Still, so very still since you left. Lay on my side of the now too large double bed, cuddling your cold pillow that still smells of your musky aftershave, a mixture of gasses and gun powder, I can close my eyes and almost pretend you're still here, but your not. I remember the times we would spend in this bed, night after night, sleeping side by side, waking up and seeing your face, the way you made me feel loved - sometimes after particularly rough cases we would just lie there, not moving, not sleeping, just holding each other in fear that one day it could be gone…it was on one of these night you said it for the first time; I still remember the look on your face, lit through the darkness at 1:58, the words that you whispered for just us to know, you told me you loved me so why did you go away?

That was not long before you faked your death. It was heartbreaking, I couldn't come to grips with the fact you would do that, that you would commit suicide. I blamed myself for a while, why hadn't I seen the signs? I should of helped you, but I was too late. I moved along, I did what I could to survive but then I got a text, just like the one from the very first day 'Baker street, come at once if convenient, if inconvenient come anyway'. I ran, I do recall the smell of the rain, fresh on the pavement, I ran to our place; that July 9th the beat of your heart, it jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms.

My mind is spinning with memories of your face now, it's in the darkness of night when you haunt me most. I think of each case we solved, each insult you through my way, each compliment you would give when we got back home, each smile, each laugh, each tear, each cry. I remember last Christmas, I was slightly tipsy but I do remember the swing of your step, life of the party you're showing off again, and then I rolled my eyes and I pulled you in, you're not much for dancing but for me you did!

I loved that, how you'd do anything to make me smile, I love how you'd walk with your hands in your pockets, how you would turn up your coat collar because it made you look cool, I love how you'd call me an idiot, then when I start to defend myself how you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something, there's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions.

I can feel you forget me, with every passing day you don't call. I don't understand what happened, why you left, so I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are…they never answer, because no one's seen you not even Greg, but I hope it's nice where you are.

And I hope the sun shines, and it's a beautiful day, and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed because you can plan for a change in the weather and time, but stood at the alter in my new white suit, I never planned on you changing your mind. I hold on to the note saying "I'm sorry John" that they found in your dressing room.

I sit on the floor wearing your old dressing gown for the seventh night in a row, tears leaving tear tracks down my face until there are footprints on the stair, your footprints, looking up I see you battered, bruised and bleeding and I cry even more…"I'm sorry John" but it's not for leaving me this time for you never left me in the first place. "I love you" your voice is so croaky "I would never willingly leave! Please forgive me." Most of your usually milky skin was covered in cuts and bruises, and I could see deep wounds on your wrist from what looked like handcuffs. I whispered sorry back, why would you need forgiveness when it wasn't your fault, why when I was the one who never came looking, thinking you would just disappear like that. I let you down, again.

*A few of the lines and the title here are taken from Taylor Swift's song Last Kiss, as that is where the inspiration came from.