Writer's Note: Written with the aid of the incomparable Jedi-And, Bobcat, and Prisionero: without them, this story would not have been possible…
It also probably would have been a lot shorter. I'm sorry. Originally this was going to be all in one part. I have instead broken it down until 12. The whole thing is written, so expect rapid updates. Let's begin.
Christmas music played, as snow fell down upon Jump City, the flakes swirling through the air…
And falling past Gauntlet, who was holding up the Weather Wizard wand and peering to the side, where a cross-looking Noel was standing.
"Now…what did I say about disrupting natural weather patterns for the sake of an opening?" Noel asked.
"Um well…I think it went…" Gauntlet said, and then twitched the wand. A lightning bolt suddenly zapped down and struck Noel.
"YOW!"
"Whoowhoowhoopwhoopwhoop!" Gauntlet cackled like Dr. Zoidberg as he ran away, a soot-covered Noel giving chase as the credits appeared over them.
ADESTE FIDELES
Another Titans Christmas Carol
Twas three weeks before Christmas, yeah that's not how it goes,
But in today's shopping days, we have to stay on our toes…
In a corner of Jump City, away from Gauntlet's madness, somewhere deep in the aftermath circles of hell, or as most call it, the shopping mall…
While not at the level of a mad rush yet, the stores were still packed. We pan through the crowd…and come to a pair standing in a booth and selling ice cream, as it was Florida and hence ninety degrees.
"Christmas ice cream!"
"Sold only time this year!"
"Please ignore that its just vanilla with dabs of red and green food coloring!"
WHACK!
"Ow! What, that's what it is!"
"We don't need it to be pointed out! And will you stop eating our own product!"
"What? I'm creating scarcity: drives the prices up!"
"Uhhhhhhgh…"
These two are unlikely candidates for the spirits of Christmas, but then again I believe that their roles were more as facilitators than anything else. Let us approach the two, as they try and sell their ice cream, or rather, while one eats the ice cream while the other makes this up as we go along, yes that's right, it's the narrators of this little fic: A short elf like woman who wore all pink, from a pink witch hat, to matching robes to pink gloves and a scarf. You'd think this is strange clothing considering the situation, but you're not the one in the mall with the malfunctioning air conditioning that makes certain areas feel like Siberian prison camps. Her tall male companion wore a white collarless suit with a black matching shirt, black smart trousers, thick gloves and a huge black and red large collared cloak, which had been holding the ice cream cone as the wearer finished it, as which point it reached out to another cart and promptly stole a hotdog for its master. He began to gnaw on it, as the elf noticed the audience.
"Hello! Welcome to this year's Christmas story." The elf said.
"Heya." Said the man.
"I am here to lead you through the events." The elf said.
"And I am here for the food." The man added, and continued eating the hot dog.
"My name is Charles Dickens!" The short woman announced herself, taking off her pink witch hat and offering a small bow.
"And my name is Jedi-and...Wait, wait, wait... You're not Charles Dickens." Her tall partner said, interrupted in the middle of his salute as he looked at his partner.
"What, of course I am!" She retorted.
"A short, female elf, pink hat wearing Charles Dickens?" Jedi-and said, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes!"
"Last time I checked, Charles Dickens was a 19th century novelist. A GENIUS."
"Oh you're too kind." The elf grumped. "I'll prove it! What's the title of the story?" She said as stood up on a bench to try and get more of an eyeline with her large friend, and still not managing it.
"Adestes Fidles!"
Silence.
"Andddddd…What is Adestes Fidles?" 'Charlie' asked, as if she'd just asked a stupid question.
"The title of this story! Since you can't seem to get by that, allow me to take over the narration. The Dashing Jedi-and said as he faced the readers. "'The Marleys' were dead, to begin with...'"
A heavy wood log came down upon the white suited man.
"Wrong Christmas Carol." The elf said. The man looked annoyed, as his cloak grabbed the log and hurled it off screen, with the sound of a crash and a female "OW!"
"Alright, alright... Ahem... The Lord of the Night was dead to begin with." He started again.
"What does he have to do with anything?"
"Just setting the time of the piece. Don't want people to think that things are weird because they thought they were in another part of the timeline. Besides, now it seems kinda creepy and mysterious." The fledgling author said as he tried to justify his second attempt at an opening line, but unfortunately it was as weak of an excuse as you could expect. Could the Lord actually die? Did any comic villain ever actually die? Who knows? In all fairness did anyone care at this time of year? It was a time for celebrating. He'd only get a lump of coal anyway!
"I already did creepy and mysterious with Nutcracker Suite." The elf said.
"Then how are you Charles Dickens? The Nutcracker Suite was written by E.T.A Hoffmann!" Jedi-And retorted, catching her in a small lie. The elf got flustered, pointing every which way to try and explain herself, though the only thing it managed to accomplish was it gave the cloak wearing man a headache.
"All right, fine! I'll be Charlie, YOU be Dickens! And Hoffmann wrote The Nutcracker and the Mouse King, it was changed to the Nutcracker Suite when the story was set to music by Tchaikovsky!"
"Alright, alright, where was I?"
Unfortunately, but to the dear delight of our readers, at this point the Titans showed up. Well, almost all the Titans. There was one missing: Noel Collins, Savior, the white Titan, the man who was second only to the Batman for being a manipulative, boorish, contingency planning bastard.
And I meant all of that in the nicest way possible.
"I still want to know where that came from." Beast Boy said, helping Terra, who was holding a bloody cloth to her face to try and stop the bleeding from the nose.
"I wish I knew, Friend Gar." Starfire said as she followed him, the rest of the Teen Titans following her. The Titans, of course, being the protectors of this fair city, the ones who stood up against all the odds, against all the nut cases and fruit and nut bars…
"Enough metaphors linking insanity with food, get on with it!" Charlie snapped.
Yes, yes, the bad guys that came to Jump City to try and take over/destroy/own and destroy and/or loot it. They had stood up against psycho Australians, masochistic Blacktrinians, self-centered humans, super mercenaries, Lords, ladies, monsters, gods and more.
And yet they still had no idea how Terra had been beaned with a heavy wooden log that had come out of thin air.
"Oh great, we've missed the intro of the main characters." Dickens complained, almost ripping out his hair at the realization that he was late for something.
"Let me handle this then. And let's get out of here before you injure the characters any more." Charlie said, dragging Dickens off the screen. "This year the Titans had decided to do their shopping early..."
And with that we followed the Titans, leaving Charlie and Dickens behind, as they prepared for their grave mission. After the utter fiasco that was last year, the Titans had decided to actually do some planning and get their shopping done while it was merely like a race and not a feeding frenzy akin to sharks reacting to fresh chum dumped in the water.
Though they still had a few problems, and of course they all stood out like a sore thumb on a porcelain hand. After Terra's nose had the unfortunate meeting with the tossed log, Starfire was now out in front, leading her squad to what was hopefully to be the last mission of the year, followed by Robin, who had presents and bags in one huge bag tied to the end of his bo as if he was running away from home. Beast Boy and Terra brought up the rear, as Terra continued to dab at her nose.
"Ah yes, this earlier period, random assaults by wood aside, is so much more imperturbable." Starfire said. "And once we are done shopping, I will have more time to look for Santa!"
The Titans with Starfire looked at each other, with expressions that said "Oh great, this again".
"Um…where else do you have to look, Star?" Terra asked.
"Oh, I have been studying holiday legends since October! I have many new places!" Starfire said, her eyes sparkling.
"Oh great, you just encouraged her!" Robin hissed to his companions through his teeth, as Starfire floated on ahead.
"Dude, you've been dating her for years! If anyone should have told her the truth by now, you should have!" Beast Boy replied.
"Can we not argue? That nice toy store manager might put the toys he set aside for us back on the shelves if we're not prompt, and heavens know we shouldn't let Robin's bribes go unjustified." Starfire said.
"I'm telling you guys, I did not bribe anyone, there was a computer error in the records…"
While Starfire's end of the mall was peaceful, the other end was anything but. Last year, a game had been the hotly desired toy. This year it was a system, the Gamestation 470…
Great parody name there Charlie. Spend all night thinking that up?
Quiet you!
…which was the hotly desired item. And as usual, a store had gotten some in when the Titans had come to do their shopping and had badly underestimated how much people wanted one, as a fighting group lost control of the box as it hit the floor and slid across it…
And came to rest at some clawed feet.
Nigel picked up the box from the floor, just like it had happened with Noel last year, and just like Noel he managed a few seconds to study it, though unlike Noel he could hear the heavy footed father.
So he simply ducked when the man, who happened to be the same one as last year, took a swing at him. The man's momentum spun him around, allowing Nigel, who was still trying to read the box, to snap out a hand and push him via his back, forcing him up against the wall. All the squabbling parents slowly slipped into silence as Nigel effortlessly held the large, struggling man against the wall like he was a child, all while looking like he couldn't care less.
"Hey Sophie? Read this please, I can't read it." He held the box out to her, his other hand poking into the brash father's back to make sure he didn't move, and with his original hand still on the product, the other parents still didn't try to take it from him.
"The optician told you to wear your reading glasses more often…" Sophie said, and to add to the words she wagged her finger at the young alien, whose shoulders slumped a little.
"Ophthalmologists are not high on my respect list." He spoke plainly, almost in a flat tone. "Is that what he wanted?" The young mortician leaned in a little more, taking a closer look to make sure.
"…No, I think Gar got him one of these already. Ordered it back in July, on Savior's advice. He's looking for computer parts and software." Sophie said as she pulled back, brushing down her jacket with her gloved hand.
"Ah nuts. Oh well, guess we have to keep looking. Shop keep! We need some directions!" He shouted over to the counter, in the hopes of scaring up some service who wasn't hiding from the mob. "Now about this..." He commented, and for a small amount of time he let go of the man he was holding, to spin the box around in his hands.
"Seeing how we're not sure who claimed this...we need a way to decide who gets it, peacefully…" Sophie said to the crowd, as Nigel looked at her.
Unfortunately, this left him open for the father he had been holding to try and make another grab for it. Unlike Savior, Scalpel didn't have the reputation of being a hard-ass who would stomp you into dust if you looked at him wrong, though one wouldn't say Nigel was respected: even those who knew him best thought he looked just a bit like a monster, and hence it was more fear then respect that gave him such a position in the social standing order. And not enough fear for some, as the man was actually thinking of trying to grab the box again.
Bad choice. Savior would chew him out verbally. Scalpel wouldn't.
Nigel managed to push him off it again with his
shoulder, though the man shot forward again with a fist, which hit
Nigel in the face, square on Nigel's larger than average, strong
aquiline nose.
Which gave off two cracks, one was the nose, and
the other was the man's hand. Serves him for trying to punch out a
Blacktrinian really.
The man recoiled, yelling and holding his hand, while Nigel stood there, completely no-selling the punch.
"And sir, if your child so desperately wants this piece of electronics that you'll go to such lengths to get it, I really suggest you shut off his games and TELL HIM TO GO OUTSIDE." Nigel said, and then turned to Sophie and pointed to his nose. She tutted lightly and took it in one hand, and with a quick gesture snapped it back so it was in the correct alignment. She then stood up on tiptoes and gave him a peck on it to 'kiss it better'. The two offered a smile and turned back to the man, who was looking at the two with some fear.
"Ok…" Nigel said. "How would you settle this Sophie?"
People began yelling suggestions and demands.
"SHUT UP!" Nigel bellowed, and the crowd went quiet.
"Um…a lottery of some kind?" Sophie suggested.
"…Fine. Ok people! I am thinking of a number between 1 and 200! Whoever yells it out, gets it! I have good ears, so no cheating! And if anyone even looks like they're going to start fighting over it again I'll drop it on the ground and crush it underfoot! Go!"
People began yelling numbers, as Nigel tried to listen for his picked number (which was 121).
And then the whole thing was taken out of his hands, quite literally.
"HEY FREAK!" A nasty voice yelled over the din of the parents, and Nigel, quite expectedly, turned to see the source of the yell.
Just in time to catch a powerful stream of liquid in his face, the fluid spraying in his eyes and having the immediate effect of making them start to burn, his sight blurring away as Nigel stumbled back and yelled, grabbing at his face.
As the figure dashed past him, a lean form dressed completely in black, a modified motorcycle helmet over his face, mirrored visor down to hide his identity, a pair of high-tech rollerblades on his feet that made him go so fast it was amazing he didn't crash into anything, as the rollerblader zipped past the injured Nigel and grabbed the box with the Gamestation 470 out of his claws, and though Nigel didn't just need his eyes to fight his attempted lunge to counter-attack completely missed as the thief zipped past Nigel, dashing off, as Nigel tried to blink the chemical, a nastier form of mace, out of his eyes as he whirled, reaching for his glaive…
And the rollerblader screeched to a stop as he turned around, grabbing for something at his belt and hurling it into the crowd of parents. It exploded into a thick, white fog, and the parents immediately began to cough and convulse, including Sophie. It was some kind of tear gas, an extremely unpleasant kind, and the sight of Sophie retching as her eyes and nose watered completely distracted Nigel from his task, and as he turned to help her the thief, having slipped the game system into a backpack, whirled around and took off.
Raven, a few stores away while she looked at jewelry for Starfire's gift, felt rather then heard the cries and screams, as the sudden influx of pain and discomfort slapped against her empathic mind and nearly made her drop the necklace she was looking at as she pressed her hand to her head
"Miss, are you all right?" The clerk asked, surprised.
"Uhhhhhhh…what was…" Raven said, and then her communicator activated.
"Raven! It's Scalpel! There's some guy, he grabbed something I had…he just tossed a gas grenade into a crowd of people in order to get away! You'd better find him before he runs into more people: I don't want to know what will happen if he crosses paths with a crowd that could slow him down!"
"What? Damn. Which way did he go?"
"Uh…somewhere else!" Scalpel said, as he looked around…even as Cyborg ran up to him, having heard the noise himself. Scalpel looked at the black teenager, starting to explain again.
"I heard! He went that way! HEY GAUNTLET!" Cyborg yelled up to the upper levels, as the artifact-possessing teen looked down. "Bad guy on rollerblades! Go!"
"Here I come to save the day!" Gauntlet declared, as he leapt off the second floor, swinging down via his yellow energy construct and giving chase, while Cyborg tried to help the people and Raven tried to locate the thief.
Said thief was currently blazing through the mall on his rollerblades, not caring who he ran into or knocked over, yelling and tossing off insults to anyone who got in his way. Gauntlet spied him, but the rollerblader could put more distance between them then Gauntlet could close, mostly because Gauntlet was careful not to swing into people.
Nearby, Robin's group walked on. At least until Robin's communicator went off.
"Hey Leader Boy!" It crackled, as Robin blinked and set down his staff as everyone with him looked at him. "We got us a nasty robber on rollerblades, heading your way! Aggressive little bastard, be careful!"
"Robber on rollerblades?" Robin repeated.
And then said thief blitzed past the Titans.
"Hey, there's a guy on rollerblades!" Terra said.
"No stuffing Sherlock!" Robin replied as he snapped out a Birdarang and sent it flying after the thief. But the thief dodged it like he had eyes on the back of his head, and Robin growled as he pulled his bo staff free from the bundle. "TITANS, GO!"
Starfire took to the air, as Beast Boy became a cheetah and gave chase, as Terra started to call rocks to her…and realized she was right in the middle of a crowded shopping mall. She couldn't use her talent without wrecking the place.
"Um…I'll just wait here and watch the stuff!" Terra called after them. Robin gave her a thumbs up as he sprinted after the thief, but his rollerblades moved him far faster then Robin could run.
The reason Terra couldn't join in the chase was the same reason Starfire couldn't use Starbolts, but she could still fly, and she, unlike Robin, was catching up to the thief…
At least until he whirled and hurled something at her. A second later there was a gigantic explosion of sound accompanied by a mammoth, blinding surge of light, which Robin's mask filters barely lessened as he stopped, blinded. A flashbang grenade? Where the hell did he get that?
Starfire was down, temporarily sightless and deafened by the blast, but Beast Boy was still coming, following his nose, as he lunged at the thief…
And got a spray of mace right in the face, causing him to pull up and fall to the ground, whimpering as he clutched at his features.
"Punks." The thief sneered. Robin grit his teeth in anger…
And then Gauntlet swung in from behind him.
"Heya boss!" Gauntlet tossed over his shoulder as he swung on and leapt at the robber…who had seen Gauntlet coming and was reaching for his belt.
"No wait Gauntlet he's got…!" Robin tried to yell.
Another flashbang, which went off in Gauntlet's face, and since he hadn't had time to form any kind of shades or ear protection, Gauntlet hit the ground next to his two companions.
"Later, losers!" The robber taunted, as he spun and took off again. Robin, furious, gave chase, as the robber leapt up and grinded down an escalator, heading for a nearby door.
Until Robin leapt, shot out his grappling hook, and ran up a wall and leapt, doing a long twirl around the room so he landed between the doors and the thief, making him stop short.
"End of the line." Robin said, snapping out his staff.
The thief sneered at him again.
"Oh yeah?"
The thief dodged Robin's leaping lunge, rolling backwards on his rollerblades, even as he grabbed two more objects from his belt, and much to Robin's horror, hurled them into nearby crowds of people. They exploded, enveloping the people in choking, noxious gas.
"Go save them, bitch. It's what you do." The thief taunted, and hurled one last gas grenade. Robin snarled, but he went after it, leaping up and knocking it away with his staff, sending it flying into a fountain where it exploded harmlessly underwater, and by that time the thief had skated around him and was skating backwards, heading for the doors, and then Raven was appearing near him from a shadow warp but he couldn't send her after him she had to help the people and the robber was giving him the finger as he skated out.
"I win this race, bitch!" He yelled, and turned around.
And skated right into the outstretched arm of Savior, hitting it so hard he flew off his feet and did a complete 270 onto his face, violently crashing into the ground.
"It's not how fast you go in the race, asshole." Savior growled. "It's if you cross the finish line."
And as the robber was getting up, Savior stomped on his head.
"Everyone all right?" Cyborg asked several minutes later.
"A lot of irritated eyes and some upset stomachs, but besides that, nothing." Raven said, as she finished fixing up Starfire in case her eyes were damaged.
"Who was he?" Beast Boy asked.
"No idea." Robin said, looking down on the face of the man, or boy rather, about seventeen years old, which had been under the motorcycle helmet. "Just some punk who wanted to take instead of give."
"Some punk who was quite willing to hurt innocent people to get away. Not to mention some punk who happens to have mechanized rollerblades, tear gas and flashbang grenades, a mace 'water gun' and a computerized motorcycle helmet." Savior said, bitterness in his tone. "This gear must cost thousands, this system, a few hundred a most. What a season. Merry Christmas."
"Oh come on now Savior, don't get like this again…" Terra began.
"Get like? Terra, this is who I am." Savior said, as he spun on his heel. "You guys can handle the rest. I'll be in the car."
The Titans watched Savior go for a moment, as the white teen passed by Scalpel, who was helping Sophie a bit as he walked to join the Titans.
"The punk who gassed your girl is over there." Savior tossed over his shoulder to the alien.
Anyone who saw Nigel's face then would get a whole new meaning to the words 'holiday cheer'.
"In other local news, a man was found at the top of the giant Christmas tree in Jump City Square, tried up in fairy lights with signs on him saying 'Do not open till X-Mas' and 'Don't take out for Christmas shopping'." The newswoman said on the TV. "The man, who earlier that day attempted to rob Jump City's main mall, claimed that the Titan Scalpel had put him up there, however when questioned, Scalpel just shrugged and said he was busy with shopping and left."
