Author's note: This cracky flashfic was the product of a fun 10-minute game played with some friends. Everyone started writing a story in their fandom of choice, the game's organiser read out a new prompt every few minutes, and we had to incorporate each prompt into our story.
In order, the prompts were:
– something about candlelight
– time travel is possible
– cherry muffin
– inappropriate headgear
– "infinite diversity in infinite combinations"
– smoke and mirrors
This is the polished version of my original hand-scrawled fic. No spoilers, no content warnings, and no apologies for the crack!
Dean and Sam were crouched on the ground, Sam's broad back shielding the candle flame against the cold wind that whipped across the isolated graveyard.
Dean was, unsurprisingly, complaining.
"Do we have to perform the banishing ritual out here?" he asked peevishly, rubbing his hands together to keep warm.
Sam's patience was, unsurprisingly, fraying.
"Like I already told you...if we do this inside, the time-travelling LOLcats will be able to latch onto any wireless signal in range and escape back onto the Internet! There's no point in cleansing teh intarwebs of this menace if they can immediately re-infect all the tubes".
Dean stared at him, then began to laugh.
Sam snapped, "What?", more than slightly peevish himself.
"You said 'teh intarwebs'. I think you might be infected with LOLspeak yourself!"
"No wai!" – Sam caught himself, grimaced, then repeated, "No way, dude, you heard wrong. Let's get this over with, OK?"
"Sure thing...I'm starved, anyway. There's a cherry muffin back at the motel with my name on it".
"Tell me you didn't actually write your name on it, Dean. God, you're so childish!"
Dean didn't deign to reply. He just shoved his pretty floral bonnet further down to protect his ears against the cold. If Sam's voice was muffled as a consequence, well, that was just a bonus.
"OK, let's banish these evil LOLcat sons of bitches", Dean said.
Sam turned on his flashlight, checked the print-out one last time, then began to recite the summoning spell. It wasn't the Latin droning their rituals usually required. Instead, it was a bizarre mix of LOLspeak, physics formulas, and quotations from spam emails. Dean caught phrases like 'all ur base r belong 2 us', 'infinite diversity in infinite combinations' and 'im in ur intarwebs, gaining ur trust...mwahaha!'
Thick blue smoke began to pour from the candle, and Dean heard the sound of whispering all around them. The LOLcats were converging on them, ready to fight with the myriad of invisible weapons and cheezburgers at their disposal. Sam nodded to Dean, and Dean pulled out the pocket mirror he'd brought along – to confuse the LOLcats by showing them their reflections – plus a couple of secret weapons.
The murmurs grew louder as the LOLcats approached from every direction. Dean heard each one chanting the mantra associated with the cult that worshipped it: 'longcat is looooong', etc.
At Sam's signal, they both leapt to their feet, flashed their mirrors at the cats, and yelled in unison, "DO NOT WANT!11!" Then they employed their secret weapons: lighters and aerosol cans of body spray. Standing back to back, Sam and Dean aimed the impromptu flamethrowers at the LOLcats surrounding them, chanting "OMGWTFBBQ!"
The LOLcats yowled horribly, and vanished. The graveyard was silent once more.
...And that was how the Winchester brothers saved the world from the LOLcat menace. It said a lot about their lives that it wasn't even the strangest case they'd dealt with that month.
