A/N: I was inspired by Fred, George and Lee's Harry Potter Dating Game, and thus concocted the Galactic Dating Game! Here we go!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am broke. I don't feel like writing a disclaimer for every episode so just remember that I am not getting paid for this.
C-3PO: Greetings. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. I have no script, as it has been programmed into my head. However, yesterday I underwent an upgrade and seemed to misplace my script programming. At the moment I am still unable to remember what it was I forgot. What was it? *distantly* Oh dear, I can't remember…
Behind the Scenes Dude (BTSD): Somebody cue the teleprompter!
C-3PO: What's a teleprompter? I don't seem to have that word in my vocabulary, and I am fluent in over six million forms of communication.
BTSD: Oh for crying out loud, droid! Just read the words that are scrolling across the screen!
C-3PO: Huh? Oh, now I see. Ahem. Er-wait, they're scrolling too fast! Start over! *waits* There, that's better. Welcome to the Galactic Dating Game. Let's bring out our first bachelorette, Mara Jade!
*Mara walks out*
Mara: Hold on. I'm not a bachelorette.
C-3PO *ignoring her*: And now, our first bachelor! He's a smuggler with a taste for information and exotics! Please welcome Talon Karrde!
Audience Member: HEY! That's my wife!
Talon *confused*: What? That's impossible! I'm not even married!
Mara: Luke, calm down. It's just a little date. I'm getting paid big bucks for this.
Luke: Really?
Mara *wondering why she married such an idiot*: Yes, dear. I'll even give you two percent if you'll sit down and shut up.
Luke *complacently*: Oh, okay.
C-3PO: Ahem. Now, our second bachelor! He's a snubfighter jockey from Corellia with a taste for ryshcate! Let's hear it for Corran Horn!
Mara: Corran? Aren't you married?
Corran: Yeah, but Booster and Karrde have a bet going. Mirax wouldn't want to deny her father of the pleasure of watching his son-in-law be humiliated, would she?
C-3PO: AHEM. And now, our surprise bachelor number three. The beloved -err, I mean the hated, twisted leader of our New Republic, the ambitious Bothan who betrayed Yavin IV to the Yuuzhan Vong, let's have lots of boos for Borsk Fey'lya! *turning to BTSD; undertone* Who came up with that?!
*Borsk walks out, audience boos.*
Borsk *scowling*: There's no need to thank me.
C-3PO: Okay, quiet! Now, as this is the first time anything like this has ever been attempted in this galaxy, I guess I have to explain the rules. *undertone* What do you mean, I guess? *normal voice* Ahem. Now, our lovely bachelorette will ask our each one of our bachelors a different question. They will answer as honestly as possible, for as we all know, politicians *starts reading one-syl-la-ble-at-a-time* have-the-in-a-bil-i-ty-to-tell-the-truth. *normal voice* Then she will pick a bachelor and they will go on a date. So, Mara, ask away!
Mara *reading cards*: Uh, okay. Bachelor number one, if you had complete control of the galaxy, would you become Emperor or turn it over to the New Republic? Who wrote this?
Talon: Well, considering there would BE no New Republic, I'd probably form my own Republic and stay head of it until I couldn't take it any more. Then I'd run off and retire. And I didn't write the question.
Mara *annoyed*: I know that. Erm, oh yeah, more questions. Great. Corran, where would you take me on a date?
Corran *grinning*: Well, knowing you, I'd take you out to a nice quiet romantic restaurant…
Mara *sarcastically*: Oh, that sounds wonderful.
Corran *continuing*: Then I'd have some sort of enemy pop out and let you take him, it, them, her, out. If you still weren't happy, I'd bring up three Yuuzhan Vong for you to pulverize.
Luke *distantly*: Those thoughts are not of the Light, Corran…..
Mara *grinning broadly*: Corran, you do know me…that would be the correct answer! Anyway, Bachelor Number Three, do you think the rest of the galaxy should revere and honor you?
Borsk: No duh. However, given the "loud cheering" I received at the beginning, I doubt the rest of the galaxy shares my view.
Mara: Since when has ANYBODY shared your view?
C-3PO *hurriedly, spotting nasty looks on Borsk and Mara's face*: And that's it for the first half of the show. And now a word from our sponsors.
*Ad person appears, dragging in Luke*
AP: Here, promote your stupid Jedi cause.
Luke *accepting microphone, looking nervous*: Err, okay…well, where's the music?
Mara *backstage for coffee, watching a broadcaster, whispering*: Oh no Luke, please don't, don't sing, oh no oh no…
Luke *terribly tone-deaf*: Oh I'm a Jeeeedddiiiiiiiii, a wonderful Jediiiiiiahiiii. I suuuport the wooooooonddderfuuuuuuahuuul Coode given-to-me-by-the-Jeeediiiiiahiiiii-Maaaaastersssss.
Ad person *covering ears*: Ahhh! Please stop! Please! I'll do anything! *moans in pain, along with audience*
C-3PO *hurriedly*: NOW BACK TO THE SHOW. *Luke is dragged offstage* Ahem. Now for the second half of the Galactic Dating Game!! This is the part where Mara asks three final questions, then picks her date!
Mara *undertone*: Do I have to? *normal voice* Okay, Talon, here's your question, and it's really stupid. If you owned a smuggling operation, would you kill all your underlings…what does that have to do with anything? Did Ackbar write these questions or something?!
Talon *rolling eyes*: No, I would not and have not killed all my underlings…I don't understand why anyone would do a stupid thing like that, anyway….I don't know what this has to do with anything…and I think someone high up in the Republic arranged this….
Mara: NEXT. Corran, errr…oh Sithspawn! I can't ask this!
Corran: Heh-heh. You don't have to, you know…
C-3PO: Yes, she does. Come on people, we have a time limit here!
Mara *gulping, performing Jedi relaxation techniques*: Ummmm, okay. Um, Corran…would you…would you…*voice fades*
Corran: Would I what?
Mara *blushing*: Oh, good grief. Corran, if you took me on a date, would you try to make a, err, how can I phrase this nicely, move on me after the first three hours.
Corran *undertone*: If you were drunk enough and not married…*normal voice* Err, no, unless you made the first move.
Mara: WHAT?! Why you little-never mind. Fey'lya, if you were a Bothan-what?-if you were a Bothan, who would you rather be like, Asyr Sei'lar or Borsk Fey'lya?
Borsk *sarcastically*: Gee, I dunno…Asyr.
Mara: Really? Maybe there's more to you than what meets the eye…
Borsk: No, you idiot, I was being sarcastic. I would much rather be like me, of course.
Mara: And just as I was thinking about asking you out….
Borsk: You can't do that!
Mara: Uh, yeah I can.
C-3PO *drowning out Mara and Borsk's arguing*: Ahem. Bachelorette, it's time to make your choice….
Mara: What? Oh, yeah. *shoots Fey'lya a nasty look* Well, I gotta say, this was too easy. *turning to Karrde* Karrde, you're my favorite former employer, but I'm afraid I'll risk Shada's wrath by asking you out. *turns to Fey'lya, then thinks about it, and turns away from him* I pick Corran to go on my date, but that's only because if I go out with Fey'lya he'd have the show canceled and then Han and Leia would have to put up with Threepio 24/7. At least this way, the droid is out of their way for a few hours a week.
Corran: So I won?
Mara: I guess.
C-3PO: Splendid! Now, you go get ready for your date. Tune in next week, folks to find out how the date went! And to see next week's contestants, with one brand new bachelorette and three new bachelors!
*Show ends, theme music begins, credits start running*
C-3PO *turning to BTSD*: Next week, I'M doing the teleprompter.
