The silence was slightly stifling. Me and Abby Yates were clustered around a small blueprint, bent double, desperately trying to identify the problem. I was responsible for the design we were crowded around, but the prototype for the weapon was far from safe to use, and neither of us could figure out why it wasn't working. Abby sighed dejectedly, shaking her head and raising her hands in submission- she couldn't see any solution for this one.
Long after Patty had left to go get dinner for herself, Abby and I had been left trying to solve the problem in total silence. My eyes darted over the blueprint, scanning it for potential errors, and I could feel my fellow Ghostbusters' eyes on me, waiting for me to find the issue. But I had nothing. I groaned and put my head in my hands, my knees close to giving way with the dull ache of exhaustion, and my head heavy with fatigue. It was only a matter of time before Abby had to leave and that left me alone trying to solve the issues with my blueprint.
Thirty minutes later the excruciating silence was broken by Abby resignedly raising her head to face me.
"Look, Erin" she mumbled, her voice hoarse. I raised my head as well and gave her a reassuring grin
"Hey it's fine Abby I get you need to go" I replied "It's real late".
Abby nodded in agreement and stood upright, stretching.
"Thanks for understanding" she muttered, and glanced once more down at the blueprint before glancing back at me.
"We can pick this up tomorrow" she offered. "Perhaps you should go home as well and get some rest?". I nodded half heartedly, having no intention of going home with this unfinished. I imagined that Abby probably knew this already, but she pulled on her coat regardless, wrapping her grey scarf around her neck before turning back to me one last time.
"Check that Holtzmann's left before you lock up; that girl'll be in her lab all night unless somebody evicts her. Oh! And have a good evening." She smiled, and waved, turning on her heel and making her way out of the room.
"You too!" I called, and once she was out of earshot sighed, sank to the floor in exhaustion.
So Holtz is still here, huh? I thought to myself, brow furrowed. I always thought she left earlier. I stretched my arms out, reaching for my knees and a small smile crept onto my lips. If she couldn't help with the blueprint then nobody else could, and besides, any opportunity to see the quirky engineer was gratefully accepted. I pressed a hand to my eyes for a final time before using the high desk to pull myself up. I chewed on my lip, trying to work out what I'd say to Holtzmann when I arrived but drew a blank and instead ran a hand through my hair and scooped up the blueprint, kicking the door open with my foot and heading to the engineering lab.
Now I wasn't ready to admit that I fancied Jillian Holtzmann, but I definitely felt something for her other than friendship.
Maybe it's super friendship? I'd try to reason, reminding myself that I was in fact definitely straight and 100% into guys. I was confused, put it that way. Part of me felt that perhaps I was just getting a little too lonely, or that maybe this was some kinda hormone induced phase, or maybe even just misconstrued friendship (Yeah Erin, sure that's a thing). Another part of me, however, couldn't stop getting nervous whenever I saw the engineer and when we were close I would find myself fighting off the urge to lean in closer or extend a hand to touch her. My sentences became stuttery wrecks and my heart would slam into break-neck pounding at random, and not to mention the fact that jesus CHRIST did that woman look good in a boilersuit.
But I didn't want to go any further than we were already at.
OkAY so sometimes we acted kind of intimate but all friends did that, right? After a bust she'd pick me up in a tight hug and whirl me around but hey, that's adrenaline for you, and sometimes when we hung out with the rest of the 'busters she'd casually slip an arm round my shoulders while she was talking. And occasionally when we hung out alone, (mostly when it was late at night and I was crying to her about something) she'd pull me into a tight hug and we'd just sit there for an hour or so in silence, my head resting on her shoulder, watching the almost hypnotic rise and fall of her breathing until I pulled myself together.
Erin you doofus that's what's commonly known as "support" I reprimanded myself, going over in my head for the millionth time how I didn't want Holtzmann in that way, and that everything was fine as it was, and we had a NICE friendship with NICE times and it was all really very NICE. Besides, Holtz probably had a girlfriend already. So that was that.
I took a deep breath as I paused at her closed door, my fist pausing by the wood before I could knock. I could hear the radio warbling through the wood, though I couldn't tell what was playing, and I could hear the engineer singing sporadically over the music. The smile once again returned to my lips and I knocked on the door, calling to her through it in a light, sing-song, airy tone.
"Hey Holtz? It's Erin! I need your help with something"
There was the sound of something being dropped, and a curse, before I heard the music abruptly cut off and a reply hollered back at me.
"Hey come on in Bertie! Door's unlocked..."
I sighed, rolled my eyes and used my elbow to push down the door handle and enter her lab; I hated it when she called me Bertie.
The blonde engineer was sat slouched on a computer chair, her feet resting on the abominably messy desk in front of her. In one hand she was holding what looked like a super pimped up metal wrench, and the other was lifting a welding mask from her face. She smiled widely as I entered and threw the mask and wrench onto the desk, and dusted her hands off in front of her. She was wearing her customary yellow lensed glasses and around where the glasses shielded her eyes, her face was smeared and coated in a combination of soot and engine grease.
"Evening Erin, what can I do you for at this ungodly hour?" She asked, running a hand through her hair. I laughed nervously under her grin and managed a thin smile back.
"I uh.. It's not that late is it?" I began, but glanced at the numbers on the clock sat above Holtzmann and raised my eyebrows.
10:30pm.
"Yeah okay, uh, scrap that, it is really late" I laughed awkwardly, closing my eyes as I saw Holtz shoot me a quizzical glance.
"I have this blueprint," I quickly continued, trying to shift the topic. "It looks like the weapon's a bit... uhh.." I hesitated, searching for the right words
"Uh... not working. And me and Abby can't work out what the issue is so ummm yeah. Would you be able to take a look for me please?" I winced and feebly gestured to the design in my hand. Holtzmann bit her lip and nodded, taking her feet off the table, adjusting her sitting position and gesturing me over with her hand.
"Sure thing, bring it over here." I breathed a silent sigh of relief and approached her desk, handing the design over to her. She patted a chair next to her with a soot covered hand; an invitation to sit down.
I awkwardly perched myself on the chair as Holtz unrolled the blueprint, suddenly aware of how close to her I was sat. She hunched over the design, using a finger to follow the various labels and components; her brow furrowed.
"Hm" she hummed, scanning the image further. I knew I should have been explaining it in more detail to her, but I was finding myself getting distracted by the look of concentration on her face. There was just something about the way those blue eyes darted around the paper, something about the way she mouthed something to herself, her lips just barely moving as they mimicked the words she was either thinking or reading.
I couldn't keep my eyes off her face as she methodically worked over the design. Every time I tore my eyes away they found themselves back at her mouth and I sighed to myself frustratedly, wishing I wouldn't get myself worked up like this.Eventually Holtz sat back sharply with a raise of her eyebrows
"Aaahh" she murmured quietly, as if some epiphany had just occurred to her.
"I think I see your problem". I almost jumped out of my seat with excitement but tried to play it cool, glancing up at her curiously
"Yeah?" I replied, my voice betraying my nervousness with a slight quiver. I didn't like that Holtz had seen me screw up and I was eager to know just how badly I'd messed up the design. It was almost like the engineer had picked up on that slight waver in confidence as she turned to me and gave me a reassuring smile, placing a hand on my knee.
"It's nothing too major, don't worry. Easy mistake to make." she began, pointing a finger at the power pack of the weapon "It's just that the power; it's built into it, but its gonna get it too warm: the whole thing overheats and so the proton pack blows causing it to go bang". My face echoed the realisation that was slowly dawning on me.
"Kablammo" she added, waving her hands to illustrate her point and I nodded grimly, turning back to the design.
"So, what, you think we should create a separate power pack to sit outside of the weapon?" I asked. Holtzmann grimaced.
"Well that'd be the easiest option, but would leave a tiny nuclear power pack on the outside of a frigging glove, which would mean yet more kablammo and probably a new arm" she paused, a mischievous smile creeping onto her lips
"And as much as you're the bomb Erin I'd rather you weren't on the recieving end of this glove becoming one" Holtz dropped me a wink and a wide grin and I felt my face heat up almost instantly. Thankfully my brain jumpstarted into action to try and play off her compliment with a chilled annoyance.
"Holtz this is serious"
"Awh come on that was a good one."
"Holtz"
"Hey maybe I was being serious about you?"
"Holtzmann"
I was furiously blushing and thankfully the engineer dropped the flirting as she wiped a hand across her forehead, smearing another line of black oil across her face, and licked her lips
"Okay but no, I recommend making a hydrogen fuelled fan that links to the power pack, thereby cooling it down. We can put a vent in the glove so it can self regulate the temperature". I paused for a second and glanced at the design again
"where'd we put the thermistor?" I asked nervously, my eyes risking glances at her face. Jesus Christ we were close. A couple of inches forward and I would be brushing against her neck and-
Not now Erin I thought to myself angrily, clenching my jaw. Holtzmann puffed her cheeks out, her eyes following the design.
"Uuuuuh, I'd say pop it where the power pack is and then it knows the actual temperature" she said, pointing to the power pack. I nodded "yeah, okay".
"As I say" she continued, turning to face me "it ain't a problem and it's an easy mistake to make." I flushed a little under her gaze and dropped my eyes to the floor
"You don't have to be nice" I mumbled "I know you would never have made that dumb kind of error" I was cursing myself internally for making such a stupid mistake with the design, staring intently as I played with my hands to distract Holtz from my clear annoyance.
"Hey" Holtzmann said softly, placing a hand over both of mine to stop me fidgeting.
"Anyone can make mistakes Erin, c'mon now, you beat yourself up too much."
I snorted and shifted my gaze away from her again, trying to hide the fact that I was slowly losing my composure over how close we were.
"Erin..." she muttered sternly, moving her hand from mine and hesitating for a fraction of a second before placing it on my chin, one thumb extending up past my mouth, and gently tilting my face round so I couldn't help but look directly at her. I swallowed nervously and forced myself to look her in the eye, but couldn't prevent myself from darting a glance down to her parted mouth.
"You put too much pressure on yourself erin, you... ah..." and then the blonde trailed off, her eyes searching my face rapidly.
We were so fucking close. I could see the freckles underneath her sooty face and the very slight film of sweat beading on her forehead and her chin. Were we about to kiss? I saw Holtz edge forwards a millimetre and withdraw. She wasn't sure.
I wasn't sure.
We were best friends. Best friends didn't do THIS. No amount of bullshittery could convince me of that now. Did I want to kiss her?
Yes.
Wait. No.
This was too much confusion and I didn't have long enough to think everything through because Holtzmann was gently closing her eyes and tilting her head and moving towards me, lips parted.
This was going to fuck up our friendship for sure. I wasn't even sure if I wanted Holtz in that way. Did she even want me in that way or was this just some dumb experiment?
There was too much doubt in my mind and so before I could fully take stock of what I was doing, I pulled myself away from Holtzmann's grip. Her eyes opened and for half a second shot me a look of total despair before she dropped her hand from my face and let it hang uselessly to her side before wheeling chair back from me a bit.
"Holtzmann I'm sorry I uh... I'm" I stuttered, guiltily scrabbling for the right words. She shook her head
"Erin it's fine, it should be me apologising I uh... I don't know what I was thinking" she gave a small, forced laugh and stared intently at the ground.
"It's not you though" I gushed "I'm just confused; I don't know if I could kiss a girl or..." I trailed off and sighed deeply
"Look, maybe I should head off home?" I offered, and the engineer nodded.
"Yeah, okay" she said. I nodded, trying to reassure myself that I'd done the right thing, and began rolling up the blueprint.
"Thanks so much for your help tonight though" I added sympathetically "this glove would've been screwed without you". She gave me a small smile and nodded.
"No worries man, anytime."
I finished packing up my stuff and turned to Holtzmann before leaving her lab.
"Uh.. have a lovely evening... well... night really" I called and gave her a wave. Before I could hear or see her reply, I turned on my heel and walked out of the room.
Despite the fact that I'd been well within my rights to do that, part of me couldn't help feeling that I'd majorly messed up.
That night I didn't sleep.
