Betrayal

It sends him tumbling down the wormhole that swallowed his son mere months before.

It hunts him during day, it plagues him during night.

it was filled with despair, it was filled with longing, it was filled with disappointment, uncertainity and a plea, a prayer only god knows he was the one who could only answer for, only god knows he was the only one capable of deciphering it, capable of relieving him.

It was a look that showed him his true worth, it reduced him to the creature he truely was. It was the look in loki's eyes that branded him traitor.


He was in pure agony, he was in pure pain, he was being tortured by his own contemplation, by the everlasting question of what if.

It is a whole tangled interwining mess raging and rampaging through his mind, one he can't stop, one he can't avoid. Sometimes he thinks he was heedless and foolish for not telling him of his true heritage. Sometimes he thinks it is his fault that he raised loki's hopes high, though aware he would never ever attain his ambitions. He should have never done that, his only excuse was he was trying to be a fair father to both of them, and what a fair father he was.


Sometimes, his demons keep playing him, tellig him he should have never taken him from jötenheimr. Sometimes,his demons keep telling him that Loki was an ungrateful child for he should have valued and cherished the great act of kindness that Asgard and its king bestowed upon him.
Sometimes his demons tell him he should have never let conquest be conquerer, he should have never felt an ounce of love for the living relic in Jötenheimr; had it been so, he would have never gone through this anguish, so lasting, so cruel and biting. He returns to himself only to descend into a loop of self loath and resentment for his inner thoughts, his hypocritical, contradicting selfish soul.

He doesn't wonder from where Loki got that sense of degradation. He never doubted his love for Loki, only when Thor wasn't involved. He knows in his heart that despite he loved Loki, he didn't love him enough, he didn't love him as much as Thor. So when both were hanging onto güngnir, when he wished he could save both but knew he couldn't, He knew precisely who he was going to choose; so for the one time he needed to lie, he didn't. He didn't answer the forsaken child's prayer, he didn't return the plea with the one word that could save him.


They tell him he is alive. It is every mixture of happiness, fear and weariness in the realms for him. The agitation and anxiety that accompany him whilst Awaiting him were forged in hel. The moment he looked his fallen son in the eyes, he knew he murdered his son, the sight of Loki's eyes devoid of love, mercy and emotions is the straw on that broke the camel's back, for he can't condemn Loki whilst he is guilty of as plenty, he can't be hypocritical and unjust this time. The look he sees in Loki's eyes as he is claimed by Odinsleep, is one that shows him what he has become: a coward.