You are a part of me
Genre: Poetry – blank verse
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination
Beta: Many thanks to my lovely and very patient husband for all of his helpful advice and support.
Summary: A Vulcan reflects
Please Note: This is a reworking of a poem originally posted on another site in 2007
When you first challenged me, we stood toe to toe,
So close, your angry breath brushed against my cheek.
Unrestrained emotion pitted against calm reason,
A subjective argument; you would not leave a friend behind.
For me, logic dictated the only course, so I stood apart;
I would not sacrifice our mission; not for a single life.
You berated my decision, saw only an alien: cruel and unfeeling,
Who had usurped the position of your rightful captain.
Yet, though I was determined to remain steadfast,
The strength of your irrational loyalty bent my will.
I learnt the value Humans place on personal attachments,
And I made an unexpected connection of my own.
Later when duty demanded that I leave my post,
And return to my world of regimented order;
To do what had been required of me from birth,
Why then did I decide to question my fate?
Did I feel a need to remain in chaos? That is the Human state.
You were surprised, when I revealed my secret uncertainty.
But true to form, you offered your opinions freely,
An opposing point of view; personal freedom to choose,
And while I resolutely countered your alien arguments,
You gave me the power to face my denied feelings.
And I came to value your discretion and counsel,
That had revealed the different path I could take.
Human curiosity carried us to an outpost of logic.
A sacred temple for contemplation, a depository of treasured relics;
And I was your passport to what was a secluded world.
Though we were not the first to intrude on this haven;
Suspicious foes had already stampeded through the fabric of reason,
Demanding there must be dark secrets, deep within a venerated heart.
Our uninvited presence only magnifying their blatant paranoia,
As in the eyes of stony faced guardians, we incited their violence.
But then, the duplicitous purpose alleged, lay stripped bare before us,
A revealed and rotten core at odds with the ideals I held to be true!
What was the retribution for this lie? A mocked shrine was destroyed.
And the judgement of my kin: I alone bore the burden of blame.
We provided aid to travellers, who had cast out restraint,
They wanted to explore their emotions, unfettered by logic.
One was drawn to me; he saw I had questions I wished to ask,
He sensed there was only a thin membrane, masking my true nature:
My shameful lack of control, a trait that was unwelcome in my world.
His promise of a life free from constraint, gave him the advantage;
So he fastened his hold on me, melding us into one, and I remembered:
My secret place, where a jagged exotic beat had danced in the night air;
To a time when intense sensation surrounded and pierced me,
And my mental armour shattered like shards of glass!
Then he stole and devoured my memories, blind to the agony he inflicted,
Until sated, he discarded my violated form.
My attacker left a terrible brand on my battered mind;
A wasting disease, which promised only madness and death,
It was also the signpost to an intimate act abhorrent to my kind.
When my stigma was uncovered, then I stood condemned
To return home, an outcast! But my captain would not abandon me.
So when I was called to account for my actions, I did not stand alone;
An archer drew back his bow and dispatched an arrow for tolerance.
Silently rebuffed by my accusers, who demanded I be stripped of rank,
And kept in a secure and secluded place, until my unrecorded demise!
Only to be saved by the sacrifice of another, who took my place.
And though, with our physician's care, my condition did not worsen,
I was left with scars that will never heal.
By my own hand, I could no longer call my world, home;
As in the eyes of my culture, I was damaged by association.
While you were wounded by the death of a dear sibling,
Shrouded in grief and consumed by one objective only;
Vengeance for a sister, among the millions lost.
Your home world was under threat of annihilation,
So we travelled toward danger, our enterprise to face an unknown foe.
Then I was tasked to bring you back to the land of the living.
A reluctant tutor, reaching out to an unwilling pupil,
Still we managed to find our own tranquil space and time;
In my intimate sanctuary, and as I treasured our fleeting moments,
I craved to know you more completely!
I was an accidental witness to the poisoning of my own kind!
My body also choked on polluted particles, invading and altering my psyche;
When the very essence of life is contaminated, there can be no escape!
So I lurched toward the monstrous jaws of a wild base creature,
That spewed out relentless walking dead, to protect and patrol its lair.
Their once familiar faces contorted, and twisted out of shape;
I, too, fell into a terrible swirling madness, driven to kill or die trying.
And as my control slipped away, my comrades became the enemy;
But I was the fiend and my purpose; to thwart their plans to flee death.
The others were beyond help, in the end their destruction, an act of mercy.
But I was dragged free from the deadly grip of this potent drug,
And as my body was cleansed, I glimpsed a beautiful freedom.
Searching for a hidden enemy in the vastness of space,
Time was running away from us, so we needed to quicken our drive.
You tried to find a way, but at too great a cost, as you lay fatally injured.
We could not live with your loss, so a desperate plan was hatched;
A simulation generated and allowed to grow fast and strong,
Till in record time he reached your age, allowing vital parts to be harvested.
Yet he was not just an empty vessel; he was more than your double!
He started with shared memories; then made his own footprints,
And though his span was far too short, he lived with a bright intensity.
And through his raw honesty, your feelings for me were confirmed.
But I found I was drawn to him for who he was! And as he faced his fate,
I gifted him a sign of my attachment.
I became a thief to feed a habit, blind to those diseased creatures,
Reduced to blasted debris, and scattered through churning space!
For I discovered the deadly source of their destruction was the key,
With small measures unlocking reason; to set free buried emotions.
My sole wish to break through the visible barrier that separated us.
But I was a novice experiencing all that logic said was forbidden,
And once released these new feelings became my own powerful opiates.
Then when I watched helplessly as another tried to claim you,
I knew the ancients' naked anger; as jealousy ate away at my intellect!
I was shut out by the ease with which you danced with each other;
An exchange of a look or touch, a language full of unspoken meaning,
My mind screamed that I wanted you to see me in that way!
At the agreed time you came willingly to me,
Expecting the relief my ministrations brought to your mind.
At first I was able to maintain a calm façade while close to you,
While primeval feelings were unleashed within: a battle I could only lose.
So I parried words with you, until a telling blow struck home.
Your sweet admission of attraction, easily shattering my defences!
This was a wild and dangerous experiment, a rebellion against order;
I was using a language unknown and revolutionary for me,
As I made the first contact, and silenced you with my desperate hunger.
You then took control and led me on an exquisite journey;
Our bodies fusing into one, charged with vital passion!
So how could I then deny my connection to you?
On my watch, I failed my charges; as too absorbed by inner conflict,
I allowed us to be cornered and outgunned: we were easy prey,
And our merciless enemy struck with deadly venom;
A terrible fire! Blasting through our protective metallic shield,
Disgorging precious life, into the darkness of the frozen void,
While, within, I remained trapped in my addiction,
Paralyzed by my desperate fear of a descent into insanity!
But when driven to risk my life for one more tainted sip of toxin,
I recognised my folly and stepped back from the abyss.
Reaching out to the healer, who read my motives far too clearly:
I was saved, but like our battered vessel my mind was marked.
It was my turn to shut out life and look inwards.
In victory we were feted, our faces known to millions;
We were united in a shared experience, to the public, novel friends.
Not wanting to leave you behind, we travelled to my world together.
The stark heat of my desert home, contrasting with our cool reception,
My people wished to reclaim me; my mother, a hostage by design;
The old guard concerned I would be a figurehead for dissent!
So I was called to answer an obligation I considered closed;
To join with the one chosen for me, and fulfil my inherent duty,
And retire for a time, to live the private life of wife, and mother.
To conform to rigid tradition without question,
While you became a silent bystander, as the drama was played out.
And I became a wife in name only.
Our daughter came to us, fully formed, but created in hatred.
Her purpose to display, how wrong a union between us would be!
This ribbon of life proclaimed warped and monstrously misshaped,
By monsters deformed by their own view of purity!
All we saw reflected in her face; was a promise of what we could be,
And for such a little time, as precious innocence fought to stay with us;
We three were a family, cocooned by the protection of caring friends.
As we watched her life ebb away, her memory was etched into our minds
A brief moment of hope stolen from us by a cruel mistake!
And in death she had a different legacy, from that which had been planned.
Her existence uniting, not dividing opposites, and by joining with us to mourn,
A consensus of purpose was brought forth.
However my journey continues, the course is forever altered,
I am no longer just a follower; I am now a true explorer;
As we forge a path for future generations to follow.
Once we were so far apart, but now an enduring bond exists between us;
Our lives are irreversibly entwined.
I stand with you facing our two worlds, watching as they find common ground.
The lessons we learned from each other, rippling out across the cosmos.
As difference moves toward acceptance, I see therein a glimmer of hope,
That some day a world will exist were we can live,
Two different beings joined by feelings I no longer wish to deny.
And I need no longer fear being apart from you ever again,
As for the rest of my life, you are a part of me.
