in a minute. Can we talk?'
'Sure.' Here we go Deacon thought. I really don't want to get into this now.
'Teddy is coming down hard on Luke and me about this public engagement, do you think he's right?'
'I don't really think it's my business, Ray. I mean i think it's a bit hard on the girls, but they're strong and know they're loved.'
'Okay, that gives me some perspective, I suppose. Hey, I've been meaning to thank you for backing up my big move against Edge Hill, too. My single is doing great.'
'I do want to talk to you about that, Ray.'
'You don't think I did the right thing?'
'No, I think you did great. That's not it. I want to support your decision to Marry Luke, but I think that means we need to keep our relationship strictly to Maddie, you know what I mean?'
Rayna was both relieved and shocked. She'd wondered why Deacon had been so unemotional about the engagement, but now she could see the sadness in his eyes. At the same time, she wasn't sure what to make of this. Sitting down on the far side of the couch, Rayna took a deep breath and shrugged:
'I guess you're right. Not gonna be easy though, huh? Have I ever told you, you were a great band leader for me, Deacon and you've been a tremendous friend -I'm grateful for that. What I said at your birthday party last year was true- there would be no Rayna James without Deacon Claybourne, and I won't forget that. Ever. You need to know that... and if I recall (Rayna chuckles) we had a lot of fun, too. '
'Yes, we did-wasn't all tears and heartbreak, was it?! Sometime down the road we will probably look back on it all with a smile and a laugh. Wouldn't that be a great thing for a change?' They smiled at each other warmly, with tears welling up in their eyes.
Their relationship sure wasn't all tears and heartbreak. Back in the day Rayna and Deacon didn't just tear up the stage, but everything else too. Their passion for each other and for music was palpable. Even as just friends during Rayna's 13 years marriage with Teddy, they'd had a bond and an intimacy that even many married couples could only hope for.
But suddenly, for the first time, Rayna was beginning to realize her relationship with Deacon was going to have to change. Deacon was right. If her marriage with Luke was going to succeed, somehow she was going to need to stop confiding so much in Deacon. If she were being honest, wasn't this the real reason her relationship with Teddy didn't work? She always had Deacon. Lord, so this is what it really means to grow up, Rayna thought.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Rayna felt Deacon's hand behind her head as he gently wiped the tears from her face with his fingers.
'Common now, Ray. We knew this day might come. It wasn't what I was hoping for, it wasn't what I would've chosen, but you have made this decision and I...we' need to respect that. We need to be adults about this. It's not just about us anymore, it's about Maddie, Daphne,...'
Rayna looked down and paused for a moment. So many emotions that had been burried for so long were rushing forward in her mind like rapids of water. It was time.
'Ray, what is it?'
Taking Deacon's hand into hers:
'It's my turn, Deacon. You're not the only one who's had some growin' up to do. That afternoon at the Fort Campbell concert when you told me you were grateful that i'd taken such good care of Maddie, well, it lifted a burden so big on my shoulders you'll never know. It was like I could breath again. I'm so grateful for that. Now I need to tell you something. '
Rayna, barely able to keep herself from sobbing, continued:
' I am truly sorry for not telling you myself about Maddie. It was wrong, so wrong, that you didn't hear that from me. It was wrong that I didn't tell you before that night when I came to your house last year. I did protect Maddie for years, and I don't blame myself now for that, thank God, but I was wrong not to tell you myself and to get close to you again without telling you. I wasn't fair to you. I'd said I wanted to do right by you, but that was wrong. And I'm so, so very sorry for that. I can't help but think if i'd told you myself, maybe we'd be in a different place right now.'
Deacon, shaking his head slightly and biting his lip moved closer to Rayna and put his hands on her harms :
'Ray, Ray, look at me. Thank you for that but I want you to listen to me now. I truly believe this, I couldn't see it before. I truly think God has a plan for us. For some reason, it was meant to be this way. Sometimes we have to fall hard before we can pick ourselves back up. I'm so grateful to God that you lived and that I now know that i'll never hurt someone like that again. I know God has a plan for me, that I need to be strong for my family and for myself. I didn't know that before. I have more to live for now than I ever have before and I'm so grateful for that.'
Smiling through her tears, Rayna looked up at Deacon. It took every fiber of strength for Deacon not to lean in, take her in his arms and kiss her passionately. But instead, he put his arms around her and they shared a warm, long embrace. They could hear footsteps rumbling upstairs. Maddie would be down any minute.
'Okay, now, we best get ourselves together here before Maddie comes down,' Deacon added. They both chuckled a bit and started to let each other go, wiping away their tears. They stood up, clasped hands for a short moment, and looked at other with a calmness and contentment they'd never experienced before,
Maddie came down the stairs.
'Hey, Dad! You ready? '
'Uh, yep. '
'Ok , could you please get me out of here? '
'Oh boy, all right, i'll bring her back Sunday afternoon- by five right?'
'Five is fine. Rayna leaned over and whispered 'Unless you wanna keep her for the entire next year?'
Deacon smiled and followed Maddie out to his truck.
