A/N: I do not own the Mighty Ducks, although I wish I could buy the rights to them! Please know that this is an AU where the Ducks arrived in the year 1999, and this takes place in 2000, when an election is coming up.
The cute cover pic that I used was drawn by my friend Aly1992 from DeviantArt.
Don't Call Me Penelope 1: Not Just a Bill
Fang's POV
I really should have gone to school that day. It was only my first week at Frieda Vent Fan High School, and I didn't want to start my freshman year as a truant. But my first two days had been disastrous. I'd been forced to take Home Ec instead of Auto Shop simply because I'm a girl (and here I'd thought they'd quit forcing girls to take that class in the 1960's). Making matters worse, the other kids refused to leave me alone, and I hadn't done anything to deserve it! All I wanted to do was learn and hang out with my best friend and Raw Insanity bandmate, Doom. But it was not to be. If the kids weren't throwing things at me or making fun of me for my lack of a sex life, they were daring their friends to ask out "the ugliest girl at the school" as a joke. The "Ugliest Girl in School" is me, but I'm certain you already guessed that! But it's not like I cared what those sadistic jerks thought about me. I just wanted them to let me be ugly in peace!
So, instead of going to school, I stayed home and slept until noon. Gradually, I eased out of bed and meandered to the living room, where I collapsed on the couch next to my talking Chihuahua, Loki. He was watching ESPN intently. We were a hockey family. Even the dog liked hockey. My mom was a Detroit fan, but Loki and I followed the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. I thought it was awesome that they had two female players and a teenager. But the most fascinating thing about them was the fact that they'd come to Earth from another universe! They'd even had a cartoon series made about them, and I'd been eagerly awaiting the next season for some time.
Needless to say, when I heard the commentator mention my team, I was shaken out of my sleepiness.
"For those who haven't heard," said the commentator, "Texas Representative Elijah Rutherford is rumored to be drafting a bill that could affect Anaheim. As you know, the NHL has no official rule preventing Tanya Vanderflock and Mallory McMallard from playing with their male teammates. However, if this bill were to become a law, it would call for sex segregation in every physical profession be it construction or sports. Mallory and Tanya would be forced to quit the team. Now, I don't know about you, but I think it should be up to individual leagues whether or not they accept women. The government should stay out of it! Fortunately for Mallory and Tanya, this bill is still being drafted and likely won't be introduced in time to affect the upcoming season."
"That's right," said the other commentator, "but due to recent political trends, I wouldn't be surprised if the bill gained some support."
"Even so, you can't blame Gary Bettman for this one! This is the government. If this bill does pass, it has nothing to do with the NHL. You can't blame management either! Phil Palmfeather says that Mallory and Tanya bring a lot of commerce to the team and he would hate to see them go."
"Indeed. Fans come from miles around to check out Mallory's *assets* and they're surprised when they find out she can actually play!"
At that comment, I went from being groggy to outraged! Ever since this mysterious group called PPOF began filling government positions, our country had started taking many steps backwards. Laws and attitudes were both taking a turn for the worse.
"You know," said Loki, "If Banks gets elected, and this bill makes it all the way to him, he'll pass it."
"Maybe it'll get introduced and voted on before the election," I said, hopefully.
"Doubt it," said Loki. "It's a long process. You've seen the Schoolhouse Rock video about bills becoming laws."
I groaned. Mallory and Tanya were my heroes. Hockey wouldn't be the same without them!
When I looked back at the TV, they were showing a clip of an interview with Mallory.
"How do you feel about Rutherford's bill?" the interviewer asked her.
Naturally, Mallory was fuming. "What do you mean, 'How do I feel?' If this bill passes, I refuse to stay on this planet. We'll find a way to get back to Puckworld. This is the last straw."
Soon after, they asked Nosedive the same question in order to get a male perspective. He sounded much more serious than usual.
"We can't do it without Tanya," he said. "She's not just solid D, she sets up goals for us forwards all the time. We're a tight unit. And Mal's not dispensable either. She's lightning fast! They don't even see her coming until it's too late. …Or if they do, they cower in fear." He laughed.
I smiled. "That's awesome," I told Loki. "No matter how much Nosedive and Mallory argue off the ice, when it comes to the Rutherford bill he's definitely got his teammate's back."
"You have such a big crush on him," said Loki.
"Do not!" I insisted. "Crushes are for giggly, Abercrombie-wearing girls. Besides, he's an alien." I tossed a pillow at Loki, but he ignored me. I looked back at the long-haired alien duck on TV. Nosedive didn't seem to think there was anything unusual about females and males playing hockey together. I wondered how gender relations were on his planet.
Soon, my grandmother came and sat down beside me. She put her arm around me. "I'm sorry you're having such a time with school," she said.
"I'm fine," I insisted.
"Do you think that maybe if you started going by your real name instead of Fang, they might be nicer to you? Penelope is such a wonderful, feminine name."
"I don't like Penelope."
"Well, maybe if you started wearing makeup…"
I sighed. I wished my mom was awake. She was easier to talk to about these things. But Mom worked nights at the hospital, and I didn't want to interrupt her sleep.
"Let's talk about this later," I said.
"Oh, alright," replied Grandma. "I just think may be happier if you could get a boyfriend. There's nothing like meeting a boy that makes your heart turn flips!"
I sighed. "The boys at school…the way they talk about girls…the way they treat them…I don't want to be treated that way. I'm glad I'm single."
"Are they all that bad?"
"I don't want to talk about it." My school had was becoming an increasingly toxic environment. People enjoyed hurting each other emotionally and physically. Jocks would tell each other, "The best way to get a girl to like you is by treating her like crap." Is it any wonder that I enjoyed being single?
My grandmother knew she was getting nowhere in her conversation with me, so she went to get dinner out of the freezer so it could begin thawing.
The rest of the day, Loki was really quiet. It almost seemed like he was bothered by the news about the bill even more than I was! I wondered how that was even possible! At dinner, he didn't even want to eat the fried chicken my grandmother fixed. Instead, he just sat under the table and warmed my feet. That was so out of character. Normally, he loved people food and I had to try my best to keep him from jumping on the table to get it.
When I was half way through my meal, he said glumly, "I'm going to see Amber."
Amber was a toon cat he had met years ago when he had been captured by an evil animal control guy. The two had been thrown in a cell together, which subsequently made them fall in love. I thought cross-species relationships were kind of gross, but it was his business, not mine. And she seemed nice enough, at least when I actually saw her. The two had gotten married, but he hadn't wanted to move out and she hadn't wanted to move in with us. The whole situation was very unusual.
"Have fun," I told Loki as I let him out the door. "Maybe I can have a real life Catdog one of these days. Make me a happy grandmammy."
I thought that would make him laugh, but it didn't. He went out the door without a word. I contemplated following him since he was in such a bad mood, but it would have been no use. If he wanted to disappear, he would disappear. Somehow he had acquired quite a few strange skills like that. Escape and evasion, breaking and entering. Any time I asked where he learned it all, he would avoid answering.
I decided to turn my thoughts to other things. Hockey season was coming up, and I couldn't wait!
I went to my room and put in a VHS tape (remember those?) of hockey montages my mom had made. She mainly only recorded Detroit, so if I wanted to see the Ducks, I'd have to find footage of them playing Detroit. I fast-forwarded until I saw jade and purple.
Darren had Nosedive down on the ice and was giving him a pounding, but Nosedive didn't just lay there and take it. Generally, the ducks disapproved of fighting, but they didn't mind so much if it was self-defense: Nosedive threw some nice punches, too. In fact, Darren ended up with a bloody nose and had to be benched until the bleeding stopped. After the incident, Nosedive was right back up like nothing had happened. Too bad for Darren. Players love to try to put Nosedive out of commission because he's a puck hog and because he's not a very big guy. They assume it's easy to kick his ass. But, like a little keg of dynamite, he always proves them wrong. I wondered if I would make a good hockey player too. I had no doubt that I could get up and keep playing like he did, especially if I had the right kind of adrenaline rush. Seeing Dive and Mallory made me feel better about being only 5'1. If they could be short and tough, so could I!
I wondered if Mom had recorded the interview they did with him after the fight, so I fast- forwarded the tape. Sure enough, it was there. I remembered it very well from last season. "On our planet we don't believe in starting fights," he said, "but we know how to finish 'em!"
This was towards the end of last season, when they'd gotten a better grasp of our language. Unlike in the cartoon, which is only a summary of real events, the real Ducks came here only knowing their native language. They'd barely managed to communicate to the humans that they were athletes and that they wanted to play, but Disney had to find a way to condense that whole process into a single episode.
Thank goodness the humans were able to figure out what the Ducks wanted, because I loved watching these feathered phenoms tear up the ice!
I decided to dig through the VHS tapes until I found footage from the beginning of the season. I wanted to hear them when they were first learning English because I found it fascinating that we finally had real live aliens on planet Earth.
Of course, the government tried to say that they weren't real aliens and that it was only a gimmicky backstory constructed by Phil Palmfeather to bring in more fans. But I knew they weren't just humans in duck suits. They were simply too alien. In some interviews they would slip up and use a word from their language, and their eyes were slightly bigger than ours, although they are more similar to ours than they appeared in the show. In fact, there were several differences between them in real life and them in the show. Their bills were straighter, more like an Earth duck, but maybe not as long in proportion to their heads. And the animation failed to capture the texture of the feathers. But just like in the show, they had four fingers instead of five. They needed their gloves custom made. That was all the proof I needed. They HAD to be aliens!
Finally, I found a tape of hockey montages from last October and began watching all the Anaheim footage I could find. I ended up geeking out about the Mighty Ducks until about midnight. By then, Loki still hadn't returned from his date with Amber. I was beginning to worry, which made it difficult for me to sleep.
Then I realized I'd forgotten to listen to my nightly sleep music: By the Blade, the debut album of Blades N' Flowers. I put in the tape, hoping it would help me. I didn't listen to the lyrics because I didn't want to face the fact that my favorite singer was a bit of a pig. Instead, I just listened to the sound of his raspy voice and the wail of Bolt's guitar.
But that night, not even Jax Flower and Bolt could put me to sleep. I tossed and turned for what seemed like an eternity.
Meanwhile
Phil Palmfeather had been sleeping like a baby. "Money, money, money," he muttered in his sleep. *snore* "Money, money, money." Then, all of a sudden, his cell phone rang.
Phil cursed and sat up. "I thought I turned the ringer off!" he complained to himself. Just in case the call was related to a publicity stunt for the Ducks, Phil answered the Phone. "Phil Palmfeather speaking. Who is this?"
"My name is VonDrake. Silverwing VonDrake. I would like to meet with the Mighty Ducks."
"Are you wanting to set up a publicity opportunity for the Ducks?"
"No. I am from Peeravara. You call it Puckworld. I've been living away from my own kind for quite a while, but now I feel like they need me. I have to meet them."
"Great! Can I interest you in a contract? I might need to replace a couple players if that bill passes."
"I do not wish to replace McMallard and Vanderflock. Besides, I won't be able to play hockey until I can do something about my…physical condition."
"I see. Well, maybe I could get the ducks to fly out and meet you, but there might be a fee. Where do you live?"
"Tennessee. Frieda Vent Fan, Tennessee. I'll have directions emailed to you. Sound good?"
"Sounds great, babe."
