It's been three years, I thought to myself as I sat in the coffee shop in France. Three years to this day since I left the BAU, my home, and yet my own personal nightmare as well.
As I sipped on my coffee I smiled at the faint memories from all the cases we had worked; all those families we had helped. Along the way, Morgan's smile popped up, then Reid's quirky intelligent remarks accompanied by Rossi's jokes and Garcia calling in, then JJ reprimanding the two boys.
Finally, there was Hotch.
His smile, something so rare and yet so sweet stood out from the others. The way he had held her that night after JJ's wedding will forever be engraved in her mind.
3 years ago
The knocking is what knocked me out of my trance. I looked at the watch, the red numbers blinked 2:30 AM.
Don't open the door, Emily, just go back to sleep, I thought, but I had to know who it was.
So, I got up out of bed and put on my robe. I walked down the stairs and looked through the peephole to see a disheveled Aaron Hotchner standing at my door. Immediately, my heart stopped and the old wounds I had closed up just a few weeks ago began to open again and tear at the stitched I had made.
Despite the rational part of my brain calling out to me to just go back to sleep, I opened the door slowly.
"Emily," he breathed, giving me a surprised look, as if he expected someone else in my apartment, "I know it's late, but, can I come in?"
Even after trying to forget all my feelings for him, they all came back in a sudden wave that burst through the walls I had strategically put up around my heart.
"Sure," I mumbled and opened the door wider.
As he crossed into my apartment I caught the faintest wiff of his cologne mixed with something that was purely just Aaron.
"Do you want coffee?" I asked, sensing that this conversation would take a while.
"No, thank you. I don't want to trouble you anymore than I already have; I know your flight is rather early and I'm already depriving you of sleep."
His tone was all business, none of the warmth and passion he had had in his voice just a few short weeks ago. It's like he had already forgotten.
"So what did you come here for? I thought you said all you needed to say a few weeks ago," I told him, my arms crossed against my chest; as if that would hold me together.
He hesitated.
"Why did you do this to me, Hotch?" I whispered quietly, "Why would you promise me all of your love and then just . . . take it all away in just a day? Why?"
The words came rushing out of my mouth before I could stop them.
His face lost some of the composure he had come here with but he quickly regained it.
"Prentiss I didn't come here to start this conversation with you again. I'll just repeat what I said before; we aren't right for each other. It would never work out between the two of us. I'm sorry that you think I lead you on for all those months and I'm sorry that it seemed like we were a done deal. My brain was clouded and I didn't know at the time that I was promising you something that I could never give."
He sighed, and looked up from the floor.
"Let's not argue tonight, alright?" He whispered, as if the fight had gone right out of him; just like that.
I had replayed those words inside my head for those two weeks, each time it started to hurt just a little bit less, but now, hearing him say it for the second time, I felt my resolve start to crumble once again.
"I didn't come here to make you upset," Hotch began, and took a step closer towards me.
"Then what did you come for?" I asked, unable to look up from the tiled floors.
"I came to say goodbye."
I looked up and saw that his composure had fallen, and was that . . . tears in his eyes? I felt something wet slide down my cheek and realized that I was crying as well.
"Good bye, Aaron," I whispered, using his first name, trying to make myself let go of the last part I had of him.
He looked at me for the longest time, and then I felt the familiar touch of his fingers stroking my hand. He held it to his lips and gave my knuckles the lightest kiss.
"Good bye, Emily."
Our eyes locked onto each other's and the tears came faster. I didn't dare make a sound, afraid that he would leave all too soon.
What felt like just a few seconds was probably minutes, and he pulled away. He walked back down the hall and towards the door.
"I love you, Aaron," I whispered as he closed the door behind him.
I love you.
I felt tears well up at the memory of that night, right after JJ's wedding. I had gotten on the plane to Paris five hours later, tears in my eyes as I said my goodbyes to DC, where so much love, hate, friendship, and pain had taken place. Despite everything, despite all the grief that the city had caused me, it was still my favorite city in the world.
Hotch would never admit this to the rest of the team members, but he knew the real reason why I had decided to resign. I had told him my decision the very next day after he told me how he truly felt.
He had accepted without so much as blinking an eye.
Then at the wedding, he had brought Beth and despite how much I wanted to remain cool and calm, when we danced together, it felt like he had never left me, that he had never told me that we "wouldn't work," it had felt like we were still together and still so in love. But as soon as he pulled away, it was over and he was back at Beth's side. I wasn't going to delude myself into thinking he didn't love her, he did. The way he looked at her and the way he laughed with her, it was love.
I looked up as the familiar jingle of the coffee shop door opening rang through the almost silent little shop. It was, after all, only six AM.
Then, I heard a laugh that paralyzed my heart.
"Aaron! How did you find out about this place?"
I looked up, trying to keep the waves of hope at bay. Was it really . . .
I looked up into a pair of warm brown eyes.
He was looking right at me as he whispered into Beth's ear.
"A friend of mine told me about it."
