Author's Note: This story takes place between 3.06 and 3.07
Part 1
The day began with Erlich glaring deliriously at the toaster, and Richard watching Erlich glaring deliriously at the toaster. Richard guessed his friend wasn't in a very good place at the moment, what with Bachmanity being a massive failure. When the toast finally popped up, Erlich plucked it out, eying the blackened bread with distaste, then flung it over his shoulder into the trash.
Richard looked between him and the can. "Why?"
Erlich stared pensively into space. "It's just occurred to me how many crumbs are produced by toasted foods. All of those…tiny, wasted particles falling to the privileged floors of our privileged homes where we live our privileged lives. So much food wasted, simply because we will not stand for limp bread. All of those people starving in Africa and…et cetera."
Richard squinted at him. "Are you really stoned right now?"
Erlich let out a small chuckle. "It's seven AM, Richard! I'm only a little bit baked…"
"Good morning, guys." Gilfoyle sauntered into the kitchen. "How are we doing today?" As soon as he saw Erlich's mouth opening, he kept on talking: "I'm doing well. And I'll be doing even better if I don't have to hear about Erlich's bullshit problems."
"Well, Gilfoyle," Erlich began haughtily, "my problems are hardly—"
"Do you honestly think I care that you fucked yourself over? For the billionth time?" Gilfoyle narrowed his eyes. "Have we met? Hey, I'm Gilfoyle." He held out his hand.
Erlich harrumphed and crossed his arms. "Where is Dinesh? Shouldn't you be busting his balls as per usual, my friend?"
Gilfoyle shrugged. "I gotta mix it up every now and then. Gets boring otherwise."
Richard glanced at the door to the garage. "Weren't you supposed to be doing server maintenance this morning?" he asked Gilfoyle.
Gilfoyle turned to him. "Yeah. That's what I would be doing right fucking now, if Jared wasn't still banging away in there. That's the second one he's caught in the last few days."
Richard stared at the floor. "That's still happening?" he mumbled.
"Maybe not right at this moment. But I'm sure as fuck not going in there until someone comes out."
Erlich chuckled and shook his head in amusement. "I for one am very happy for our good friend. I won't say that this was all my doing, but I do have a very…inspiring erotic energy. Though, to address the proverbial elephant in the room, it is indeed odd to think of our Jared as a sexual creature. I mean, to imagine—"
"Yeah, let me stop you right there," Gilfoyle interrupted. "This whole situation has planted some unwanted images in all our heads. We don't need to talk about it."
Richard sighed in relief. "Yes, thank you, Gilfoyle."
Erlich looked to his exasperated and red-faced friend. "Richard, you've been awfully quiet. What are your thoughts on this matter?"
"I don't have any thoughts," Richard snapped. "None. None at all. I don't care what Jared does. It's not my business or your business or anyone else's business and there's nothing weird about what he's doing but talking about it is making it weird so let's just stop talking about it."
"I'm bored with this conversation," Gilfoyle announced. "I'm going back to work." Then he promptly left.
Erlich scoffed. "Ahh, who needs him. Now, to get back on topic…"
"I-I gotta go do work, too." Richard tried to escape, but Erlich grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.
"Don't be rude, Richard," Erlich chided him gently. "I think you need to work on those social skills, friend. You people need a lot of help with that, correct?"
"Excuse me?" Richard muttered.
"Now, I must say," Erlich went on, "it's very nice having someone in this house who's getting some action." He cleared his throat. "I-I mean besides myself, of course."
Richard rolled his eyes.
Erlich sighed contently. "I guess Jared and I are fuck-buddies now, wouldn't you say?"
Richard barely managed to suppress a chuckle. "I wouldn't, no."
Erlich patted Richard's shoulder and gazed sympathetically at him. "What about you, Richard? How's your woman situation?"
Richard hesitated. "Well—"
"Not good, I know," Erlich shouted over him. "You broke up with what's-her-face."
"Yeah, Winnie."
"Right, Weenie," Erlich went on distractedly. "To be honest, Richard, I don't see the quintessential rom-com ending in your future. Not that I have one myself, but that's only because my happy ending is much classier, a la Richard Linklater's The Before Trilogy. Off topic, but I highly recommend those films."
Richard shifted impatiently. "Is this going somewhere, or are you just trying to make me feel bad?"
"I'm not trying to make you feel badly," Erlich promised. "I'm simply saying that if you want to get the girl, you must take a different path. 'A road less traveled,' as Robert Frost wrote about in his famous poem."
"Actually, that poem isn't about the 'road less traveled,' but that's a really common misconception. The poem is actually titled The Road Not Taken, and it's-it's about regrets people have about the paths in life they didn't take, and wondering—"
Erlich put his hand up to silence him. "Richard, that's quite enough. But let's make this a teachable moment." He nodded thoughtfully as he laced his fingers together. "Everything you said? Everything that happened just now? It's things like this, and I'm putting this as delicately as is possible, that are making you so undesirable to women and making dating so difficult for you."
Richard scowled. "Oh, blow me."
"That sort of attitude certainly does not help, either."
Richard had a lot more he wanted to say, but both he and Erlich were distracted by some mysterious man, who was stepping cautiously into the kitchen. He was fairly classically handsome, with short, fluffy brown hair and big glistening eyes, and just a hint of a beard. He didn't seem at all pleased by Erlich and Richard's presence.
"Umm, hello," the stranger said as he walked slowly to the fridge. "Didn't know there'd be people in here," he muttered.
Erlich looked him up and down. "Excuse me, kind sir, but who the fuck are you?"
The guy took a Gatorade from the fridge and twisted it open. He turned slowly around and flashed a crooked half-smile. "Uhh, I'm Emmett. What's your name?" he asked, his tone prickly.
"Erlich Bachman," he told him. He glared at Emmett as he began to drink the Gatorade. "I'm sorry, Emmett, but what gives you the right to just waltz on in here and drink my drinks?"
Emmett suddenly seemed rattled as his eyes darted around. "Well, umm, Jared said it would be okay, so…"
Erlich's eye twitched indignantly as he processed the information. "It doesn't matter what one of my tenants says. If you'd like a drink, I must grant you permission to drink it."
Emmett snorted. "Okay then, can I please have this drink?"
Erlich dipped his head politely. "You may. After all, you've already put your stranger mouth-germs on it, no offense."
"Cool," Emmett muttered. "Thanks." The three of them just stood there in awkward silence for far too long. Emmett and Erlich nodded and looked at each other while Richard studied the floor. Finally, Emmett said quickly, "Well, I'm gonna go now before it gets any more awkward."
"Very well, then," Erlich responded. "Enjoy your replenished electrolytes, Emmett."
Emmett just sighed then promptly left the kitchen. As he crossed the computer room, he immediately caught the attention of Dinesh, who was so intrigued he quickly forgot about his important work. He watched with wide eyes as Emmett paused briefly beside Jared, then squeezed his shoulder. Jared just smiled faintly and kept his eyes on his monitor. Dinesh could barely contain himself as he waited for Emmett to leave. As soon as he was out the door, Dinesh rolled over to Jared, nearly tumbling out of his chair in the process.
"Jared!" Dinesh hissed. "Did you fuck that Abercrombie and Fitch dude?"
Jared frowned at him. "I really wish you wouldn't use that word. That word—well, to me, anyway—implies a very aggressive, unpleasant interaction."
Dinesh sighed impatiently. "Did you have sexual relations with that GQ guy?"
"Well…yes…"
Dinesh snapped his fingers. "Ha! Yes! I knew it!" He turned to Gilfoyle, who was focused on his work and obviously disinterested in the conversation. "I knew it!" he told him.
"Congratulations," Gilfoyle drawled. "You're a true detective."
Jared shifted. "I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable…"
Dinesh spun around in his chair. "Uncomfortable?" he scoffed. "I am fucking amazed right now."
"Yes," Gilfoyle mumbled his agreement. "The best of both worlds."
Dinesh sighed. "Also I'm kind of pissed off."
Gilfoyle turned around and stared at him intently. "I'm listening."
"At this point, Jared's fucked everyone in the Valley." Dinesh gestured flippantly to him. "And I can't even get one chick."
Gilfoyle chuckled.
"You shut the fuck up." Dinesh turned back to Jared. "Please, tell me your secret, man, please, I'm begging you."
"There's no secret," Jared replied gently.
"Why do people want to fuck you?" Dinesh demanded. "What are you doing? Just tell me."
"Well, it's very simple. I just…be myself. My mother from ages fourteen to sixteen once told me: 'be yourself, because you're the only you there is.'"
"Sounds like Dinesh is doomed then," Gilfoyle concluded. "Hey, don't feel bad. You had a good run. Though it was really more like a crawl."
Dinesh shot Jared an aggressively doubtful look. "That's seriously all you do? There's no drugs involved, not even a little bit?"
Jared shrugged cheerfully. "That's really all there is to it, I promise."
"So what's your next conquest gonna look like?" Gilfoyle questioned him.
"More Gosling-Cooper love children, probably," Dinesh grumbled.
Jared looked thoughtful. "No, no," he murmured. "I'm done with all that. These more casual encounters quickly lose their luster."
Gilfoyle blinked. "Elaborate."
"Sex is nice, but, I'd rather have it with someone I love, and who loves me back. I find much more pleasure in that sort of sex, or should I say love-making."
Gilfoyle stared blankly at him. "Eww."
"Just go get a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever, then," Dinesh muttered miserably. "You could have anyone you want in five fucking seconds."
Jared wrung his hands. "Well, I-I don't know about 'anyone,' exactly. Anyway, I'm not looking to date anymore right now. My attention needs to be elsewhere. The company comes first, after all."
"Yay for you." Dinesh got up and trudged to the door. "I'm gonna go get coffee."
Gilfoyle jumped out of his chair. "I'll come with you. You seem pretty depressed."
Dinesh raised an eyebrow at him.
"Can't have you trying to jump in front of a bus. Without me there to watch, I mean."
"There it is." As Dinesh opened the door, he noticed Richard hovering between the kitchen and computer room. "Richard, you coming?"
Richard didn't look at him, or anyone, or really anything in particular. He quickly mumbled, "N-no, I'm good, thanks," then ducked back into the kitchen.
Jared stared after him. "Is Richard okay? Maybe I should go talk to him."
"Don't bother," Gilfoyle advised.
"Yeah, he's in one of his moods," Dinesh added. "I wouldn't bother him if I were you."
Jared nodded and reluctantly remained seated.
Once Dinesh and Gilfoyle were out the door, Dinesh hissed, "Was Richard just creeping there the whole time?"
Gilfoyle gave a nod.
Dinesh squinted thoughtfully. "He was acting kinda weird. What's his problem?"
Gilfoyle shrugged.
"He must be rattled," Dinesh guessed. "I mean, right? With all the sex going on?"
"That's the most virgin-ish thing you've ever said."
"I'm not a virgin. I've had sex lots of times."
"Also a very virgin-ish thing to say."
Dinesh scoffed. "Whatever. Let's just get some caffeine already."
Gilfoyle cracked a small smile. "Good. We can play the name game."
"Don't you dare," Dinesh whispered.
