A/N- Hey, I'm back. With another oneshot! Yay for me! :)
Disclaimer- I do not own the Mortal Instruments, but I do own this plot. So ha!
One last thing- This IS a MALEC fic, even though the beginning may imply something different, OK? AND! There will be a little spinoff thing for this that will be much better, I promise.
I checked myself in the mirror one more time, rocking a gray sweater. Magnus Bane was coming over to help me with a very peculiar spell that I just couldn't figure out… *Cough Cough* He was supposed to be here by now…
Why am I wearing a gray sweater and baggy jeans, you may ask? Well I've wanted to be Bane's boy toy for years, but who does he go for?- A lame, ugly, annoying, prick of a shadowhunter who is so far in the closet it'll take years for him to find his way out. Yeah, I went there.
I mussed up my newly dyed jet-black hair and smiled to myself. I looked like Alexander Lighthouse, or whatever the hell his name was; only I looked better. Magnus Bane would be putty in my hands in less than an hour depending on whether or not he even gets here in the next hour. That Bane is always "fashionably" late, but forty-five minutes is just ridiculous!
He's probably out with that stupid demon hunter again. A demon dating a demon hunter? Now that's just not right. It's like a tiger being best friends with a human. It just doesn't ever happen. Except in Aladdin, but that was a freaking Disney movie that also involved a flying carpet and a genie. Then again, half of the downworlders in New York have a flying carpet… Whatever, I made my point, didn't I?
Oh! Looky here. Magnus Bane finally gets to the place he was supposed to be at forty-five minutes ago. How delightful.
I skip nimbly to the door and open it up to reveal the magnificent High Warlock. I couldn't look at him too long, though. For one, I didn't want him to think I was creepy for staring at him for so long, but mostly because his glittery silhouette was partially blinding me.
"There you are," I say. He doesn't even look up at me. His face is hidden by his to-die-for hair and I realize he's typing away on his bedazzled cell phone. Damn!
I just sigh repeatedly until he looks up and notices me in front of him. "Oh, I'm sorry," he says, straightening up to his very tall full height. "Who are you again?"
Resisting the urge to sigh dramatically, I simply take a deep breath and tell him my name, "Raymond Elijah Marcinko Estevez Vladimir Gleeman Alexander Valdez Berrocal Zolderhackititch the Third."
"Uh…" he walks into my house, and passed me, looking at my gray sweater in disdain. "That's a really horrendous sweater. I hope you realize that," he says. "My boyfriend, Alexander, has sweaters just like that, but somehow he can make it work, y'know?"
Slamming the door shut, I just nod my head and murmur something that I don't believe is worth repeating, thank you.
He sits on the couch, which I made pink especially for him, and whips out his cell phone once again. Tapping away at his keyboard, I wait patiently for him to finish whatever it is that he absolutely MUST say whilst in my presence.
"So," he says once he's finished. "Why am I supposed to be here and what do you want?"
I clear my throat. "I need help with a certain spell."
Bane just looks at me. "So?"
"So," I say, trying not to get irritated. "I need your help to-"
"Whup, hang on a sec," he interrupts. His phone is playing some odd ringtone that sounds suspiciously like "I'm too sexy for my shirt."
Groaning, I look towards the ceiling. I come all prepared for Magnus Bane to arrive and he doesn't even pay attention to me. AT ALL!
"Hey baby," I hear him say. "What shakin? You, I hope."
I groaned again.
"Oh, really? You did?" He sounds so fascinated now.
I can only imagine their many intelligent conversations-
Magnus: Oh Alec. I love you so much.
Alec: Oh Magnus. I love you, too.
Magnus: We should get married!
Alec: Yes, we should! But wait. I'm too much of a cowardly jackass to tell my parents about you and I'm still in love with my adopted brother so I'll have to turn you down and go barely kill a demon!
Magnus: Oh Alec. You're so perfect!
Alec: Oh Magnus. I know!
Bleh. I could hurl.
And if I have to wear this damned sweater for one more second, I will hurl. All over Alexander's pasty face!
I was snapped out of my fantasy involving me hurling on Lighthouse by Magnus exclaiming, "NO WAY! That's on in how many minutes?" He listens to his little boy friend thing and gasps. "Nuh-uh. I'll be right over, bye hon. Love you, too."
He snaps the phone shut and I take my chance to speak to him once again. "Now, about my spell problem…"
Magnus hops off the couch and shakes his head. "No, Raymond Von Schnitzel," he says. "The new season of Gossip Girl starts in ten minutes and if I talk to you any longer I'll miss it and won't be able to snuggle next to my little shadowhunter. Later!"
He decided it would be absolutely hilarious to slam the door on his way out and shake some of the china a laid out onto the floor.
I
Hate
Alexander
Lighthouse!
A/N- And there ya go. Pure crack! CRACK I TELL YOU! CRACK!
And not an Ass-Crack, but a crazy, fic-like piece of crack.
You're very welcome for this masterpiece.
I'm totally kidding. I know it was bad, but hey, if you want to tell me just how bad it was, then let me know in a review.
Flame me.
I fucking dare you.
AND, if you want to tell me some of the GOOD things about it, then that would be excellent as well. Peace out, yo.
Ella, out.
