Welcome welcome welcome! It has been far too long since we last heard from the antics of Potter and his two crazy sidekicks! This in short is a true story, the names have been changed because well names like Dumbledore and Hagrid are much cooler than ones like Smith and Eugene. Anywho, read on if you dare! Also if you haven't read my first story 'Harry Potter and the Unholy Parody' then you are a filthy loser! It is the adventurous spoof on the second year at Hogwarts. COMPLETED and you can find it on my author page! READ ON!

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF A FASHION VICTIM

Harry was getting tired of dieting. He lovingly gazed at the well-worn pair of pants hanging on his otherwise bare wall and fondly recalled the sweet days of his 2nd year at Hog's Bleed. Jumping up from his chair he approached them and took them down, wondering if he could ever fit into them again.

Harry: Oh shag this invisible zipper! I am goin' to catch the night bus and get me some tea and cakes!

So our story begins... Er... kind of, bare with me here

Harry: I am most grateful me friends sent me all of these yummy cakes and (wave of pleasure) DONUTS for my birthday.

(Harry pulls a muscle in his wrist as he rips open the package. It burns as he takes a nibble of a particularly creamy custard-filled donut, he chokes and realizes it's not filled with custard at all, but pig dung. He would definitely have to get even with those Weasleys for playing such a prank on him!

Harry: Retch! Puke! Spew! OOOWEEEEE!

Vermin Dursley: HARRRYYY! If you can't keep your hands off of that BLOODY PIG...!

(Indeed Harrys 'mail pig' lumbers into the room having just arrived via poo power out on the front lawn)

Harry: (spitting the remainder of his 'pignut' or 'dough-pig' onto the floor) I have mail!! It MUST be from me best mate RON!

(Harry's bed bugs carefully creep out from under the pile of dirty clothes to grab the delectable treat still warm from the mouth.)

Letter: "Hey dude, miss ya lots! Hoped you liked the cakes and by the way Harry- Happy birthday man! Love, Ron"

(Harry carefully picks up the only other piece of mail he has received in the past 18 weeks, careful not to further enflame his now throbbing wrist.)

Harry: Now let's see, where did I leave my glasses?

(Harry locates his new horn-tipped purple glasses and puts them on his pointy nose which seems to have also shrunk due to the dieting... as they fall straight down to his upper lip... which is trembling.)

Next letter: "Dearest Harry Potter, Before we can allow you back onto Hog's Bleed school grounds, we need you to have your muggle guardians sign the attached paper which will allow you to go on wonderful adventures to the city of Hoggenweed. In addition to this their signature will also allow us permission to employ stricter punishments for your INEVITABLE fuggups. It is for your own good you know, so without the required signature you better stay the hell off of our property OR ELSE!! Love always and forever, Snappy, Potions Master, Hog's Bleed School of Witchcraft and Fancy Pants, INC"

Later on that day:

Harry: Uncle Dursley, will you sign my permission slip so I may attend my third year at Hog's Bleed School of Witchcraft and Fancy Pants, INC?

(Harry uses his most special petulant-pouty mouth and quivers his bottom lip)

Vermin: GET AWAY FROM ME BOY! Or I'll.........

(Suddenly Aunt Petulance walks in and overhears this threat, shoots Harry a dirty look)

Petulance: Oh give me that thing! I can't stand it any longer! I will sign it just to get this bit of my sister's rot gut out of my house!

(Aunt Petulance rips the letter from Harry's hand and scawls her signature on it, throws it back at Harry)

Vermin: You dumb womb! Your signature is worthless in all matters of general importance. I REFUSE to sign my name to enythang ta' do with that school of magical morons! Now if you don't get out of my face this INSTANT boy, I promise that I will be cooking that FLYING PIG in the neighborhood pit before days end! OUT I SAY! OUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!

(Harry further shrivels from this latest tirade and with head and heart hanging low, exists the room in defeat.)

Later on...

(Harry is seated on his private throne located in the back of his secret closet.)

Harry: (In the dark speaking to nobody in particular) Good thang Aunt and Uncle don't know about my secret throne. more maniacal laughter

(Harry adjusts the pointy shoebox he is sitting on and ends up flattening it on accident. Harry's eyes begin to water)

Harry: Oh what else can go wrong? I need to go back to school! Drat!

Harrys inner voice: You really should go to school... why are we sitting in your closet? Let's try another doughnut....

Vermin: HARRREEEEEE GET DOWN HEEYA RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

(Harry jolts up, wipes his Malibu Barbie lipstick off his lips and prances down to the living room, spinning a pirouette in the air every ten steps or so)

Vermin: Alright, I admit I enjoy watching your body float through the air in those splendid jumps... um, err, I'll sign the slip if you don't frig up your aunt Moo's visit.

Harry: Hang on... Auntie MOO has come to town for a bit-of-a-wee-visit has she? (twittering)

(Harry tenderly rubs his backside having earlier sustained a paper cut when his shoebox collapsed)

Vermin: Er, yes your Aunt Moo, MY dear sister. Now you are to behave!

(Doorbell rings its sing-song TRA-LA-LAAAAAAA)

Vermin: (Reddening in the face) Will someone PA-LEEEEEASE answer that BLOOOOODY door?

(Petulance is seen frolicking in the direction of the door, then stops unexpectedly at the toaster to see her refection.)

Petulance: Oh, Snugglebottoms! I DO so love this American toaster oven from G.E. you gave me for Mum's Day last year! It closes up this gap in my teeth and makes my neck waddle appear so much smaller!

(She continues sashaying to the door as Mr. Dursley chooses to ignore her stupid ass.)

Petulance: Moo! So nice to see you again! (Attempts to hug neck, but is overcome by the smell of old cabbage)

Vermin: MOOOOOO! My Dah-ling Moo! You look stunning! (Moo reaches for her plastic shopping bag/purse that is filled with cabbage and hugs it closer in protection)

??????

(Harry instantly furious by the immense lack of attention, tap dances his way over to the adults performing a series of very difficult moves)

Harry: (High pitched squeaky voice) Auntie Moo!! Auntie MOO! Such a pleasure it is to see you ma'dam!

(Harry approaches her, not sure of himself, then decides to bow, slips in cabbage juice, and simply lies facedown and prostrates himself in front of her on the hard wood floor)

(Ignoring all else, Moo plants her fat foot squarely in the middle of Harry's butt and shouts out for Dudley)

Harry: ROOOOAAAAR!!!

(Horribly aggrieved, Harry blows ass and then-)

Harry: Release... the... EVIL!!

(A green cloud billows and all at once Moo expands and explodes on the spot, spraying the set with flesh and cabbage debris of the most horrible sort)

Alfonso Cauron: What is this? We do not pass gas in the name of revenge! We need more EMOTION DAN! Think of what Harry must REALLY be feeling right now!

Harry: OH NO! A bad boy I have been! I will pack my things to leave straight away now. (Forced tear, snigger)

(Harry is tickled pink and filled with jubilation. He has been working on that particular spell for many weeks and dared hoped it was ready to be put to use. Down in the foyer Aunt and Uncle are crying hysterically at their now ruined posh wall paper.)

(Harry storms around his room giggling and kicking his furniture for fun)

Harry: That one was for you pops! (does a thumbs up and air guns several invisible shots to a moving picture of his parents)

(Harry puts Magic to an assortment of items to take with him)

Harry: Lets see, yes, yes ...YES I've got it! (Breaks into screaming song and yup you guessed it, a river dance)

"My trunk! Some books! Some fishing lines and hooks! Some monster goo and a new hair-do to finish off the look! Spam! And Jam! A wand that goes KRAM- KABAM! Magazines to read! A bag of weed! Its all for me! HERE I COME HOG'S BLEED!! IT'S THE STAR WITH THE SCAR! IM BACK! IT'S HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRYYYY!!"

(Harry magics his trunk to float as he gently cascades down the staircase on his assmaster 2000 with an all too dreamy look on his face)

Vermin: You FIX HER!!

Harry: Ok fine I will.... NOT!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! LATER DUDE!!!