Ello! I don't own anything (except mah creativitay), okay bye! Enjoy (:
His lips, they were saying words, so many words. Too many words. It was another one of her dreams except this time he was being stubborn. Why was he so many inches away from her? Why wasn't he confessing some unknown love for her, saying things she would never let him say in real life? And finally, why was he talking so much, with such a heartbreaking sincere look on his face, when he could be kissing her?
So she went for it. Like he had done in many previous dreams of hers, she held onto his shoulders for dear life and kissed him as hard as her heart was beating. But before she let herself be carried away, she felt a slight breeze slowly waking her up. The hairs on her arms stood up and felt bare without his strong, expected grasp around her. That's when she realized she had never fallen asleep. She was really Sam, and he was really Freddie, and worst off, she was really kissing him.
xox
He wanted to process everything little thing. Her nails digging into his shoulders, but they weren't trying to hurt him. The heart beating against his chest, but it wasn't his. Her hair grazing against his skin, her lips knowing their way with his, the way her body had caved into his. He wanted to hold her, push her away. Ask her what the hell she was thinking, beg her to keep going. So much he could do, so much he could say, but she didn't let him. She was already staring at him. He had never seen that look on her face, Sam never expressed such fear. She was afraid of what he was going to say next. He was afraid of what he was going to say next. Any solid phrase that he could have formed playfully sped around his head, unwillingly to slow down enough for him to express it.
"Sorry," she stated.
Even her voice was different. It wasn't strong or confident. He had never realized what a baby face she actually had. Her cheeks blushed to match her lips, her eyes a frightened blue. Additionally, her soft, blond curls and short stance only made her look that much more vulnerable. He found himself with the upper-hand. He could say anything.
"It's cool," he stammered. Because really, he was as lost as she was. What had he just given his approval to? He yearned to ask her this, but only stutters of nonsense made its way out.
He could sense her slowly giving up on him as she started to back away, her eyes never leaving his. All he had to do was reach his arm out, pull her back and tell her… tell her something. Anything.
She shook her head and whispered, "No. It's not," and ran off. Silly him to think he had an upper-hand. She was still Sam, stronger and faster than him. She probably already had it all figured it out, and she was gone. He wasn't even sure if he was still Freddie, but he was sure that he was alone. And so very lost.
xox
Anger? No. Sadness? Not really. Exclusion? A bit. Confusion? So much. Carly's two best friends had a habit of being up to something she couldn't follow, but it usually made some amount of sense. This made none. She couldn't even begin to put it together. There was Freddie, and there was Sam, but what was Freddie-and-Sam? Could that be one phrase? Had she missed something? Had she missed everything?
She remembered how many times she'd enforced Sam unto Brad. Sam was in love with Brad, the app said. Brad made delicious fudge. Brad was wherever Sam followed. Brad, Brad, Brad. Or was it? Where was Freddie in her whole conclusion? He was supposed to be on my side. She had only dismissed his nonchalant attitude towards the whole 'Sam loves Brad' situation as lack of understanding towards Sam. Yet there he was closer to Sam than anyone else had ever been. Closer to each other than Carly could ever be.
They didn't even look like Sam and Freddie anymore. They fit together in a strange, unexpected way. Like trying peanut butter and jelly for the first time. She had no actual description of how she felt. It was positive, she could tell, but there was enough negative mixed in to simply confuse her so she couldn't have an actual stance. For such a usual headstrong person, she didn't even feel like Carly anymore. How would Carly fit into this? There was no room for her. That's why she was on the other side of the window while her two best friends were in their own world.
xox
Running. It was something Sam could do, whether she enjoyed it or not, and it came in handy many times especially in a life like hers. Whether to run towards things or away, usually away. That's why she never competed like her mother had wanted to when she was younger. "Running towards a prize" meant nothing to her, for one she couldn't eat a prize which defeated all life purposes, but mostly she preferred getting away from expectations. Another reason was that she tired easily. Not tired as in she couldn't keep up, but that she stopped wanting to. She hated running a steady marathon, she hated steadiness in general. Which is why she usually found herself running in the first place.
Like tonight. She was running away because she had tempered with her steady relationship with Freddie. But her relationship with Freddie was only steady to those who weren't keeping close track like she was. They were cycle water taken through each of its phases, slowly heating up, occasionally reaching a plateau. They had started out as ice—everyone knew their place and no one dared attempt to change them. One mistake and everything would crack, never to be fixed again. But then they started melting. She wasn't sure what had provoked it. Perhaps sharing their first kiss had something to do with it, but she hated giving him too much credit, no matter how often she replayed it. She had melted into him, occasionally letting him swirl her unexpectedly, but always keeping her shape. Tonight, she'd turned the heat up a notch. She had forced them to leave that steady watery state and launched them into the untamable vapors of romance. There nothing could be contained, shaped, or steadied. So she ran.
She wasn't too surprised that she could make her way home in the pitch dark, many of her walks to Carly's were in the dark. But as soon as she got home, she knew that wasn't where she wanted to be. She had already felt her phone vibrate twice and knew if she kept not answering they would easily find her here. She chucked her phone in a bush behind her apartment building where she knew she could still find it even a week later. And then she walked into the night without destination, as long as it was away.
xox
"Okay, so I reprogrammed a few steps and tested it on myself, it seems to work fine now, it says I'm happy!" Brad grinned, "Do you want to try?"
"No." Freddie's answer was immediate even though he still couldn't think straight. By now he knew their app worked and he didn't want to know how he was feeling. Well, that was a lie. He wanted to know, he was just afraid to. Because knowledge would have to lead to action, and he definitely did not know what to do or say with Sam. He had always felt somewhat uneasy around Sam because of how unpredictable she was, but it was an uneasiness he was used to and had started to strangely like. How he felt now was an uneasiness he saved for other girls, a group of girls he didn't associate with Sam. He'd even finally managed to move Carly out of that category, Sam definitely did not belong. And he didn't want that app to try changing his mind.
Nonetheless, he already started making some decisions. When he saw Carly walk by in his peripheral, he kept looking straight ahead like a horse with blinders on. He knew they had been on a mission together, but he decided to leave her clueless, let her think her plan was flawless as she so often believed. He didn't tell her about the non-existence of 'Sam and Brad', yet at the same time, although he was still unsure whether his heart was following suit or not (and he was too afraid to know anyways), his mind had decided that there was a 'Sam and Freddie' and since it wasn't part of her plan, Carly didn't need to know.
xox
Carly sat back as Gibby finished the rest of the project with Spencer, luckily neither noticing her change in mood. She had texted Sam twice fully knowing she wouldn't respond, but at least she could hold a one-way conversation with hopes that Sam was reading the messages.
She couldn't hold anything with Freddie right now. He had clearly built a wall between them, and was purposely avoiding her. Had she witnessed another secret? Did he know she saw and hated her for bursting in their secret bubble?
When Carly was pep-talking Sam before leaving her in the room with Brad, she told her that she just wanted Sam to be happy. Although, in her mind she had already set up Sam's happiness with Brad, Carly knew she generally wanted Sam to be happy with anyone. Did anyone include Freddie? When and how had she missed that? Her misunderstanding wasn't from Sam and Freddie's constant arguments and statements about hating each other, because if anyone in the world knew how shallow that hatred was it'd be Carly. They shared too much to truly hate each other. But that's all she noticed, that they didn't hate each other. She hadn't thought about it the other way around. That Sam could be in love with Freddie, and that Freddie—whom she'd so many times dismissed—could be in love with Sam. And that they were okay with that. That they were happy. Isn't that what she wanted?
But why did their happiness not include her?
xox
Sam felt her eyes droop and body naturally tire. Simultaneously, the sky's darkness was turning into an early grey signaling she'd walked herself into the morning. She officially needed a place to stay, to rest her body and mind, especially her mind. Her thoughts were outrunning her and she was tired of trying to catch to them.
Could she truly be in love with Freddie? She was like a toddler trying out a new phrase, 'in love with Freddie'. Love. Freddie. Sam. In? Shut up. She begged for peace, quiet, and a way to mentally erase anything and everything that reminded her of… him.
She looked around, the tiniest amount of fright pricked at her as she realized she was no longer in familiar territory. She sighed; she needed to find her way back home. She walked to a secluded building she found, 'Troubled Waters Mental Institution'. The name sounded familiar, probably once visited by one of her cousins.
"Hi, welcome to Troubled Waters. How can I help you?"
She wanted directions back home, but that's not the help she needed. She didn't know what she needed. She was just exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. For the first time, Sam felt like she might breakdown in public. This was getting ridiculous. "I need help," her voice cracked but she blamed that on the lack of using it for a few hours and walking in the cold.
"Yes. How can I help you?" The nurse repeated slowly.
Sam felt her strength dwindle. If Sam knew how she could be helped, wouldn't she have fixed everything by now? Wouldn't she have managed to fly back in time and erase that kiss—both this one and the one that started it all? "I don't know," she groaned.
The nurse tapped her pen impatiently, "Are you looking to be a patient?"
Sam raised her eyebrows, "A patient?"
"Yes. Here at Troubled Waters…"
"…Mental Institution." Sam finished. That was it. "Yes, I have completely lost my mind."
There the nurse picked up her pace into a routine sign up for Sam, while Sam lost herself into her care and let everything else blur out.
They could pretend for the next few hours that they were still the same; that it had just been another moment in their lives, but they weren't. Everything was changing; they were pawns in a completely new game that they weren't sure how to play.
So I know Sam must have made a stop at home since she had changed clothes and a backpack in the epi but I wrote it this way without noticing the direction it was taking and I like it better. So just go with it :P Review por favor! xoxCamy
