Part I
The winds whipped wildly around me as I ran back home to my aunt's drabby farm home in Kansas. A storm was coming, and it was going to be a big one. I struggled to kept my small wicker basket, holding my dog, Toto, steady in the heavy gusts of the changing winds. My feet thudded hard on the gravel road as I rounded the corner towards the house.
I had ran away from it about an hour or so ago, hoping to escape its crazy walls, only to run into a strange man with some sort of strange story. He called himself Professor Marvel, but Professor Loony was more like it. He had kept me for nearly ten minutes ranting about something he had "foreseen" about my Aunt Em, claiming she was going to fall deathly ill soon from some unknown, bizarre disease. I played along with his little game in hopes it would get him away from me quicker, but all it really did was allow him to ramble on even more. Not that a believe a word of his nonsense; He was a wacky traveling salesman not some sort of talented tarot card reader.
Just thinking about it made me roll my eyes.
At last, I reached the old broken gate leading into the farm, bombarding through it quickly and flying into the tiny home that stood behind it.
"Auntie Em!" I yelled as the winds picked up and screamed over my trembling voice. "Auntie Em!"
There was no response from anywhere in the house. I frantically rushed to search all of the rooms, pushing through doors and scrambling about.
"AUNTIE EM!"
I had just threw myself into the last room I could search, my bedroom, when the realization hit me. Those idiots left me behind! There's a twister coming, quite possibly the worst Kansas has ever seen, and those FOOLS left me for dead. Some family!
I ran to the window to look outside at the changing skies. The colors were strange; a shade I have never seen before. Suddenly, the window burst open, and an object whizzed inside and flew into the side of my head. Then, everything went black.
I awoke with a stir, not sure where I exactly was at first. The house was still and quiet. I sat up and rubbed the side of my head where it was aching, hoping to shake the pounding in my ears away. I glanced around the room. Toto was sitting outside of his basket, where I must have dropped it when I was knocked unconscious. I stood carefully, trying to steady myself, and picked up the small wicker basket from where it was sprawled across the floor, placing it back on its bottom. Toto jumped back in once the red handkerchief I used to cushion it was neatly folded back inside.
Picking up the basket again, I slowly started towards the door, as though unsure of my surroundings. As though unsure of my own home. When I reached the back door, I paused before turning the knob, letting my hand rest there gently. I turned the knob gradually, and pushed it open.
Outside, was the most colorful sight I had ever laid my eyes on. Everything was radiant and glistening, everything was beautiful.
Makes me sick to stomach, really.
I stepped outside of the house and studied my unknown surroundings closer. Where the hell was I?
I shielded my eyes. Off in the distance was a tall, green castle that looked like somebody blind drew up the design plans. The roads were a nasty shade of mustard yellow. And all of the plants and flowers were strange looking as though from some sort of alien planet. I wrinkled my nose. Ugh, and it smelled of a horse's ass.
Toto whimpered inside the basket. Looks like I'm not the only one.
I turned to look up into the skyline once more. Wait, what is that? I squinted and tried to look closer. Was that a bubble? A giant, flying bubble?
The bubble was approaching me at a quicker rate now, as though it recognized that I had noticed it. Once it became close enough for me to reach my hand and and pop it, er, touch it, the bubble disappeared and an odd looking woman stood before me.
"Hello!" She bellowed warmly.
I winced slightly. Great, she was the energetic type.
I cleared my throat and managed to squeak out an "Um, hi."
"What do you call yourself?"
I blinked. Did she mean my name?
"Dorothy," I said slowly.
"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?"
I blinked again. Excuse me? Did she just call me a witch? What the hell is this bitch's problem? Who did she think she was, flying around in a giant ass powder pink bubble accusing random people of being witches?
"I'm not a witch." I said.
"Oh." She seemed confused.
"Who are you?"
"Oh, pardon me! Where are my manners? I'm Glinda, the good witch of the North."
Glinda? What kind of name was Glinda? And she was a witch now? I looked her up and down. She sure didn't look like one. Standing before me in a giant pink ballgown, she had huge golden blonde hair set in curls and topped with a large, silver crown that sparkled with diamonds. Her smile was worn like it was plastered onto her face, and she carried a crystal wand in the shape of a star.
Yeah, what a witch.
"You're a witch?" I finally inquired.
"Why, yes I am. A good witch." She corrected, smiling even bigger, which I didn't even think was possible. "Not all witches are ugly, just the bad ones."
Wow, she was conceited.
"Okay," I drew out. "So what is this place?"
"Well, you're in Oz of course!" She laughed as though I told a funny joke.
"Um, Oz?"
"Yes, Oz!"
Because that explained everything perfectly.
"Where are you from..." she paused as though trying to decide how to pronounce my name, "...Dor-o-thy?"
"Kan-sas." I replied, fighting back the mocking tone trying to creep up into my throat. We stared at each other for a while. I tightened my grip on the wicker basket.
"Kansas! What an odd name for a star."
"Excuse me? Did you just say.. A star?"
"Yes! You fell from the sky, didn't you? As though falling from a star."
I stared at her. This moron seriously thinks I fell from a fucking star? And what did she mean by fall?
I turned and looked at the house I walked out of. It was my house. But this wasn't where I lived. This definitely wasn't Kansas.
That's when I remembered the storm. Did my house get picked up in the winds and thrown here from the skies?
As if reading my thoughts, Glinda nodded. "Your house landed here, falling from the skies, on top of the Wicked Witch of the East."
"What?"
She motioned for me to follow her. She walked over to the side of the house and pointed to the bottom. Underneath it, were two feet wearing black and white striped tube socks and a pair of hideous red sparkled high heels. I cringed. Clearly this person had no fashion sense.
Glinda saw my cringing and mistook it for discomfort from the situation. She quickly tried to soothe me.
"Please don't be upset, she was an evil one." She reassured.
"Evil?" I echoed.
"Yes, very. She was cruel and unforgiving. She considered torturing a hobby and killing a leisurely activity." She laid a hand on my shoulder. I summoned all of my inner strength to not shake her off. "Oz is better off without her, I assure you."
I honestly didn't care if my house killed this person, whoever she was. It's not like I did it personally, and she clearly wouldn't be missed anyways. However, I did my best to paint on an expression of grief so I didn't seem too cold hearted.
Suddenly, I heard a faint giggling in what sounded like it was coming from the bushes behind me. I spun around.
"What was that?"
Glinda waved her hand, "No need to worry, it's just the munchkins."
Munchkins?
"It's alright," she called out, "you can come out!"
I quickly became worried as my mind flooded with different thoughts simultaneously.
Munchkins?
What does that mean?
No they most certainly cannot come out!
"Come on!" Glinda sang as she waved her hands. "It's safe now!"
Very slowly, little people emerged from the bushes surrounding us. They were the size of small children, but looked like adults. They all had faces that looked painted on and hair that either housed too much gel or looked as though they curled their hair tightly and brushed it a few times. Also, they too wore strange looking outfits. Did anyone here have any sense of style?
Once all of the "munchkins" were out of their creeping shrubberies, they all began to stare at me. Finally, one spoke up. "Did you really kill the Wicked Witch of the East?"
I cleared my throat. "Um, yes, apparently."
Was this a bad move? Are these tiny midgets her followers? Where they about to attack me and avenge their leader's untimely death?
Surprisingly, no. Surprisingly, they all unanimously burst into screaming applause. I stared around at them, confused and bewildered. One of the munchkins wearing tan knickers with a floral vest came up and hugged my leg. I politely patted his head and scooted him off, hoping they didn't have some sort of strange Oz disease they didn't have in Kansas that I wasn't immune to. Another stumbled up and gave me a wilted flower. I smiled, and mentally reminded myself to wait to it toss out when I was alone again.
A man claiming to be the mayor or the president or something of the tiny freaks stepped up and offered to build a bust of me in their hall of fame. Of course this is the day it's laundry day and I couldn't wear my best dress. I smiled slightly and smoothed out the skirt of my blue checker printed dress. Another man stepped up right after him, stating he was the coroner and "thoroughly examined her" whatever that means I don't want to know, and that she was "most certainly dead". No shit, I thought, I don't know of many people who could live through a fucking house falling on top of them. I smiled and applauded with the others.
Three boys holding giant rainbow colored lollipops approached me singing and dancing around, ending the song by handing me the giant suckers. I forced a smile and tucked the lollipops away and out of sight, with the intentions of dumping them off with the flower later on.
After what seemed like ages, Glinda finally silenced the munchkin's excitement by clapping her hands and shouting out, "Let it be known throughout the land: The Wicked Ol' Witch at last is dead!"
The crowd exploded in screams and applause. I stood, staring blankly at the sight before me. I had never seen such an uprising, especially over myself. Unless you count my Cousin Billy's 12th birthday party, but that's a different story.
The munchkins were just about to rush me and attempt to lift me high into the air, when suddenly an evil cackle followed by an explosive voice echoed out from above.
"SILENCE!"
Everyone froze. Almost all at once, the munchkins began to whimper.
"Um, who's that?" I whispered to Glinda.
"That's the Wicked Witch of the West."
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID I KILLED HER." I hissed.
"No, you killed the Wicked Witch from the east, this is the one from the west," she replied cheerfully, as though she had just told me I had won the million dollar lottery.
I stared up into the skies to see a black and green flying figure approaching us swiftly. Another flying witch? I thought, Great. I gulped.
The figure landed smoothly onto the ground about six feet in front of us. She removed the old, haggard broom she was riding out from underneath her and pointed a crooked, green finger at Glinda.
"Glinda," she bellowed. "What is all of the ruckus about?"
"Ruckus?" Glinda echoed sweetly, "What do you mean, dearest sister?"
Sister? They were sisters?
"I was sitting up in my castle tending to my beloved flying monkeys when I was disturbed by a loud uproaring here in..." She paused to shrivel up her large nose in disgust, "Munchkin City. You see the problem here, dearest sister?"
"Hmm, no, I cannot say that I do.." Glinda smiled brightly.
I must give her credit for her moxie.
"The problem, is that I could hear you all bellowing all the way in my castle in the east. There is no reason for me to hear all of you freaks over here causing chaos miles away."
"Ah." Glinda simply stated in response.
I sucked in my breath. Clearly this witch didn't know about the other's untimely death yet. And I'm guessing if Glinda is her sister...
"What the hell is this house doing here?"
….The Wicked Witch of the East is, too.
"Well.." Glinda began.
"Are those FEET?"
Shit.
The Wicked Witch of the West stumbled up to the house and stared down at the ugly pair of striped tube socks that lied before her. She stared, long and hard, without saying a word for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, she spun around.
"WHO KILLED MY SISTER? WHO killed the Wicked Witch of the East?" She bellowed. She spun around and almost ran into me, her face crinkling up in shock, as though it was the first time she had noticed my presence. She quickly recovered and became angry once more. "WAS IT YOU?"
Now, first off, having a green faced evil witch inches away from your face is no picnic. Having her screaming at you, accusing you of murder is even worse. I'm expecting my own untimely death soon after she hears my response, so imagine my shock when I opened my mouth to reply and Glinda cut in.
"Aren't you forgetting the ruby slippers?"
"The slippers!" The Wicked Witch cried out, forgetting all about me and rushing towards her sister's dead body beneath my house.
She wants those nasty red shoes?
The Wicked Witch reached for the heels right as they disappeared off of her sister's feet. I watched in astonishment as the feet shriveled up and deteriorated beneath the house.
"Where did they go?!" She screamed.
"Right here, of course," Glinda replied pointing down to my feet.
Sure enough, those ugly red sparkled shoes were placed right onto my feet, a perfect fit. I stared down in horror, partly because I wasn't sure what the Wicked Witch was going to do now that I had the shoes she desired most, but mostly because I was disgusted I was wearing such hideous footwear.
"GIVE ME BACK THOSE SLIPPERS!" She shrieked, lunging for my feet.
"I-I-I can't." I stammered, frantically yanking at the shoes to pull them off. They wouldn't budge a centimeter, as though glued on.
"They won't come off!" Glinda exclaimed cheerfully, clapping her hands together, "They belong to Dorothy now."
"But, but I don't want them!" I cried out, close to tears. I didn't want to die over an ugly pair of shoes. I would die for a pair of cute shoes, but that's a completely different situation.
"GIVE THEM BACK! You wouldn't even know how to use them properly," The Wicked Witch insisted, "Give them back now!"
Use them properly? What the hell do these shoes do besides make my feet and eyes hurt?
"It's too late," Glinda sang out, "There they are, and there they'll stay!"
"I swear to Oz, Glinda," The Witch said through gritted teeth. Frankly, I don't blame her; Glinda was really obnoxious with her euphoric and slightly delirious attitude.
I waited for the witch to finish, but she never did.
Instead, she turned crisply and stormed back to where her ratty broom laid and snatched it up. Mounting it, she turned towards me and shoved one of those bony, crooked fingers into my face and exclaimed "You will regret this! I'll get you, my pretty!" she glanced at Toto in his basket, "And your little dog, too!" She cackled loudly.
I stared at her, my heart thumping loudly as she hurriedly flew up into the air and off into the distance, disappearing until she was speck, then nothing.
"Well, that went well!" Glinda exclaimed cheerfully after a few moments of silence. The munchkins quivered behind her.
"We have two completely different definitions of well," I grumbled. I paused to think. I didn't really want to stick around to find out how the Wicked Witch planned to go about executing her threat. "Glinda," I began slowly, "How do I get out of here?"
"Why, I'm sure the Wizard will help you!" She proclaimed brightly.
"Um, the Wizard?" I repeated.
"Yes, The Wizard of Oz, of course!"
Oh, how could I not know of this mysterious Wizard of Oz? My bad.
"Okay," I drawled out, "Where is this great 'Wizard'?"
"He lives in the Emerald City, right up there," she pointed to the big green castle I spotted earlier when I first arrived.
I sighed. "Alright, how do I get there?"
"Just follow the yellow brick road!" She sang out.
I looked down. Did she mean this nasty mustard colored brick road? I glanced up the road, following the path with my eyes. It did seem to lead to that strange, weird looking green castle. Or emerald, as she said.
I took a step forward. One of the munchkins popped forward, out of the group. "Follow the yellow brick road!" He shouted. Yeah, okay, I heard her the first time, you little shit, I thought, forcing a smile.
I took another step. Another munchkin popped forward. "Follow the yellow brick road!" She cried out. YEAH, I GOT IT ALREADY. I thought, stepping forward again to get away from her.
Suddenly, all of the munchkins starting unanimously singing for me to follow that stupid road. They chased me down the road as I started to go faster in attempts to escape. They chanted their little song all together in the same tune and rhythm.
Are you shitting me? How many times did they rehearse this? I starting going up the road more quickly, trying to get away from the little freaks as fast as I could. They started chanting in sing-song even more.
"You're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!"
Yeah, I know where I'm fucking going, thanks. I started skipping away to go faster. Finally, they stopped chasing me and stood behind waving goodbye, Glinda standing right behind them.
Yeah, "goodbye", alright! I thought, waving back. I hated to bust up this little party but I was very ready to get the hell out of this creep show.
